Mike and Psmith

  4

  STAKING OUT A CLAIM

  Psmith, in the matter of decorating a study and preparing tea in it, wasrather a critic than an executant. He was full of ideas, but hepreferred to allow Mike to carry them out. It was he who suggested thatthe wooden bar which ran across the window was unnecessary, but it wasMike who wrenched it from its place. Similarly, it was Mike whoabstracted the key from the door of the next study, though the ideawas Psmith's.

  "Privacy," said Psmith, as he watched Mike light the gas ring, "is whatwe chiefly need in this age of publicity. If you leave a study doorunlocked in these strenuous times, the first thing you know is, somebodycomes right in, sits down, and begins to talk about himself. I thinkwith a little care we ought to be able to make this room quite decentlycomfortable. That putrid calendar must come down, though. Do you thinkyou could make a long arm, and haul it off the parent tintack? Thanks.We make progress. We make progress."

  "We shall jolly well make it out of the window," said Mike, spooning uptea from a paperbag with a postcard, "if a sort of young Hackenschmidtturns up and claims the study. What are you going to do about it?"

  "Don't let us worry about it. I have a presentiment that he will be aninsignificant-looking little weed. How are you getting on with theevening meal?"

  "Just ready. What would you give to be at Eton now? I'd give somethingto be at Wrykyn."

  "These school reports," said Psmith sympathetically, "are the verydickens. Many a bright young lad has been soured by them. Hello, what'sthis, I wonder."

  A heavy body had plunged against the door, evidently without a suspicionthat there would be any resistance. A rattling of the handle followed,and a voice outside said, "Dash the door!"

  "Hackenschmidt!" said Mike.

  "The weed," said Psmith. "You couldn't make a long arm, could you, andturn the key? We had better give this merchant audience. Remind me laterto go on with my remarks on school reports. I had several bright thingsto say on the subject."

  Mike unlocked the door, and flung it open. Framed in the entrance was asmallish, freckled boy, wearing a pork-pie hat and carrying a bag. Onhis face was an expression of mingled wrath and astonishment.

  Psmith rose courteously from his chair, and moved forward with slowstateliness to do the honors.

  "What the dickens," inquired the newcomer, "are you doing here?"

  "We were having a little tea," said Psmith, "to restore our tissuesafter our journey. Come in and join us. We keep open house, we Psmiths.Let me introduce you to Comrade Jackson. A stout fellow. Homely inappearance, perhaps, but one of us. I am Psmith. Your own name willdoubtless come up in the course of general chitchat over the teacups."

  "My name's Spiller, and this is my study."

  Psmith leaned against the mantelpiece, put up his eyeglass, andharangued Spiller in a philosophical vein.

  "Of all sad words of tongue or pen," said he, "the saddest are these:'It might have been.' Too late! That is the bitter cry. If you had tornyourself from the bosom of the Spiller family by an earlier train, allmight have been well. But no. Your father held your hand and saidhuskily, 'Edwin, don't leave us!' Your mother clung to you weeping, andsaid, 'Edwin, stay!' Your sisters--"

  "I want to know what--"

  "Your sisters froze on to your knees like little octopuses (or octopi),and screamed, 'Don't go, Edwin!' And so," said Psmith, deeply affectedby his recital, "you stayed on till the later train; and, on arrival,you find strange faces in the familiar room, a people that know notSpiller." Psmith went to the table, and cheered himself with a sip oftea. Spiller's sad case had moved him greatly.

  The victim of Fate seemed in no way consoled.

  "It's beastly cheek, that's what I call it. Are you new chaps?"

  "The very latest thing," said Psmith.

  "Well, it's beastly cheek."

  Mike's outlook on life was of the solid, practical order. He wentstraight to the root of the matter.

  "What are you going to do about it?" he asked.

  Spiller evaded the question.

  "It's beastly cheek," he repeated. "You can't go about the place baggingstudies."

  "But we do," said Psmith. "In this life, Comrade Spiller, we must beprepared for every emergency. We must distinguish between the unusualand the impossible. It is unusual for people to go about the placebagging studies, so you have rashly ordered your life on the assumptionthat it is impossible. Error! Ah, Spiller, Spiller, let this be alesson to you."

  "Look here, I tell you what it--"

  "I was in a car with a man once. I said to him: 'What would happen ifyou trod on that pedal thing instead of that other pedal thing?' Hesaid, 'I couldn't. One's the foot brake, and the other's theaccelerator.' 'But suppose you did?' I said. 'I wouldn't,' he said. 'Nowwe'll let her rip.' So he stamped on the accelerator. Only it turned outto be the foot brake after all, and we stopped dead, and skidded into aditch. The advice I give to every young man starting life is: 'Neverconfuse the unusual and the impossible.' Take the present case. If youhad only realized the possibility of somebody someday collaring yourstudy, you might have thought out dozens of sound schemes for dealingwith the matter. As it is, you are unprepared. The thing comes on you asa surprise. The cry goes round: 'Spiller has been taken unawares. Hecannot cope with the situation.'"

  "Can't I! I'll--"

  "What _are_ you going to do about it?" said Mike.

  "All I know is, I'm going to have it. It was Simpson's last term, andSimpson's left, and I'm next on the house list, so, of course, it'smy study."

  "But what steps," said Psmith, "are you going to take? Spiller, the manof Logic, we know. But what of Spiller, the Man of Action? How do youintend to set about it? Force is useless. I was saying to ComradeJackson before you came in, that I didn't mind betting you were aninsignificant-looking little weed. And you _are_ aninsignificant-looking little weed."

  "We'll see what Outwood says about it."

  "Not an unsound scheme. By no means a scaly project. Comrade Jackson andmyself were about to interview him upon another point. We may as wellall go together."

  The trio made their way to the Presence, Spiller pink and determined,Mike sullen, Psmith particularly debonair. He hummed lightly as hewalked, and now and then pointed out to Spiller objects of interest bythe wayside.

  Mr. Outwood received them with the motherly warmth which was evidentlythe leading characteristic of his normal manner.

  "Ah, Spiller," he said. "And Smith, and Jackson. I am glad to see youhave already made friends."

  "Spiller's, sir," said Psmith, laying a hand patronizingly on thestudy-claimer's shoulder--a proceeding violently resented bySpiller--"is a character one cannot help but respect. His nature expandsbefore one like some beautiful flower."

  Mr. Outwood received this eulogy with rather a startled expression, andgazed at the object of the tribute in a surprised way.

  "Er--quite so, Smith, quite so," he said at last. "I like to see boys inmy house friendly toward one another."

  "There is no vice in Spiller," pursued Psmith earnestly. "His heart isthe heart of a little child."

  "Please, sir," burst out this paragon of all the virtues, "I--"

  "But it was not entirely with regard to Spiller that I wished to speakto you, sir, if you were not too busy."

  "Not at all, Smith, not at all. Is there anything ..."

  "Please, sir--" began Spiller

  "I understand, sir," said Psmith, "that there is an ArchaeologicalSociety in the school."

  Mr. Outwood's eyes sparkled behind their pince-nez. It was adisappointment to him that so few boys seemed to wish to belong to hischosen band. Cricket and football, games that left him cold, appeared tobe the main interest in their lives. It was but rarely that he couldinduce new boys to join. His colleague, Mr. Downing, who presided overthe School Fire Brigade, never had any difficulty in finding support.Boys came readily at his call. Mr. Outwood pondered wistfully on this attimes, not knowing that the Fire Brigade owed its support to the factthat it prov
ided its lighthearted members with perfectly unparalleledopportunities for ragging, while his own band, though small, was, in themain, earnest.

  "Yes, Smith," he said, "Yes. We have a small Archaeological Society.I--er--in a measure look after it. Perhaps you would care to becomea member?"

  "Please, sir--" said Spiller.

  "One moment, Spiller. Do you want to join, Smith?"

  "Intensely, sir. Archaeology fascinates me. A grand pursuit, sir."

  "Undoubtedly, Smith. I am very pleased, very pleased indeed. I will putdown your name at once."

  "And Jackson's, sir."

  "Jackson, too!" Mr. Outwood beamed. "I am delighted. Most delighted.This is capital. This enthusiasm is most capital."

  "Spiller, sir," said Psmith sadly, "I have been unable to induce tojoin."

  "Oh, he is one of our oldest members."

  "Ah," said Psmith, tolerantly, "that accounts for it."

  "Please, sir--" said Spiller.

  "One moment, Spiller. We shall have the first outing of the term onSaturday. We intend to inspect the Roman Camp at Embury Hill, two milesfrom the school."

  "We shall be there, sir."

  "Capital!"

  "Please, sir--" said Spiller.

  "One moment, Spiller," said Psmith. "There is just one other matter, ifyou could spare the time, sir."

  "Certainly, Smith. What is that?"

  "Would there be any objection to Jackson and myself taking Simpson's oldstudy?"

  "By all means, Smith. A very good idea."

  "Yes, sir. It would give us a place where we could work quietly in theevenings."

  "Quite so. Quite so."

  "Thank you very much, sir. We will move our things in."

  "Thank you very much, sir," said Mike.

  "Please, sir," shouted Spiller, "aren't I to have it? I'm next on thelist, sir. I come next after Simpson. Can't I have it?"

  "I'm afraid I have already promised it to Smith, Spiller. You shouldhave spoken before."

  "But sir--"

  Psmith eyed the speaker pityingly.

  "This tendency to delay, Spiller," he said, "is your besetting fault.Correct it, Edwin. Fight against it."

  He turned to Mr. Outwood.

  "We should, of course, sir, always be glad to see Spiller in our study.He would always find a cheery welcome waiting there for him. There is noformality between ourselves and Spiller."

  "Quite so. An excellent arrangement, Smith. I like this spirit ofcomradeship in my house. Then you will be with us on Saturday?"

  "On Saturday, sir."

  "All this sort of thing, Spiller," said Psmith, as they closed the door,"is very, very trying for a man of culture. Look us up in our study oneof these afternoons."