Deeper We Fall

  ***

  Somehow Zan and I made it through the next five days without anyone getting wise. Even Will. I’d sneak down, or he’d sneak up, or we’d meet somewhere people wouldn’t see us. He introduced me to his friend Stryker, who said that his place was at our disposal for any and all trysts.

  I went red as Zan explained that it wasn’t that kind of relationship. We hadn’t progressed past kissing, but that didn’t stop me from feeling his hard on every single time. He tried to hide it, but he wasn’t the only one who had a hard time keeping it in their pants. I just didn’t show it as much.

  Stryker and Zan would have banjo marathons while I did homework or read, or Zan and I took walks. He tried to get me to run with him, but I knew he’d leave me in the dust and I didn’t want to drag down his pace.

  He soaked into my life, and once it started I couldn’t stop it. If I’d wanted to stop it, I shouldn’t have gone to his room that night, or let him kiss me.

  It was too late, and I was still waiting for the sky to fall.

  We were alone at Stryker’s one afternoon while he was at work, and we were supposed to be studying, but I kept getting distracted.

  “Hey,” I said leaning over the rim of his book.

  “Hey.” He closed his book and leaned forward. “Are you trying to get me to forget about my homework? Because it’s working.”

  “Maybe. Maybe I think you’re way more interesting than ribosomes.”

  “I should hope I’m more interesting than ribosomes.” He cupped my face in one hand and I leaned into him. “What is it?”

  “I feel like I’m betraying Lexie by being here with you.” His lips inched closer to mine, and his face was so close, my vision blurred. “I know she doesn’t remember anything, but that doesn’t matter. I feel like I’m breaking a promise.”

  “I wish you didn’t feel that way, but the fact that you feel such loyalty is another thing that makes me want you.”

  I pulled back just a little so I could see him better. He was so serious and so honest. That was all I needed to know.

  I pushed myself forward so my lips crashed into his. He leaned back and pulled me on top of him, scattering our books and pens and notebooks. Who gave a shit about ribosomes? I rolled so he was above me.

  There was a book digging into my hip and I shoved it away. We should have moved to the couch, but I didn’t want to break away from him for that long.

  He propped himself above me, as if he was waiting for something. I pushed myself up on my elbows and kissed his lips.

  “You’re beautiful,” I said.

  “Not as beautiful as you.” His hands slid under my shirt, pulling it up.

  “Well, you’ve already seen everything there is to see,” I said, remembering the towel incident as I sort of pushed myself up on my elbows and tried to use my hands at the same time. How was I going to get my shirt off while I was lying down? Why was this so easy in movies?

  “I didn’t,” he said, pulling me up. “Do you need a hand?” He looked like he was fighting a smile.

  “Several,” I said as he pulled the cardigan off my shoulders, and helped me get my arms out. My t-shirt was next. He fingered the hem, raising it just a little to expose my stomach.

  “Lie back.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Wait and see.” I hesitated, but he kissed me again, and my insides melted and my spine turned liquid. He left my lips and slid down my body, until his face was in line with my stomach. He lifted the shirt a few more inches, and my skin erupted into little bumps as it was exposed to the air. Zan blew on my skin, which both tickled and made certain parts of my body start tingling.

  His fingers slid across my skin, and then his lips followed.

  “Sweet fuck,” I hissed through my teeth.

  His lips vibrated as he chuckled and it was one of the sexiest experiences I’d ever had. Granted, most of my experiences with the opposite sex had been not that sexy, but still.

  “I like that you don’t have a filter,” he said as he kissed my bellybutton. “I like this too.” He slipped his tongue inside and my mind exploded. Or at least that was what it felt like.

  I didn’t have words for that. Just incoherent noises.

  “You’re adorable,” he said, pulling himself back up my body to meet my lips again. “I can’t believe I get to kiss you.”

  “I can’t believe you just did that.” My skin was humming with joy. I still had a book under my back, but it seemed really unimportant.

  “Charlotte?” he said, holding my face.

  “Uh huh?”

  “Are you sure?”

  I ran my hands under his shirt and over his stomach. “About this? Honestly, no. But I like it, and I want it to continue.”

  “How far do you want it to continue?”

  “You sound like me, over analyzing. Just go with it.” I clamped onto the back of his neck and mashed my lips with his. It wasn’t the most romantic thing, but he responded, finally putting his hands fully up my shirt.

  “Shirt off,” I said between kisses. He got it off as fast as he could, and it didn’t get stuck on my head. I had a moment of holy-crap-I’m-not-wearing-a-shirt before he ran his hands down my sides, over my bra (which was a cute one, at least) and back up to my face.

  And then the door opened.

  Zan

  “Jesus. I wish I had a bucket of ice cold water right now,” Trish said, swinging her keys around in a circle. She was aware of the change in my relationship with Charlotte, and she made it no secret that she thought it was both bizarre and wrong.

  “Hey, Trish,” Charlotte said, tipping her head back and looking at Trish upside down while covering herself with her shirt and cardigan.

  “I was just coming over to drop off something. I didn’t know you two would be here.”

  I rolled off Charlotte and looked at the carnage we’d made of our study session. She got both shirts back on and redid her ponytail. I grabbed a book and placed it strategically in front of my crotch. Charlotte caught me and averted her eyes. Girls had it so easy in that department.

  “Are you coming to the Halloween party?” Charlotte had mentioned it, but hadn’t asked me if I was going. We’d been skirting the issue of going public. I wasn’t ready to define what we were until she was ready, and if she couldn’t tell Will yet, then I knew she wasn’t ready for that. He’d almost caught us several times, and it was torture sitting so far away from her in class. Sometimes I wrote her little notes when we were apart and slipped them under her door. More often than not, they had the wisdom of Rumi in them.

  “I don’t know, am I?” I glanced over at Charlotte, who was busy separating my books from hers.

  “You can do whatever you want.”

  “I don’t have a costume.”

  “I thought you two would have already figured this out. My bad,” Trish said, trying to edge her way to the door.

  “If you come, that means we’ll be in the same place at the same time and everyone will probably know what we’re doing,” Charlotte said.

  “Everyone knows anyway,” Trish muttered.

  “What?” Charlotte got to her feet. “What do you mean everyone knows?”

  Trish held her hands up in surrender. “Hey, I didn’t tell anyone, if that’s what you’re thinking, but you’ve been underestimating your ability to hide your activities.”

  “Does Will know?”

  “He’s your twin. Don’t you have that special twin connection that tells you when one of you is in pain, or lying or something?”

  Charlotte had explained about her ‘twindar.’

  “Will’s been really busy lately…” She looked off into space as if she was listening for something. “Aw, shit. He does know. I’ve never been able to lie to him, so I’ve been trying to just not tell him details, but he must know.”

  “There’s also the fact that you’ve been canoodling in the room right beside his.”

  “We’re not loud,” Charlotte sa
id.

  “You may not think you are, but you’re not really aware of that in the moment, are you?” Trish said, giving me a glare.

  Charlotte turned to me. “Did you know that he knew?”

  “Not exactly, but I knew he would find out eventually. I was just following your lead. You’re in charge, Charlotte,” I said.

  She started pacing around the living room.

  “Oh, shit. I should have told him. Why did I think we were going to be able to hide it?” I’d thought it was useless to try, but it was her plan.

  “You should have told me I was being stupid,” she said, smacking me in the chest.

  “I would never say you were being stupid about anything. Except if you said that stupid boy band that’s popular is better than The Beatles. That would qualify as stupid.”

  “Oh my God.” She tugged at her ponytail. “I have to go see him.”

  “Do you want me to come?”

  “No, he’d probably kill you. Just… Stay here. I’ll call you.” She gathered up her mountain of books and gave me a distracted kiss on the cheek before dashing out to Will’s truck.

  “Guess it’s just you and me, cowboy,” Trish said, coming over and sitting on the couch as if she owned the place.

  “Guess so.”

  “You need a ride back to campus? I can’t really see you running with those.” She gestured to my stack of books.

  “That would be great, thanks.”

  I grabbed my stuff and made sure I’d left everything the way it was when I came in. Not that Stryker really cared. He’d told me where the spare key was and said his door was always open.

  “So you and Lottie, huh? I saw that coming a mile away.”

  I didn’t answer.

  She wiped fog from the windshield and cranked the defroster. “I’m not going to pretend that it makes me happy.”

  Still, I didn’t answer. She was baiting me.

  “Strong and silent, aren’t you?”

  I finally looked at her. “I don’t want to say anything that you may try to use against me later.”

  “Hm.”

  She turned on the radio and switched it to the alternative rock station and started blaring some Muse.

  “Are you going to come to the Halloween thing?”

  “Only if she wants me to.”

  “Do you do everything she says?”

  That made me laugh.

  “For the most part. I’m not going to fuck this up by taking it too fast. She’s too important to me.”

  “Fast is normally your speed.” That wasn’t a question.

  “Normally. But she’s not a normal girl.”

  “No, she’s not. I haven’t known her for as long as you, but she’s one of the only people who doesn’t look at me like I’m a dyed, pierced freak. If anything happens to her, I swear I will kill you and make it look like an accident. I know people.”

  I would have laughed if she weren’t so serious. Charlotte loved fiercely, and those people loved her fiercely in return. You couldn’t really love her any other way.

  “Message received. Although, you would probably have to get in line behind Will, Simon, Audrey and Katie in order to get your shot at killing me.”

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Lottie

  I hadn’t been thinking. I’d been too caught up in the kissing and the flirting and the sexiness of it all. When I’d told Will I was studying, or working, or hanging out with Trish, he always accepted it with no questions asked.

  I pounded on his door until he opened it.

  “Lottie, what the hell?” He must have been taking a nap.

  “How long have you known that I was hanging out with Alex?”

  He yawned and rubbed his hair. “Who’s Alex?”

  “Zan. How long have you known I was hanging out with Zan?”

  He moved aside to let me in. “I heard you talking that night you came down after dinner. My suspicions were confirmed the next morning when you didn’t come to breakfast, and then over and over because you’d mysteriously disappear.”

  I whacked him on the shoulder. “Why didn’t you say anything, you idiot?”

  “I figured you’d tell me eventually.”

  “So you’re okay with this?”

  “I wish you would have told me instead of me using my twindar against you.”

  “I just didn’t know how you’d react. You were all for it the other day, but that was before you knew about anything, so –”

  “Lottie. You are my sister and I want you to be happy. If he makes you happy, even if he’s the guy you wanted to murder just a few weeks ago. I’m on your side.”

  “There’s just one thing I need to do before I’m completely for you being with Zan.”

  “What’s that?”

  Will grabbed my face between his hands and stared deep into my eyes.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Making sure your soul hasn’t been replaced by an alien species.”

  “How does staring at me prove that?”

  “Your eyes would be dead. Or different, or something.”

  I tried to pull back, but he wouldn’t let go. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Quick, when is your birthday?”

  He had lost his mind.

  “Uh, same as yours. December 25. We celebrate Birthmas every year.”

  He narrowed his eyes and finally let go of my face.

  “I guess so.”

  “You are so weird.”

  “Says the girl who changed her mind and decided to sleep with her mortal enemy.”

  I jabbed my finger in his face. “First off, we haven’t had sex .” Yet. “He’s not my mortal enemy.” He was one of two.

  He moved my finger away. “Okay, Lottie. So are you guys, like, together? Am I going to have to be nice to him now?”

  “We’re not anything, and yes, you have to be nice to him. Or else I will tickle you into submission.” I went for his tickle spot, but he was too fast for me, getting my arm and twisting it behind me as I struggled to get free.

  “Sometimes I can’t believe I’m related to you.”

  He finally let me go, but I pulled him into a hug. “Ditto.”

  “Lottie?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Just be careful.” God, how many times was I going to hear that?

  “I will.”

  “Okay.”

  He gave me a squeeze before letting me go.

  “Love you, Will.” We hardly ever said we loved each other, but this felt like a good time.

  “Love you, Lot.”

  “Oh, Will?” I said before I went to call Zan and tell him that Will wasn’t going to kill him (at least not today). “Would you mind if he came to dinner with us tonight?”

  Will sighed and looked upward, as if begging for help from a higher power.

  “Fine.”

  “And you’ll be nice?”

  “I’ll be nice.”

  “Great. Now twin promise that.”

  “Come onnnn.”

  “Twin promise.”

  He did it reluctantly.

  “Thanks, Will.”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  I gave him a kiss on the cheek and dashed back to my room before he changed his mind.

  Zan

  “Come on, tell me what you’re going to be.” It was a few hours before the Halloween party, and Charlotte was trying to get my costume out of me. She’d already been through my closet, looking for clues. What she didn’t know was that I was hiding my costume in Stryker’s closet.

  “Tell me what you’re going to be,” I said. She wasn’t the only one keeping her costume a secret.

  “I told you, Jane Austen,” she said slowly. Such a liar.

  “No, that was going to be your costume.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I have my ways.” Trish told Stryker, Stryker told me.

  “Come on, tell me.” She pouted up at me. We were on my floor and she had
her head on my chest as Leonard Cohen serenaded us.

  “No way, pretty girl.”

  “Fine. But I get to choose the next song.” She’d brought her iPod with her so I could steal some of her music. I’d given her a lot of mine, so it was only fair. She cranked the volume and plugged in my speakers.

  I recognized the melody, but not the version. We’d been listening to Leonard’s version only moments before.

  “‘Dance Me to the End of Love’,” she said. “Covered by The Civil Wars.”

  “I love this song, but I’ve never heard this version.”

  “So do I,” she said.

  “Dance with me.” I got up and held out my hand, pulling her up. I wrapped my arm around her waist and kept her other hand. This wasn’t the slow-dance shuffle most guys my age were familiar with. No, if I was going to dance with her, it was going to be the real thing.

  Our height difference was going to be an issue, so I pulled her up until she was standing on top of my feet.

  “There,” I said. She looked up at me and held on as I swayed and moved my feet. Much easier.

  “I hope I don’t step on your toes,” she said.

  “Step all you want, pretty girl. I don’t mind.”

  The song ended and I dipped her like they did in the movies, which made her laugh.

  “Where did you learn to dance like that?” she said.

  “My grandmother. She said every boy had to know how to dance with a woman properly.”

  “You’re good.”

  “Thank you. I never knew I’d need that skill until now.” I’d been saving it for her, specifically, but I wasn’t going to tell her that.

  She glanced at the clock on my desk. “I should go get ready. Who knows how long Katie is going to take to turn me into whatever she’s going to turn me into.”

  “I can’t wait to see you.” I just hoped she wouldn’t go overboard and changed Charlotte into something she wasn’t.

  “Ditto. See you at five?”

  I touched her nose. “Bye, pretty girl.”

  “Bye, Alex.”

  I ran to Stryker’s to grab my own costume. It had actually been his idea.

  “Hey,” he said, and it took me a second to recognize him with the plastic fangs he’d attached to his teeth and the black outfit, complete with red cape. “What do you think?” He had a tiny bit of a lisp when he talked.