Deeper We Fall

  “Do you want to come in? Friends can go into friends’ rooms and listen to music, can’t they?”

  Her smile appeared. “I guess so.”

  “I can leave the door open to give you an escape route, if you want.”

  She rolled her eyes and came in, pulling the door shut with a click.

  “Pink Floyd?” she said after listening for a moment.

  “Why not?”

  She nodded in agreement.

  “Do you want to sit?”

  “I’m good.” She paced the room like a tiger in a cage. I should have left the door open.

  “Would you like some tea?”

  “What?”

  I went to my closet and pulled a box of green tea off my shelf. I even had a bottle of honey and some creamer. Miss Carole always made me tea when we had meetings, and I’d come to associate the stuff with soothing and calming.

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  I made both of us some tea as she paced the room some more.

  “Do you listen to anything modern?” she asked, looking at some of my new photos.

  “Sometimes,” I said as the microwave dinged. “Cream and honey?”

  “Yes, both.”

  I handed her a mug and she blew on it before taking a sip. She couldn’t really pace with a mug of hot liquid, so I pulled out my desk chair for her and sat on my bed.

  “This is good, thank you.” She seemed surprised. “Most guys think tea is lame or gay or something.”

  I smiled. “I think most males in Britain would have a problem with that.”

  “True.”

  We both sipped as I waited for her to say something. I knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with the silence for long. Her eyes perused my wall, which had changed since she was here the last time.

  “Did you take those?” She nodded at some of the recent pictures I’d taken of the horses at the farm.

  “I had to find a way to keep you out of my head.” I wanted to pull the words back, but they were already out. “I’m sorry. That came out sounding a lot creepier than I intended.” She laughed nervously and I finished my tea.

  “What else do you do? For hobbies.”

  “Terrorize pretty girls like you.” She snapped around to see if I was serious. A beat of silence passed. “I run.”

  “I never pegged you for the running type.”

  “That was what I was doing, when I nearly took you out that time. Is your ankle okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s fine.” She finished her tea, and that looked like it was going to be the end of it.

  “So what do you do for hobbies?”

  One corner of her mouth lifted in a half-smile. “Annoy handsome guys like you.”

  It was my turn to be shocked. She giggled at my expression and handed the mug back to me.

  “Maybe we could do something sometime. I know that sounds vague.”

  “You’d go somewhere with me?”

  She moved toward the door. “As long as I can drive.”

  “I don’t drive anyway. I never got my license.”

  Stopping, she turned. “You didn’t?”

  “I couldn’t really get behind the wheel after all that, and Zack is always around to give me a ride.”

  “Huh.”

  “Does that surprise you?”

  “Not now that I think about it, actually it does.” She sat on the floor and crossed her legs. Maybe she wasn’t going anywhere.

  “Sorry I brought up the driving,” she said.

  “It’s okay. It’s not like I can avoid it.”

  “True.” She drew a circle on the rug with her finger. “I don’t hate you, by the way. I used to, but I don’t think I can. Not now that I know you.”

  I wanted to kiss her right then, but I made myself stay still.

  “I tried, and I couldn’t. Then I tried blaming myself for letting it happen, and that sucked. I thought Will was going to have to beat some sense into me.”

  I wanted to do the same. How dare she take on any of the blame?

  “I should have done more, that night. So she didn’t get in the truck. If I could have convinced her, it wouldn’t have happened, and I’d still have her the way she was.”

  “You’re smarter than that, Charlotte. Falling into that trap is too easy for someone like you.”

  She traced some more circles, turning them into loops, like the infinity symbol.

  “It was easier to blame myself than to say that it was an accident that I had no control over. Losing control is one of the scariest things. That’s why people are afraid of the dark. Or death. They’re afraid of not being in control.”

  She looked up from the rug to see what I thought. This was one of those times when I couldn’t find the right words.

  “You’re right.” Simple, but true. She looked back down, and I realized I should have said more. The silence lengthened and then it was too late.

  “Sorry to be such a downer,” she said.

  “It doesn’t bother me. I’m sorry I’m not better at conversation.”

  “I talk enough for two people.”

  “Maybe I could borrow some of your words, and then we’d be even.”

  She laughed softly.

  “Deal.”

  All the things I wanted to say to her, to have her know, clamored around my brain, begging for me to let them out.

  “I should probably go. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming down here. Katie probably thinks I drowned in the bathroom sink.” She started to get up.

  “Wait.” Her eyes locked with mine. “There are a lot of things I want to say to you, but I’m afraid if I say them that you’ll go away again, and I don’t want that.”

  “I say things I should be afraid to say all the time. You didn’t seem afraid that night by the football field.”

  “That was before I knew what it was like to lose you.”

  “In all fairness, you never really had me.” Her words should have hurt, but they were true, and I knew it. “Just spit it out Zan. If I haven’t left already, given what’s happened, I’m pretty sure I won’t.” Even she seemed shocked by the last part. “That’s not because I like you, or anything. It’s just—shit.”

  Her face went a brilliant shade of red and she looked so flustered I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “You are not laughing at me.”

  I pressed my lips together and tried not to, but I couldn’t help it.

  “Stop laughing,” she said, starting to laugh herself. She leaned down and smacked me in the shoulder. “Jerk.”

  I grabbed her arm and pulled her down next to me. She made a little sound of surprise, but didn’t stop me.

  “This is what I want to tell you.”

  I clasped her face between my hands and let myself sink into the depths of her eyes. She was frozen, probably with shock, but at least she wasn’t struggling. I would have let her go if she did.

  “‘I want to see you.

  Know your voice.

  Recognize you when you

  first come 'round the corner.

  Sense your scent when I come

  into a room you've just left.

  Know the lift of your heel,

  the glide of your foot.

  Become familiar with the way

  you purse your lips

  then let them part,

  just the slightest bit,

  when I lean in to your space

  and kiss you.

  I want to know the joy

  of how you whisper

  ‘more’’”

  The words, memorized this summer came to my lips. They were better than any I could come up with.

  She reached her hand up and stroked my hand on her face, and looked away from my eyes.

  “I guess I asked for it,” she said, closing her eyes. “Why can’t you be someone else?”

  “I’ve asked myself the same thing every single day.” I moved my hands, tracing her face, her nose, her ears. She had such sweet ears.

  “Why
can’t you be someone else?” She opened her eyes and gripped my arms, but she didn’t try to pull them away from her face.

  Biting her bottom lip, I watched her struggle. I knew I wasn’t the only conflicted one.

  “I swear to God, if I kiss you, and something bad happens, that’s it. And not something like a papercut or getting my period early. Something like falling down the stairs, or getting robbed. Anything happening to Lexie. Got it?”

  “If the sky starts to fall, I’ll catch it for you, pretty girl.” I moved my face an inch closer, so I could feel her every exhale on my skin.

  “Why do you have to say things like that and make this so hard? If you were just an asshole like your brother, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

  “I could be an asshole if you want me to.” I moved again, and we were so close that her face blurred in my vision.

  “That would make things a lot easier.”

  Neither of us could fight the last millimeter of space that separated our lips.

  It was even better than the first time, if that was possible. This time she knew it was coming, and wanted it. Probably not as much as I did, but still. It took two people to make a kiss happen. I started to move my head, and she went in the same direction and our noses crashed, causing both of us to pull apart and try again.

  “Sorry,” she said to my mouth.

  “Okay,” I said back.

  We tried again, and I let her decide where she was going to go. Fuck, her lips were soft and clean. I’d drowned far too much in sticky gloss in my lifetime. Lips didn’t need lube.

  Her hands reached for me, fisting in my shirt and pulling me closer. We were sort of smashed sideways against the wall, so I turned, and let her lie back, keeping myself propped on my arms so I wasn’t lying on top of her. I didn’t think I could deal with that much body contact without losing it and embarrassing myself.

  And then her hands wrapped around my back and she pressed her body upward, begging me.

  “Charlotte,” I said before I slid my tongue into her mouth. Her only response was a throaty moan that had replaced her saying my name as my favorite sound in the entire world.

  If she was any other girl, I would have had her clothes off and would be fucking her by now.

  I never wanted to fuck Charlotte. Well, not unless she let me.

  All those other girls, I lost myself in them. Forgot who I was. Forgot Zan Parker and all the mistakes he’d made and what everyone thought about him, and how shitty my life had gotten.

  I wanted to find myself with her.

  I pulled away from her lips and kissed her nose.

  “Let the sky fall,” I said. “It’s worth it for something like that.”

  She brushed my lips with her fingers.

  “Regrets?” I said.

  She shook her head.

  “I’ve never seen you mute before.”

  “It’s rare,” she said, tracing the outline of my lips with her forefinger. I kept just enough space between our bodies that she couldn’t feel my hard-on. It was pretty obvious, but I didn’t want her to think that I was pushing her. We’d only talked about kissing. I was also almost positive she was a virgin.

  “I’m not having sex with you,” she said.

  “I don’t expect you to.”

  She raised both eyebrows.

  “I would never, ever push you to do something you didn’t want to. If sex was what I wanted, I could find it somewhere else.”

  She swallowed before she asked. “Do you?”

  “I used to.”

  Her hands moved up and down my arms. “Oh.”

  “Does that shock you?”

  “I don’t know. My brain is not exactly in top thinking form right now.” She smiled and I relaxed a little.

  “Do you think that this could happen again?” I said.

  “I’ll have to ask my Magic 8 Ball, but my sources say… Maybe. I don’t know, Zan.”

  “Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”

  She licked her lips. “Be someone else?”

  “I could be someone else. Who do you want me to be?”

  “Can I call you Alex?”

  I smiled. “There’s only one other person in this world who calls me Alex, but I think I can make an exception. Would you like a new name?”

  “I like it when you call me Charlotte. I almost forget sometimes that it’s my name.”

  “It’s such a lovely name for a lovely girl.” I kissed her softly on the cheek.

  “How do you know I’m a lovely girl?”

  “I know more than you think, Charlotte.”

  “Stalker.”

  “I couldn’t help noticing you.”

  “Why?”

  Now that was a question I didn’t have the right words to answer.

  “I’ve been noticing you for so long that I don’t even remember anymore. You’re kind and sweet and you always want the best for everyone you love, and you do whatever you can to make it happen. You’d sacrifice your own happiness for someone you loved.”

  It was so much more than that, but at least I had words for that part.

  “It’s not because I’m the one girl you can’t have? Some people do that. Fall for unattainable people so they don’t get hurt.”

  “Some people do, but not me.”

  A sound in the room just on the other side of the wall made us both look up, as if someone had walked in on us.

  “I should go. I shouldn’t be here now,” she said.

  “This isn’t the first time you’ve been in my bed.”

  She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “Please don’t remind me, Alex.”

  “You didn’t like sleeping in my bed?”

  “Shut up.” She pushed her palm into my chest and I rolled away so she could get up. “I am probably going to go back to my room and overthink this and blab to Katie and freak out and ignore you tomorrow.”

  “Is that so?”

  “I know my patterns.” I walked my fingers up and down her back and she let me. It was so freeing, after not being allowed to touch her for so long.

  “Would you like to have breakfast with me?”

  “I don’t think I’m ready to go public with this. Whatever this is.” Twirling her fingers in my hair, she pulled a little, and I thought she was going to kiss me again, but she didn’t.

  “I can make a mean Pop Tart, and there’s always more tea.”

  “True. As long as I can sneak down here after everyone else has gone.” We sat for a moment and I was just about to kiss her again, but another sound next door put a stop to that.

  “So, breakfast?” I said.

  She nodded. “Breakfast.”

  I walked her to the door.

  “One more goodnight kiss?” I asked. I was probably pushing my luck, but it was traditional. I had precedence on my side.

  “I guess,” she said, getting up on her tiptoes to give me a quick, chaste kiss. It was still hot.

  “Goodnight, Alex.”

  “Goodnight, Charlotte.”

  I closed the door and heard her footsteps go down the hall.

  “Fuck,” I said, collapsing on my bed and glancing down at my jeans. I was past the point of no return, so I was going to have to take care of myself. There was no running that off.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Lottie

  “Where have you been?” Katie said when I finally came back. “I was about ready to call campus security.”

  “Just made a little detour.”

  “Where?” She stared at me, but I sealed my lips over the words that fluttered behind my lips like caged birds.

  “Nowhere.” I yawned and flopped on my bed.

  “You are lying to me, Lot.”

  “I’m not lying. I’m just not telling you where I was.”

  “Well, considering there is only one place that you would be reluctant to tell me about, I can assume that we got to you during dinner and you went to go see him. I’m going to guess it went well, seeing
as how you were down there for a long time, and your hair is kind of funky in the back.”

  “It is?” I reached back and found that my ponytail was sort of smushed to one side and quite disheveled.

  “You really like him, don’t you?” The hipster glasses were back, and her bed was spread with textbooks. There was hope after all.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Just… be careful.”

  Obviously.

  “Katie? Can you please not tell anyone? I’m still trying to work out what’s going on, and I want to keep it to myself.”

  “What are roommates for?”

  “Exactly.”

  I crawled into bed and stared at my ceiling. I couldn’t help touching my lips. They were just a little swollen. I licked them, and found his taste still on my skin.

  “Be careful,” Katie said again. “Zan’s been with a lot of girls.” I glanced up, but she wouldn’t look directly at me.

  “How many?” He’d said as much, but we were just kissing. It wasn’t like he was going to be my boyfriend and buy me flowers and take me on lame dates and all that. We were… we were sort-of friends. Friends who might kiss once in a while. Friends with benefits sounded so cliché.

  “A lot.” Were we talking ten a lot, or twenty a lot or more? She kept re-arranging her notebooks and I could tell she didn’t want to talk about it. Why had she brought it up?

  “Well, I’m not planning on sleeping with him.”

  “I’m sure a lot of those girls said the same thing. It just sort of happens.”

  Penises entering vaginas didn’t just happen. Otherwise there would be a lot more pregnancies. There was a lot that led up to it before the actual act.

  “Have you ever had it ‘just happen’?” I said.

  She nodded as if it was no big deal. “A few times.”

  “With who?”

  “Guys I shouldn’t have been sleeping with.” She was being really frustrating. “Anyway, just be careful.”

  “Be careful, got it. You ready for bed?”

  “Yeah, just have to brush my teeth.”

  I’d brushed mine before I went to see Zan. I liked calling him Alex. It didn’t make him a different person, but it was like he had a secret identity that only I knew about.

  I also liked having the taste of him on my mouth.