The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2
LETTER LXVIII.
INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS "LAMENT," AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER.
WASHINGTON, D. C., September 9th, 1862.
You may remember, my boy, that some months ago there was a trespass ofdepraved burglarious chaps at Wheatland, the seat of Ex-PresidentBuchanan. The matter might have slipped my own mind, had not theBritish member of the Cosmopolitan, last night, read aloud thefollowing memorandum of the thing, found in a deserted Confederate campon the Rappahannock. The Briton waved his hand for silence, and says he:
LAMENT.
BY A CHEVALIER D'INDUSTRIE
It really seems as if the trick Of this here game, secession, Was bound to bring disgrace upon Each wirtuous profession.
The days of chivalry are gone, When gentlemen wos plucky, And sooner'd starve than lower themselves To make their swag and lucky.
Why, when I wos a little prig, And took the junior branches, We all looked down upon the chap That traveled vulgar ranches.
It wos beneath a gentleman To stoop to vulgar stealin's; And when I see how things is changed, It really hurts my feelin's.
We had some dignity, you see, And upper circles knew it; For if a thing wos wicious mean, We wos too proud to do it!
The crib that wos respectable Among the higher classes, We cracked in style, like gentlemen. And took the spoons and glasses.
But when a crib wos something low-- An author's, or a preacher's-- We had too much of self-respect To recognize the creatures.
If taking watches wos the lay, Or handkerchers, or purses, We never noticed wulgar nobs, Nor wictims of rewerses.
But things is changed since Johnny died, And our profession's fallen So werry low, it really ain't A gentlemanly callin'.
There's some as once wos gentlemen When cracksmen's art was balmy, Now shame us all by fig'ring as Contractors for the army!
What wonder, when our former pal, A vulgar, sneakin' knave is, They hang our pictures in a row With Floyd, and Cobb, and Davis?
But just as if this wa'n't enough To make us hide our faces, A man we once look'd up to, all, Must add to our disgraces;
A base, degenerate, shameless cove Has sullied our profession, By stoopin' to a lay that is Depraved beyond expression.
He's activally come and went-- The werry thought's unmannin'-- He's activally gone and robbed Ex-President Buchanan!
Alas! my boy, there is naught so fallen in humanity, but it may becomestill more depraved. I have known members of State Legislatures to befinally elected Congressmen. After the above _chanson_ had been read,the Spanish member gave us his story of
DON BOBADIL BANCO;
OR, WHO OWNS THE BABY?
"I always respect a man who drinks good Port, especially if hefrequently invites me to take dinner with him, and hence I haveselected as my hero, a gallant Spaniard, whose fondness for thedelicious juice was never doubted.
"Don Bobadil Banco was a gentleman of good family, who graduated withhonor at Salamanca, and retired from thence to Madrid, in company witha fellow student named Don Philip Funesca. The erudite pair hiredlodgings in an aristocratic part of the city, and after much delay,installed one Dame Margy as their housekeeper, cook, and chambermaid,being resolved to husband their scanty resources until, by coming ofage, they could inherit the estates and fortunes of their fathers.
"It is to be presumed that the friends entered society and madeconsummate fools of themselves, as very young men generally do whenthey first mingle with ladies; but as that period of their career canpossess very little novelty for most people, I shall only favor it withthis passing notice, and at once introduce the gallant pair as theyappeared on the ---- night, in the month of ----, in the year of ourLord ----, at -- o'clock.
"In a very small room, before a very small window, was standing a verysmall table, at the side of which were two very shabby chairs, on whichwere seated two very young men; and as it was growing very dark, twovery small candles, in two very small candlesticks, were placed on thevery small table, in company with two very small decanters, filled withvery cheap Port, and two very old goblets, of very dirty pewter.
"The two very young men remained very still for a very long time, savewhen they made very long applications to the very old goblets of verycheap Port; and as you must be very anxious to know whether these veryyoung men were very ugly or very good looking, I shall be very happy toprofit by this very opportune state of things, and give a very concisedescription of their personal charms.
"Don Bobadil was very tall, very thin, with very long black hair, verysmall black eyes; very yellow complexion, very good teeth, and wasdressed very foppishly.
"Don Philip was very short, very fat, with very long brown hair, verylarge brown eyes, very fair complexion, very large mouth, and wasplainly attired.
"They both looked very happy, and drank very often.
"'Well, Philip,' said Bobadil, at length, 'a bachelor's life, inMadrid, is not quite so charming as in Salamanca; upon my word I havealmost become a limb of society, and it will prove a sad dismembermentwhen I go to my father's villa. These gay senoritas have so completelyinfatuated me, that I am never happy out of their company, and when Ithink of leaving them altogether, it makes me really miserable,' andthe Don consoled himself with a huge swallow of wine.
"'I perfectly agree with you,' answered Don Philip, 'and dread the ideaof leaving the dear charmers without making one of them a prisoner.'
"'We must have more gold soon,' said Bobadil, gloomily, taking a gobletof Port.
"'You speak truly, my friend. Our purses are growing very light, andnothing but wealthy wives will make them heavy. How unjust is thedecree that makes us wait until we are older before we can helpourselves to the treasures of our families. Here are nearly thirtyhairs upon my chin, and yet the grim old hidalgoes call me a boy yet.Sancta Maria! I should like to cross swords with some of those shakinggrandees, just to convince them that I have the strength of a man, if Ihave not his years.'
"'The wish is perfectly natural, Don Philip, yet it can do us no goodat present, when our last flagons of wine stand before us, and DameMargy grows clamorous for her dues,' said Bobadil, imbibing largedraughts of grape juice.
"'_O, beatissimo, neustra Senora!_ Don't dwell on unpleasant facts, DonBobadil,' responded the other; 'we must replenish our treasures, andthe means to do it should be our present consideration. We must marrystores of maravedis.'
"'That is coming to the point, my dear friend, and your words areworthy of a sage; but, my dear Philip, to tell the truth, I dreadmarriage for one reason, namely: that, by engaging in it, one becomesliable to incur responsibilities known as babies. I do hate those noisylittle nuisances as I hate the devil, and, to have one constantlysqualling in my ears, would soon make a madman of me,' and our herodrank heartily of liquor.
"'I will allow the truth of what you say,' replied Philip; 'the cry ofan infant is not quite as musical as the harp of Orpheus. Still, it isbetter to endure such annoyance than to go about with empty purses, andwhen one who is poor desires to have money, he must endure matrimony,or become a rogue. Now there is Lisette, ready to fall into my arms atany moment, and bring me a long purse; but I will never leave you abachelor, though I starve.'
"Tears arose involuntarily to the eyes of Bobadil, as his friend spokethus disinterestedly, and, after holding a cup of wine to his lips forsome moments, he answered:
"'My dear fellow, you are a sage and I am a fool. You shall not starvefor me though I have to become the father of five hundred little impsto save you. Yes, dear Philip, I will sacrifice myself upon the altarof friendship, and become a victim of Hymen.' Here the emotions of theSpaniard became so violent that a large quantity of Port wine wasnecessary to prevent syncope.
>
"Don Philip started from his seat, and eyed his friend with every markof unbounded surprise.
"'Can you do it soon?' he asked hurriedly.
"'Before another pair of days have shown their tails above the tide oftime,' answered Bobadil with poetic fervor, having recourse to thedecanter containing Port.
"'My dear friend, you must be drunk.'
"'No, Don Philip, I am sober as a monument.'
"'Has some fair sonora smiled upon you?'
"'Not only has she smiled upon me, but she has actually laughed at me.Port would never intoxicate me.'
"'_Per Dio!_ I never heard of this before, Bobadil.'
"'Nevertheless, Don Philip, it is true as a _pater_. My pride would notallow me to mention my case to you, until I became successful in mysuit; and when that was decided, I waited until you should be similarlycircumstanced, and we might marry together. Your frequent absence fromour lodgings, at night, aroused my suspicions, and I resolved to findout your secret before imparting mine. Now that you have named yourmistress, I will acknowledge that I, also, have one, whose name isLeonora, and I intend to make her my wife, when you lead Lisette to thealtar.'
"'I am rejoiced to hear you speak thus,' answered Don Philip, 'andLisette will partake of my joy; but, tell me, Bobadil, will you gainwealth by this union?'
"'Gold enough to build a second Escurial, my dear Philip. Leonora isthe daughter of a rich Jew, and can show more maravedis than theInfanta of Spain.'
"'Better and better. But how is it that her father will allow her towed a Catholic?' inquired Philip.
"'He is not to be consulted in the matter at all. I may as well relatethe circumstances of our acquaintance, and you will at once perceivethat the Israelite's consent is not required. Two weeks ago, I waspassing a small house not far from the Plaza del Rio, and, chancing tolook up, beheld the face of a beautiful Senora looking from a window.Our glances met, whereupon she drew back with a blush, and I gallantlykissed the tip of my glove. Although she immediately drew shut thelattice, I fancied, from her look, that she was not displeased with myconduct, and set about finding out who she was. I soon ascertained thather father was a rich Jew, named Miguel, that his wife was dead, andthat he lived with his daughter and a wrinkled duenna, whom he hadenlisted to watch Leonora. Much as I despise Jews, the beauty ofLeonora had sunk into my heart, and I resolved to have an interviewwith her, though our most Holy Church, should excommunicate me for it.Accordingly, I passed the house every day for a week, and each time thelady withdrew from the window with a blush, as I saluted her. Thisencouraged me to scrape acquaintance with the pythoness who guardedher, and by means of several small bribes, I was at length admitted toa private interview with Leonora. My idol was coy at first, but afterone or two stolen visits, she returned my passion in an honorable way,and will become my bride whenever it may please me to carry her offfrom her old thief of a father.'
"'But the Jew has all the gold,' said Don Philip, despondingly.
"'Not so,' replied Bobadil. 'My angel has a fortune of her own lockedup in a trunk, and I shall take good care to secure it in the firstplace.'
"His friend's countenance was lighted by a smile, but it passed away ashe again spoke--
"'Our priests will never consent to your marriage with a Jewess.'
"'What an owl you are,' retorted Don Bobadil; 'Leonora shall pass foras good a Catholic as the Pope himself.'
"'My dear friend, you delight me!' exclaimed Don Philip, springing fromhis seat and embracing Bobadil; 'let us then make ourselves and ourmistresses happy at once--this very night! You can go after Leonorawhile I seek Lisette.'
"Our hero found it necessary to take a drink of something after thisproposition, and then responded:
"'Spoken like a Spaniard and a gentleman; I will go to the house ofMiguel and bring the trunk of treasure from thence--that, you know,should be secured first. After bringing it hither I will go back afterLeonora, and when next we meet I shall be a married man.'
"'Do so, Don Bobadil,' returned Philip, 'and I will, in like manner,gain the fortune and hand of Lisette. Let us hasten, my friend, and weshall be independently wealthy before morning.'
"Together they drank the remainder of the wine, and having givencertain orders to Dame Margy, left the house, each taking a differentroute.
"It rained in torrents, when my hero wrapped his long cloak about himand set out. The tormenting drops ran the length of his nose and pouredinto his bosom, they crawled damply down his boots, they trickledgrievously into his ears, they clung to his long black hair, and soakedthrough his sombrero; yet did the brave Spaniard press onward, as ahero advances to the breastworks amid a storm of shot and shells. Lovehad cast its thickest blanket about his heart, and a flame burnedglaringly there that nothing but matrimony and maravedis could quench.Arriving in front of his mistress's abode, my hero picked up a handfulof sand, and threw it lightly against a window pane, such being thesignal by which he was to make known his presence when Miguel was athome. Almost immediately a lattice was opened, and a woman's head,ornamented with a scarlet cap _de nuit_ was thrust out.
"'Who's that?' demanded the duenna, snappishly.
"'It's only me,' responded Don Bobadil, in low tones.
"'And who's _me_?' asked the amiable woman.
"'Don Bobadil Banco.'
"'Don Bobadil Banco had better go home, if he don't want to have hishead broken with a flowerpot,' snarled the duenna.
"'Now, my dear Laura.'
"'Don't 'dear' me! Are you drunk?'
"'I must see Donna Leonora,' said Bobadil.
"'You _are_ drunk!' screamed the lady.
"'No, I am not; but, pray, make less noise, my good Laura, or you willhave the alguazils about my ears. Tell your lady that I am here, andyou shall have a purse of ducats.'
"'Oh! ah! I will,' replied the mercenary woman, retiring quickly fromthe window and again closing the lattice.
"The adventurous Spaniard stood in soak for half an hour, at the end ofwhich Dame Laura, cautiously admitted him at the door, and he soonknelt before his mistress. Donna Leonora was a charming littlebrunette, with raven curls and sparkling black eyes full of mirth.
"'Sancta Maria! what is the matter, Don Bobadil?' she exclaimed, eyeingthe kneeling personage with surprise.
"'Dearest Leonora, idol of my heart!' replied Bobadil, clasping herwaist, 'here on my knees let me implore you to become mine forever, andmake me happier than the angels. Recent events, which I cannot explainat present, have rendered it necessary for me to thus intrude upon youat an unseasonable hour, and implore that your promise to become mybride may be at once fulfilled.'
"'But this is so sudden,' murmured the lady.
"'Pardon my haste, dear Leonora,' answered Don Bobadil. 'I know howexquisitely sensitive your nature is; but heaven destined us for eachother, and when I leave you, I leave a part of myself.'
"'The gentleman speaks wisely,' interrupted the duenna. 'Your fatherhas smoked his opium and will sleep until after meridian to-morrow. Gowith Don Bobadil, Senora, and Miguel shall learn all from me when heawakes.'
"Leonora resisted for awhile; but her objections were speedilyovercome, and she at length yielded to the combined entreaties of herlover, and subtle reasoning of her mercenary duenna. Such is love.
"'Here is a load for you, Senor,' said the latter personage, pointingto a chest studded with brass nails that stood near. 'Carry it off asquickly as possible, and return for your mistress when you have placedher fortune in a safe place.'
"Our hero at once acceded to plans so consonant with his own, and afterembracing the Senorita, he seized the chest and hastened with it to hislodgings. It was a heavy load for one man, and the rain still pouredfuriously down; but the lover danced on like a feather before thevagrant zephyrs of spring, and soon deposited his precious freight inthe room where he had lately held converse with Don Philip. This done,he hastened back to the house of Don Miguel, impatient to secure hisfair bride; but Dame Laura met him at the door, with h
er fingerspressed upon her lips, and her form barring his further progress.
"'Hist! not a word!' she whispered cautiously. 'The Jew was aroused bythe noise you made descending the stairs, and would not be satisfieduntil he had searched the house with a candle in one hand and a drawnsword in the other. He is quiet now, and if not again disturbed, willsoon sleep again. Return to your lodgings, and when Miguel slumbers, Iwill hasten thither with my lady. Not a word! Go!'
"Conquering his impatience, Don Bobadil thrust a purse of slimproportions into the bony hand of his confidante, and turned into thestreet without breathing a syllable.
"As he ascended the stairs to his own room, the sound of voices fellupon his ear, and fearing for the safety of his treasure, he rushedheadlong into the apartment with his sword drawn and a determination toslaughter the intruders. His anger was soon turned to pleasure, when hebeheld Don Philip seated beside a very pretty female, whose hands heheld in his own, and whose ringletted head rested upon his shoulder,with an air of familiarity that would have been the death of any oldmaid, whose sight could have been blighted by such a scene. He alsonoticed a chest somewhat smaller than the one he had obtained by rightof seizure, standing near the window, and felt doubly happy in theconviction that his friend had brought home something more substantialthan a wife.
"'Lisette, this is my friend, Don Bobadil Banco,' said Don Philip,leading the lady forward and presenting her. 'This, Don Bobadil, is mywife, and though she has no proud title, I shall be proud to presenther to my family as one worthy of a gentleman's affection.'
"'My dear Philip, allow me to congratulate you on the possession of alady, who, if her virtue equals her beauty, must indeed be an angel,'and our hero bowed with his accustomed courtesy to the blushingSenorita.
"'But where is the mistress, of whom you boasted a short time since?'asked Philip, glancing towards the door, as though expecting to beholda fourth person. 'I supposed that I should find her here with a priest.'
"'The Jew took me for a thief, and woke up, or Donna Leonora would behere now. But her duenna has promised to bring her hither soon and wemust have patience.'
"'Then take a seat, Don Bobadil, and I will relate the manner in whichI became possessed of Lisette, for I know you are dying to hear it,though your pride hides your curiosity. While we were at Salamanca, Ibecame acquainted with a poor orphan girl, who won my heart by herbeauty and virtuous conduct. Other students saw and admired her; buttheir admiration was not such as honor sanctioned, and the girl leftthe place, preferring a strange place with quiet, to a home in whichshe was constantly subject to insult and annoyance. At the time I knewnot the reasons for her sudden departure, and it filled me with sorrow.I hid my feelings from you, however, fearing that your disposition formirth might lead you to make a butt of me. I came hither with you, andbeheld many fair ladies, but to none did my heart incline, and the fairorphan of Salamanca remained mistress of my thoughts. About a weekafter our arrival in Madrid, you went to a ball one evening, leaving meto comfort Dame Margy until you came back. Not much liking suchcompany, I strolled forth to the grand plazza and entered a theatrewith the crowd. Numerous familiar faces appeared in various parts ofthe building, and while I went about to greet my friends, the play wascommenced. I believe I should not have looked upon the stage at all, sobusily was I engaged, had not the tones of a voice made me start backin amazement, and look wildly toward the performers. Near the centre ofthe stage, clad in the costume of her _role_, and bowing in a flowerytrain, was a form and face that sent the blood hurtling through myveins like molten lead. After standing like one petrified for somemoments, I suddenly quitted the boxes, and gained admittance behind thescenes. I had not been mistaken; the orphan of Salamanca and theactress of Madrid were one. I need not tell an ardent lover likeyourself the effect of such a meeting; it is sufficient to say, thatLisette bade farewell to the stage, whither necessity had forced her,and took from thence a liberal compensation. Such is the history of myamour, Don Bobadil; and, as we each have caskets at hand, I proposethat we become acquainted with their contents.'
"'Donna Leonora owns the one I brought hither, and it may displease hershould I open it,' answered our hero.
"'Not at all, my friend; she is to be your wife before morning, andwhat belongs to your wife belongs equally to you.'
"'Oh! very well,' responded Bobadil.
"'I will display the riches of Lisette first to encourage you, and youmay follow with the dowry of Senora Leonora,' said Don Philip, takingoff the lid of the second chest.
"Our hero looked on in surprise, as his friend displayed its contents,and his pride made him tremble, lest his own portion should prove lesscostly. There were gorgeous robes, satin slippers, magnificentornaments of gold, sparkling brilliants, bracelets, necklaces, andbrooches, set with rubies, emeralds, and diamonds, a tiara sparklinglike a constellation of midnight stars, and an immense leather bagfilled with valuable coins.
"'Why, Don Philip, you have all the riches of Indus here!' exclaimedDon Bobadil, opening wide his eyes in astonishment.
"'So much for your discrimination, Bobadil,' returned Philip. 'Theserobes belong to an actress' wardrobe, and are more gaudy than valuable.These rubies, emeralds, and diamonds are pieces of colored and crystalglass, intended to dazzle unsophisticated eyes, but nearly worthless tothe jeweler; the gold setting is worth its weight in brass, and thesecoins alone are genuine. But let us now look upon your dowry, myfriend, when, I doubt not, that we shall be made to wink by the glitterof pure gems and true metal.'
"As Don Bobadil listened to the explanations of his friend, his eyesglistened, and at the conclusion he walked proudly towards his chest,with a feeling of conscious superiority.
"'I will not boast,' he said, haughtily; 'but Jews are not overfond oftinsel, and my mistress's robes have not a value peculiar to thedimly-lighted stage,' so saying, he threw back the cover of histreasure casket.
"A shade of disappointment rested upon his features at the first view,but he disdained to give it utterance, and carelessly threw aside arobe of cheap material, trimmed with imitation ermine. But, alas, thenext was a garment of scarlet, with bells attached to the skirt; thenone of green, with faded tinsel ornaments; another of white flannel,with tarnished silver lace stars about the waist.
"During this exhibition, Lisette was apparently endeavoring to swallowher handkerchief, while Don Philip looked anxiously toward the ceiling,as though its intricate pattern had suddenly become an object ofabsorbing interest.
"Sternly did Don Bobadil delve into his mine of female apparel,expecting soon to strike a vein of monstrous diamonds with a mosaic ofgold. He reaches it at last! Yes, there it is! Mark his glance of prideand exultation as he says:
"'Don Philip, will you assist me? The Jew's ducats are very heavy, andthe bag containing them rather larger than a Senora's night-cap.'
"Don Philip did as he was desired, when suddenly our hero dropped hisend of the bag, with a cry more piercing than that of an enraged hyena.Oh shades of _Mater Money!_ _Por vida del diablo!_ The bag _moved_,there came a cry, and there appeared in the opening of its leathercovering _the head of a baby_!
"'Oh, Holy Virgin! Thunder and lightning! Fire! Murder! I'm lost,tormented, tortured, cheated! Cruel Leonora! Infamous woman! d--d oldduenna!' roared the unhappy Bobadil, stamping and steaming like aninfuriated tea-pot.
"'Be calm, my dear friend, I pray you be calm,' cried Don Philip,vainly endeavoring to conquer his mirth, while Lisette rolled on thefloor in a paroxysm of laughter.
"'Don't tell me to be calm!' bellowed Bobadil. 'Look there! My horror,detestation, abhorrence--_a baby!_ Hear it squeal! I'll strangle thecursed little fiend! Oh, oh, oh!--diablo!'
"'You will arouse the neighborhood.'
"'What do I care! I'm betrayed, swindled, ruined, seduced! Stab me,shoot me, make a bloody corpse of me. Kill that baby, or I'll make yourwife an orphan!'
"'What's all this?' asked Dame Margy, darting into the apartment andholding up her hands in wild astonishmen
t.
"'Don't you hear it yell?' howled Bobadil, tearing out his hair byhandfulls. 'It's a baby!'
"Dame Margy came very near fainting, and Lisette was obliged to go toher assistance, while Don Philip approached his enraged friend andsucceeded in soothing him.
"'Act like a man,' he said, 'and take measures to punish theperpetrator of the infamous outrage. The baby is a poor innocent littlething, and Lisette will attend to it. Lisette, look after the baby!Now, Don Bobadil, repress your emotions.'
"The retired actress obeyed her intended husband with alacrity,assisted by Dame Margy, who was fully revived, and our hero burst intotears.
"'Oh, Philip!' he blubbered, 'miserable wretch, that I am, what shall Ido? That infamous woman will be here in a moment, and I know not how toact. Oh! curse that baby!'
"'Woman's wit shall aid you,' said the hitherto silent Lisette, afterwhispering to Dame Margy, who immediately left the apartment. 'DonBobadil, you must assume the attire of your housekeeper, and leavePhilip and me to account for your supposed absence, when Donna Leonoraarrives.'
"As she finished speaking, the old housekeeper returned with apromiscuous assortment of female garments, and before our hero had timeto resist, he presented the appearance of a stout old lady.
'Don't speak a word,' said Don Philip, placing an immense bonnet andveil upon his head, 'you must pass for Dame Margy, and leave me tosettle with your cruel mistress.'
"Though not quite satisfied with this arrangement, Don Bobadil acceptedin silence, especially as the sound of approaching footsteps fell uponhis ear, as they tumbled him to a distant seat.
"Dame Margy fled through an opposite door just as two figures, deeplyveiled, entered the apartment.
"'Holy Virgin! who has rifled my chest? And where is Don Bobadil?'exclaimed Leonora, clasping her hands.
"'Lady,' said Don Philip, advancing to meet her with much dignity, 'asthe friend of Don Bobadil Banco, it is my duty to inform you that hehas discovered ALL, and left Madrid forever.'
"'All!' exclaimed the lady and duenna in a breath.
"'Yes, senora, my friend hates babies!'
"Like two agitated fawns, Leonora and her attendant dropped their veilsand sprang to the side of the chest.
"'Why!--what--who has done this?' exclaimed the fair Jewess, quiveringlike an aspen leaf.
"'You, lady, can best answer that question.'
"'It is false! My whole fortune was in that chest! I am cheated,deceived, ruined!'
"'Peace! infamous woman!' thundered Don Bobadil, no longer able torestrain his rage, and darting toward her. But he stepped upon hisskirts, and pitched headlong to the floor.
"'Do I dream?' murmured Leonora in affright.
"'You do not,' screamed our hero, tucking his petticoats under hisarms, and tearing off the veil that concealed his face. 'Behold! falseone! behold! Don Bobadil Banco!'
"'Dear Bobadil, you would not kill me?'
"'No, Leonora, you shall live to repent of this. Take that wretchedbaby to its father, or I will strangle it before your eyes.'
"'By the God we all worship, I swear I never saw the child before!'exclaimed Leonora, looking solemnly upward.
"Her air of truthfulness carried conviction with it, and Bobadil stoodlike one thunderstruck; but soon a new expression fell upon hiscountenance, and he turned gravely to the duenna.
"'Perhaps _you_ own the--the baby!'
"'You're a nasty dirty beast!' retorted the chaste creature, rushingfrom the room like a ricochetting shot.
"'I can answer for the innocence of Laura,' said Leonora, calmly.
"Rebuked by her dignified manner, our hero mentally exonerated her fromall blame; yet there was the baby, screaming lustily, and no othervaluables were found in the chest.
"'Forgive me, if I have wronged you,' he said, penitently, 'I judgedtoo quickly; but then I took those gaudy robes from yonder chest,and--_who owns the baby?_'
"'I see how it is,' said Donna Leonora composedly, turning toward thedoor, 'you have adopted this plan to rob me of the little fortune Ipossessed. I would willingly incur a much greater loss to escape fromsuch a monster. Keep my gold, Don Bobadil, and say you become a betterman.'
"Our hero stood motionless, involved in a maze of doubts and fears; andthe lady was about departing, when Lisette suddenly sprang forward, andprevented her.
"'Stop, lady!' she exclaimed, 'the trick has gone far enough--_I ownthe baby!_'
"'Lisette speaks truly, and _I am the baby's father!_' said Don Philip,grasping the hand of our perplexed hero.
"'Villain!' exclaimed Bobadil, feeling for his sword.
"'Wretch!' screamed Leonora, feeling for her handkerchief.
"'I humbly crave your mercy, until you have heard my story,' repliedDon Philip, coolly placing his arm about the waist of his Lisette.'This lady,' he continued, 'is my _wife_, and has been such for twoyears. I have kept my secret thus rigidly, that it should not reach theears of my family until I had arrived at man's estate; but when youdetermined to take a wife I resolved to make you my confidant. Whileyou were at the house of Miguel to-night, I brought my wife and _baby_hither, wishing to surprise you at your return. I found your chestfilled with the riches I afterwards showed you as the property of anactress, and prompted by a spirit of mirth, I exchanged its contentsfor those of our own. Knowing your hostility to babies, I placed theyoung _Bobadil_ in your casket also, and had you taken notice of smallthings, you would have observed that I left the lid partly open. It'sonly a reminiscence of college trickery, my dear Bobadil, and if it hasgiven offence, behold the culprit at your feet.'
"The friendly smile of his friend and the imploring glance of Lisette,completely overcame our hero's resentment, and he extended his hand inall gentleness; then turning quickly to the silent, though smilingLeonora, he fell at her feet, exclaiming:
"'Dear lady, we are both victims of our friend's frolic, and thereshould be no anger between us. I do dislike babies so much, that thesight of one makes me desperate; but now that all is explained, I hopeyou will forgive me.'
"The lady smiled so encouragingly upon him, that he soon stood face toface--I mean lips to lips--with her.
"'Let us seek a priest,' said Don Philip, with solemnity.
"How this proposition was received, may be assumed from the fact thatDame Margy soon locked up an empty house. How Miguel the Jew conductedwhen he awoke next morning; how the families of our friends receivedthe news of their scions' marriages, and how the young gentlemen feltthemselves, are matters not explained by history; but it is certainthat Don Bobadil and Don Philip were never again in want of ducats, andit is also certain that if any one wished to see an angry man, he couldbe gratified by eyeing the youngest Banco in a suspicious manner, andasking in mysterious tones--'_Who owns the Baby?_'"
At the conclusion of this exemplary Spanish tale, my boy, we"adjourned" our slumbers to Willard's.
Yours, drowsily, ORPHEUS C. KERR.