It Was You...
The thought of that day sickened James again. Having to deal with Will about his headaches, after that, was one of the toughest things he had ever done. James knew that it was not right to judge his wife for what she was doing based on what he had been doing at the time, but the anger and frustration were still very real and cut him deep. Will had known about his illness; he had known that James was a sick man. James didn't know if Will ever spoke of him to Sheila; James had not told her yet that he was sick. She had not mentioned anything, so he could only assume that Will had kept their patient doctor relationship separate. He still could not figure out where Will and Sheila could have met. James remembered talking about Will often, but he had never introduced the two of them. He spoke often of Sheila to Will and was sure that he had even mentioned where she had worked in passing conversation.
It seemed unreal to him that he and Sheila could have a life together but seemingly be worlds apart. He assumed that there was something missing in their lives and he felt responsible for not being there for Sheila when she may have needed him.
They had grown farther apart over the past couple of months and he could only imagine that he was not fulfilling his obligations in their marriage both emotionally and physically.
It saddened James to know that their marriage and lives had come to this.
He worried for the girls and how all of this would work out in the end. How could it have come to this in their lives? It hurt James to know that, after he was gone, Will and Sheila could possibly share a life together, a life James had neglected and shied away from. He would not be there for his girls as they grew and matured; he was going to miss so much of their lives.
Tears welled up in his eyes as he drove down one street and another, not knowing exactly where he was going. James knew that he needed to get home and take some stronger medicine for the pain, but he felt he had someone he needed to talk to after his father's breakdown in his room. James remembered the man his father had referred to in his ramblings.
Gene Klein had been a family friend for years.
James had grown up calling the man Uncle Gene. Gene owned and was sole proprietor of a small dive bar in Williamstown. Gene had been married several times over the course of his life and had fathered more children than he claimed as his own. James' father had alluded to Gene Klein seducing James' mother at some point in his parent's marriage and James wanted to know what really happened. He found himself driving through the back streets of town to the only place he could recall in his memories of Uncle Gene.
The Five Hole has been a local haunt for many years. All of the factory workers from Milner's Textiles and the canning plant of Freeburg Street frequented its nicked and dented bar for a cold one with the boys.
Gene ran a simple establishment, cold drinks that were never watered down and fast food that was never really good. His limited menu offered the staple cheese burger and fries or pulled pork with coleslaw. You could ask if there was anything else on the menu and Gene would politely tell you "no".
Most people didn't come to the Five Hole for the food anyway, they came for the drinks and the chance to get away from everyday life and listen to Gene's stories. The man was a gifted story-teller; a true gem when it came to spinning a tale or just telling a good joke. Gene was a handsome man; you found yourself captivated by his voice and interested in anything he might have to say. That was part of the draw in his bar; people came for the drinks but stayed to hear Gene talk about anything and everything.
Gene's family had lived through the Holocaust, his grandparents and parents had escaped Germany at the time before the Nazi's had sent all of the Jews away. Gene tells stories of the time during the war when you were not safe; it was not wise to show your beliefs. Gene's grandfather had bribed a wealthy Polish man to take their family in. In return the greedy man took liberties with both Gene's grandmother and her daughter's; one being already betrothed to Gene's father.
It was his family's past struggles that gave Gene his sense of being and firm grasp on humanity. He would tell stories of harder times and you could feel the pain and you suffered with him; when he spoke of jubilant times, your heart soared at the sound of his voice.
James entered the darkened bar room and was taken back to an easier time in his life, where afternoons were spent at one of the back booths doing homework or sitting at the bar talking to Gene. He was raised on old-fashion love songs from the juke box and loud discussions about the Phillies verse the Pirates and the Flyers verse the Penguins.
Those debates still occurred today, but there was never any doubt that they were in Birds territory because it was never up for discussion as to who might be better than the Philadelphia Eagles.
Gene had opened the bar a whim.
He had inherited some money from the passing of his grandfather. With his newly acquired bankroll, Gene decided he wanted to open a night club, with loud music and flashing lights.
The nightclub never evolved from the plywood paneling and old stools of the dilapidated bar, but what Gene had created was a well known bar where good friend's could meet and have a drink.
James' mother had been the first waitress Gene hired. Regina Matheson was a vivacious woman who took crap from no one. She had been laid off from her job at the plant in seventy-six during a period of economic crisis that seemed to have everyone looking for jobs. She had known Gene from his days as a foreman at the plant; when he reached out to her about a job at his new bar, she went for it.
She and James' father were still struggling with the bills at home and his job at the local community college was not paying what they had hoped. She took the job with hopes that it would be a part time thing until she found another more permanent position.
Time passed and Gene paid well.
James' mother was a very attractive woman in her time, so the tips from the tired, lonely mill workers also helped pad her wallet at the end of the week. The months rolled by and before she or James' father knew it, she was pregnant, expecting their first child. Gene agreed to take her on his business insurance during the pregnancy and wanted to help in any way he could.
It did not seem odd at the time, but looking back on all that Gene had done for James' parents; he had to have had more at stake in the whole deal.
Regina gave birth to James in May of seventy-nine. It had been an exciting time in their lives and Gene had understood her needing time off to be with her new baby. He had hired another waitress, and Regina only worked part time for the first couple of years after James was born.
When James had reached school age and his mother went back to work full time, he could remember spending a lot of time at the Five Hole. Gene was like a second father to James and had given their family a lot over the years.
James' mother had worked for Gene right up until she became too sick to work anymore.
After James' mother had passed, the relationship between his father and Gene had become strained and it wasn't long, before Gene was no longer in James' life. When he asked his father about Uncle Gene and why he never came around anymore; James' father had just answered abruptly that people change and that was the end of it.
James saw Gene at the far end of the bar talking to a couple of the locals, James could have sworn that they were the same men that used to sit there when he was younger.
The man James once knew very well had aged; his eyes were not as bright as they once were and the spring in his step was clipped to a slight bounce.
Gene's shoulders had begun to slump and he looked tired. James could still hear his voice over the din of the room and could have picked out his boisterous laugh anywhere.
Gene did not see James come in and sit at the other end of the bar from where he was. James sat and watched the older man as he talked to his patrons.
James remembered all of those times in his life when Gene and his mother were together. James was too young then to know or understand, but now as a man sitting there at the
bar, he understood completely about what type of relationship Gene and his mother may have had.
Several minutes passed before the older gentleman made his way back down the bar towards James. A young, perky waitress had taken James' drink order and he was sipping the smooth tonic when Gene approached him.
"How ya doin' tonight young man?" Gene asked, not recognizing James right away.
"I'm fine Uncle Gene, how have you been?" James replied unconsciously letting a smile come across his face.
A look of recognition came across the man's face.
"Jimmy my boy, it that really you?" the bartender replied, returning the smile, "I have not seen you in over fifteen years, how the hell have you been? How's your dad?"
James was surprised to hear Gene ask about his father.
"Dad has been better. He had a stroke a couple of years back and is now suffering the effects of full-blown Alzheimer's."
The old man shook his head in disbelief.
"He is living over at Maple Glen now, but they are taking real good care of him," James continued.
"Thanks for asking Gene. How have you been doing these past years?"
Gene had a look of pride and joy on his face, James almost started to blush under the old man's gaze.
"Glad to hear he is being taken care of, awful shame to hear that he hasn't been well. Your father was always a good man, loved your mother to pieces he did," the old man paused "loved her very much indeed."
James noticed something in Gene's face that he did not recognize, something that he took for regret but wasn't sure.
"Ah well, may she rest in peace, amen"
Gene continued, "I have been doing fairly well for myself, Jimmy. Life has dealt me some bad cards but I was always able to sort it out in the end. Business has been the same, but since the mill closed down, some of the old timers have stopped coming in."
Gene scanned the room as if taking inventory of the few bar flies milling about at the other end of the room.
"It's that damn sports bar on Hawthorne, taking all my younger crowd with their big screen TV's and half naked waitresses" he shook his head in disgust.
"You know, they should shut them down for indecent exposure, although come to think of it, some of those girls are not that hard on the eyes" the old man winked.
"Jimmy, I tell you, I have had a long and happy life. Had too many wives and not enough lovers. Some of them have made me happy and I have made some of them happy, but in the end what is really important?" he asked.
James looked at the old man puzzled for a moment and shrugged his shoulders.
"I'll tell you what is important," he continued "what is important, is that you found it in yourself to be happy with who you are. To be happy with the life you led and be sure that you are content with the decisions you made."
James could feel his head start to slowly throb again, the pain had subsided, but seemed to be returning. It slowly started rolling through his skull like a steam locomotive.
He rubbed his temples and looked Gene in the eyes, "that is all well and good Gene, but what about the people in your life, the ones that you have loved, your children? Are they not the key to ones happiness?" he asked.
"Jimmy, they are the key to your legacy, the way you raise and love your children will live on through them and they will go out and find true happiness for themselves."
"Yes, we love our kids unconditionally and want the best for them, but we can't give them happiness, they have to find it on their own. And we are there to love them and accept their mistakes. Love them in spite of their faults."
Gene smiled at James.
"Jimmy, I can see that you are in pain, not just that whopper of a headache you look to be fighting, but deep inside, I can see it in your eyes, you are hurting. You have to find the one thing in life that makes you happy and the people in your life will still be there by your side to love and to share in your happiness."
James was taken back by Gene's view on the world and even more on his accurate insight into James' pain.
"Gene, I am sick. I do not have long to live. It is an inoperable brain tumor" James paused, the words weighed heavy on him.
"I have tried to live my life the best that I could. I miss mom more with everyday that passes, and I try to do the best by dad, but it is hard. My wife is having an affair and wants a divorce and my girls will never get to know the man that I was."
James could feel the warm tears start to roll down his cheeks as he opened up his heart to Gene.
"Jimmy," Gene started "I am so sorry to see you like this. It breaks my heart to know that you are hurting. You tell me what I can do for you, anything. Have you made plans for the future, I mean for the girls?" the old man's eyes were filled with concern.
James just stared into Gene's eyes, tears streamed from his eyes.
"Oh Jimmy, I am so sorry."
Gene reached across the bar and took James' hand in his. His calloused hands were firm and coarse, but gentle at the same time.
"Jimmy, listen to me. I cannot begin to imagine what is going on inside of your mind right now, but you need to come to terms with the man that you are and have been, you need to leave this world knowing you did alright by yourself and the ones that you loved. You can't leave this earth not realizing that you are a good man."
Gene's eyes started to glass over with tears of his own, but his gaze was strong and unwavering.
James could feel the emotion rolling up from inside of him.
Talking to Gene made James miss his mother more than he ever thought he would. Realizing his short time left, made James reflect on all of his life.
Gene just looked at James and held his hand tightly in his own.
James could not believe that it had come to this; his life was over and he felt he had nothing to show for it. Of course, he had his girls, but they were so young and he would never know the beautiful women that they would be one day; the pain of that realization cut deep and was almost unbearable.
James also thought of Sheila and all that they had been through; all of the love he should have been showing her but couldn't. He could not blame her for seeking the comfort of another at such a time when he had been so absent from their relationship.
Their marriage had become one of necessity, an obligation to each other and their girls. There had been times of passion and romance, but their love had dissolved to nothing more than a union of mother and father.
They had lost James and Sheila along the way, and James knew that there would have never been a way to get that back. James felt in his heart that he had pursued the wrong desires in his life; he had searched for something that he already had at home. He had the love of a woman and she was his wife, a woman that loved him so deeply once that nothing could have broken that bond. It had been ridiculous for James to think that anything would have ever come of him and Karen, or him and Leah for that matter.
The time that he got to spend with Karen after so many years apart was magical, made his heart soar. But she was gone now, and he would never know what may have happened. He had ruined his marriage and let his children down; he had also lost the one woman that had truly been there for him through it all.
James just sat at the bar holding an old friend's hand and crying.
There were no more words that needed to be spoken between him and Gene. James had understood that the love Gene had for his mother had never been reciprocated by his mother to Gene.
James understood that Gene had honestly cared and adored his mother but Regina Matheson had loved her husband and wanted nothing more than to love him and her son for the rest of her life.
James wished he could help his father see this truth, but the old man's mind was too clouded with disease to ever understand.
****
As the school year ended and summer came into full swing, James and Leah were spending a lot of time together. It amazed James how well, he and Sheila functioned as parents spending so much time apart;
spending so much time with their lovers. James did not know at the time that Sheila had been well aware of his indiscretions. He had not been as slick as he thought he was.
Both of the girls had been enrolled in summer camp programs, giving James the opportunity to spend his days with Leah and his evenings with his daughters because Sheila was always working late.
It just so happened that on the morning James was to meet Leah for a late breakfast, at one of their favorite diners a couple of towns over that he ran into Karen.
James' head had been in a fog since he had confirmed his suspicions about Sheila and Will. He had gone as far as following them several times over the past couple of weeks while the girls were at Sheila's mothers.
James was completely torn as to what he should do about the situation that he was in. He knew that he was just as guilty, for what he was doing with Leah, as Sheila was for her affair with Will.
It just hurt so much to think that Will may have taken advantage of him; being his friend but stealing his wife. It almost disgusted James to think that a man of such skill and knowledge would sink so low. James knew Sheila was an attractive woman, he saw the heads turn at the mall when they were together; he knew that men found her almost irresistible. Sheila had an air about her that made it easy for men to want to be near her, to want to almost worship her and bask in her radiance. She was not arrogant nor did she flaunt her beauty, it was natural and she only enhanced the total package with her easy smile.
Sheila had changed over the years as her status in the law firm had increased. Sheila was no longer the loving mother and caring wife that she had once been. There was steel in her eyes that could make you uncomfortable if it was turned on you. She was wonderful with their daughters but she seemed to have less and less time for them in her life and it hurt James to see that. He did not know where their lives where leading them and it made him sad to think about the girls having to grow-up with Sheila as their mom if she didn't have time for them. The whole situation had become so contorted it made James' head hurt when he tried to think about what may happen in the future.