Captured Words and Deeds

  “Hey uh, Julia? It’s Crystal, and we just got a really strange visitor. Julia, when you get this, don’t call, just come over. Unless it’s really late you know, otherwise, Phil really needs you. Thanks, and we’ll, uh, see you soon, okay?”

  Julia changed JJ’s diaper, the toddler squirming on Phil’s sofa. “Hey you, knock it off.”

  JJ Gideon, the spitting image of Phil’s baby pictures, just laughed at her Aunt Julia.

  “She knows what I’m telling her,” Julia sighed as Phil approached. “She knows she’s being a turd.”

  “I know she does. Don’t you baby?” He sat near JJ, who lay on the couch. No plastic covers graced the furniture, only a thin pad under the toddler’s bottom. Julia affixed the tapes, then stood the laughing girl on her feet. “There. Now go piss on your daddy.”

  JJ bounced and laughed and Julia couldn’t help herself. Instead of handing the baby to Phil, she brought JJ to her chest. Having fallen in love with Phil’s daughter, Julia wondered if the next one, due in August, would hit her the same. JJ had landed with a thud on both Liz and Diane’s doorsteps; Julia’s sisters were now pregnant too. By the time Phil and Crystal’s next baby arrived, Julia would be an aunt to her own flesh and blood.

  Joanna Julia had been christened as such, but almost from the moment Helen cuddled her great-granddaughter, JJ had emerged, Phil, Crystal, and Julia unable to call her anything else. Sometimes Lee or Edie called her Joanna, or just Jo, but there had been only one Joanna Gideon, and JJ seemed a better fit for the feisty, petite toddler. She looked just like her father, with Phil’s wide green eyes, but JJ took after her mother when it came to size. She liked to eat, walked with no trouble, but was a tiny thing. Julia wondered if all of Phil and Crystal’s kids would possess emerald irises and peculiarly small feet and hands, but not only due to a baby’s normal features. Julia occasionally saw Abraham Winston, and he was a porker.

  “Here, give her to Daddy.” Phil reached over and Julia reluctantly acquiesced. JJ almost seemed sad, what Julia noted, until Phil’s daughter began squealing in laughter.

  “No fair, you’re tickling her,” Julia complained.

  “She loves me more than you.”

  “Ha! You’re cheating.”

  Phil smiled, but he never repeated what Chuck had said, that Julia should have her own baby. Chuck had mentioned that over Christmas, when Liz and Diane were spreading their good news. Liz and her boyfriend Adam were due in May, Diane and her husband Wayne right before JJ turned one. Then a month later the next Gideon would arrive, and as Crystal waddled into the room, Julia laughed. Crystal seemed even bigger this time, still with months to go.

  “Gonna be a boy, I bet,” Julia said as Crystal eased into the recliner.

  “If it is, I’m having a C-section. She was big enough.”

  Julia laughed as Phil set JJ on the floor. She walked to her mother, but Crystal wouldn’t lift her. “You’re a moose,” she said, moving JJ’s thin brown hairs to the side.

  JJ lifted her arms, but Phil stood, setting his daughter into what remained of Crystal’s lap.

  The baby snuggled, then began to root. “No way kiddo. Phil, get her some juice.”

  Julia took her namesake. “Is it hard, I mean, to refuse her?”

  Crystal sighed. “Sometimes. That’s the only downer about having them close together. I’d love to nurse her, but…”

  “Could you, I mean?” Julia had no knowledge about this endeavor, and wasn’t sure she wanted to know as much as she was asking.

  “I could, but my doctor and pediatrician wouldn’t be pleased. La Leche League says it’s all right, but I’m exhausted as it is.”

  Julia still preferred her childless state, one niece and three more infants on the way plenty to soothe her longings. Then there was Abraham…

  “So, you see Ray lately?” Phil returned with a sippee cup. He shook it JJ’s way and she wiggled in her auntie’s arms. Julia set her down and she joined Phil on the sofa.

  Staring at Phil and his child, Julia was near tears. Crystal and JJ were a mother-daughter tandem that Julia found fascinating, the way Crystal had breastfed while doing a million other tasks, or was quietly seated as if the whole world consisted of only two. But when Phil cradled his daughter, Julia wanted to be a father. Phil made it look so easy, and she recalled Helen’s words about Stan. Daniel Reese had been a terrific surrogate dad for Phil, but what would Stan have been like?

  “What?” she asked, lost in the way Phil brushed JJ’s soft brown hairs from her temples. He loved touching her along her head and Julia blinked away tears, taking a seat on the sofa.

  “Hey, I’m sorry, didn’t mean to hit a nerve.”

  She looked at Phil. “What? I didn’t hear you.”

  Crystal stood, sitting next to Julia. “It’s okay you know, it really is.”

  “What, I, uh…”

  Phil’s shrug showed only questions about Ray, but somehow Crystal knew Julia’s mind.

  “Phil, go lay her down, maybe she’ll take a nap,” Crystal said.

  “What’d I miss?”

  “Phil…”

  “All right. Come on baby. The big girls are just being poopy.”

  After Phil had stepped into the hall, Julia turned to Crystal. “How do you know?”

  “I have no idea. I barely know my name these days.”

  “It’s Mama,” Julia smiled, wiping her eyes.

  “Yeah, why I’m so clueless.” She tapped the side of her head. “Nothing left up here. Don’t have kids Julia. You think it’s hard trying to write that novel now?”

  Only Crystal could tease, Julia always with a smile. “Liz says she’s can’t think, can’t work. Thank God Adam can support them, at least until she’s got some brain cells back.”

  “Julia, he’s okay now. Or at least he’s better.” Crystal giggled, then caressed her belly. “This one, jeez, he talks to it, sings to it, stuff he never did with JJ. Good thing she’ll never know, oh man she’d be pissed!”

  “Is he still writing music?” Julia cleared her throat, wishing to change the subject from babies.

  “Yeah, but he won’t talk about recording. Helen’s been bugging him about it though.”

  “Good. She’s been bugging me too.”

  Julia could talk about her nonexistent writing, easier than thinking of… She swallowed. “Does he talk about, you know…”

  “Sometimes. Helen brings over baby pictures, and jeez, JJ looks just like Phil, I mean, their eyes. Even in the black and white ones, it’s like you can see those eyes. So green, so, so…”

  Julia nodded. “So much of what might’ve been.”

  The news was still new, sort of frightening, and nothing Phil could speak of, but something of which Julia felt she might be able to write about, but to broach that now was unthinkable. Still, January’s bombshell had silenced the Floridians; Julia hadn’t heard a peep out of either Arthur or Claire, which still surprised her. She was certain that once it became common knowledge, Arthur and Claire would demand Laura’s case to be reexamined. But somehow the reality of a murder actually committed had cooled their usual fury. That Phil’s dad hadn’t killed himself was still settling in all their heads two months later. But it had altered one situation, and Julia sighed. “Crystal, I need to tell you and Phil something.”

  “Ray wants to come home doesn’t he?”

  Julia nodded. “I just, shit!” Then she sighed.

  “It’s okay. The baby can’t hear you.”

  “No, I mean, I’m sorry baby.” She stroked Crystal’s belly. “God, are you sure it’s not twins?”

  Crystal laughed. “Yeah, but it feels like it. If this kid goes full term, I am not having a vaginal birth.”

  “Maybe you can have it by osmosis.”

  “Maybe Phil will have the next one.”

  They laughed as he returned. Then Julia stood, clasping his hands. She had always been tactile with him, but since early January, it had increased. On January first, Phil and Crystal le
arned they were having another baby. Three days later, they met a woman who blew their world away.

  “So, Ray wants to come back.” Julia leaned against Phil, who faced Crystal, all three sitting on the sofa.

  “And…” Phil said.

  “And, well, oh my God.” Julia closed her eyes. Ray’s desire to return was as unbelievable as when Hilary Jerrold approached Phil, or what Julia imagined. She hadn’t been here when that woman knocked on the door; Julia had heard the initial, implausible news second-hand. Yet when she met the granddaughter of Stan’s manager, Julia realized it was true, even though she hadn’t seen Larry Jerrold’s deathbed video confession, hadn’t watched her father coolly examine the thirty-five-year-old police notes, hadn’t done more than listen to ancient facts being dispelled. The facts had never been in dispute; Stan Gideon’s fingerprints were on the gun, the placement of the barrel right along his temple. A closed case, no questions asked. Since the fourth of January, only queries remained.

  But not the sort to cause endless speculation in the physical, just rhetorical, the worst kind. What sort of father would Stan have been? How might his career have continued? How many children would he and Jo-Jo have had? Then, the truly difficult ones that Helen only posed to Julia; would Joanna still be alive? Would Helen be living in Columbus with Daniel, who might not have ignored his cancer? So many loopholes were loosened by one man’s desire to die with a clear conscience.

  “I just told Ray that I didn’t know.” Julia was grateful for Phil’s arms around her shoulders. “I mean, for one thing, it’d be breaking up a family. How am I supposed to do that?” Then she swallowed, as Phil’s grip tightened. “I’m sorry, Christ!”

  “No, it’s okay.” Phil kissed the back of her head. “It’s the truth, it happens.”

  Julia wiped her face, feeling Crystal’s warm palms along her legs. “I, oh God! What am I supposed to do?”

  She still loved Ray Winston, that wasn’t the question. The question wasn’t even was it right for Julia to take back an unfaithful lover, severing Ray’s permanence with his girlfriend and their son. The question was a plethora of reflections like a hall of mirrors for Julia, for Phil, for Helen, Lee, Liz, and Diane too. Not so much for Crystal, who admitted her simple view, about all her sapped brain could afford. Crystal had said that it was over in 1959, thirty-five years in the past. No matter how Stan had died, the events were unchanged. Whether Larry Jerrold had killed Phil’s dad or Stan had done it himself, now it was 1995. If one man’s mind had been eased at the last moments of his life, well, at least Larry Jerrold could pass from this world with some small peace.

  The rest had a harder time sorting what was from what could have been. Only Chuck was silent, once he offered a retired cop’s perspective. That Stan’s prints on the gun had been smudged was a clear sign of something afoot, but those prints had been enough for the attending law enforcement to waive minor discrepancies. The shot had been delivered right along Stan’s head; waiting to exact retribution, Larry Jerrold had waited for Stan after that final concert, after Stan spoke to Jo-Jo. If Stan wouldn’t sell the rights to his songs, Larry would just kill him.

  Hindsight offered a clearer view, which had made Phil break down, Helen too. If Crystal hadn’t been pregnant, Julia wasn’t sure if either Phil or his grandmother would have recovered so quickly. It wasn’t just for Stan who they belatedly mourned, but those also rocked by his death, and JJ had filled a hole for Helen, stirring life back into Phil. Lives had been permanently altered by one man’s spite, deaths occurring in piecemeal; Stan immediately, Jo-Jo twelve years later, Daniel only recently. Helen was certain that if Joanna had been alive, her father wouldn’t have sidestepped his failing health.

  “Julia, do you still love him?” Phil’s voice was marred by tears.

  “It’s not just about me.”

  “Julia…”

  “I am not gonna be some,” she winced. “Home-wrecker.”

  “Baby, it’s not the same thing.”

  “Yes it is! If Ray and Aurora split up, I do not wanna be a part of it, I do not want…”

  She nearly said that blood on my hands, but from the way Phil trembled and the dark sadness on Crystal’s face, Julia just shook her head. Then she stood. “God, this’s ridiculous. I wasn’t gonna let this happen, shit!”

  “Honey, don’t get this spun up with Dad.”

  Phil now called his father Dad instead of Stan, and Julia began to cry. “Phil, my God! I, I…”

  They hadn’t spoken of this in more than hushed whispers, as if bringing it into the open might unearth more than just memories. Maybe Stan would appear; maybe he, Daniel, and Jo-Jo were waiting right outside the door, a trio lost to time. If Julia squinted hard enough, her own mother stood alongside them, a quartet of those loved and lost due to carelessness, or truthfully, good old American know-how; Larry Jerrold had murdered Phil’s dad, then wiggled his way out of it. Nearly all of Phil’s life had been tarnished, but Julia wouldn’t do that to little Abraham Winston.

  Well, he wasn’t that little, he was huge actually. He could beat the crap out of JJ if babies were set against each other, and Julia began to laugh. “This’s insane. I am not taking him back and that’s final.”

  “He’s gonna leave her anyways,” Phil said, clearing his throat.

  “Oh and how would you know that?”

  “I saw him recently. He asked about you. And yeah,” Phil smiled. “His son is huge.”

  She had mentioned that in passing a few months back, when Ray first started bringing this up with her. Julia had spent several years with one man who fucked around, but when he left her in 1992, she had said that was it. And Julia had meant it. She had never planned to even consider Ray’s return, especially once he told her about his baby, which had seemed small for only seconds, as now Abraham was about the size of two JJ’s, about the size of Julia’s heartache. She still loved Ray, but it wasn’t just about him, as she gazed at a man not raised by his father. Julia would not be a party to that happening to not-so-small Abraham Winston.

  “Julia, if they’re gonna break up, then it’s a moot point where Ray lives. It won’t be with his son, no matter what.”

  “Crystal, I just can’t do that!”

  “Do you still love him?”

  Julia glared at Phil. “What fucking difference does it make?”

  “If you love him, and I know he loves you…”

  “He cheated on me Phil, multiple times! What sort of love is that?”

  “Honey, life’s short. Think about it, okay?”

  He grasped her hands. His had been held for only brief moments by a man cut down early, but not by Stan himself. Phil had lost much peace by a confession, but for the first time Julia felt what Phil had earned; Stan hadn’t left him on purpose.

  Yet Phil’s serenity was hard to take. “Phil,” she mumbled, “how can I interfere? It’s not my place!”

  “Sometimes we don’t get a choice, sometimes it’s just thrust upon us.”

  “But I don’t want it, I don’t want him, I never wanted to be a mother!”

  “Be a father then.” Crystal’s voice was almost inaudible.

  “What?” Julia said.

  “Abraham’s already got a mother. He can just have two daddies. You do live in San Francisco.”

  “Oh Jesus!” Julia sighed.

  “Sure, why not? Move with the times Penn.”

  Julia stared at Phil, then wiped her face. “You’re both crazy, you know that?”

  “Life’s crazy Julia, I know that.” Phil kissed her cheek. “Nothing makes any sense, or not very much does. But the best things are the simplest things.” He sat next to his wife, running his hands along their baby. “Right now, this is all I know. If I try to think about anything else, I get a headache.”

  “Should I leave you two to do some laundry?” Julia clucked.

  “Actually Phil, there’s a load in there, go start it.” Crystal giggled, pushing him away. “I’ll walk Julia out.”

/>   “Oh God no. I’ll see myself out, thank you very much.”

  Julia had reached the door when Crystal grabbed her arm. “Come on, I need a short walk.”

  Phil had disappeared as the women left the house.

  Crystal only went as far as the stairs. “You can see yourself to your car.” She peered over the side; Julia’s vehicle was parked right behind Crystal’s ancient Beetle. “Too much waddling back up the steps.”

  “It’ll only get worse,” Julia laughed.

  “No kidding. I’m already starting to hunker down. Phil does all the shopping. All I’ll go down those steps for are doctor’s appointments and when this kid decides to pop.”

  “What, you hosting the baby showers?”

  Crystal nodded. “Already got the dates on the calendar.”

  Julia set her hands along a swollen belly. “God, you know, Liz can’t wait, Diane either. I’m so glad they’re finally knocked up. Takes the heat offa me.”

  “Julia, you’d be a great father.”

  “Stop saying that!”

  “It’s true. You’re so good with JJ, I’ve seen it since she was born. I know motherhood scares the crap outta you, and that’s okay. You need time to write anyways.”

  As if Crystal had poked her arm, Julia ran her hand over the imaginary wound. “Hey, that hurts.”

  “Not as much as childbirth.”

  “Ha ha. You’re as close as I wanna get.”

  “Then be Abraham’s daddy. God knows he could use another.”

  “Crystal…”

  “Don’t Crystal me. Listen. Ray came over here two weeks ago…”

  “He what?”

  “Don’t blame Phil, Ray made us swear not to tell you. And yeah, his kid’s a moose. It was fun to watch JJ with another toddler, she was running rings around him all over the deck. Makes me glad we’re having another, glad for your sisters.” Crystal smiled, then stared at Julia. “All Ray did was talk about you. He does love you, man, the regret in his eyes, like Phil’s.”

  “Phil’s?”

  “Since he learned about Stan, all Phil can think about is what if? Well, that’s not all he thinks about, and it’s not even about having his dad close. It’s the music Julia, Phil can’t help thinking what Stan might’ve done, could’ve accomplished. That’s why he wants to make another record. You want the truth? If we hadn’t learned all that about his dad, Phil might’ve been content to never record another album. We don’t need the money, it’s not about that at all, which is a huge blessing, believe me. But I don’t want a househusband, I want him to get off his butt and do what he loves. And yeah, part of it’s changing diapers, jeez, we’re gonna have more pissy bottoms than we’ll know what to do with.” Crystal laughed, then sat down in a deck chair.

  “Phil’s gonna be waiting for you,” Julia smiled.

  “He can wait. And he will,” she giggled. “But not forever and not with the music. Now it’s like he’s been freed, and we didn’t even realize he was in jail. Or maybe he chalked it up to Sunshine.” Crystal said that name without rancor or hesitation. “But really, all this time it’s been Phil. That first album was so, oh man.”

  “Lousy.”

  “You’re kind,” Crystal smiled. “It wasn’t him, that guy on the bridge was right. Phil Gideon had every reason to wanna jump off the Golden Gate.”

  Julia sighed, then sat next to Crystal. As she did, she saw Phil pacing in the living room. “He’s waiting.”

  Crystal turned, then waved. “He won’t lose it before I get back in there.”

  “Oh my God!”

  “He won’t,” Crystal laughed. “Good thing it’s a girl.”

  “You’re having another girl?”

  “Bet you a hundred bucks. Lucky for him I’m horny all the time, just like I was with JJ.”

  Julia tapped her foot. Then she stood. “Look, he’s gonna jerk off if you don’t get back in there. I’ll talk to you guys in a day or so.”

  “Julia, wait.”

  Julia stood at the gate as Crystal eased herself from the chair. “Don’t deny yourself just because you think you shouldn’t be happy.”

  Crystal’s hand was warm on Julia’s face, reaching toward Julia’s temple. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Don’t do what Phil’s done all this time. I mean, maybe he had no choice, falling in love with Sunshine, but with the music, he’s been a masochist for years. But don’t tell him I said it like that.”

  “Uh, right, sure.” Julia stared toward the house, saw Phil sitting on the sofa, reading a magazine. “He’s waiting for you.”

  “And Helen’s waiting for you to write that book. And Ray’s waiting for you to just give him the word. One word Julia, that’s all it’ll take.”

  “Crystal, I don’t even have half a syllable.”

  Julia’s face was streaked with tears, but Crystal didn’t move them away. Instead she took Julia’s hand, placing it where a baby waited. “All you need is the nod of your head.”

  Chapter 12