It Was You...

  "Let's go play with our rods before I have to leave tomorrow" Tim had joked.

  Renee just rolled her eyes and clucked her tongue at the two of them.

  "You boys go right ahead and play with your rods… Sheila and I are going to talk weddings."

  James reluctantly went with Tim to the bait shop.

  On the way there Tim posed a simple question to James.

  "Is she the one for you?"

  James just looked over at his friend and then back at the road, he was surprised he didn't know how to answer.

  "Sheila deserves to be happy and I want to give that to her" James responded.

  "That is not what I asked you. Is she the one for you? It is a simple yes or no question James."

  Tim's tone of voice had changed since they left the apartment, James could tell he was serious about this and was not going to let James off easy.

  "She is the one for me, she makes me happy and I want to give her that in return. I love her very much. She has been through so much with me."

  James could feel the heat rising in his face; almost insulted that he felt he needed to defend his feelings for Sheila.

  "You look mad at me James. Why do you think I am concerned for you man? Why do you think I would put you on the spot like this? Marriage is for as long as you both shall live, but true love is forever. What Renee and I have together is like nothing I have ever experienced before. She compliments all of my good qualities and outshines my bad. I have in Renee what every man should want in a woman. She is my friend and lover, soon to be wife. I love Renee more than I can put to words but I also know inside that she is who and what I want out of life. Can you say that about Sheila? Can you say that she completes you, that she is your soul's perfect match?" Tim replied.

  James stared at the road ahead of him, his eyes blearing behind his tears.

  "You have been on egg shells all weekend man, what is up with you? You sounded so excited about the engagement in your e-mails. You sounded like you had figured it all out" Tim's frustration was starting to show.

  "You don't think Renee would say anything about Karen to Sheila, do you?" James asked almost without thinking.

  "What in the hell are you talking about!" Tim shouted. "Why in the world would either of us bring up Karen? Have you lost your mind? You have asked that girl to be your wife. Renee and I don't want to stomp all over that with talk about what happened last summer. You need to get something straight right now" his voice wavered some, "We both want the best for you guys, but I am truly worried about your head and where it is with this whole marriage thing."

  James tried to recover by saying thanks but Tim cut him off quickly.

  "You have some serious soul searching to do James. Sheila is in this for good. She doesn't want to mess around with the rest of your lives. She needs to know that you are going to be there for her through it all. You have to be committed to yourself and this marriage one hundred percent. If you are still dealing with issues of the heart related to Karen, then deal with them and move forward, whichever that way may be. It has been a year James, and you still can't get that girl out of your head. She is gone from your life James. She apparently had no problem moving on after you were no where to be seen. Listen, the last time Renee talked to her she was living with some guy in Philly, she was working full time at some school. Sorry to be the one to break it to you like that, but she has moved way past the summer at Orion man, and you should too."

  James felt his heart wince at Tim's words.

  The message Tim relayed to him was one he didn't want to hear. He realized that he had moved forward with his life, but part of him still wished that she was out there looking for him, wondering what he was doing just like he was with her.

  "James, I'm serious. You need to tell Sheila everything and let the chips fall where they will. You are hung up on Karen, to the point where you think Renee and I are going to talk about her and ruin your relationship" Tim said point-blank.

  "I can't tell her, it would destroy her and our relationship. I am over Karen Tim, I really am. I just worry about Sheila finding out about what I did last summer and how much it would hurt her."

  James hung his head.

  "Pull over" Tim commanded, "This is crazy."

  James did as his friend asked and as he put the car in park

  Tim started to speak again, "look at me James. Really look at me. I have not known you for a long time but we have shared a good amount of experiences together. You are a dear friend and I care a lot about you. You and Sheila are great together. She is a saint for putting up with you. You guys deserve the best and that is what Renee and I want for you. Just make sure you are right with it, make sure you know where your head and heart are before you marry her. If you are not over this Karen thing then get over it, do what you have to do to move past it. She is a distant memory that should stay that way, but if there is more to it then you need to pursue it and find out for yourself why you can't get her out of your head. Make sure you are clear with what you want before you marry Sheila. It needs to be for all of the right reasons."

  James could feel that Tim spoke honestly to him because he cared.

  Tim had become a very good friend.

  James looked at his friend and spoke truthfully, "I do not know why I can't get Karen out of my mind but I know I love Sheila and she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. She means the world to me and that is why I want her to be my wife. Karen will be nothing more than a memory from now on, she was a thing that I did in my past and I will move forward away from that now."

  Tim smiled at James, "Good. You need to realize what you want before you go marrying that sweet girl."

  James hugged Tim, it was a very random gesture, but Tim returned the hug openly.

  "I want you to be my best man Griz. Will you stand up there with me?" James asked.

  "Of course I will man. Anything for you." James sat back in his seat satisfied with their talk and excited about the future that lay ahead for he and Sheila.

  "Now take me to the tackle shop you big dummy" Tim joked, "I can’t get a good fly out in Cali, even if I left raw meat on the sidewalk for a week."

  James laughed at his friend's bad joke and so did Tim.

  That talk James shared with Tim in the car made him realize that he was looking at the wrong reasons for marrying Sheila and he was going to change. Sheila was his future and their life together is what he planned on focusing on. Karen was different, she had gotten into his heart and remained there, but it was time for him to move past his feelings for her, whatever they may be, and look towards his future with Sheila and the life that they were just starting to make together.

  ****

  In the fading light of her kitchen, Leah's eyes filled with tears as James weighed the words in his head. James knew the time had come to tell Leah everything about his past. He needed to be honest with her and let her know that the love that they had shared was over.

  Leah had become a fixture in James' life and he had come to count on the comfort he got from being around her. They were the best of friends and always had fun just being together. Their sex life was passionate and real. James felt alive in her arms; she made him feel like a man again with her energy and vitality. James had lost sight himself long ago, and being with her made him feel whole. Leah's love for life and her lust for James was an overwhelming feeling. She was strong in her desires and needs; she knows what she wants and gets what she wants. James knew this turning point in their relationship was not going to be easy. They had both gotten in way too deep and now trying to move away from that was going to be very hard.

  "She was the one before me, wasn't she? She is the one who truly broke your heart, the one that sent you searching all these years?" she repeated herself as she began to sob. "You really loved her and now you are going to tell me goodbye, aren't you? You are going to walk away from everything we have bec
ause of her. You don't think I noticed a change in you. You have been acting strange for weeks now."

  James looked her in the eyes and spoke softly, "her name was Karen and she was my true love. She and I shared a passion that has spanned over nine years now. Our lives took different paths and until just recently, we had not been in touch for that entire time. She and I met at a summer camp where we both were interning. She was young and vivacious, full of a spirit that made my heart jump. She had me at first glance, she was beautiful. As radiant as the summer sun and she shined from the inside, not just her looks were beautiful but her person within. Her inner beauty was amazing, she and I connected like no one I have ever connected with before. She was the other half to my heart and soul," he paused and rubbed his temples, trying to ease the throb in his head, "I feel like this is corny and so unreal, but it is true. Karen has been with me since the day I left her. She has been the one thing that was missing in my life. So, yes, I did love her and still do. I think you and the others in my past have been fillers for what has really been missing. I am not a happy man and I am not happy with the things I have done. You mean so very much to me and it hurts to see you like this. I can't go on like this, the pain is too great and you deserve better than what I can't give you."

  Leah looked hurt, but she also had a look of understanding in her eyes.

  "Jimmy, you will never understand the way I feel about you. I do not think I will ever be able to express my love to you completely or make you see what a special man you really are. To your girls, to me, to anyone that may ever meet you in their lives. Jimmy you have set such a high standard for yourself that I do not think you will ever be able to live up to it. I can see that I am not what you were looking for, and the hurt in your eyes shows me that I will never compare to or be the woman that she was, but you have a life that you need to live for yourself not for anyone else. I want you to love me Jimmy, but if that is not going to happen, please at least live for yourself. Make a decision for you Jimmy, make you happy."

  She continued, fighting back more tears, "does she know Jimmy? Does Sheila know the truth? Have you talked to your wife about how you really feel?" She paused, staring James in the eyes, "And how do you really feel Jimmy? You said that you hadn't seen this woman in nine years right? How can you be so sure that she was the one? I am not doubting you Jimmy, but nine years is a long time, and for her to seek you out seems a little weird. Was she married too?"

  James replied, "No, she was divorced with two young boys."

  Leah shook her head, "she was divorced and comes looking for an old flame and you fall for it, you really think she had anything to lose by looking you up again?"

  There was a bitter anger in her voice that James had never heard before.

  "No. She had a lot to lose; her heart was on the line too. And she was the one Leah; she has been with me for nine years now. I have been living with her memory for all this time, trying to make sense of who I am and where I am supposed to be. When she came back into my life, I finally realized that she was the one that had made me feel something deep inside. She was the one that fit. Leah, I know this isn't easy to hear and it isn't easy for me to say, but you deserve to know that what we have is real but I can't continue doing it. I can't continue lying to my wife and living in deceit of our marriage. Karen is gone, I know that. But, it doesn't mean that I can't change and try to make amends for the mistakes in my life. I told Sheila about us the other night and it broke my heart to see her hurt. That is also why we cannot be. You and I have something special and that I will not deny, but my life is changing now and I want you to move forward without me. You deserve better than me and my screwed up life."

  Leah looked at him with sad eyes, tears rolling freely down her face.

  "Jimmy, I would like to think that we do have something really special, I would like to think that you do truly love me the way I love you. I know it is hard for you to say to me, but I feel the way you love me and I hope you feel that in return from me. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for Jimmy. Do you think I would have stuck through all the ups and downs if I didn't really love you? Do you think I would have been the part-time girl in your life if I didn't hope there was going to be more, that one day those promises you made early on would come true? Yes, I want to be with you and I want you to love me back, but if you don't love me like that anymore then that is what it is. You have to be happy for yourself Jimmy, you need to find the things in your life that will make it worth while. I am not one of those things anymore, that is clear, and I hate that. But you mean more to me then just letting go. I will be here Jimmy, because I love you" she couldn't hold back the next wave of tears any longer.

  "You and I have something a lot of people never get to experience in their lives. Ours is a love with no barriers. You make me feel comfortable with myself. You have never judged me or made me feel unimportant," she swallowed back her sobs, "my father, may he rot in hell, is to blame for my insecurities. But you always made me feel loved and beautiful. I love you Jimmy and I don't want to give that up so easily, I am not sorry for that."

  James walked over to her and took her in his arms. He kissed her head as she cried into his shoulder.

  "Leah, I am so sorry for all of this, I am sorry for ever letting us happen. If I could take back the hurt I would, but I can't. I do not regret the feelings I have for you but they are not right and that is what bothers me the most. Our relationship is based on lies and deceit" he paused, trying to collect his thoughts.

  "I can't hold it against you that you love me and don't want to give that up, I do not hate you for having feelings towards me and wanting more from me. But I can't give you those things, not physically or emotionally. Seeing Karen again made me realize what was really missing in my life, and you unfortunately are just another way that I was trying to fill the spaces left empty in my life. I love my wife dearly, and I love my kids even more. My family counts on me to be the best husband and father that I can be. That is a lot to live up to some days. I have betrayed their trust too often and taken for granted the life that I have. Sheila has always been there for me and she also deserves better than me."

  Leah cut him off, "Stop saying that Jimmy. You are a good man, and I hope she knows what she has. I hope she appreciates everything that you do for her and your girls."

  There was that bitterness in her voice again, James was surprised to see such a serious look in her eyes as she spoke.

  "Jimmy, you are a good man. You and I both know what we have is not something that either of us went looking for, well I did maybe, but our intentions were never for it to get like this. I know how I feel in my heart and I want you to be true to yourself and recognize what you want. This sucks, I am not going to lie, but I would rather have you happy then upset and broken hearted. But promise me you will think of yourself. Promise me you will not continue your life as it is because you feel like that is what you have to do. I love you Jimmy, I love you very much."

  James' heart felt as if it were being crushed under the weight of all that had happened to him over the last couple of weeks. He did truly love Leah for the person that she was and for the way that she made him feel. It hurt having to tell her goodbye. James was going to be thirty-one next month and he had come to see more of the hurt and pain in his life than the happiness and joy. He had a wonderful family; two beautiful little girls that loved him very much.

  Leah, at one time, had added to that joy, but as their relationship became more involved and their true feelings became revealed, the guilt and shame was just too great. James knew he was wrong for what he had done to Sheila and to his daughters, but he couldn't take those things back now. He could only change for the better now and move forward. He was going to tell Sheila how he truly felt and everything that had happened in his life. He owed that to her, it wouldn't be easy for her to hear, but James was sure that her love for their family would carry her through. James wasn't going to beg for forgiveness but h
e wanted to make the truth known and let the rest of their lives play out from there.

  James looked at his watch and realized that it was getting later. He needed to get home and talk to Sheila while the emotions were still raw. If he thought about things too long he wouldn't go through with everything he needed to.

  "Leah, I have to get going. I have to get home and talk to her. I'm sorry."

  Leah just looked at him with her puffy eyes and smiled, "Jimmy, you mean the world to me and if there is anything I can do for you, let me know please. Don't shut me out, I want to help you through this. I know you are hurting and that makes me worry about you more. I am sorry that she is gone Jimmy. Karen, was that her name? I am sorry that you will never know what the future may have held for you guys."

  That was a hard blow to James, he held her tighter, just holding on to that moment for a little longer.

  "She is gone and that really hurts but what we had was not destined to ever be experienced again" he stepped back from her and kissed her quickly on the lips, "take care of yourself promise. Don't dwell on the things that we can't have together."

  "You are talking like we will never see each other again? We work together you know, I will see you again" she replied.

  "Just promise me that you will move on, and find someone who can love you the way I couldn't."

  James walked from the room to retrieve his coat. As he was putting the damp jacket back on and bracing for the cold rain again, Leah came to him and kissed him deeply.

  James returned the kiss. He savored that intimacy for a minute longer before pulling from her and opening the front door.

  "Drive safe Jimmy. It's really raining out there."

  She had a look of concern in her eyes that James recognized immediately.

  "I will be fine to get home, don't worry. I am sorry again for all of this Leah, you really do mean a lot to me and yes, I do love you" he smiled as he stepped out into the rain.

  He saw a look of relief come across her face and she watched him all the way to the car and only closed the door after he was pulling away from the curb.