Mike and Psmith

  5

  GUERRILLA WARFARE

  "There are few pleasures," said Psmith, as he resumed his favoriteposition against the mantelpiece and surveyed the commandeered studywith the pride of a householder, "keener to the reflective mind thansitting under one's own rooftree. This place would have been wasted onSpiller; he would not have appreciated it properly."

  Mike was finishing his tea. "You're a jolly useful chap to have by youin a crisis, Smith," he said with approval. "We ought to have known eachother before."

  "The loss was mine," said Psmith courteously. "We will now, with yourpermission, face the future for a while. I suppose you realize that weare now to a certain extent up against it. Spiller's hot Spanish bloodis not going to sit tight and do nothing under a blow like this."

  "What can he do? Outwood's given us the study."

  "What would you have done if somebody had bagged your study?"

  "Made it jolly hot for them!"

  "So will Comrade Spiller. I take it that he will collect a gang and makean offensive movement against us directly he can. To all appearances weare in a fairly tight place. It all depends on how big Comrade Spiller'sgang will be. I don't like rows, but I'm prepared to take on areasonable number of assailants in defense of the home."

  Mike intimated that he was with him on the point. "The difficulty is,though," he said, "about when we leave this room. I mean, we're allright while we stick here, but we can't stay all night."

  "That's just what I was about to point out when you put it with suchadmirable clearness. Here we are in a stronghold; they can only get atus through the door, and we can lock that."

  "And jam a chair against it."

  "_And_, as you rightly remark, jam a chair against it. But what of thenightfall? What of the time when we retire to our dormitory?"

  "Or dormitories. I say, if we're in separate rooms we shall be in thecart."

  Psmith eyed Mike with approval. "He thinks of everything! You're theman, Comrade Jackson, to conduct an affair of this kind--such foresight!such resource! We must see to this at once; if they put us in differentrooms we're done--we shall be destroyed singly in the watches ofthe night."

  "We'd better nip down to the matron right off."

  "Not the matron--Comrade Outwood is the man. We are as sons to him;there is nothing he can deny us. I'm afraid we are quite spoiling hisafternoon by these interruptions, but we must rout him out once more."

  As they got up, the door handle rattled again, and this time therefollowed a knocking.

  "This must be an emissary of Comrade Spiller's," said Psmith. "Let usparley with the man."

  Mike unlocked the door. A light-haired youth with a cheerful, rathervacant face and a receding chin strolled into the room, and stoodgiggling with his hands in his pockets.

  "I just came up to have a look at you," he explained.

  "If you move a little to the left," said Psmith, "you will catch thelight-and-shade effects on Jackson's face better."

  The newcomer giggled with renewed vigor. "Are you the chap with theeyeglass who jaws all the time?"

  "I _do_ wear an eyeglass," said Psmith; "as to the rest of thedescription--"

  "My name's Jellicoe."

  "Mine is Psmith--P-s-m-i-t-h--one of the Shropshire Psmiths. The objecton the skyline is Comrade Jackson."

  "Old Spiller," giggled Jellicoe, "is cursing you like anythingdownstairs. You _are_ chaps! Do you mean to say you simply bagged hisstudy? He's making no end of a row about it."

  "Spiller's fiery nature is a byword," said Psmith.

  "What's he going to do?" asked Mike, in his practical way.

  "He's going to get the chaps to turn you out."

  "As I suspected," sighed Psmith, as one mourning over the frailty ofhuman nature. "About how many horny-handed assistants should you saythat he would be likely to bring? Will you, for instance, join theglad throng?"

  "Me? No fear! I think Spiller's an ass."

  "There's nothing like a common thought for binding people together. _I_think Spiller's an ass."

  "How many _will_ there be, then?" asked Mike.

  "He might get about half a dozen, not more, because most of the chapsdon't see why they should sweat themselves just because Spiller's studyhas been bagged."

  "Sturdy common sense," said Psmith approvingly, "seems to be the chiefvirtue of the Sedleigh character."

  "We shall be able to tackle a crowd like that," said Mike. "The onlything is we must get into the same dormitory."

  "This is where Comrade Jellicoe's knowledge of the local geography willcome in useful. Do you happen to know of any snug little room, with,say, about four beds in it? How many dormitories are there?"

  "Five--there's one with three beds in it, only it belongs to threechaps."

  "I believe in the equal distribution of property. We will go to ComradeOutwood and stake out another claim."

  Mr. Outwood received them even more beamingly than before. "Yes, Smith?"he said.

  "We must apologize for disturbing you, sir--"

  "Not at all, Smith, not at all! I like the boys in my house to come tome when they wish for my advice or help."

  "We were wondering, sir, if you would have any objection to Jackson,Jellicoe and myself sharing the dormitory with the three beds in it. Avery warm friendship ..." explained Psmith, patting the gurglingJellicoe kindly on the shoulder, "has sprung up between Jackson,Jellicoe and myself."

  "You make friends easily, Smith. I like to see it--I like to see it."

  "And we can have the room, sir?"

  "Certainly--certainly! Tell the matron as you go down."

  "And now," said Psmith, as they returned to the study, "we may say thatwe are in a fairly winning position. A vote of thanks to ComradeJellicoe for his valuable assistance."

  "You _are_ a chap!" said Jellicoe.

  The handle began to revolve again.

  "That door," said Psmith, "is getting a perfect incubus! It cuts intoone's leisure cruelly."

  This time it was a small boy. "They told me to come up and tell you tocome down," he said.

  Psmith looked at him searchingly through his eyeglass.

  "Who?"

  "The senior day room chaps."

  "Spiller?"

  "Spiller and Robinson and Stone, and some other chaps."

  "They want us to speak to them?"

  "They told me to come up and tell you to come down."

  "Go and give Comrade Spiller our compliments and say that we can't comedown, but shall be delighted to see him up here. Things," he said, asthe messenger departed, "are beginning to move. Better leave the dooropen, I think; it will save trouble. Ah, come in, Comrade Spiller, whatcan we do for you?"

  Spiller advanced into the study; the others waited outside, crowding inthe doorway.

  "Look here," said Spiller, "are you going to clear out of here or not?"

  "After Mr. Outwood's kindly thought in giving us the room? You suggest ablack and ungrateful action, Comrade Spiller."

  "You'll get it hot, if you don't."

  "We'll risk it," said Mike.

  Jellicoe giggled in the background; the drama in the atmosphere appealedto him. His was a simple and appreciative mind.

  "Come on, you chaps," cried Spiller suddenly.

  There was an inward rush on the enemy's part, but Mike had beenwatching. He grabbed Spiller by the shoulders and ran him back againstthe advancing crowd. For a moment the doorway was blocked, then theweight and impetus of Mike and Spiller prevailed, the enemy gave back,and Mike, stepping into the room again, slammed the door and locked it.

  "A neat piece of work," said Psmith approvingly, adjusting his tie atthe looking glass. "The preliminaries may now be considered over, thefirst shot has been fired. The dogs of war are now loose."

  A heavy body crashed against the door.

  "They'll have it down," said Jellicoe.

  "We must act, Comrade Jackson! Might I trouble you just to turn that keyquietly, and the handle, and then to stand by for
the next attack."

  There was a scrambling of feet in the passage outside, and then arepetition of the onslaught on the door. This time, however, the door,instead of resisting, swung open, and the human battering ram staggeredthrough into the study. Mike, turning after relocking the door, was justin time to see Psmith, with a display of energy of which one would nothave believed him capable, grip the invader scientifically by an armand a leg.

  Mike jumped to help, but it was needless; the captive was already on thewindowsill. As Mike arrived, Psmith dropped him onto theflowerbed below.

  Psmith closed the window gently and turned to Jellicoe. "Who was ourguest?" he asked, dusting the knees of his trousers where they hadpressed against the wall.

  "Robinson. I say, you _are_ a chap!"

  "Robinson, was it? Well, we are always glad to see Comrade Robinson,always. I wonder if anybody else is thinking of calling?"

  Apparently frontal attack had been abandoned. Whisperings could be heardin the corridor.

  Somebody hammered on the door.

  "Yes?" called Psmith patiently.

  "You'd better come out, you know; you'll only get it hotter if youdon't."

  "Leave us, Spiller; we would be alone."

  A bell rang in the distance.

  "Tea," said Jellicoe; "we shall have to go now."

  "They won't do anything till after tea, I shouldn't think," said Mike."There's no harm in going out."

  The passage was empty when they opened the door; the call to food wasevidently a thing not to be treated lightly by the enemy.

  In the dining room the beleaguered garrison were the object of generalattention. Everybody turned to look at them as they came in. It wasplain that the study episode had been a topic of conversation. Spiller'sface was crimson, and Robinson's coat sleeve still bore traces ofgarden mold.

  Mike felt rather conscious of the eyes, but Psmith was in his element.His demeanor throughout the meal was that of some whimsical monarchcondescending for a freak to revel with his humble subjects.

  Toward the end of the meal Psmith scribbled a note and passed it toMike. It read: "Directly this is over, nip upstairs as quickly asyou can."

  Mike followed the advice; they were first out of the room. When they hadbeen in the study a few moments, Jellicoe knocked at the door. "Luckyyou two cut away so quick," he said. "They were going to try and get youinto the senior day room and scrag you there."

  "This," said Psmith, leaning against the mantelpiece, "is exciting, butit can't go on. We have got for our sins to be in this place for a wholeterm, and if we are going to do the Hunted Fawn business all the time,life in the true sense of the word will become an impossibility. Mynerves are so delicately attuned that the strain would simply reducethem to hash. We are not prepared to carry on a long campaign--the thingmust be settled at once."

  "Shall we go down to the senior day room, and have it out?" said Mike.

  "No, we will play the fixture on our own ground. I think we may take itas tolerably certain that Comrade Spiller and his hired ruffians willtry to corner us in the dormitory tonight. Well, of course, we couldfake up some sort of barricade for the door, but then we should have allthe trouble over again tomorrow and the day after that. Personally Idon't propose to be chivied about indefinitely like this, so I proposethat we let them come into the dormitory, and see what happens. Is thismeeting with me?"

  "I think that's sound," said Mike. "We needn't drag Jellicoe into it."

  "As a matter of fact--if you don't mind ..." began that man of peace.

  "Quite right," said Psmith; "this is not Comrade Jellicoe's scene atall; he has got to spend the term in the senior day room, whereas wehave our little wooden _chalet_ to retire to in times of stress. ComradeJellicoe must stand out of the game altogether. We shall be glad of hismoral support, but otherwise, _ne pas_. And now, as there won't beanything doing till bedtime, I think I'll collar this table and writehome and tell my people that all is well with their Rupert."