The Life I Left Behind

Chapter 17

  I wake and it’s dark. I feel shaky. I climb out of bed and I tremble. It’s almost like I can’t control my body. I have a throbbing headache. I stumble into the bathroom and flick on the light. It hurts my eyes and I groan. I open the medicine cabinet and search for Tylenol. Several bottles of various pills fall out and I curse aloud.

  I pull a Dixie cup from the bathroom dispenser and I turn on the water and fill it. I work at opening the Tylenol bottle for several seconds before I can take the lid off. My hands shake so badly I almost lose the two white pills down the drain. I swallow them and wash them down with the water. I sink down beside the sink and hold my head in my hands. For a few seconds I consider lying on the tile floor.

  There is something wrong with me.

  I don’t know how long I sit there like that before Doyle lifts me into his arms as if I weigh nothing and deposits me on the bed. I groan and grit my teeth together against the wave of nausea that sweeps over me.

  “What’s wrong honey?” He purrs as he stretches out behind me. “Not feeling well?”

  “No.” I moan. I can’t say anything else. I turn away from him, as if that could keep him from me. I bend double with pain and shiver uncontrollably.

  “I can help you; if you let me. It’s me you crave.”

  I feel my body respond to him. Yes, I crave him, his touch. Whatever he does to me…it’s like a drug. I need it. I want it. It feels like a wild animal inside my body clawing to get out; to get to him. My skin seems drawn to him like a magnet, how badly I want him to touch me, to take me where I was last night.

  “No.” I mumble, more to myself than him. I know this is not right. Although I’ve never taken a drug in my recollection I know this is how an addict must feel. If he does that again… I’ll lose myself. I’m not in control, and I know I’d do or say anything.

  “Please, no.” I whimper as he rubs his hand down my arm. Instantly my aches are soothed.

  “Your mind says no but your body says something else.” He whispers. “I can help you; just by touching you. Let me take this away.”

  He rubs my arms and kisses my neck.

  “It’s so easy.” He whispers in my ear.

  I want the pain to stop. I want this feeling that he can give more than anything.

  “What do I have to do?” I whimper and he kisses me. I feel myself spiraling upwards.

  “Love me.” He pleads.

  “Yes.” Right now. I love him.

  “Commit yourself to be my mate. You will have no other except for me.”

  That’s basically marriage, I think to myself. Just yesterday I was angry because we weren’t married. Now…If I do this… maybe we will be. “Yes.” I whisper. I could stay with him forever. I cry for the joy of it. I feel like a girl who has just been given an engagement ring. I laugh aloud and he laughs with me. “Yes!” I tell him. “I will be yours!”

  His lips move along the base of my neck. I wait for him to bite me. I want him to do it.

  “One more thing.” He teases me as he moves me to face him. “Only one.”

  “Anything!” I beg him. I want it to be over with, this struggle. I don’t care if it’s painful, I don’t care about anything at this second, all I want is for him to make the longing go away.

  “Worship me.” He whispers in my ear. “Worship me.”

  I feel like cold water has been thrown over me. My eyes fly open and I wrench away, breaking his hold on me.

  “Worship you?” I can barely form the words.

  “Yes. Say that I will be your god. Give yourself to me. Body, mind and soul. It is the only way to make you mine.”

  As much as my body wants whatever it is he is doing to me, my mind and spirit rebel against him. No. There is only One God. I don’t know how much of a believer I was before this, but I know this to the core of my being.

  There is ONLY ONE GOD. And this thing that is with me is not HIM.

  “No.” It takes all the strength I have to form the word.

  “No?” He seems as surprised as I am. Suddenly the pleasure stops. The pain crashes back on me with such ferocity that it takes my breath.

  Josue’s scripture comes to my mind and before I can stop it, it comes out of my mouth.

  “Love the Lord your God and Him only shall you serve!”

  Doyle’s face shows shock and then horror. His eyes glow like the very fires of hell. His mouth opens to show a mouth full of pointed teeth. I don’t know if this is real or imaginary. I try to get away from him.

  “NEVER!” He screams at me “NEVER QUOTE SCRIPTURES TO ME!” He pulls away from me now, suddenly fully human and he hits me with all his might. He screams at me and hits me over and over.

  “YOU WILL WORSHIP ME!” I hear him scream from over me. It sounds like he’s still hitting me but I don’t feel it. He screams in some language I don’t understand. “YOU’RE MINE! DO YOU HEAR ME?” He says but he seems very far away.

  I won’t worship you. I say in my mind. “Away with you Satan!” I manage to say to him. “Love the Lord your God and Him only shall you serve!”

  He screams like he’s been shot.

  Before this I couldn’t imagine such pain. I pray that God will take my spirit. I ask forgiveness for whatever sins I’ve committed. Though I can’t remember them I know they were great. I had given myself to this monster. This thing. I don’t even know what he was. I ask God to take me. I was at the end of my life, surely. If you want me God. I pray. Forgive me and take me.

  I quote the only scriptures that I can remember. I don’t even know how I remember them.

  “The Lord is my Shepherd. He maketh me to lie down in Green pastures. He leadeth me beside the still waters….”

  I hear the sound of a fight, things breaking. Other noises I can’t identify. I fade away and think that this time I’m dead for sure but I’m not afraid.