Longing

  After awhile, he left his spot at the dining room table and found his laptop. He settled in on the worn sofa and found Bailey’s Facebook page. She was probably having the best Christmas of her whole life. Brandon was filming his most recent movie in New York City, which meant the two of them were together every night. Cody felt the familiar ache at the thought, the jealousy that didn’t take root, but reminded him how he felt about her.

  How he would always feel.

  There was nothing new on her Facebook, but with Bailey there was always a way to find out what she was up to. When a girl dated Brandon Paul, Google would have plenty to say about what they were doing and where they’d been. He typed in her name alongside Brandon Paul’s and hit enter.

  Sure enough, pictures of the two of them instantly covered the screen. The most recent headline showed a picture of Bailey and what must’ve been some of her castmates working alongside a young bearded guy. The headline read, “Disguise Doesn’t Hide the Truth: Brandon Paul and Bailey Flanigan Serve Up Christmas Dinner at a New York City Mission.”

  The guy seemed almost too good to be true. Whatever ugly details remained about his past, they were no uglier than the ones that made up Cody’s yesterdays. In Bailey’s presence Brandon was clearly a new guy. A guy sold out to God and to the work the Lord called him to do. At least it seemed that way.

  He clicked through other pictures. Bailey and Brandon holding hands as they left St. Thomas Episcopal Church after a midnight Christmas Eve service, and the two of them sitting on a New York City bench during a break from his filming. The paparazzi were relentless. If Cody wanted to, he could literally follow Bailey’s every move — as long as Brandon was in town.

  “Are you happy, Bailey … really happy?” He whispered the question aloud. “I miss you. I wish … I just wish I could hear your voice.”

  The thought faded in the silent room, but as it did, a memory filled his mind. The box of belongings Bailey had given him at the hospital a year ago. He had brought the box home and looked through some of the contents. But not all of them. The box had been full of letters from Bailey, notes she’d written to him while he was in Iraq. Wasn’t that what she’d said? But last year when he brought the box home he hadn’t had the strength to look through them. He was still doing his best to run from her, to avoid the pain of losing her — strange as that all felt now.

  So maybe that’s how he could spend the rest of this Christmas night. Since there was nothing he could do for Cheyenne, no one to visit, and since he couldn’t celebrate Christmas with his mom in prison until their visit tomorrow afternoon — this was the perfect time to find Bailey’s letters and read them.

  He set his laptop down on the couch beside him and walked to his room. He didn’t have to wonder where they were, now that the idea had hit him. He remembered hiding them at the top of the closet like it was yesterday. He found the box easily and carried it back to the dining room table. The feel of it in his hands reminded him again of that day in the hospital, when he could’ve said something. Could’ve stopped her from leaving and told her how he felt about her.

  But instead he watched her go. Let her leave him with a lifetime of memories and regrets … and this: the box of her letters.

  He opened the lid and sifted through the contents. It felt almost eerie the way the contents smelled like her, the way they made him feel like she was sitting beside him, sharing this Christmas night with him like she might’ve been if he hadn’t freaked out. If he hadn’t run for his life instead of talking to her and hearing her heart when she set out to film Unlocked with Brandon Paul.

  A few of the letters were handwritten, notes that were never sent his way—probably once she knew he was missing in action. Others were copies of what looked like pages of her journal. He took one from the box and opened it.

  September 28, she’d scribbled at the top of the page. There was no year, just the month and day. He let his eyes find the first line, let her words fill his heart as surely as if she were speaking them to him this very moment.

  I’ve thought about Cody all day long, and now I can only do one thing. Write about him here, in my journal. He’s gone of course. Off fighting the bad guys in Iraq. But I keep asking myself why he had to leave. Didn’t he understand what I was feeling that day when we took the walk through the woods? Before he left?

  Cody’s hands began to tremble. She’d felt that strongly for him back then? Before he left for war? The idea shocked him enough that he lowered the piece of paper and reminded himself to breathe. She never told him … but then, of course she didn’t. She was barely out of high school back then. It wouldn’t have been her place to tell him what she was feeling. Rather it should’ve been him who talked about it with her, who had that conversation before he set out for Army training.

  He clenched his jaw and brought the journal page back up so he could see it. He found his place and began reading again. Sometimes I think Cody left so he could fight that battle, instead of fighting for me. I know … he’s already made it clear. He doesn’t think he’s good enough for me. But that’s crazy. No one could ever care about me the way he does. Even when he thinks I don’t know how he feels about me, I do know. But now he’s gone and I can’t talk to him. I might not ever get to talk to him again. So all I can do is pray. I pray that God will protect him and bring him home safely and that somewhere down the road Cody will talk to me and tell me how he feels.

  I pray that God teaches him to be open with me — and not afraid. Until then I will picture how it was that day, the last walk we took together before he left. I wanted him to kiss me so badly, but it wasn’t God’s timing. It might never be God’s timing. If that’s true, then I have one more prayer. That God will help me learn to let go of him. Because right now letting go of Cody Coleman doesn’t even seem possible.

  Cody read the last two paragraphs three more times before folding the piece of paper and setting it off to the side. He hadn’t learned much over the years, had he? When he left for Iraq Bailey knew him well enough to know he was running, that he was afraid to face his feelings for her. And now here he was … in the same exact situation.

  Bailey’s prayers tugged at his heart and made him love her more … miss her more. God had answered every single one. He had kept Cody alive, brought him home as safe as possible, and led him to that wonderful July day when he’d finally told Bailey how he felt.

  Cody read another few letters, before he couldn’t take another minute and had to put the box away. He pictured the paparazzi pictures of her and Brandon and it occurred to him that God had even answered Bailey’s last, most desperate prayer: That where Cody was concerned, since he hadn’t found a way to stop running from her, she might somehow learn to let go of him.

  The way she most definitely had.

  Thirteen

  KATY HART MATTHEWS HADN’T ONLY COME TO ACCEPT HER LIFE in Los Angeles alongside her movie star husband, Dayne. She had come to enjoy it. She wiped the peanut butter off their daughter Sophie’s face and glanced out the window of their Malibu beach home. The sun was heading toward the horizon, the few clouds in the sky promising a sunset fitting of the last day of the year.

  “Can we take a walk, Mommy?” Sophie loved the beach. Her white blonde ringlets only accentuated her tanned cheeks and bright blue eyes. She was almost four, but she talked like a child twice her age. Dayne liked to tease that he was easily outsmarted by the two real talkers in the family.

  “Yes, baby girl … Daddy’s changing clothes so we can take a walk.”

  Dayne had met with a couple top actors earlier that day, trying to work out another movie deal. Faith-based films continued to gain popularity, and Dayne was convinced God had exciting projects ahead. Though she still sometimes missed their days in Bloomington, Katy wasn’t in a hurry to go back. Especially on a gorgeous afternoon like this one.

  Katy smiled to herself. Brandon and Bailey were flying in right about now. They’d get a ride over, and tonight would be very special, indeed
. The four of them had more to celebrate than even her husband knew. At least for now.

  When Sophie’s hands were clean, the two of them linked fingers and walked back toward the bedroom just as Dayne stepped into the hallway. He wore khaki shorts and a white T-shirt. Never mind his passion for making movies, Dayne could still star in them if he wanted to. He was tall and muscled and his eyes shone from across the house. She was in love with him, more than she dreamed. Today and every day. “Sophie wants to take a walk.”

  “Me too.” He hurried to them and swept their little girl into his arms. “Ready for an adventure, sweetie?”

  Sophie giggled and put her hands on her daddy’s face, messing up his hair and making silly faces at him. “You always have an adventure for me, Daddy.”

  “Yep.” He bounced her onto his hip and pulled Katy close for a quick kiss. “Life with you girls is always an adventure.” He kissed her again, longer this time. “You look stunning … if I haven’t told you.”

  “You did.” She returned the kiss. “This morning. Remember?”

  “Well then it’s about time I told you again.”

  “Hey … no kissy face.” Sophie let her head hang back as she laughed out loud. “Come on, Daddy! We have to have our adventure.”

  Dayne gasped and tickled Sophie a few quick times. “You’re right! I almost forgot!” He put his arm around Katy and the three of them headed for the back door. “We can’t miss our adventure.”

  Katy felt the butterflies in her stomach. Dayne had no idea just how much of an adventure they were about to take. They walked down the back steps toward the shore. The paparazzi almost never bothered with them these days. Dayne wasn’t an actor now. He was a producer and director and there was nothing remotely scandalous to create about his life. The paparazzi had other more popular faces to catch. Faces like Brandon Paul’s. If he and Bailey didn’t make a clean getaway from LAX in the next hour, the photographers were bound to follow them here. Which would cast a serious shadow on the evening.

  “We need to pray the media doesn’t follow Brandon and Bailey.” Katy loved the way it felt walking through the chilly ankle-deep surf with Dayne and Sophie beside her. The sun warmed her shoulders and ahead was nothing but shoreline as far as she could see.

  “I’ve prayed. It’s tough, where they’re at right now.”

  “Yeah.” Katy laughed. “I remember. It was like yesterday.” She paused and looked at Sophie. Their little daughter seemed content in her father’s arms, her head on his shoulder. “So what do you think?”

  “About Brandon and Bailey?” Dayne still read her mind as easily as he’d done when they first started out. He smiled, the bright sky reflecting off his sunglasses as he turned to her. “Together, you mean?”

  “Yes. Do you think they can do this? Are they right for each other?”

  “We made it work.” He leaned in and kissed her lightly as they walked. Passion was always at the surface of their relationship. “What do you think?”

  “I’m not sure. I talked to her a week ago. She loved having Brandon in New York these last few weeks, so I asked her if it was serious. She told me it was as serious as it could be with their careers in different parts of the country.”

  “Which means …” Dayne looked slightly confused.

  “It means she’s sure about today. But that’s as far as she can see.” Katy smiled. “She loves him … she was clear about that.”

  “And what about Brandon?” A pair of seagulls squawked as they fought for something in the water a few yards away. “Does he think it’s more serious?”

  “I’m not sure.” She shrugged and felt her face take on a nervous look. “I think we’ll know more after this visit.”

  “Good that they could both get a little time away.”

  “Yes.” She breathed deep, loving the ocean air all around her. “They need this time for sure. All couples do.”

  He stopped and adjusted Sophie, who had fallen asleep in his arms. “It never gets old, the sunset here on the beach.”

  “With you … nothing ever gets old.” She still faced him, but now she turned and looked out at the water. For a while they stood like that, mesmerized by the display God put on in their backyard day after day after day. Finally she turned to him again. “Too bad about Sophie’s adventure. She slept through it.”

  “Mmm.” He reached for her hand with his free one and eased his fingers between hers. “I’ll guess she’ll have to wait until tonight. The noisemakers you bought for our New Year’s Eve party will make for a pretty fun adventure.”

  “True.” She laughed, and the sound mixed with the crashing surf not far from where they stood. There was no gradual way to say this. She exhaled, steadying herself. “Anyway … I was thinking about adventures. How our life has been one ever since we met.”

  “That day in the Bloomington Community Theater … when you were onstage directing Charlie Brown.”

  “Yes.” She smiled, and even though they both wore sunglasses, she could feel his eyes looking straight into her heart. “Since then.”

  “You’re big on adventures today.” He released her hand and slid his fingers through her hair, alongside her face. “Is that your tender heart … evaluating the end of another year?”

  “Ummm, well.” She felt a shiver pass over her arms. “More like evaluating the year we’re about to have.”

  “Oh. Definitely.” He nodded and looked out to sea again. “With us we never know what sort of adventure God’s got planned for us.”

  “Except,” Katy started to giggle. He wasn’t picking up on her clues whatsoever. “Except this time we do sort of have at least a little idea.” She put her hand over her stomach. “A very little idea.”

  Dayne looked at her. He started to say something but then stopped himself. He looked from her face to the place where her hand remained over her middle. “A little idea?”

  “About the adventure coming our way in July.” She laughed out loud, loving this, holding onto the moment. “The end of July to be exact.”

  “What?” He shouted the word so loud that Sophie lifted her head and looked around, all sleepy eyes and curly blonde hair. He patted her head. “Sorry, honey. Go back to sleep, sweetheart.” As soon as she lay her head back down, Dayne moved slowly in toward Katy and took her in his arms. His sunglasses couldn’t hide the tears suddenly sliding down his face. “We’re having a baby?”

  “Yes.” She made a sound that was more laugh than cry.

  “We are?” He studied her, loving her more than she had ever dreamed anyone could. “We really are?”

  “Yes.” She grinned, blinking back her own tears. “Life’s just one big adventure.”

  “But when … how did you find out?”

  “I went in this morning.” She laughed and dried her cheeks at the same time. “Dr. Baker met me even though he didn’t have office hours today. The test was positive. Just like I guessed.”

  If Dayne hadn’t been holding Sophie in his arms he would’ve let out a shout the whole beach could hear. Katy could read that much in his face. But since he couldn’t shout out loud, he drew close to her again and kissed her. The sort of kiss she would remember long after this day was a part of their history. “I’ve … I’ve asked God for this. For His timing, of course. But … that there would be another baby someday.”

  “Me too.” They had talked about it. Katy didn’t get pregnant easily, and so there were no guarantees. No promises that she and Dayne would ever have another child. And in that case they were at peace with the fact that they might only have Sophie. But now … now their prayers had been answered so completely she could do nothing but cling to him and to their little girl. “Congratulations, Dayne … you’re going to be a daddy again.”

  When he looked at her this time, he was crying in earnest. He put his hand over her stomach and looked long at her, as if he never wanted the moment to end. “I love you, Katy.”

  “I love you too. Always and a day.”

  I
t was something they said to each other often since they were married. Always and a day. As if no amount of time here on earth would ever be enough to share the love they’d found together.

  “Pray with me, Katy.” He closed his eyes and sniffed a few times, finding control for the moment. “Thank You … dear God, thank You. We commit this baby to You, every day, every month, every season of his or her life. Because You are a great and mighty God, and we want our whole family to serve You all the days …” his voice caught and she could feel him trembling, “all the days of our lives.”

  “In Jesus’ name, amen. Hey …” She kissed the tears off his cheeks. “It’s a happy adventure, remember?”

  “Yes. Crazy happy.” He laughed and dragged the back of his hand over his face. “Those are the only ones that make me cry.”

  BAILEY’S HEART RACED AS THEY STEPPED OFF Brandon’s private jet and climbed into yet another black SUV, this one driven by one of his personal staff. They’d already gotten word that the paparazzi were circling LAX. Someone had spotted them leaving LaGuardia, and their destination was obvious.

  With a four-day break listed on the shooting schedule, the couple had to be flying back to LA and Brandon’s hometown for a New Year’s celebration and a break from the cold and snow.

  “It’s okay.” He stayed a foot in front of her, in case anyone with a long lens was shooting them even now, on the private runway. “I’ve got you, Bailey.”

  “I know.” She exhaled, willing her heart to slow down. “I’m fine. Really.” The paparazzi didn’t exactly frighten her. They were just so much more intense here in Los Angeles. After all, this was where Dayne Matthews had been nearly killed being chased by photographers. One reason she had never seen herself moving here, being a part of Hollywood.

  Brandon’s driver motioned to them. “Get inside. I’ll get your bags.”