The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2
LETTER LXVII.
GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL, EXEMPLIFYING COLONEL WOBINSON's DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND NARRATING A GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY.
WASHINGTON, D. C., September 5th, 1862.
Everything is confident and buoyant here, my boy, a sense that thePresident is an honest man, inspiring confidence on every side, andsurrounding the Government with well-known confidence men. The repeatedsafety of the Capital, indeed, has even inspired the genius of NewEngland, as illustrated by a thoughtful Boston chap, with one of thoseenlarged business ideas which will yet enable that section to betradethe whole world. The thoughtful Boston chap has read all the war-news,my boy, for the last six months, and as he happens to be a moralmanufacturer of burglar-proof safes, a happy pecuniary thought struckhim forcibly. After joining the church, to make sure of his moralityhere, he came hither in haste, opened an establishment, read thewar-news once more, and then issued the following enterprising card:
BUY THE CELEBRATED WASHINGTON SAFE!
Everybody thought it was the safe they'd read so much about in thepapers, my boy, and several hundreds were sold.
There was another chap, named Burns, the inventor of a Family andMilitary Gridiron, who noticed how the thoughtful Boston chap wasmaking money by the advertising necessities of our distracted country.Having been born in Connecticut at a very early age, my boy, he was notlong in finding a way to make his own eternal fortune, after the samemeritorious manner. So he at once repaired to a liquor shop, to makesure that a majority of our staff-officers would hear him, and then,says he, in stentorian tones:
"My sympathies are all with the Southern Confederacy, to whom I sendthe weekly journals of romance on the day of publication. As to theUnion," says the Connecticut chap, hotly, "I have less confidence in itthan I have in my Patent Economical Family and Military Gridiron."
He was immediately arrested for this seditious talk, my boy, and allthe reporters telegraphed an exciting dispatch to the reliable morningjournals:
"_Exciting Affair--Arrest of an Influential Rebel!_--The celebrated Mr.Burns has been arrested for publicly saying that he had more confidencein his well-known and ingenious patent Economical Family and MilitaryGridiron than he had in the Union. Upon hearing of his incarceration,the most sanguine rebel sympathizers here admitted that the cause ofthe South was lost forever."
The Connecticut chap remained in custody until he had received fourhundred orders for gridirons, from private families and army-chaplains,and then he explained that the words he had used were uttered in theheat of passion, and he was, of course, honorably discharged fromprison, to make way for a shameless, aged miscreant just committed fortwo years' hard labor, on suspicion of having discouraged enlistmentsby asserting that, although he was too old to go to the war himself, heintended to send a substitute.
Simultaneously, all the reporters telegraphed again to the reliablemorning journals:
"_The Burns Affair Settled!--Full Particulars of the Gridiron!_--Mr.Burns, the celebrated inventor of the famous Patent Gridiron, has beenhonorably discharged by order of the Secretary of War. His inimitableGridiron is destined to have an immense sale.
"It cooks a beafsteak in such a manner that the appetite is fullysatisfied from merely looking at it, and the same steak will do forbreakfast next morning. This is a great saving. Persons having nothingto eat find this Gridiron a great comfort, and hence the propriety ofintroducing it in the army."
The Gridirons are having a great sale, my boy, and it is believed thatthe business interests of the country are being rapidly improved by thewar.
Knowing that the Mackerel Brigade was making preparations to entrap theSouthern Confederacy at Molasses Junction, I ascended to the uppergallery of my architectural steed, Pegasus, on Tuesday, in order that Imight not be unduly hurried on my journey. Taking Accomac on my way tothe battle-field, my boy, I called upon Colonel Wobert Wobinson, who issuperintending preparations for the draft there, and was witness to anincident suitable to be recorded in profane history.
The draft in Accomac, my boy, is positively to take place on the 11thof September; but it is not believed that the enrollment can befinished before the 15th; in which case, the draft must inevitably takeplace on the 20th. In fact, the Judge-Advocate of the Accomac statespositively that the conscription will commence on the 1st of October;and volunteering is so brisk that no draft may be required. At least,such is the report of those best acquainted with the more decisiveplans of the War Department, which thinks of joining the TemperanceSociety.
The exempts were filing their papers of exemption with Colonel WobertWobinson, my boy, and amongst them was one chap with a swelled eye, aderanged neck-tie, and a hat that looked as though it might have beenused as an elephant's foot-bath. The chap came in with a heavy walk,and says he:
"Being a married man, war has no terror for me; but I am obliged toexempt myself from military affairs on account of the cataract in myeyes."
Colonel Wobert Wobinson looked at him sympathizingly, and says he: "Youmight possibly do for a major-general, my son, as it is blindnessprincipally that characterises a majority of our present major-generalsin the field; but fearing that your absence from home might cause aprostration in the liquor business, I will accept your cataract asvalid."
The poor chap sighed until he reached the first hiccup, and then sayshe: "I wish I could cure this here cataract, which causes my eyes toweep in the absence of all woe."
"Do your orbs liquidate so freely?" says the Colonel, with the air of afamily physician.
"Yes," says the poor chap, gloomily, "they are like two continual millstreams."
"Mill streams!" says Colonel Wobinson meditatively, "mill streams! Why,then, you'd better dam your eyes."
"I think, my boy, I say I _think_, that this kindly advice of ColonelWobert Wobinson's must have been misunderstood in some way; for aninstant departure of several piously-inclined recruits took placeprecipitately, and the poor chap chuckled like a fiend.
It is the great misfortune of our mother tongue, my boy, that words ofwidely-different meanings have precisely the same sound, and in usingone you seem to be abusing another.
Arriving near the celebrated Molasses Junction, where a number ofMackerels were placing a number of new cars and locomotives on thetrack--the object being to delude the Southern Confederacy into takinga ride in them, when, it was believed, the aforesaid Confederacy wouldspeedily be destroyed by one of those "frightful accidents" withoutwhich a day on any American railroad would be a perfectanomaly--arriving there, I say, I took an immediate survey of theappointed field of strife.
To the inexperienced civilian eye, my boy, everything appeared to be ina state of chaotic confusion, which nothing but the military genius ofour generals could make much worse. On all sides, my boy, I beheld theMackerel chaps marching and countermarching; falling back, retiring,retreating, and making retrograde movements. Some were looking fortheir regiments; some were insanely looking for their officers, asthough they did not know that the latter have resided permanently inWashington ever since the war commenced; some were making calls onothers, and here and there might be seen squads of Confederates pickingup any little thing they might happen to find.
Finding the general of the Mackerel Brigade lunching upon a bottle andtumbler near me, I saluted him, and says I:
"Tell me, my veteran, how it is that you permit the SouthernConfederacy to meander thus within your lines?"
The general looked toleratingly at me, and says he;
"I have a plan to entrap the Confederacy, and end this doomed rebellionat one stroke. Do you mark that long train of army wagons down therenear my quarters?"
"Yes," says I, nervously.
"Well, then, my nice little boy," says the general, cautiously, "I'lltell you what the plan is. These wagons contain the rations of ourtroops. It is my purpose to induce
the celebrated Confederacy tocapture these wagons and attempt to eat those rations. If theConfederacy will only do that," says the general, fiercely, "it will betaken sick on the spot, and we shall capture it alive."
I could not but feel shocked at this inhuman artifice, my boy. TheSoutherners have indeed acted in away to forfeit all ordinary mercy,but still, we should abstain from any retaliatory act savoring ofdemoniac malignity. Our foes are at least human beings.
Suppressing my horror, however, I assumed a practical aspect, and saysI:
"But how are the Mackerel warriors to subsist, my Napoleon, if youallow the rations to go?"
"Thunder!" says the general, handing me a paper from his pocket. "Theyare to subsist exclusively on the enemy. Just peruse this document,which I have just fulminated."
Taking the paper, I found it to be the following
PROCLAMATION.
Whereas, The matter of provisions is a great expense to the UnitedStates of America, besides offering inducements for unexpected raids onthe part of the famishing foeman; the Mackerel Brigade is herebydirected to live entirely upon the Southern Confederacy, eating himalive wherever found, and partaking of no other food.
The Brigade will not be permitted to take any clothing with it on themarch, being required henceforth to dress exclusively in thehabiliments of captured Confederacies.
We have done with retrograde movements. No more lines of retreat willbe kept open, and henceforth the Mackerel Brigade is to make nothingbut great captures.
By order of THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. [Green Seal.]
This able document, my boy, pleased me greatly as an evidence that thewar had indeed commenced in earnest; and though at that moment, Ibeheld some half a dozen Confederacies ransacking the tent where thegeneral kept his mortgages, his bank account, and other Governmentproperty, I felt that our foes were about to be summarily dealt with atlast.
An orderly having finally given notice to the Confederacies rummagingwithin our lines to get to their proper places, in order that thebattle might begin, the Anatomical Cavalry, under Captain SamyuleSa-mith, made a headlong charge upon a body of foes who were destroyinga bridge near the middle of the field, and succeeded in obliging themto remain there. This brilliant movement was the signal for a generalengagement, and a regiment of Confederacies at once advanced within ourlines and inquired the way to Washington.
Having given them the desired information, and allowed a number ofother similar regiments to take a position between the Mackerels andthe capital, the general gave orders for the Conic Section and theOrange County Howitzers to fall cautiously back, in order that theremaining Confederacies might get between us and Richmond.
You will perceive that by this movement, my boy, we cut the enemy'sforce completely in two, thus compelling him to attack us either in thefront or in the rear, and giving him no choice of any other operationsave flank movements. Our plans being thus perfected, Captain VilliamBrown, with Company 3, Regiment 5, was ordered to charge into a woodnear at hand, with a view to induce some recently-arrived reserveConfederacies to take position in our centre, while still others wouldbe likely to flank us on the right and left.
You may remember, my boy, that it has heretofore been our misfortune tofight on the circumference of a circle, while the Confederacy had theinside, and this great strategic scheme was intended to produce aresult _vice versa_.
It was a great success, my boy--a great success; and our troopspresently found themselves inside the most complete circle on record.Villiam Brown not only charged into the wood, but staid there; and whenone of the Orange County Howitzers was discharged with great precisionat a reporter who was caught sneaking into our lines, the report washeard by the Venerable Gammon at Washington, causing that revered manto telegraph to all the papers, that no one need feel alarmed, as hewas perfectly safe, and that our victory was very complete.
What particular danger the Venerable Gammon had incurred, I can't say,my boy; nor what he knew about the battle; but his dispatch causedrenewed confidence all over the country, and was a great comfort to hisfriends.
Having got the Confederacies just where he wanted them, the General ofthe Mackerel Brigade now dispatched ten veterans under Sergeant O'Paketo attack a few hundred foes who had intrenched themselves in anunseemly manner right among our wagons. The Mackerels were wellreceived as prisoners of war, and paroled on the spot; a proceedingwhich so greatly pleased the idolized general, that he at once issuedthis second
PROCLAMATION.
It must be understood, that in his recent proclamation directing theMackerel Brigade to dine exclusively upon Southern Confederacies, thegeneral commanding did not intend that such dining should take placewithout the free consent of aforesaid Confederacies.
It must not be understood that the order concerning the confiscation ofConfederate garments is intended to authorize a forcible confiscationof such costume, in opposition to the free will of the wearers.
By "no lines of retreat being kept open," is meant: no lines of whichthe general commanding was at that time cognizant.
THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
This admirable order, my boy, produced great enthusiasm in the ranks,as no Confederacies had yet been caught, and there was some danger ofstarvation in the _corps_.
And now, my boy, occurred that magnificent piece of generalship whichis destined to live forever on the annals of fame, and convince theworld that our military leaders possess a genius eminently fittingevery one of them for the next Presidency, or any other peacefuloffice. By skillful manoeuvring, the gifted General of the MackerelBrigade had succeeded in cutting the enemy's force to pieces, thepieces being mixed up with our own army. Then came the words: "Forward,double-quick!"
Facing toward Washington, our vanguard forced the Confederacies beforethem to move right ahead. Swiftly following the vanguard, and evidentlyfancying that it was flying before them, came a regiment ofConfederacies. Pursuing the latter, as though in triumph, appeared theConic Section, Mackerel Brigade; closely succeeded in its turn by aregiment of Confederacies in charge of our baggage-wagons; racing afterwhom was a regiment of Mackerels; and so on to the end of the line.
You may ask me, my boy, with which side rested the victory in thisremarkable movement?
That question, my boy, cannot be decided yet, as the whole processionhas scarcely reached Washington; but the answer may be said to dependvery much upon whether the last regiment coming in is Mackerel orConfederate.
The contest, my boy, has assumed a profound metaphysical aspect, andthe development of a little more military genius on our own side willtend to utterly confound our enemies and--everybody else.
Yours, ponderingly, ORPHEUS C. KERR.