It Was You...

  Will could have gone on for hours about what type of tumor and their options. James cut him off abruptly, "how long do I have Will?"

  The doctor looked hurt, as if James had slapped him.

  "Will, please. Without treatment of any kind, how long do you give me?"

  James knew that Dr. Wilhelm Greene was faced at that very moment with a very hard professional dilemma; he claimed to be James' friend but now he had to be his doctor.

  This was different; Will knew that James wanted it straight, no filler.

  "James, I can't be sure…" he started.

  "No Will, don't give me any crap. You know what it looks like and you are familiar with this type of thing, how long do I have to live?" James asked bluntly.

  James noticed Will looked instantly deflated, his confident air gone.

  "Given the current state of the tumor and the potential for increased rapid growth, I would give you only weeks before you are in a medically induced coma for the pain or it incapacitates you completely."

  James waited a moment and let that information sink in, "so I will be dead or as good as dead by the end of the month?"

  It was now Will's turn to hang his head, "James, I am so sorry for this, but this doesn't have to be the end of it, we can try to fight it. There is radiation, there are chemicals that we could use to…"

  James waved him off as he quickly stood up.

  "Thanks Will. Thank you for being honest with me."

  Will looked James directly in the eyes, "You are not alone on this, if the pain becomes too much, there are medications we can prescribe. There are other non-invasive ways to end your suffering."

  James just looked at him blankly; there was nothing more he wanted to say to the man sitting in front of him.

  Will continued, "If all of this gets to be too much for you, there is always the option of…" he lowered his voice to a whisper, "assisted suicide."

  James could not believe what he was hearing, wouldn't that be exactly how Will would want this to end, no blood on his hands if James decided to off himself.

  "I think I can handle myself Will, you have done enough."

  Stunned silent, Will offered his hand but James just turned and left the office.

  "Take care Will. You will be the first to know what happens to me." James oddly smiled and walked towards the door.

  "Oh, and Will," James stated, turning in the doorway, "I did consider you a friend at one time, but you and I both know that I have reason to hate you."

  James walked out of the office, leaving Will standing alone.

  ****

  The call came late one night, and as soon as the phone rang, James knew it was bad news. He had a sick, dark premonition that something was terribly wrong.

  James answered the phone as Sheila rolled over to see who could be calling so late at night. The person on the other end of the phone was Tim's father, Marc Greesley.

  "James, I am so sorry to wake you with bad news but there has been a terrible accident and Tim, um, Tim has been killed…" the man's voice drifted off and James knew that he was stifling tears.

  James was stunned and confused, "What happened Mr. Greesley? Are Renee and the baby alright?"

  The older man on the other end cleared his throat and tried to gather his thoughts.

  "Renee and the baby are stable, they were all rushed to St. Helen's, Tim was already dead and Renee was in labor. They got broad-sided by some asshole who ran the light, the impact punched in the driver's side, killing Tim and sending the car flying. I kept telling Tim to get a bigger car, but he insisted on that damn sissy hybrid of his, if he had been in a goddamn truck, none of this would've happened…" the man trailed off, ranting about the asshole behind the wheel.

  James sat statue still on the edge of their bed, Sheila had moved next to him and by the look on her face, could tell that the news James was receiving was not good.

  "What happened?" she mouthed to him but he didn't respond, he stared out across the room, barely hearing Tim's father on the other end of the phone.

  "James, it is just awful, what is Renee going to do with that little baby all alone? I'll tell you what she will do, we will help her, Tim's mother and I, we'll give that baby everything Tim would have. That little boy deserves all the best that his daddy would have given him…"

  James interrupted, "Boy? Did you say little boy?"

  The old man sighed again, "I'm sorry James, I am babbling. Renee went into labor after the accident and she gave birth to Timothy Jr., our first grandson. He's a little premature and will have to stay in here for a while, but both he and his mom are doing fine. Renee is sleeping right now. She doesn't know about Tim, James. She doesn't know he's gone. How am I going to tell her? Oh God…"

  Tim's father broke down again on the phone and James didn't have a clue as to what to say to him.

  James had just gotten the news that his best friend was dead and that his friend's wife didn't yet know that her husband and father of their child was gone. The realization of it all crashed down on James like a wave and he could no longer hold the phone. He started to let it slip from his hands as his sobs welled up from deep within him and tears streamed down his face. Sheila caught the falling phone and James barely heard the words she spoke to Tim's father as he lost all control of his emotions.

  They flew out for the funeral the next evening. Sheila's mother offered to keep the girls with her for a couple of days, which made traveling easier but the trip was still one of the saddest James had ever taken. Seeing Renee with her new baby boy was joyful, but to know underneath that happiness was a deep sadness, had a profound impact on James. He had dreaded seeing Renee; he had thought the sight of her would be more than he could handle, but once he was able to hug her and comfort her, he realized that she needed him and Sheila there. They helped with arrangements and cared for the house while Renee coped with her loss and her frequent trips back and forth to the hospital. The funeral happened on a Thursday, James would not soon forget the day he buried his best friend. He was a pallbearer along with Tim's father and some of Tim's cousins and co-workers. Standing at the coffin, James remembered the way he felt when his mother had died. She had battled cancer for years before she passed and those last weeks had been hard on them all. James could see her in her hospital bed in the living room, his father could not stand to have in the hospital anymore, so he hired a nurse and had mom come home to die. James could remember the way she smelled, the underlying stench of decay covered by the lilac perfume she loved so much. James was there when she passed, he was holding her hand. He could see the faint smile on her face as her chest raised and lowered for the last time. It had been the first time he had seen her smile in many months. His mother's death had been a terrible loss but also a blessing for both he and his father. Their lives had been taxed by her declining illness over the years, and their relationship was strained due to the constant care that she needed. They both missed her terribly and James could still feel the hurt left by her death.

  Tim's death was different. A life cut short before it's time and with no warning. A young man soon to be a father killed so quickly without any explanation or reason. Not that there is ever has to be a reason for someone's death, but when someone dies from a terminal sickness, you have something to blame it on. Tim's death was so uncalled for and frustrating. The man that had been driving the car that hit them was drunk, way beyond any state limit for blood-alcohol levels. He was charged with vehicular manslaughter; sentenced to eight to ten years in prison and got out on parole after twenty-two months. James had thought about finding that man and killing him; the thought had crossed his mind on many occasions. He figured it would be a release, something to help him through the pain. He had mentioned that to Renee several months after the accident and she very calmly had told him he was crazy. There was no need to take another man's life for what had happened to Tim; she explained that the man who killed Tim would have to live with that for the rest o
f his life and if that was not punishment enough, that man had no soul. After a couple of years had passed since Tim's death, James had come to the conclusion that Renee seemed to be coping with the loss of her husband much better than James was coping with the loss of his best friend. He thought about Tim often, the times they had spent together and all of the life experiences that they had shared.

  For months after Tim's funeral, James felt surrounded by loss and sorrow. He felt as if he was still coping with the loss of his mother in some ways and now he had to deal with the loss of someone else very important in his life. James struggled with his grief and anger alone. He rarely shared his feelings with anyone, even Sheila. He immersed himself in his work and spent way too much time away from his wife and children during that time when he needed their love the most. It was during that time of deep depression after Tim's death, that James really started to take a long hard look at his life and all of the things that had been taken away from him. He often thought of his mother and Tim, but his thoughts also strayed to Karen. She had become a constant in James' thoughts again and began to resent all that he had in his life; he resented not pursuing what his heart had told him years ago, felt right. He had walked away from Karen that day because he thought that was what was expected of him. He went back to Sheila knowing that everyone expected them to be together; to get married and have kids. James had come to realize that Tim had been right so many years ago. He had told James that he needed to realize what his heart wanted and to go after it. James should not have passed Karen off as a fling; he should not have ignored how his heart felt about her. They had shared something very special that had touched James deep to his core. He had never really been rid of Karen; she was always there with him. She was a constant reminder of what could have been. She was the one that James had let go from his life. James felt like she was the missing piece to his puzzle, the one reason he could never find true happiness in his life. He was very content with the life that he and Sheila had and he loved her and the girls very much. But it was the constant feeling that seemed to come from his bones, the one that ate at him, that made him realize that he may never find that true love again. James was almost certain that what he had shared with Karen was more than a lustful infatuation. He and Karen had connected on a deeper level that neither of them totally understood at the time. James had given plenty of thought to what Tim had told him about her actions after he had left camp, and decided that he could only get the truth from her. He felt in his heart that she had only sought out the company of another because the she had felt the loss as strongly as James did after he returned home. He had Sheila to go back to; he had her love to use as a crutch. It was clear to James that Karen had nothing to go back to and he couldn't imagine the hurt she must have felt at his leaving. As hard as it had been on James, it must have been that much worse for her.

  He decided then, that he needed to try and get in touch with her. He needed to know what she had felt that summer and if she had been as affected as he was by the time they had shared. James knew that it was absurd and very unrealistic that anything would ever change in his life now, but just knowing how she had felt about him may help settle his mind and heart.

  ****

  Back in his car and heading across town, James did not turn on the radio. He listened instead, to the sound of the world around him. The thrum of the tires on the road, the flip-flap beat of the wipers as they cleared the windshield and the sound of the rain as it fell from the sky upon his car roof.

  James had been expecting the news Will had given him. He had felt deep inside that something was very wrong with him and that it was not going to be good news. James thought of his family, thought of Sheila and the girls at her sister's house, he wondered what she had told them. How had she explained that they were going away from daddy and that they had not spoken to him in several days? That is what hurt the most, not the fact that Sheila had left and that she knew about Leah, but that he had not spoken to or seen his girls. They meant the world to him and he never meant to hurt them; he realized that he had not thought of them enough when he decided to do the things he did. Much of James' pain came from knowing that he had ruined what life he did have for the chance to have what he thought he was missing in his life. He had made many mistakes in his life and couldn't remember a time when there wasn't something in his life he regretted not doing or regretting all the things he had done.

  James could feel the tears welling up in his eyes as he drove; his next stop was going to be the hardest of the day. James drove down one rain soaked street after another, towards Maple Glen Nursing and Care Facility.

  James' father had suffered a mild stoke last year that left him semi-paralyzed on his left side and quite immobile. The decision to put him in a care facility after he had spent several years living with them had been especially difficult. Sheila had been the one to help James through it all; she had been by his side and helped him realize that it was best for his father to have the constant care that they could not provide him. James and Sheila had decided on Maple Glen because in was close to them and because it was an affordable option based on what James' father's insurance would pay for. James had not been totally sold on the care staff or the doctor's that would be caring for his father, but they seemed nice enough and his father always seemed content when he visited.

  The visit tonight was not going to be easy. James knew that his father, if he was having a good day, would be able to sense the burden that James was carrying and James would not be able to keep it from him. When James entered his father's room, the lights were dim and his father sat facing the window watching what he could only know through the glass. James had bumped into one of the nurses on the way in and he had explained that Mr. Matheson had been having a rough day; seemed he couldn't get control of his emotions. James took a deep breath and entered his father's room. Simply furnished, the room had but one visitor's chair, a straight back recliner for James' father, a small closet and dresser for his clothes which he rarely wore and the bed. The ceiling lights were off and the bed side lamp was the only light softly glowing in the room. The long hallway passed the private bathroom allowed little of the stark corridor lights to penetrate into the room.

  James approached his father and placed his hand on his shoulder.

  James' father immediately reached up with his right hand and placed it over James'.

  "I had hoped you would come tonight" he slurred; his speech had been affected by the stroke and made it very difficult to understand him some days.

  James smiled at his father and took a seat next to him by the window.

  "It's raining pretty hard out there, been raining like that all day" James said.

  "Fred tells me you are not having a good day, are you okay?"

  James' father slowly turned his face towards James; his facial features had slowly started to fall southward and he looked permanently sad and long in the face.

  "James," he stated slowly "how long has your mother been dead?"

  James replied quietly, "it's been almost twenty years Dad."

  His father just turned back to the window and gazed out into the rain quietly.

  James noticed that his father looked tired and run down. For a man of his age, he should not have looked so exhausted; as if life had taken its complete toll on him. James could remember a time when his father was full of vigor, full of life. He had been an avid fisherman; passing that passion on to James. James' father had also loved his job and enjoyed molding the young minds of tomorrow, as he used to say. But now he just looked spent, out of the energy to go on. The spark that had faded when James' mother passed was all but gone from the ailing man's eyes that James saw before him.

  "I miss her James. I miss her something terrible. She was my life, she gave me you and she was my one and only. I loved her with every ounce of my being and I still love her more than I can fully understand," he paused to catch his breath, "James, I l
ove you son. I can see that you have a lot on your mind. I have noticed the last couple times you have come to see me. You are a good man and you have a wonderful family James. I am an old man who is weary and tired. I know I have good days and bad, seems like mostly bad, but today she just won't leave me alone. I can see her everywhere I look. I miss her James, I miss her."

  James looked at his father with a combination of sadness and jealously.

  He was saddened by his father's health and its decline over the past couple of weeks, and it was times of complete clarity like this that really made James worry for his father. James knew that even during his worst moments of confusion, there was the man he knew trapped deep inside his own mind, lost and confused. At the same time, James found himself envious of his father's love for his long deceased wife. James parents had found that true love you read about in books and saw on the movies; they were the fairytale romance that would last forever and James had always wanted that for himself. Sheila had always been by his side and had loved him through it all, but why had that not been enough in the end. James thought he had figured it out; figured out exactly what he had needed and wanted out of life and had moved past the long-distant memories of that summer with Karen, until he met Leah and she changed everything.

  ****

  James spent the next couple of weeks trying to locate Karen. He tried everything from cold calls from the phonebook to internet friend sites. He had little to no luck tracking down the girl from his past. He was determined to find her. He had to know how she felt about him and if what transpired between them that summer was as real as he thought it was. He started constantly dreaming of her again and focusing on anything else in his life. Karen had once again taken over his mind and controlled his thoughts. He could not shake the way she had made him feel back then; the way they had connected on such a deep unconscious level. She had left her indelible mark on his soul. James could not change how she had affected his life; he could only look to better understand why he felt the way he did for her.