Captured Words and Deeds
“Hey Julia, maybe you’re in the shower right now. Listen, when you get here, I need you to tell Phil something for me. I just, I can’t, I mean…” Nervous chuckles. “If you’ve already left, well, when you get home and listen to this, you can just let Ray guess what I needed you to tell Phil. See you soon, bye!”
“Close the door Julia,” Crystal giggled.
In the small upstairs bathroom, Julia did as she was told, then looked at the giddy woman leaning against the sink. “Okay Crystal. What is it?”
Julia could hear everyone downstairs; sound traveled in Phil and Crystal’s house as if certain conversations were meant for specific rooms. From the upstairs bathroom Julia could clearly make out her mother and Phil’s grandmother speaking about mashing potatoes. They were probably right under where Julia stood, watching Crystal fidget with her hair. The potatoes were nearly done, Lee remarked, Helen in agreement. But who would mash them?
Might Liz or Diane? It wasn’t going to be Crystal or Julia, for they were busy. “Crystal, what’d you wanna tell me?”
Phil’s wife turned to Julia, her face somber but beatific. “I’m gonna have Phil’s baby.”
“Oh my God!” Julia trembled, grateful for the wall to support her. “Are you sure?”
Crystal smiled, opening a drawer. She pulled out a Ziploc bag containing a white plastic stick, a visible thin blue line marking the stick. Julia stared at it as if ancient treasure had been unearthed. “I took a test this morning when Phil went to get Helen.”
Julia handled the bag like the test stick was gold. “You haven’t told him yet?”
“I can’t. Will you do it?”
“Me?” Julia snorted, then stared again at the proof. The couple might have married two months after Phil almost jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge, but it had taken far longer for them to consider reproduction. Julia hadn’t even known they were trying. “I can’t tell him, it’s your baby!”
She whispered, fearful that their words might carry as easily as Lee and Helen’s. Liz was going to mash while Diane fixed the gravy. But where were Julia and Crystal, Helen asked.
“I can’t tell him Julia, it means too much. Will you do it?”
Julia’s eyes darted from the stick to Phil’s wife, his pregnant wife. “How long, I mean, when did you guys start, I mean…”
“Two months ago, it’s just been two months. He wanted to tell you, he really did, he just couldn’t say the words.” Crystal laughed. “I thought he was being silly, but now, I can’t either.”
“You’re pregnant.”
“Yeah, that.”
“Jesus Christ.” Julia giggled, again gazing at the stick. She didn’t have a single worry for them; Crystal was the same age as Julia’s sister Liz, both women twenty-eight years old. But it wasn’t only Crystal’s comparative youth; it was Phil’s relative heartache. For two and a half years Phil had known joy, about time, Julia sniffed, her eyes drawn to that solid blue line. Then Julia set her hand along Crystal’s print skirt. Crystal was a belated hippie through and through. It wasn’t just her name or her beatnik parents, Tom and Edie, whom Julia could hear grousing with Chuck about football. It wasn’t just Crystal’s penchant for whole grains or her 1972 VW Beetle covered with bumper stickers. It wasn’t that she didn’t shave her armpits or use deodorant, or that now Phil didn’t use any either. Not that they smelled bad, only that since meeting Crystal along the Golden Gate Bridge Phil smelled differently, more loved. Then Julia laughed. Crystal was into all the expected things a latent hippie would covet, and was one of the most kind and thoughtful persons Julia had ever met. Julia wished Daniel could have known Phil’s wife, a term that had initially troubled Julia, only due to their extremely brief courtship and how it began. But now, two years later, Crystal was Phil’s spouse, and she was pregnant. Julia fought tears as Crystal crossed herself, then looked to the ceiling. Crystal Sullivan Gideon was also the biggest Jesus freak Julia had ever known.
She wore a small gold cross under her shirt, that pendant a gift from Phil. Julia had been with him when he chose it, and he had placed it around Crystal’s neck at their wedding, in addition to setting a band on her finger. Not that Phil had become a convert, only that he acknowledged what his wife held in high esteem. Now his wife held something that would signify to Phil about as much as what Jesus meant to Crystal. “Jesus Christ,” Julia repeated, then she laughed.
“Yeah, been thanking him since I peed on that stick. But Julia, I can’t, I mean, I’ve tried all day and I just can’t get the words out.”
Julia nodded. She had something she needed to tell Phil, but hadn’t been able to do so. Her news wasn’t as startling as Crystal’s, but it was certainly hard to say. “Listen, I’ll tell him, but you need to tell him something for me.”
“Oh sure, oh thanks Julia!” Crystal grabbed her with arms that had plucked Phil from the depths, like she had literally hauled his ass from over the side of the bridge. Julia began to cry partly for that, and some for the baby, Phil’s baby. Then she wept for what was breaking her heart.
Crystal pulled away, wiping her eyes. “Listen, oh wow, thank you so much. I don’t care when you do it, I mean, tonight would be great, maybe after everyone goes home.”
“All but Helen,” Julia whispered.
“Yeah, maybe you can tell them together. I’ll just be hiding, oh jeez, I wanna see his face, but you know…”
Julia laughed. “I remember when I first heard you on the machine. I wanted to see his face then.” Julia sighed, then wiped her cheeks. “I’d love to tell him.”
“Good, oh man, that’s great!” Crystal set the bag in the drawer. “That day, wow, you know I did fall in love with him at first sight, then it was like, oh crap! He’s gonna jump, that asshole.” She giggled. “It was the last place I wanted to be, yet, there he was, and I knew I loved him, and now look at us.” She stared at the bathroom walls, Phil’s gold record hung right over the toilet. “Julia, I never got to tell you thanks, you know.”
Julia squeezed Crystal’s hand. “What do you have to thank me for?”
“For keeping him going and just, well, for everything.”
“I think I need to thank you for that.”
“You know, I didn’t even wanna be there, felt so awful that morning, sort of felt that way this morning.”
Julia smiled, opening the door, hearing her mother call for her. “God, I bet. What, you weren’t pregnant that day too, were you?”
Crystal laughed as Phil came up the stairs, heading their way. “Oh no, just started my period. Can you imagine?” She nodded to Phil, who stared at them.
“You started your period?” His tone was uneasy.
“The day I met you.” Crystal caressed his face. “Why I was so achy,” she giggled.
“Oh yeah, yeah,” he nodded, looking at the floor.
“That’s why we didn’t have sex right off the bat,” she added, then giggled again. Then she kissed her husband. “Oh, uh, Phil, Julia needs to tell me something. We’ll meet you downstairs.”
“Later, I’ll tell you later.” Julia didn’t miss the angst on Phil’s face. “Why don’t I tell Phil something?”
Crystal’s lip trembled and she nodded. “I’ll, uh, go help with dinner.”
“That’s why I was looking for you two. Grandma’s hunting for scalps.”
Julia waved Crystal down the stairs. “Go save yours,” she smiled.
Crystal gave Phil a quick kiss, then slipped down the staircase.
“What’s up?” He looked back as Crystal could be heard talking to her father. Then she spoke to Chuck, finally to Liz and Diane’s boyfriends, but not to Ray. Julia’s other half wasn’t in attendance.
“C’mere Phil, I gotta show you something.” Julia giggled as she led him through the bathroom door.
When Phil came downstairs, he nodded at Julia’s father, to Crystal’s dad too. He gave Edie Sullivan a kiss in the dining room, then swept past Crystal’s three younger brothers, Rodney, Louis, and Cra
mer, who were hiding out in one of the empty bedrooms. This house wasn’t Phil’s original Berkeley digs. Helen lived there now, having moved west after Phil and Crystal’s wedding in August of 1990. Phil now lived in a far larger Berkeley Hills home. He wasn’t sure how long they might live here, but as soon as Julia showed him that stick, then whispered the words, Phil breathed deeply, then allowed that perhaps children’s gear might find its way into this house. Maybe, finally, he inhaled, then exhaled, then kissed Julia full on the mouth.
After that, he acknowledged the rest, then found his wife, who was waiting in the laundry room behind the kitchen. Phil closed that door, then reached for her. Crystal was staring out the window, her view of the shallowest spot of the tiny back yard. The house had a wrap-around deck, which would be about all the play space available. Play space, Phil shuddered, as Crystal turned his way. “Did she tell you?”
He nodded.
“Well?”
He kissed her; she tasted differently than Julia. Julia had been drinking wine, but Crystal tasted like milk and… “Are you sure?”
“Well, I haven’t puked yet, but don’t touch my boobs. Phil, I’m eight days late and …”
He set a finger to her lips. “Just us and Julia, that’s all?”
“That’s all. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you.”
“No, this’s better.” He smiled, then kissed her again. She tasted like milk, maybe cranberries too. “Have you been eating cranberry sauce?”
She giggled. “I snuck a slice. Call it my first craving.”
“Your first craving.” He nodded, then set his hands along her face, but not at her temples. Phil never touched her there. “Your first craving. Crystal, I’m craving you.”
“Oh yeah?”
He nodded, pressing himself into her. “Just wanna make sure we did it.”
“You wanna do it here, now, in the laundry room?”
“You mind?”
“Your grandmother, my mother, and Julia’s mother are just behind that door!”
“I’ll lock it. They’ll wait.”
“Can’t you?”
He shook his head, then kissed her, no longer tasting anything but the most correct woman to enter his life.
“Oh Phil, oh, uh, okay honey, oh Phil…” Her skirt was lifted as she spoke, Phil undoing his zipper. If anyone had the nerve to ask, even Julia, Phil would tell them it was all part of the Thanksgiving process.
The Thanksgiving process was a joke all afternoon; Phil only had to smile at his wife, or at Julia, who had knocked, asking what was going on in there. Phil didn’t assume anyone else would have been so blatant, he also didn’t think their illicit activities had gone unnoticed. But only Julia said something, only she would. She did, but privately, after dessert.
Phil cornered Julia in the laundry room after pie had been served, and she teased. “So what, you want it twice in one day in here?”
He smiled. “Where’s Ray?”
She sighed. “At work.”
“Crystal said you were gonna tell her something, something to tell me.”
“Phil…”
“Julia…”
“All right, I’ll go tell her. Then she can tell you.”
“Why can’t you tell me?”
“Because I’ll cry if I do.”
“Julia…”
She sniffled, then turned away from him. “He’s sleeping with somebody else.”
Phil moved toward her, but she stiffened. “Are you okay?”
“He told me he wants to move out. I said fine, move in with her.”
Phil said nothing, watching how she tapped her foot, but no noise emerged. “Is he gonna?”
She still faced that small window, one that Phil had looked out while making love to his pregnant wife only hours before. That he’d made love to her first thing that morning seemed irrelevant. Phil hadn’t known about their baby then. Only from the middle of the afternoon could his brain conjure that, standing up with Crystal against him, their baby between them. Phil held onto that as Julia finally turned his way. “At this point, I don’t care. If he wants to leave, well then, he probably should. Even if he doesn’t want to.” She smiled. “Better to think about your news today, Daddy.”
“I still gotta tell Grandma.”
“She’s gonna flip.”
He smiled, then caressed Julia’s face. “Yeah, she will. Edie too.”
“Oh God, she’s gonna have a cow!”
Phil laughed. “She might. Julia, will you stick around, you know, can you?”
“Sure, why?”
“Because Crystal’s gonna be hugging her mother and Tom’s gonna be hugging me and Grandma’s gonna need someone to squeeze.”
“Yeah sure.” She giggled, wiping her face. “I’m gonna need someone to squeeze me. But look buster, it ain’t gonna be you.”
He nodded. “Yeah honey, I don’t think it’s gonna be me.”
By the time the news was shared, Julia wanted to just sleep on the sofa, absorbing the happy vibe, but she had offered to drive Helen home, giving the new parents a moment to themselves. Helen and Julia were the last to leave, Edie and Tom sodden, their eldest son Rodney offering to drive. He was twenty-three; all the Sullivan boys still lived at home and none of them sported outlandish names. Tom and Edie were past that phase by the time they had their subsequent children, and Rodney, Louis, and Cramer were in college studying engineering, economics, and computers respectively. While a five-year gap stood between Crystal and Rodney, the boys had arrived two years apart nearly to the day. Crystal said she wanted that closeness between her and Phil’s kids, causing Helen to cry more, Phil to squirm, Julia to grin. Crystal didn’t permit Phil’s past to be more than it was, the past. As Julia turned onto Phil’s old street, she smiled again with Helen’s wistful banter; Daniel would have loved this news and Jo-Jo would have too.
Julia parked in the empty driveway; Helen didn’t own a car. She walked to the corner store, her seventy-seven years livelier now that she wasn’t living in a cold climate. Then Julia sighed. It had been twenty years since Jo-Jo’s death, but Helen was going to see one of Phil’s children. “Well, here we are.” Julia opened her door, but Helen grasped her hand.
“Honey, you have a minute?”
“Sure.”
They walked up the stairs arm in arm. Helen unlocked the door, and the place looked no different to Julia, except that it was cleaner. She never had to assist Helen with the dishes.
Lights were turned on, then Helen adjusted the thermostat. She got a drink of water, offering one to Julia. Julia said no, didn’t want to stay long, although Ray wasn’t going to be at their apartment. Maybe she would linger.
Helen smiled. “Thanks for driving me home. Better for Phil and Crystal to have a minute, you know.”
“My pleasure Grandma.”
Helen laughed. “Honey, you’re a good girl. I’m happy for them, for him.” Helen sighed. “Julia, are you okay?”
“Sure. Fine. Tired.” She nearly said horny, but wasn’t going to explore her life that deeply with Phil’s grandmother.
“Julia, you been writing any?”
“What?”
Helen smiled, then led them to the sofa. Helen’s couch wasn’t covered by any more than an afghan, one Julia had seen in Columbus. Helen’s sofa was new, she hadn’t brought her furniture, no place to put it, she had laughed. But this crocheted throw had made the trip, and Helen set it over her lap. “I’m chilled, just a bit,” she said, tucking it under her thighs. “Once the heater starts up, I’ll be fine.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Julia, I just want you to know, in case you’re wondering, maybe you’re not. But I’m not at all worried for Phil, not this time.”
“I’m not either.”
“Good. I don’t know if he is, but that girl’s faith is enough for me to not think about it.” Helen laughed. “Good lord but she’s an odd one about some things.”
Julia giggled. “At the very least yes.”
br /> “Funny that her parents aren’t like that, but that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. And it won’t take long, don’t worry.” Helen smiled, gripping Julia’s hand. “This isn’t about Phil. This’s about you.”
Julia swallowed, glad she didn’t say you and Ray. There wasn’t much of a Julia and Ray anymore, and if there was, after Phil and Crystal’s news, then there truly wouldn’t be any of a Julia and Ray.
“You been poking at that same notebook since I met you. It’s time now Julia.”
“Time for what?”
“Time to write your novel.”
“Oh Grandma…”
Helen smiled. “Don’t Oh Grandma me. You’ve had plenty of time to bluff your way out of it, and I’ll admit the last few, well, the last several years for Phil have been pretty crappy.”
Julia giggled; only Helen and Crystal wouldn’t have said shitty. Crystal called people assholes, the worst to pass her lips. Helen had probably never called anyone an asshole, but crappy was certainly applicable.
“But now, well, he’s gonna fret some over the next eight months. Did she say when she was due?”
“I think she said next July.”
Helen sighed. “Well, good thing time goes so fast. He won’t be a basket case for too long.”
“Long enough,” Julia smiled.
“Well yes, but that’s all right. Sounds like Crystal wants this baby, then another right away.”
“That’s what she said.”
“Which is good, I mean, good for me,” Helen laughed.
Julia smiled, setting her hand on Helen’s leg covered by the afghan. “You’re not going anywhere, you hear?”
“Well, at least not for another nine months. But that’s about Phil. I have two grandchildren.” Her tone was straightforward. “Julia, you need to get busy.”
“Yeah?”
“Yup. I wanna hold a great-grandchild before I die. And I want to read one of your novels.”
“One huh?” Julia laughed. “What, I’m just gonna pump ’em out like Phil and Crystal’s babies?”
Helen took a deep breath. “No, not like Phil and Crystal’s babies.” Helen reached for Julia’s face. “I never expected great-grandkids from you, that’s not your thing. And Julia, that’s fine. Not everyone’s meant for motherhood. Or fatherhood. Phil is, I’ve always seen that in him, so much like…”
“Daniel,” Julia sighed.
“Well yes, he looks like him. But I was gonna say Stan.”
Julia glanced at the floor.
“He’s a lot like his dad, far more than he’ll ever know, than I could ever tell him, and I don’t just mean the music. Julia, if Stan had lived, if he and Joanna…”
“Helen, please.”
“No, you listen to me. You call me Grandma, so you gotta hear me out. That man, Stan I mean, he loved his son, loved him and my girl and they would’ve had, oh who knows! But I saw it in Phil from the time he was little. Always bringing kids around, like he would’ve been a great big brother.”
Julia nodded.
“And now, well, let them have two or three even, one right after the other. Would give him something to do, make get him back into his music.”
“That’d be good.”
“Yes, it would. Phil’ll start writing songs again and you can write books. Honey, it’s time now. It’s really time.”
Julia nodded, was aware of this truth, but she didn’t like Helen’s words, or Ray’s behavior. She was thrilled for Phil and Crystal, and she stood, walking to the sliding glass door. In summer she came here in the evenings if she didn’t feel like listening to her father’s raspy cough. It was easier to visit Helen, or at least it had been. Now Julia wasn’t sure where she would spend her nights. Not with the parents-to-be, or not until they were able to wait and not do it in the laundry room.
“Julia, if things with Ray are taking a dump then…”
She turned to see Helen’s impassive face. “Did you say taking a dump?”
“Well, I hear it all the time. Sounds better than taking a shit.”
“Oh my God!”
“You can take the girl out of Columbus, and I guess you can put California in her mouth.” Helen smiled. “Don’t worry, I won’t talk like this around my great-grandchild.”
Helen stood. “Just my only granddaughter. A granddaughter that’s not gonna have kids, but honey, you got other things to do. Now, go on, get home. It’s late and I’m pooped. You come by here in a day or two, or sooner, if you like. If I haven’t scared or pissed you off.”
“Pissed me off?”
Helen smiled. “Well, sure. Get with the times Julia. It’s nearly 1993!”
Chapter 10