Captured Words and Deeds

  “Hey Phil, Crystal, just, uh, wanted to tell you again congratulations. And that, uh, Ray sends his too. I saw him today, he, uh, came by the apartment. I was, uh, trying to work. Yeah, ask Grandma, she’ll vouch for me. But Ray fucked that all up. He, uh, had some news. Guess what? Ray’s pregnant. And it’s not my baby.”

  “Hey, oh honey! Shit, I’m, well, sorry. Julia, call me okay?”

  “Hey Phil. I’m, uh, okay. Eating a peach pie, gonna be as big as Crystal by the time this’s all over. He, uh, said he’s been wanting to tell me, I mean, this isn’t anything new. Well, I mean, that he knocked somebody up is different. But, yeah, he said she’s due in June, right before you guys. I said maybe you all could have a double baby shower. He didn’t like that, but I laughed. Then I cried. Phil, oh Jesus!” Small sobs. “So yeah, he’s, uh, gonna be a dad and you’re gonna be a dad. Phil, you really are and that’s so fucking fantastic. Sorry Crystal. That’s really great you know, I’m so happy for you both.” Deep weeping, then Julia blew her nose. “Yeah, I mean, I’m really like so happy! Might not sound that way, but I am. Hey, uh, Crystal, anyone else like to stalk the bridge, you know, any cute guys? Maybe I’ll go out there, see what I can find.”

  “Hey Julia? Julia you there? Uh, pick up honey. Julia?”

  “Hey Phil, it’s okay. I did go out there, all I saw were tons of tourists. This big group of French people, oui, oui, oui all over the place! Wee wee wee all the way home, I felt like the little piggy who just bawled her eyes out. I think they thought I was thinking about jumping, not sure any of them would’ve lifted a finger. Hey, you notice I’m not swearing so much? I mean, for Crystal, but also for little Phil Junior. Don’t want anything absorbed by either of you two.”

  “Hey Julia, listen, we’re having creamed tuna on toast. Crystal loves it, says the tuna is great protein, especially on whole grain bread. You wanna come over for dinner?”

  “Hey Phil, hey Crystal, hey baby tunahead. I’m, uh, sorta busy tonight. No, I’m not going bridge hopping. Just, uh, writing. Yeah, I’m writing. Don’t tell anyone. Well, you can tell Grandma, then she’ll stop pestering me. But yeah, just me and the typewriter. And the white-out. I think I need more white-out.”

  “Hi Julia, it’s me, Crystal. Listen, I know usually Phil makes these calls, but he wants to ask you something, but he’s too chicken to get on the phone. Yes you are being a chicken,” Crystal said with one hand over the receiver. “Well, if you’re not gonna ask her, then I am. Well yes Phil, because I’m already six months along and if you aren’t gonna do it, one of us needs to.” A throat is cleared. “So Julia, when you get this message, if you’d give me a call, there’s something Phil’s too chicken to ask you. Thanks, bye.”

  Julia had found that while she and Phil were somewhat direct when it came to phone messages, Crystal appreciated more mystery. Julia felt compelled to drive to Berkeley, a good excuse to not write, also a way to not note the enormity and stillness of her apartment.

  Lee was hosting a baby shower in late May, by which time Crystal would be seven months, the baby due in mid-July. Ray’s baby was due in early June, but Julia wasn’t expecting to buy a gift for that infant. If she saw Ray between now and then, she might plant a foot up his backside, all she felt able to render.

  In Berkeley, Julia split her time between two households, either at Helen’s or Phil’s, which now contained a slightly decorated nursery, or the few items that Phil could tolerate. Crystal’s pregnancy had been without incident, but Phil had wanted to wait until the last minute with details, and Julia hadn’t blamed him. The rest of their families were more hopeful, but every time Julia saw Phil, she sensed his reluctance to believe. It did seem too good to be true, but if anyone was due, it was Phil.

  That’s what she told him as he let her inside. Crystal was taking a shower. She liked evening baths, Phil said, easier for her to fall asleep.

  “Maybe you should try it too,” Julia said.

  “Sometimes I join her.”

  “And then you’re both ready to fall into bed,” Julia giggled. “Just don’t ask me to step into your laundry room.”

  “Ha ha.” Phil sat on the sofa as Julia gazed at books on the same coffee table from the LA house. They had bought a new sofa, recliner, and kitchen table, but why did he still have this clunky coffee table?

  The books weren’t ones Sunshine had enjoyed; Crystal liked non-fiction, and not just about babies. She read thick tomes concerning civil rights, world events, a few Jesus books that made Julia smile. Crystal wanted the baby baptized at her church, and Julia cringed. Was Phil going to ask her to be a godmother?

  She hadn’t considered that, then she felt queasy. She didn’t want children, why Ray had screwed around, something Julia had allowed in the past, but he had always returned to her. Now she wouldn’t take him back, even if he begged. If Phil pressed, Julia would remain resolute. She felt incapable of being any more than Phil’s best friend, her parents’ eldest child. She certainly didn’t feel akin to Laura Riley; all of Julia’s attempts at fiction had fallen flat, but she hadn’t told anyone, not even Phil. If she couldn’t write a novel, how in the hell did he expect her to be a godmother?

  “So what’s up? Time’s wasting Gideon. What, Axl Rose call you, want you to join the band?”

  Phil laughed. “No, God, I haven’t heard from Axl since…” He nodded. “Not since I tried to jump.”

  Julia shivered. He could laugh about it, maybe because the woman who talked him out of it stood in their bathroom. Crystal was probably naked, but no longer so small. Her boobs were huge, her petite five foot two inches now attempting to balance a basketball in the center of her body. Everyone had wondered how she was going to show, and it hadn’t taken long. By the time that kid was born, Julia thought, all Crystal was going to be was one big uterus.

  “Phil, what’s up?”

  “Crystal wants me to wait until she gets out.”

  “Because basically whatever it is, you can’t tell me.”

  “Julia…”

  “Don’t ask me to be a godparent, okay?”

  He looked surprised. “Oh, uh, no, that’s not it.”

  “Oh. Really?”

  He smiled. “Do you wanna be a godmother Julia?”

  “No, I don’t.” She squirmed. “So who is?”

  He laughed at her, then stood. “Actually, we’re not sure yet. Crystal wants Rodney, you know, they’re pretty close.” Phil walked to the hallway. “Hey honey, Julia’s here!”

  “Okay, be right out!”

  Julia smiled; Crystal’s voice was chirpy in this airy space. The living room led to the loft, where the couple’s bedroom was situated, along with their bathroom. Was that stick still encased in plastic? Not like Arthur and Claire’s sofa, and Julia sighed. She had spoken to her grandmother last week. They had asked about Phil, in a roundabout manner. They never asked if she was going to have kids, maybe they knew. They had ruined that for her, and if they ever did have the balls to inquire, she would tell them so. No way would she ever subject a baby to Claire and Arthur Riley. No way would Julia subject a baby to herself either.

  Phil paced, and Julia smiled. He would be like this in another few months, then she wondered about Ray; what sort of father would he make? Probably not so bad, better than Arthur Riley. Anyone would be better than Arthur, yet the best dad Julia knew wasn’t even her own. Chuck was grumpy and uptight, but Daniel Reese had been the best father/grandfather combination, and Julia wished he was standing with Phil, telling him all the things a father needed to share. Then she felt like crying; what about Stan?

  “Okay, I’m out. Hey Julia.” Crystal wore a robe, and Julia laughed.

  “My God but you get bigger every time I see you.” As the women embraced, Julia could feel the baby’s movements.

  “Everyone says that, even my mother,” Crystal smiled. “So, did Phil spill the beans yet?”

  “No, are you kidding?” Julia stared at him.

  He sat down, Crystal beside him
. Phil had been slow to grasp the material elements of impending fatherhood, but when it came to his wife, he was all over her. Julia chuckled as he nuzzled into Crystal, making a joke about laundry. Crystal giggled, then she grew quiet.

  “So what you two?” Julia couldn’t read anything from Phil’s nervous face, and Crystal looked the same.

  “Julia, we wanted to ask you two things,” Crystal started.

  “She wanted to know if we were gonna ask her to be a godparent,” Phil said. “She’s says she doesn’t want that.”

  “Oh,” Crystal said. “Well, actually I was thinking about it, but sure, I mean, it’s okay. No biggie.”

  “It’s just that I have no aptitude for that sort of thing.”

  “No sure, I understand.” Crystal looked around the room. “Well, will you be with us when the baby’s born?”

  Julia gasped, then stared at Phil. “Are you shitting me?”

  Crystal laughed as Phil nodded. “No, we’re not. Need someone to take pictures.”

  “What, and give a full written summary too? I thought Edie was gonna be with you.”

  Crystal giggled. “Actually I don’t really want Mom there. She wouldn’t be able to take it, I mean, a natural birth and all.”

  “She wouldn’t?”

  “Well, not the me screaming my head off part of it.”

  “Oh, well, uh, what makes you think I can take it?”

  “You don’t wanna be there, do you?” Phil said.

  Julia wished it was only her and Phil. “Well, to tell you the truth…”

  “Okay, well, will you at least wait outside, I mean, we’d like to see you right afterwards.”

  “Crystal, why?”

  “Oh jeez, you two! Man, how in the world have you stayed friends this long? Because Julia, Phil loves you and I do too and after my parents and Helen, we want you to meet the baby. We wouldn’t be naming her after you if we didn’t.”

  “What?”

  “Crystal, uh, she doesn’t know about that yet.”

  “Phil, that’s the part you were supposed to tell her!”

  “Crystal, Phil, are you guys kidding me?”

  “Uh, Julia, uh…”

  “Joanna Julia, if it’s a girl,” Crystal said. “I mean, Jo-Jo’s first, then you.”

  Julia took deep breaths. “Oh my God, are you fucking serious?”

  Phil laughed. “Yeah, she’s serious. I mean, we both are.”

  “It was my idea though,” Crystal said.

  Julia smiled at Phil. “Her idea huh? And what am I Phil, chopped liver?”

  “Creamed tuna on toast, actually.”

  “Great. Thanks Gideon.”

  “My pleasure Penn.”

  “So, will you, I mean, wait in the lobby?” Crystal asked.

  Julia caught her breath. “Yeah sure, oh man, I’d love to wait in the lobby.”

  “Even if it’s late, I mean, my mother says she’ll wait unless it’s like the middle of the night. Which is fine, I mean, Mom’s Mom, that’s probably as good as I’ll get with her.”

  “Even if it’s the middle of the night, sure, you bet. What about Grandma?”

  “Grandma says if it’s after ten, she’ll meet Junior the next day. But you’ll be there Julia?”

  She stood, looking at a house still new to her eyes. Soon it wouldn’t even look this tidy. A small creature would wreak havoc, an infant that Julia didn’t wish to see enter the world, but as soon as that task had occurred… “Yeah, I’ll wait in the lobby all night long.”

  On the eighth of June, Julia learned that Ray had become a father to a little boy named Abraham. Julia grimaced at the news and name with equal vigor, then spent much of that evening writing in her journal. Ray Winston was still an asshole, but Julia had higher hopes for his biblically named offspring.

  No one knew what Phil and Crystal were having, not even the expectant couple. Julia knew if it was a girl they were going to call her Joanna, but not Jo-Jo. Helen knew too, and when they got together they spoke of it with smiles. Helen also knew the middle name, referring to her great-grandchild as JJ. Julia liked that, but accepted the more stately Joanna would be the baby’s moniker.

  Phil hadn’t said what they might name a boy, and Julia didn’t want to ask. Daniel or Stan would only make her cry, and she hoped it was going to be a girl, or that Phil wouldn’t pick something from the Bible, or at least not the Old Testament. Crystal was more a New Testament sort of gal, but they were keeping mum, and Julia didn’t get nosy.

  On the Fourth of July all gathered at Julia’s place, from where they could see the fireworks. Helen declined, but the rest ate pizza and Thai food, then watched explosions in the sky. Julia was held by Phil, who mentioned he had run into Ray the week before. Ray had asked about Julia, looked exhausted, and seemed leery of what he had acquired. Julia laughed at it all, thought he got what he deserved. Then she grew quiet. “What?” Phil asked.

  She gazed at Crystal on the sofa, Lee beside her. Julia’s mother was appropriating Phil’s wife, just as Helen had adopted Julia. None of Lee and Chuck’s daughters was keen on motherhood and Julia hoped Lee didn’t take it as a slight, only that they were career women. Liz was an engineer in Silicon Valley while Diane worked at a hair salon in downtown San Jose, both having moved from their Oakland home base. Only Julia lived in the north, and that was across the bay from their parents. But Crystal and Phil were just a hop skip and a jump, as Chuck liked to say. Phil was becoming a father, but Julia’s parents were earning the grandchild.

  “Phil, look at Mom. If she saw Ray with his kid, she’s probably sidle up to him too.”

  Phil laughed. “Julia…”

  “No, I mean, none of us girls seem to want babies. Does that mean something?”

  “Only that you’re nineties women. You have careers, a life.” He laughed. “Not that I do, but…”

  “I don’t have a life or a career. Hey Phil, you’re just like me.”

  “Ha ha.” He tickled her. “Actually…”

  “What?” She looked at him. “Are you working?”

  “I’ve, uh, got almost a whole album’s worth of music written.”

  She hit his arm. “You asshole! Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Didn’t wanna pressure you.”

  “Oh.”

  “See? I’m not that big of a butthead.”

  “Jerk,” she said, slapping him again.

  “What?” Liz said, coming their way.

  “Phil’s a…” Julia stopped. “A really nice guy, aren’t you Phil?”

  “What’d he do now?” Crystal called from the sofa.

  “Nothing,” Julia said, kissing his cheek. “Nothing at all.”

  Julia found it hard to write, expecting Phil to call at any moment about the baby, who had gone three days past the due date. Now in the middle-end of July, Julia was nearly out of her head. She allowed that Crystal and Phil were probably also beyond waiting, but she would only permit that couple to be more frantic than she was.

  On Monday, July nineteenth, Julia received a call from Phil, one she actually answered. “Hello?”

  “Hey Julia, guess what? Crystal’s water broke. We’re heading for the hospital right now.”

  “Oh shit, are you serious?”

  “Yup. Will you pick up Grandma?”

  Julia nodded, then realized she needed to speak. “Yeah sure Phil. I’ll meet you there.”

  Julia and Helen arrived, finding Crystal in a great deal of agony. The idea of a natural birth was still considered, but some form of pain alleviation had also been deliberated. Crystal was only dilated to four centimeters then. By the time she reached six, drugs had been administered.

  That was at eight o’clock in the evening. By nine, Helen asked for a cab to be called. By then Crystal was at seven out of ten centimeters, the worst still to come.

  Lee and Chuck took Helen home, then were followed out the door by Edie and Tom, Louis and Cramer. Crystal’s brother Rodney remained until midnight, at
which time the future godfather announced that while he loved his niece or nephew, he was beat, and would see them in the morning.

  That left Julia, who would stay to the bitter end, she told Phil. Phil had laughed, and Julia asked if he too had been slipped something to ease the tension.

  “Nothing more than a whole lot of Pepsi,” he grinned. “Julia, you know what?”

  “What?” she asked, standing right outside Crystal’s door.

  Phil squeezed her hands. “No matter what, we made it this far. Even if something happens…”

  “Phil, nothing’s gonna happen except a baby squirting outta her vagina.”

  “But even if something happens, it’ll be okay.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yup.”

  “And how do you know that?”

  “Phil!”

  Julia giggled. “You better get in there or you’ll miss it.”

  He smiled, then kissed her. Then he slipped behind the door as Julia heard hefty grunts and a few expletives, but none were from Phil’s mouth.

  Julia grew drowsy, the clock reading two, then two thirty. She stood and stretched, then turned. Phil was coming her way.

  “Well?” She ran to meet him. He was clad in a green smock and the biggest grin she had ever seen.

  “Come meet your namesake,” he chuckled.

  “Oh Jesus! Is it really a girl?”

  “Just born, I even cut the goddamn cord!”

  “Phil! Get your ass back in there!”

  “No, she wants you too.”

  They headed to Crystal’s room. “What, can’t a nurse be bothered to come tell me?”

  “No, I wanted to. It’s okay. They’re weighing her, putting in stitches.”

  “Is she, I mean, did she…”

  “She tore a little, no biggie. Julia, it was the most amazing thing I ever saw.”

  They reached large basins where Julia washed her hands, Phil too. Then he led her to where they had stood only a few hours earlier. Julia stopped. “Phil, are you okay?”

  “You know when I told you it was gonna be all right?”

  She sighed, scuffing her foot along the floor. “Yeah. You were right. How’d you know?”

  He inhaled, then opened the door. From where she stood, Julia spied a small bundle on Crystal’s chest. The baby seemed muted, as Phil led Julia in the room.

  “Phil,” she whispered, as they crossed the threshold. “How’d you know?”

  “Dad told me. Julia, I heard him. I know it was him.”

  “What?”

  “He sang it to me, I mean, I wouldn’t recognize him by any other voice.” Phil gazed at his wife, who was now being shown how to position their baby for breastfeeding. “Dad told me everything was gonna be okay. And he was right. He was absolutely right. Hey honey, how is it?”

  As Phil turned to watch his wife, Julia gaped at him, then was shaken by Phil’s sharp jerk of her hand. Her first encounter with Joanna Julia Gideon was a peek at a busy mouth surrounding the breast of a tearful mother. Then Julia gazed toward a new father whom she assumed had temporarily lost his mind.

  Chapter 11