It Was You...

  James had lied to Leah, he wasn't headed straight home from her place. He had an appointment across town in about forty-five minutes that he knew would be a bear to make in rush hour traffic. Leah didn't need to know about the appointment, she would just worry. It seemed, to James, like the right thing to do; Leah cared about James and didn't need another reason to hold on.

  James turned the radio on and listened to the words to the song that was playing.

  "…what do I have to do to make you see, she can't love you like me. Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees. I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?"

  Jennifer Nettles' voice boomed through his car as James drove away from Leah forever. He couldn't go back to the way that it had been before Karen had come back into his life. James was a changed man with his destiny spilling out in front of him. This appointment would further confirm the outcome.

  ****

  James and Sheila were the happiest together that they had ever been during the year they planned for their wedding. Sheila worked extra hours and James pushed his way through classes and the late nights working. It wasn't always easy but together they made it through another year and everyday was another day closer to the wedding. The honeymoon had been decided on and with the money her parents had given them, it was not out of their budget. The trip was nothing extravagant but it was a perfect little get-away planned for the two of them to enjoy being newly wed and to escape their everyday lives for a couple of days.

  James looked forward to the time away after the wedding more than he did the ceremony. He was very excited to marry Sheila and make her his wife, but after his second year of grad school, James was ready for a little rest and relaxation. The trip was planned for them to fly to Florida and hop on a cruise ship through the Caribbean. Several islands were on the ship's roster to port along the way. James had never been on a cruise and was looking forward to being out on the ocean with his new wife enjoying every moment together.

  That would have to wait though, the wedding was quickly approaching and there was still a lot that had to be finished. The bills had started mounting and James worried that they were going to put themselves in debt just trying to get married. Sheila had started talking about houses and James could not bear to think of a mortgage payment on top of everything else. Their rent was high, and putting that money towards an investment in real estate made more sense, but the thought of buying a house this close to the actual wedding made James dizzy with anxiety. They had agreed to start looking for a place when they got back from the honeymoon; when things had settled down some.

  The tuxes had been rented and the dresses had all been altered for the last time. Tim's tux sizes had been shipped from California and he and Renee were due to arrive the day after tomorrow. James realized, while driving home after a late shift at the store, that he was going to be married in four days. His heart beat rapidly and he was forced to pull his car over until the moment passed. James called Tim from the side of the road. He needed to talk to someone about the way that he was feeling. Tim and Renee had been married for almost eight months now and all Tim raved about was how happy he was and what a great time he and Renee were having. James knew Tim was not an expert on marriage with only eight months under his belt, but his friend had always spoken the truth to him and that is what James needed right now. Tim was always good for a dose of reality that sometimes didn't taste great and was always hard to swallow.

  Tim answered after the second ring, "What's up my good friend? How goes it on the east coast? Another late night minding the store?"

  James felt relieved just to hear his friend's voice.

  "Yup, another evening of slinging salami and dishing desserts" he replied with a smile that could be heard through the phone.

  James' part time job was far from glamorous but it helped pay the bills. He worked evenings (and sometimes late into the night) at one of the local twenty-four hour supermarkets in town. He worked the deli counter that was a far cry from the days of meats and cheeses behind glass. The "deli" counter that James helped man was stocked with hot and cold prepared foods, desserts, salads, seafood and of course an excessive selection of lunchmeats and cheeses. James and a team of three or four other people were stationed behind the seemingly endless varieties of foods, each serving the customers needs as their ticket numbers were called.

  "Ah, yes. The slung salami. I'm sure you are a hit with all the ladies" Tim joked.

  "And they love my American cheese too," James added.

  "What has you calling me at such a late hour deli man?" Tim questioned.

  "I just needed to hear you say that everything is going to be okay. I think I am having a little bout of cold feet if you will" James replied.

  "That is to be expected Jimmy-my-boy. No man is ever fully prepared to suddenly be a husband. Marriage is a full time job, much more than slicing meats and scooping macaroni salad. You have every right to feel a little nervous about the whole idea. You wouldn't be a man if you didn't suddenly have doubts. Shit, I bet Sheila sitting at home thinking the same thing, except she really needs to reconsider. But you, you can't do any better" Tim laughed heartily at his own joke.

  "Very funny Griz. She'd never find better than me" James responded in kind.

  "Yeah, if that helps you sleep at night. Listen. Are you still sure Sheila is the one for you? And do you want her to be your wife for the rest of your life?" Tim asked.

  "Of course," James started to say. "Good. Then it is settled. Stop questioning the what ifs. If you spend all of your time doing that, then you are going to miss the good stuff."

  James thought about it for a moment; he tried to let the words that Tim was saying sink in.

  "James, you are a great guy and Sheila should be honored to have a dumb-ass like yourself marrying her. Hell, I'd marry you if Renee wasn't so friggin' hot!" Tim exclaimed.

  James laughed at that and suddenly felt at ease.

  "Seriously Matheson, you have a wonderful girl that is going to be your wife. She loves you to the ends of the earth, God only knows why, but really, you guys are going to be just fine. You work through it together and if you continue on like that, nothing can stop you."

  James knew why he had called Tim in the first place, "Thanks Griz, you always know how to talk me down."

  Tim chuckled, "No problemo senor, that is what I am here for" and with that both friends laughed at Tim's pathetic Mexican accent.

  "When is your flight again Griz?"

  "We fly in around eight pm the day after next. You better have that bed made for us, I ain't sleeping on that freakin' futon bed again" Tim said.

  "What's wrong with that futon? I love that thing."

  "Then you sleep on it. I hate that bed more than I hate your cooking, and you are a really bad cook."

  James was a horrible cook; he once made flank steak that tasted like hot dogs. Sheila was sweet; she ate all of her helping and smiled the whole time. It had been James' dad, who was over for dinner that night, who pointed out the awful meal.

  "Alright, if you insist. I will have the chambermaid turn down the bed in the guest suite for you" James joked.

  "You start talking like that and Sheila will have your head" Tim responded quickly, "and you headless at the church will not be a pretty sight."

  "No, I guess it wouldn't," James replied, "well, I will let you go Griz. Thanks for the talk. I really appreciate it."

  "No problem man. That is what I am here for."

  ****

  James sat impatiently through the evening traffic as he mentally prepared for the news he was about to receive from the neurologist. James had a bad feeling about his diagnosis. He had been experiencing head aches for at least six months and they had grown continually worse over the last couple of weeks. He had initially blamed the pain on work; stress has to be the culprit he thought. But the head aches worsened over time and even the heaviest medications prescribed didn't touch the
pain. When James' family doctor recommended a cat scan and further neurological evaluations, he knew there could be something seriously wrong with him. James' attitude towards life and his well-being had changed over the last couple of months and he felt he had little to be upbeat about. His physical condition compounded with his already fragile mental state only made life that much less tolerable most days. He had suffered a lot of loss and sorrow over the last year; the pain was taking its toll. James' father had suffered a stroke earlier in the year, at the age of fifty-five, and it had left him debilitated to the point of needing constant medical care. He also lost an uncle last fall who had committed suicide due to a long time battle with depression. The man had been very close to James his entire life. This had made James very aware of his family's medical history and his personal outlook wasn't very positive. His mother had died of cancer and her mother before her had passed away from the same tragic disease. James' father had suffered his stroke and was battling an early onset of Alzheimer's. James' paternal grandfather had also suffered from Alzheimer's at an early age and had died sad, confused and mentally alone.

  James watched the surge of cars around him and wondered about his life and where it was going. He had experienced more than his share of grief in his life and he tried desperately to find the happy times intertwined with the sorrow. He smiled at the thought of his children. They had added such happiness to his sad existence and he truly wanted the best for them and wished he could give them more then he already did. James regretted many things he had done in the past and when he thought of his girls it just made the guilt stronger. He wanted to be a better man. James wanted to be all that they needed him to be and he already felt like he had failed them. He had failed his wife and he had failed his daughters. That was something that weighed heavily on his mind. They needed more from him and he knew that it was already too late for him to change the things that he had done.

  Turning the radio up, he tried to drown out the thoughts running through his head. It had become a mental obsession for James to replay his indiscretions in life and internally beat himself up about all of his wrong doings. It was very unhealthy, he knew that, but he couldn't find a release from those tormenting thoughts.

  A song came on the radio that made James recall a moment in his life when he was truly happy.

  "…she's got my nose, she's got her mama's eyes. My brand new baby girl, she's a miracle. I saw God today…"

  The words that George Strait sang touched James' wounded heart and brought a faint smile to his face.

  ****

  The weather had just started to change from winter to spring. The air was warmer and the ground was slowly thawing under the warm sun. Always with the change of seasons came the "honey-do" list. James' list of household chores had grown with their new arrival on the way. James had been working late hours in the nursery and spending most his free weekends preparing the house for a baby. He was in the final stretch of his student teaching and had a really good lead for an open science teaching position with the local high school. James had been teaching during the days and still working nights at the market, so his stress level was exceedingly high as Sheila's due date came closer.

  It was late afternoon on a cool, dry Saturday when Sheila screamed for him to come as quickly as he could. James had been in the basement of their small colonial house on Baker Street, when he slammed his head into the low-hanging heater pipes trying to get out of the cellar. He bounded up the stairs, two at a time, rubbing his throbbing forehead and yelling for Sheila; asking if she was okay. A cold sweat had broken out over his entire body and he imagined the worst as he rounded the top of the steps and headed for the closed bedroom door.

  Stopping short of barreling down the door, James stood panting at the threshold waiting for his wife's response to his inquiries.

  Sheila very calmly answered him in a soft tone that made James ponder her urgency just moments ago.

  "James?" she asked almost as if she didn't think it was him on the other side of the door.

  "Sheila. Are you okay? Is everything alright honey?" he asked as he tried to calm his suddenly fraying nerves.

  "Everything is fine sweetie, but I think we need to go to the hospital."

  James' heart sank, Sheila was due any day now, and they had both been waiting anxiously for something to happen.

  They had attended the classes and they had packed the bag in preparation, but when faced with the real thing, James' knees went weak and he rested his weary head against the closed door.

  "James, did you hear me sweetie?" she asked politely.

  "Are you sure everything is okay? Is something wrong Sheila, is the baby okay?"

  His thoughts were automatically on the worst again and he couldn't help worrying about his wife and their first child.

  "James," she said gently "everything is fine. I think my water just broke and I am having contractions so, I think that means we should probably go the hospital now."

  James knew she was just trying to remain calm so that he would not lose his head but her attempts at soothing him failed and he started to panic.

  "Are you sure your water broke? Are you sure everything is okay? What do we need to do Sheila? What do I need…" he stammered, but she cut him off quickly.

  "James," she said a little more firmly "everything is fine honey. Me and the baby are okay. I am having contractions James, and we need to go to the hospital. I need you to get the bag from the closet and make sure you have your wallet and cell phone. Can you do that sweetie?"

  His mind was racing and her soft tone was growing sterner as she spoke.

  "James, I need you to get it together and help me out here. I am going to need a new pair of panties and some sweat pants. Please get them for me. Grab the bag and let's go."

  James focused all of his attention on what she requested of him and tried not to worry too much about anything else.

  The two of them had been married for a little over a year now. The news of a baby had come quite unexpectedly but both of them were excited by the thought of bringing a little one into their life. So far, married life had been treating them very well. James was student teaching now, and a semester away from graduating. Sheila had landing a very cushy job with a local law office and she was the best damn legal aide that James knew of. She had cut back her hours at the office, and James had picked up more at the store. He was running ragged most days, but it was what needed to happen in preparation for the baby.

  They had found the house they were living in, from a friend of Sheila's. The girl's grandmother had passed away suddenly and the family needed to sell the house quickly to cover medical and funeral costs. James and Sheila fell in love with the small house as soon as they both saw it. It was small, there was no denying that but they filled that little house with love, and when the baby finally arrived, the house would be over-flowing with love. They had converted the second bedroom into the nursery, and with only two bedrooms in the house, when Tim and Renee came to stay; it was the futon again for them.

  The two couples had remained close and visited as often as possible. James had taken some time during the winter break and they had flown out to California. Their visits were always so pleasant and enjoyable. No "keeping-up-with-the-Jones'" for either couple, just friends sharing good times with laughter and love. Tim and Renee hadn't given much thought to kids, they had discussed it, but both were content with having each other in their lives; they thought a child would be change what they had. Both Tim and Renee were very excited for the arrival of James' and Sheila little one, and pulled no punches about spoiling the little bundle of joy before it was even born. It hadn't been a week since they were home from their visit on the West Coast, and a package arrived addressed to the parents to be. Tim and Renee had sent a care package for the baby; it included the bedding they had registered for, multiple unisex outfits (complete with matching booties and hats), diapers, creams, burp clothes and bl
ankies. The note enclosed was addressed to Sheila specifically. It read.

  Sheila, here are some things both Renee and I decided you might need for that beautiful new baby, whenever it decides to join us. Please tell James, I hope it does not look like him. Love, Tim and Renee.

  That is the way it had always been with them; very giving of themselves and never expectant in return. Sheila had cried over the cute little clothes and from that point forward, shifted all focus on baby preparations.

  James had spent the next couple of months striping wall-paper and painting the nursery.

  "The ceiling fan needs to be replaced and I think the windows need re-caulked too" Sheila had said, just giving James more work to do.

  He spent many late nights painting bleary eyed after long days at school and then the store in the evenings. When it was all said and done, the nursery looked great and they felt that they were going to be as ready as they ever were for this baby.

  They reached the hospital in one piece. James was frantic; he was a jumbled wreck of frayed nerves and worried thoughts. Sheila had stayed calm and made him help her focus on breathing through the contractions and focus on the road. They were sent immediately to labor and delivery upon arrival. The staff was warm and welcoming, and very calm. James could not understand why no one was rushing to get his baby out. Sheila was still breathing through her contractions while the nursing staff slowly prepped her and got her situated in a delivery suite. James couldn't stand still, he tried to help Sheila feel comfortable but it was at that point, during one of her contractions, that she told him to leave her alone, that he was bothering her. James didn't take offense to the insult, and only wanted the delivery team to get in there and get the baby.

  One of the nurses that tended to Sheila's needs that day was a large, dark-skinned nurse with a loud voice and beautiful smile.