The Monikins

  CHAPTER V. ABOUT THE SOCIAL-STAKE SYSTEM, THE DANGERS OF CONCENTRATION,AND OTHER MORAL AND IMMORAL CURIOSITIES.

  The affairs of my father were almost as easy of settlement as those of apauper. In twenty-four hours I was completely master of them, and foundmyself if not the richest, certainly one of the richest subjectsof Europe. I say subjects, for sovereigns frequently have a way ofappropriating the effects of others that would render a pretension torivalry ridiculous. Debts there were none: and if there had been, readymoney was not wanting; the balance in cash in my favor at the bankamounted in itself to a fortune.

  The reader may now suppose that I was perfectly happy. Without asolitary claim on either my time or my estate, I was in the enjoymentof an income that materially exceeded the revenues of many reigningprinces. I had not an ex-pensive nor a vicious habit of any sort. Ofhouses, horses, hounds, packs, and menials, there were none to vex orperplex me. In every particular save one I was completely my own master.That one was the near, dear, cherished sentiment that rendered Anna inmy eyes an angel (and truly she was little short of it in those of otherpeople), and made her the polar star to which every wish pointed. Howgladly would I have paid half a million just then to be the grandson ofa baronet with precedency from the seventeenth century!

  There was, however, another and a present cause for un-easiness thatgave me even more concern than the fact that my family reached the darkages with so much embarrassing facility. In witnessing the dying agonyof my ancestor I had got a dread lesson on the vanity, the hopelesscharacter, the dangers, and the delusions of wealth that time can nevereradicate. The history of its accumulation was ever present to mar thepleasure of its possession. I do not mean that I suspected what bythe world's convention is deemed dishonesty--of that there had been nonecessity--but simply that the heartless and estranged existence,the waste of energies, the blunted charities, and the isolated anddistrustful habits of my father appeared to me to be but poorly requitedby the joyless ownership of its millions. I would have given largelyto be directed in such a way as while escaping the wastefulness of theshoals of Scylla I might in my own case steer clear of the miserly rocksof Charybdis.

  When I drove from between the smoky lines of the London houses into thegreen fields and amid the blossoming hedges, this earth looked beautifuland as if it were made to be loved. I saw in it the workmanship of adivine and beneficent Creator, and it was not difficult to persuademyself that he who dwelt in the confusion of a town in order to transfergold from the pocket of his neighbor to his own had mistaken the objectsof his being. My poor ancestor who had never quitted London stood beforeme with his dying regrets; and my first resolution was to live in opencommunion with my kind. So intense, indeed, did my anxiety to executethis purpose become that it might have led even to frenzy had not afortunate circumstance interposed to save me from so dire a calamity.

  The coach in which I had taken passage (for I purposely avoided theparade and trouble of post-chaise and servants), passed through a markettown of known loyalty on the eve of a contested election. This appealto the intelligence and patriotism of the constituency had occurred inconsequence of the late incumbent having taken office. The new minister,for he was a member of the cabinet, had just ended his canvass, and hewas about to address his fellow-subjects from a window of the tavern inwhich he lodged. Fatigued, but ready to seek mental relief by any means,I threw myself from the coach, secured a room, and made one of themultitude.

  The favorite candidate occupied a large balcony surrounded by hisprincipal friends, among whom it was delightful to see earls, lordsJohn, baronets, dignitaries of the church, tradesmen of influence inthe borough, and even a mechanic or two, all squeezed together in theagreeable amalgamation of political affinity. Here then, thought I, isan example of the heavenly charities I The candidate himself, the sonand heir of a peer, feels that he is truly of the same flesh andblood as his constituents; how amiably he smiles!--how bland arehis manners!--and with what cordiality does he shake hands with thegreasiest and the worst! There must be a corrective to human pride, astimulus to the charities, a never-ending lesson of benevolence inthis part of our excellent system, and I will look farther into it. Thecandidate appeared and his harangue commenced.

  Memory would fail me were I to attempt recording the precise languageof the orator, but his opinions and precepts are so deeply graven on myrecollection that I do not fear misrepresenting them. He commencedwith a very proper and eloquent eulogium on the constitution, whichhe fearlessly pronounced to be in its way the very perfection of humanreason; in proof of which he adduced the well-ascertained fact that ithad always been known throughout the vicissitudes and trials of so manycenturies to accommodate itself to circumstances, abhorring change."Yes, my friends," he exclaimed, in a burst of patriotic andconstitutional fervor, "whether under the roses or the lilies--theTudors, the Stuarts, or the illustrious house of Brunswick, thisglorious structure has resisted the storms of faction, has been able toreceive under its sheltering roof the most opposite elements of domesticstrife, affording protection, warmth, aye, and food and raiment"-(herethe orator happily laid his hand on the shoulder of a butcher, whowore a frieze overcoat that made him look not unlike a stall-fedbeast)--"yes, food and raiment, victuals and drink, to the meanestsubject in the realm. Nor is this all; it is a constitution peculiarlyEnglish: and who is there so base, so vile, so untrue to himself, to hisfathers, to his descendants, as to turn his back on a constitutionthat is thoroughly and inherently English, a constitution that he hasinherited from his ancestors, and which by every obligation both humanand divine he is bound to transmit unchanged to posterity";--here theorator, who continued to speak, however, was deafened by shouts ofapplause, and that part of the subject might very fairly be consideredas definitively settled.

  From the constitution as a whole the candidate next proceeded toextol the particular feature of it that was known as the borough ofHouseholder. According to his account of this portion of the government,its dwellers were animated by the noblest spirit of independence, themost rooted determination to uphold the ministry of which he was theleast worthy member, and were distinguished by what in an ecstasy ofpolitical eloquence he happily termed the most freeborn understandingof its rights and privileges. This loyal and judicious borough hadnever been known to waste its favors on those who had not a stake in thecommunity. It understood that fundamental principle of good governmentwhich lays down the axiom that none were to be trusted but those whohad a visible and an extended interest in the country; for without thesepledges of honesty and independence what had the elector to expectbut bribery and corruption--a traffic in his dearest rights, and abargaining that might destroy the glorious institutions under which hedwelt. This part of the harangue was listened to in respectful silence,and shortly after the orator concluded; when the electors dispersed,with, no doubt, a better opinion of themselves and the constitution thanit had probably been their good fortune to entertain since the previouselection.

  Accident placed me at dinner (the house being crowded) at the same tablewith an attorney who had been very active the whole morning among theHouseholders, and who I soon learned, from himself, was the especialagent of the owner of the independent borough in question. He told methat he had came down with the expectation of disposing of the wholeproperty to Lord Pledge, the ministerial candidate named; but the meanshad not been forthcoming as he had been led to hope, and the bargainwas unluckily broken off at the very moment when it was of the utmostimportance to know to whom the independent electors rightfully belonged.

  "His lordship, however," continued the attorney, winking, "has done whatis handsome; and there can be no more doubt of his election than therewould be of yours did you happen to own the borough."

  "And is the property now open for sale?" I asked.

  "Certainly-my principal can hold out no longer. The price is settled,and I have his power of attorney to make the preliminary bargain. 'Tisa thousand pities that the public mind should be left in this undecidedstate
on the eve of an election."

  "Then, sir, I will be the purchaser."

  My companion looked at me with astonishment and doubt. He had transactedtoo much business of this nature, however, not to feel his way before hewas either off or on.

  "The price of the estate is three hundred and twenty-five thousandpounds, sir, and the rental is only six!"

  "Be it so. My name is Goldencalf: by accompanying me to town you shallreceive the money."

  "Goldencalf! What, sir, the only son and heir of the late ThomasGoldencalf of Cheapside?"

  "The same. My father has not been dead a month."

  "Pardon me, sir--convince me of your identity--we must be particular inmatters of this sort--and you shall have possession of the property inseason to secure your own election or that of any of your friends. Iwill return Lord Pledge his small advances, and another time he willknow better than to fail of keeping his promises. What is a borough goodfor if a nobleman's word is not sacred? You will find the electors, inparticular, every way worthy of your favor. They are as frank, loyal,and straightforward a constituency as any in England. No skulking behindthe ballot for them!--and in all respects they are fearless Englishmenwho will do what they say, and say whatever their landlord shall pleaseto require of them."

  As I had sundry letters and other documents about me, nothing was easierthan to convince the attorney of my identity. He called for pen andink; drew out of his pocket the contract that had been prepared for LordPledge; gave it to me to read; filled the blanks; and affixing hisname, called the waiters as witnesses, and presented me the paper with apromptitude and respect that I found really delightful. So much, thoughtI, for having given pledges to society by the purchase of a borough. Idrew on my bankers for three hundred and twenty-five thousand pounds,and arose from table virtually the owner of the estate of Householderand of the political consciences of its tenantry.

  A fact so important could not long be unknown; and in a few minutes alleyes in the coffee-room were upon me. The landlord presented himself andbegged I would do him the honor to take possession of his family parlor,there being no other at his disposal. I was hardly installed before aservant in a handsome livery presented the following note.

  "DEAR MR. GOLDENCALF:

  "I have this moment heard of your being in town, and am exceedinglyrejoiced to learn it. A long intimacy with your late excellent and mostloyal father justifies my claiming you for a friend, and I waive allceremony (official, of course, is meant, there being no reason for anyother between us), and beg to be admitted for half an hour.

  "Dear Mr. Goldencalf,"

  "Yours very faithfully and sincerely,"

  "PLEDGE."

  "--GOLDENCALF, Esquire."

  "Monday evening."

  I begged that the noble visitor might not be made to wait a moment.Lord Pledge met me like an old and intimate friend. He made a hundredhandsome inquiries after my dead ancestor; spoke feelingly of his regretat not having been summoned to attend his death-bed; and then veryingenuously and warmly congratulated me on my succession to so large aproperty.

  "I hear, too, you have bought this borough, my dear sir. I could notmake it convenient just at this particular moment to conclude my ownarrangement--but it is a good thing. Three hundred and twenty thousand,I suppose, as was mentioned between me and the other party?"

  "Three hundred and twenty-five thousand, Lord Pledge."

  I perceived by the countenance of the noble candidate that I had paidthe odd five thousand as a fine--a circumstance which accounted forthe promptitude of the attorney in the transaction, he most probablypocketing the difference himself.

  "You mean to sit, of course?"

  "I do, my lord, as one of the members, at the next general election; butat present I shall be most happy to aid your return."

  "My dear Mr. Goldencalf--"

  "Really, without presuming to compliment, Lord Pledge, the noblesentiments I heard you express this morning were so very proper,so exceedingly statesmanlike, so truly English, that I shall feelinfinitely more satisfaction in knowing that you fill the vacant seatthan if it were in my own possession."

  "I honor your public spirit, Mr. Goldencalf, and only wish to God therewas more of it in the world. But you can count on our friendship, sir.What you have just remarked is true, very true, only too true, true toa hair-a-a-a--I mean, my dear Mr. Goldencalf, most especially thosesentiments of mine which-a-a-a-I say it, before God, without vanity--butwhich, as you have so very ably intimated, are so truly proper andEnglish."

  "I sincerely think so, Lord Pledge, or I should not have said it. I ampeculiarly situated myself. With an immense fortune, without rank, name,or connections, nothing is easier than for one of my years to be ledastray; and it is my ardent desire to hit upon some expedient that mayconnect me properly with society."

  "Marry, my dear young friend--select a wife from among the fair andvirtuous of this happy isle--unluckily I can propose nothing in this waymyself--for both my own sisters are disposed of."

  "I have made choice, already, I thank you a thousand times, my dearLord Pledge; although I scarcely dare execute my own wishes. There areobjections--if I were only the child, now, of a baronet's second son,or--"

  "Become a baronet yourself," once more interrupted my noble friend, withan evident relief from suspense; for I verily believe he thought I wasabout to ask for something better. "Your affair shall be arranged by theend of the week--and if there is anything else I can do for you, I begyou to name it without reserve."

  "If I could hear a few more of those remarkable sentiments of yours,concerning the stake we should all have in society, I think it wouldrelieve my mind."

  My companion looked at me a moment with a very awkward sort ofan intensity, drew his hand across his brows, reflected, and thenobligingly complied.

  "You attach too much importance, Mr. Goldencalf, to a few certainly veryjust but very ill-arranged ideas. That a man without a proper stake insociety is little better than the beasts of the fields, I hold to beso obvious that it is unnecessary to dwell on the point. Reason as youwill, forward or backward, you arrive at the same result--he that hathnothing is usually treated by mankind little better than a dog, andhe that is little better than a dog usually has nothing. Again. Whatdistinguishes the savage from the civilized man? Why, civilization tobe sure. Now, what is civilization? The arts of life. What feeds,nourishes, sustains the arts of life? Money or property. By consequence,civilization is property, and property is civilization. If the controlof a country is in the hands of those who possess the property, thegovernment is a civilized government; but, on the other hand, if itis in the hands of those who have no property, the government isnecessarily an uncivilized government. It is quite impossible thatany one should become a safe statesman who does not possess a directproperty interest in society. You know there is not a tyro of ourpolitical sect who does not fully admit the truth of this axiom."

  "Mr. Pitt?"

  "Why, Pitt was certainly an exception in one way; but then, you willrecollect, he was the immediate representative of the tories, who ownmost of the property of England."

  "Mr. Fox?"

  "Fox represented the whigs, who own all the rest, you know. No, mydear Goldencalf, reason as you will, we shall always arrive at the sameresults. You will, of course, as you have just said, take one of theseats yourself at the next general election?"

  "I shall be too proud of being your colleague to hesitate."

  This speech sealed our friendship; for it was a pledge to my nobleacquaintance of his future connection with the borough. He was much toohigh-bred to express his thanks in vulgar phrases (though high-breedingrarely exhibits all its finer qualities pending an election), but--a manof the world, and one of a class whose main business it is to put thesuaviter in modo, as the French have it en evidence,--the reader maybe sure that when we parted that night I was in perfect good humor withmyself and, as a matter of course, with my new acquaintance.

  The next day the canvass was renewe
d, and we had another convincingspeech on the subject of the virtue of "a stake in society"; for LordPledge was tactician enough to attack the citadel, once assured of itsweak point, rather than expend his efforts on the outworks of the place.That night the attorney arrived from town with the title-deeds allproperly executed (they had been some time in preparation for LordPledge), and the following morning early the tenants were served withthe usual notices, with a handsomely expressed sentiment on my part infavor of "a stake in society." About noon Lord Pledge walked over thecourse, as it is expressed at Newmarket and Doncaster. After dinner weseparated, my noble friend returning to town, while I pursued my way tothe rectory.

  Anna never appeared more fresh, more serene, more elevated abovemortality, than when we met, a week after I had quitted Householder, inthe breakfast-parlor of her father's abode.

  "You are beginning to look like yourself again, Jack," she said,extending her hand with the simple cordiality of an Englishwoman; "and Ihope we shall find you more rational."

  "Ah, Anna, if I could only presume to throw myself at your feet, andtell you how much and what I feel, I should be the happiest fellow inall England."

  "As it is you are the most miserable!" the laughing girl answeredas, crimsoned to the temples, she drew away the hand I was foolishlypressing against my heart. "Let us go to breakfast, Mr. Goldencalf--myfather has ridden across the country to visit Dr. Liturgy."

  "Anna," I said, after seating myself and taking a cup of tea fromfingers that were rosy as the morn, "I fear you are the greatest enemythat I have on earth."

  "John Goldencalf!" exclaimed the startled girl, turning pale and thenflushing violently. "Pray explain yourself."

  "I love you to my heart's core--could marry you, and then, I fear,worship you, as man never before worshipped woman."

  Anna laughed faintly.

  "And you feel in danger of the sin of idolatry?" she at length succeededin saying.

  "No, I am in danger of narrowing my sympathies--of losing a broad andsafe hold of life--of losing my proper stake in society--of--in short,of becoming as useless to my fellows as my poor, poor father, and ofmaking an end as miserable. Oh! Anna, could you have witnessed thehopelessness of that death-bed, you could never wish me a fate likehis!"

  My pen is unequal to convey an adequate idea of the expression withwhich Anna regarded me. Wonder, doubt, apprehension, affection, andanguish were all beaming in her eyes; but the unnatural brightness ofthese conflicting sentiments was tempered by a softness that resembledthe pearly lustre of an Italian sky.

  "If I yield to my fondness, Anna, in what will my condition differ fromthat of my miserable father's? He concentrated his feelings in the loveof money, and I--yes, I feel it here, I know it is here--I should loveyou so intensely as to shut out every generous sentiment in favor ofothers. I have a fearful responsibility on my shoulders--wealth, gold;gold beyond limits; and to save my very soul I must extend not narrow myinterest in my fellow-creatures. Were there a hundred such Annas I mightpress you all to my heart--but, one!--no--no--'twould be misery--'twouldbe perdition! The very excess of such a passion would render me aheartless miser, unworthy of the confidence of my fellow-men!"

  The radiant and yet serene eyes of Anna seemed to read my soul; and whenI had done speaking she arose, stole timidly to my side of the table, aswoman approaches when she feels most, placed her velvet-like hand onmy burning forehead, pressed its throbbing pulses gently to her heart,burst into tears, and fled.

  We dined alone, nor did we meet again until the dinner hour. The mannerof Anna was soothing, gentle, even affectionate; but she carefullyavoided the subject of the morning. As for myself, I was constantlybrooding over the danger of concentrating interests, and of theexcellence of the social-stake system. "Your spirits will be better,Jack, in a day or two," said Anna, when we had taken wine after thesoup. "Country air and old friends will restore your freshness andcolor."

  "If there were a thousand Annas I could be happy as man was never happybefore! But I must not, dare not, lessen my hold on society."

  "All of which proves my insufficiency to render you happy. But herecomes Francis with yesterday morning's paper--let us see what society isabout in London."

  After a few moments of intense occupation with the journal, anexclamation of pleasure and surprise escaped the sweet girl. On raisingmy eyes I saw her gazing (as I fancied) fondly at myself.

  "Read what you have that seems to give you so much pleasure."

  She complied, reading with an eager and tremulous voice the followingparagraph:

  "His majesty has been most graciously pleased to raise John Goldencalfof Householder Hall, in the county of Dorset, and of Cheapside, Esquire,to the dignity of a baronet of the united kingdoms of Great Britain andIreland."

  "Sir John Goldencalf, I have the honor to drink to your health andhappiness!" cried the delighted girl, brightening like the dawn, andwetting her pouting lip with liquor less ruby than itself. "Here,Francis, fill a bumper and drink to the new baronet."

  The gray-headed butler did as ordered with a very good grace, and thenhurried into the servants' hall to communicate the news.

  "Here at least, Jack, is a new hold that society has on you, whateverhold you may have on society."

  I was pleased because she was pleased, and because it showed that LordPledge had some sense of gratitude (although he afterward took occasionto intimate that I owed the favor chiefly to HOPE), and I believe myeyes never expressed more fondness.

  "Lady Goldencalf would not have an awkward sound after all, dearestAnna."

  "As applied to one, Sir John, it might possibly do; but not as appliedto a hundred." Anna laughed, blushed, burst into tears once more, andagain fled.

  What right have I to trifle with the feelings of this single-heartedand excellent girl, said I to myself; it is evident that the subjectdistresses her--she is unequal to its discussion, and it is unmanlyand improper in me to treat it in this manner. I must be true tomy character as a gentleman and a man--aye, and, under presentcircumstances, as a baronet; and--I will never speak of it again as longas I live.

  The following day I took leave of Dr. Etherington and his daughter, withthe avowed intention of travelling for a year or two. The goodrector gave me much friendly advice, flattered me with expressionsof confidence in my discretion, and, squeezing me warmly by the hand,begged me to recollect that I had always a home at the rectory. WhenI had made my adieus to the father, I went, with a sorrowfulheart, in quest of the daughter. She was still in the littlebreakfast-parlor--that parlor so loved! I found her pale, timid,sensitive, bland, but serene. Little could ever disturb that heavenlyquality in the dear girl; if she laughed, it was with a restrained andmoderated joy; if she wept, it was like rain falling from a sky thatstill shone with the lustre of the sun. It was only when feeling andnature were unutterably big within her, that some irresistible impulseof her sex betrayed her into emotions like those I had twice witnessedso lately.

  "You are about to leave us, Jack," she said, holding out her hand kindlyand without the affectation of an indifference she did not feel; "youwill see many strange faces, but you will see none who--"

  I waited for the completion of the sentence, but, although she struggledhard for self-possession, it was never finished.

  "At my age, Anna, and with my means, it would be unbecoming to remainat home, when, if I may so express it, 'human nature is abroad.' I goto quicken my sympathies, to open my heart to my kind, and to avoid thecruel regrets that tortured the death-bed of my father."

  "Well--well," interrupted the sobbing girl, "we will talk of it no more.It is best that you should travel; and so adieu, with a thousand--nay,millions of good wishes for your happiness and safe return. You willcome back to us, Jack, when tired of other scenes."

  This was said with gentle earnestness and a sincerity so winning that itcame near upsetting all my philosophy; but I could not marry the wholesex, and to bind down my affections in one would have been giving thedeath-blow to the devel
opment of that sublime principle on which Iwas bent, and which I had already decided was to make me worthy of myfortune and the ornament of my species. Had I been offered a kingdom,however, I could not speak. I took the unresisting girl in my arms,folded her to my heart, pressed a burning kiss on her cheek, andwithdrew.

  "You will come back to us, Jack?" she half whispered, as her hand wasreluctantly drawn through my own.

  Oh! Anna, it was indeed painful to abandon thy frank and gentleconfidence, thy radiant beauty, thy serene affections, and all thywomanly virtues, in order to practise my newly-discovered theory! Longdid thy presence haunt me--nay, never did it entirely desert me--puttingmy constancy to a severe proof, and threatening at each remove tocontract the lengthening chain that still bound me to thee, thyfireside, and thy altars! But I triumphed, and went abroad upon theearth with a heart expanding towards all the creatures of God, thoughthy image was still enshrined in its inmost core, shining in womanlyglory, pure, radiant, and without spot, like the floating prism thatforms the lustre of the diamond.