The Life I Left Behind

  Chapter 18

  Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

  That saved a wretch like me.

  I once was lost but now am found,

  Was blind, but now I see.

  I hear the song that the old lady sang to me. Somewhere in the darkness I feel whisperings. Many voices speaking at once, a confusing mixture of tones and sounds. I can’t make out what any of them say but I know it is good. They soothe me; I float away on the strains of music.

  T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.

  And Grace, my fears relieved.

  How precious did that Grace appear

  The hour I first believed.

  I hear Doyle talking to someone. “Call Dr. Chambley. I don’t care. We’re losing her. Do what you have to do before it’s too late.”

  He wakes me. Not politely, he shakes me roughly and tells me to get dressed. I’m needed at the hospital.

  I crawl out of bed and dress. I feel like I’ve been beaten and then I remember that I have been. I hurt all over but I don’t feel the cravings like I did last night. I don’t want him. Something in me has broken. Something has changed. Could it be that God heard my prayers?

  Doyle meets me in the kitchen. He looks terrible and he glares at me like he could kill me. I remember Josue’s words. He can’t hurt you until he gets what he wants. Perhaps he is angry because he didn’t get what he wanted. Perhaps it’s because he can’t kill me. I don’t know.

  He looks a little worse for the wear too; a little like he’d been in a bar room brawl. I don’t remember fighting back. I wonder how he got this way.

  “Let’s go.” He growls and slaps on a pair of wraparound sunglasses. It’s late in the afternoon but not dark yet. It must be important if he wants me to go this early.

  I follow him meekly to the car. He doesn’t speak to me until we are down the mountain.

  “The woman in the coma is extremely sick.” He says flatly. “They want you to talk to the family.”

  I look out the window and feel like maybe she’s the lucky one. I close my eyes and rest my head against the passenger side window glass.

  I hear the words of the song again. They come from somewhere deep inside me.

  Through many dangers, toils and snares

  I have already come;

  'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far

  and Grace will lead me home

  We get to the hospital and there are several doctors and nurses and multiple members of the family in the room. The husband is there along with two little blonde haired children. Probably five or six years old, I don’t know. The little boy has a cowlick that stands straight up on the back of his head and he looks scared. The little girl is younger and has a head full of short corkscrew curls. She doesn’t seem to know what’s going on.

  “Why do you want me here?” I hiss at Doyle.

  “Dr. Chambley wants you to talk to them. They need you to convince them to turn off the machines.” He says with little emotion in his voice like he’s not talking about someone’s life.

  “I can’t do that.” I say as I look inside at the miserable husband.

  “You have to.” Another doctor I don’t recognize says gently. “She’s already gone, but they keep hoping for a miracle.”

  Doyle stares at me like he could kill me. I remember what he said about my encouraging them.

  I ignore him. I don’t care what he thinks or does anymore. Whatever connection, whatever feelings I had for him are gone at this point. “You caused this Andrea! You and your unrestrained optimism and blind faith! You should have been honest with them before. I told you that you gave them false hope. Don’t you think I know what’s best? I’m a doctor. ”

  You’re a devil. I want to retort but I keep my mouth shut.

  “Don’t be so hard on her Doyle.” The other doctor says. He’s a large man with a salt and pepper beard. He has a kind face and he touches my shoulder reassuringly. “She was trying to help them.” I give him a grateful look but he is not finished. “But as much as I hate it, he’s right. You can help this family and this woman by being honest. This could drag on for days, weeks. They already have depleted their savings and this is going to ruin them financially. The husband is talking about selling their house to pay the medical bills. I hate to see those children lose their home as well as their mother.”

  I look inside. The children pull at my heart and I can’t imagine what they must be going through. “Are you sure there’s no hope?” I ask the other doctor. I’ve lost all trust for the man I’d once called my husband. “Wouldn’t taking her off the machines be the same as killing her?”

  “No.” The doctor says gently. “It is only removing the artificial support. That’s all that is keeping her alive. There is no brain activity. In reality she is already dead; the family doesn’t want to acknowledge that. Go speak to them. Tell them she’s gone, that she’s not in pain and that they can let go.”

  I watch them, listening to the song on the CD player.

  Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

  And mortal life shall cease,

  I shall possess within the veil,

  A life of joy and peace.

  A life of joy and peace. I think to myself and that bolsters my courage enough to step inside.

  Matt, the husband is standing by her bed. His shoulders are slumped and he looks like he hasn’t slept since the accident. His eyes are red, his hair is disheveled, his clothes wrinkled and I know that he has not been home since she came here. He wipes his hand over several days’ growth of beard but he holds her hand gently.

  “They say she has no brain activity.” He says dully as if he is in a dream.

  I swallow back tears and place my hand on his arm gently. “I’m sorry Mr. Smith.”

  “They want me to pull the plug.” He whispers. “But I can’t. How can I? She’s my wife… I love her.” He looks down at her and pleads. “Please wake up honey.”

  I blink tears away and find my voice. “She can’t hear you.” I tell him just what the other doctor instructed me to say. “She’s… not there anymore. The person you love is gone… you should think about ending it.”

  I get chills. This sounds vaguely familiar. I have a feeling not unlike Déjà vu.

  He breaks down then and an older woman moves to his side to comfort him. I back away, my throat almost completely closed off from unshed tears. I pray that I did the right thing.

  Doyle meets me in the hall and I want to run away. He is obviously still angry with me, but he tries very hard to conceal his emotion. He falls into step beside me as I exit and he points angrily at the room. “This is you one day if you don’t host me! One day, you’ll die like this!”

  I stop walking and turn to him. “I’ll die either way Doyle.” I tell him. “My answer is no. What profit it a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?” I quote the second verse Josue gave me.

  Doyle flinches in anger. He seems barely able to control himself but I am not afraid of him.

  I hear the song playing softly in the room. He grimaces like the very words hurt him, like he’d like to throw the CD player out a window in a fit of rage. I find it comforting and somewhat fitting for them to play this particular song.

  The Lord has promised good to me.

  His word my hopes secures.

  He will my shield and portion be,

  As long as life endures.

  I hear muffled cries from inside. “Let’s walk.” He tells me and I nod. Let this family grieve in peace. We find a secluded corner in a waiting room and I fall into the first empty chair. He sits across from me and leans forward, holding his head in his hands for several minutes before he looks up at me. “Is this what you want to happen? Do you think this is what I want?”

  I shrug. The choice has been made.
I will not make him my god, even if it means putting off the inevitable for a hundred or more years.

  “I don’t want to lose you.” He whispers. “I love you.”

  Yes, I think to myself. It felt like you loved me last night when you hit me.

  “I’m so sorry about last night. Andrea, you’re only Human, you’re so weak and delicate. You don’t know what’s best for you.”

  “And you do?” I retort.

  He blinks several times and seems genuinely saddened by my distrust. “Yes, dear one. You have no idea the gift I offer… what some people would pay; and I would give it to you freely.”

  At what price, this free gift? My very soul. I remind myself, lest I be swayed again.

  “I have free will. I have made my choice.” I lift my chin defiantly. “Not even God will force us to love him.”

  “So…I’m just supposed to… watch you die?” He chokes out.

  “Yes. I suppose you will.”

  He wipes his eyes with his fingertips and at that moment his cell phone vibrates.

  “It’s time.” He tells me quietly.

  “Time for what?” I ask him but he doesn’t answer. He strides ahead of me back in the direction we came from, never once looking back. I follow him and find myself outside the door we just came from.

  “She’s dying.” He says unemotionally, almost like he’s angry. I can hear the people inside crying.

  “You need to go inside.” He tells me and despite my protests he pushes me through the door and into the midst of the room.

  “Why, Doyle?” I hiss. They’re in enough pain, I think to myself as he drags me inside. “Why are we here?” I whisper.

  “You need to say goodbye to your family, Andrea.”

  “What?” I breathe and he laughs wickedly. I try to shush him, incredulous at his lack of decorum. How could a doctor act like this? How could anyone? I look around the room but the family is far too distraught to notice us.

  “Your blue eyed friend was right, Andrea Bradley.” He laughs maniacally. “You’re not my wife…” He points at the man by the bed. “You’re his.”

  They all look at the lady in the bed. Her husband- Matt holds her hand and tells her good bye. He tells her he will take care of the kids. They’ll miss her but they’ll be all right. I feel tears spring to my eyes.

  “This isn’t funny.” I tell Doyle.

  “You stupid girl! Are you still so blind?” Doyle laughs at me. “Don’t you know I am? Can’t you see who’s in that bed? Go look!”

  Unsteadily I walk toward the bed. I look down at the lady, now freed from the lines and tubes and bandages. My own unseeing eyes stare back at me.

  I gasp and stumble back. No one looks at me. And it is at that moment that the curtain is pulled, or a light is turned on. I see my husband, Matt standing by the bed. He’s holding someone’s hand. No, not someone’s hand, he’s holding my hand! It can’t be! I look around at them. I scream at them. “I’m right here!” Can’t they see me? My mother and father are on the other side. My children are at the end by my feet.

  The monitor bleeps… Slows down…. Bleeps again….

  There isn’t another one. I hold my breath and wait for the next, willing her heart- my heart to beat again.

  Nothing.

  Matt howls in anguish, like a dying animal. It is the most gut wrenching cry I’ve ever heard. The children run from the chairs and wrap their hands around his waist, crying. The three of them collapse on the floor, hugging and crying.

  Behind me Doyle is laughing. “It’s not often one gets to witness their own death. Quite touching. Look at how much he loved you. Must make you feel good.”

  He wipes tears of laughter. “You’ve been right all along about not belonging to me.” He pauses and looks at the weeping family with a smile on his face. “You were right, I couldn’t hurt you. We are spirit, but we can suggest… The funny thing is that you did it. Poor ignorant girl. The irony. You convinced your husband to pull the plug…on yourself!”

  He laughs as I fall to the floor. My legs cannot hold me up.

  “Humans. So pitifully frail, and yet… He loves you so.” He spits at me as he pulls me to my feet. “That the very creator and sustainer of the universe would put his spirit inside such filth,” He marvels. “It is beyond me.”

  He kisses me, and I try to wrench away. “How we want you, desire you… Humans… weak and pitiful… so easy to deceive… so easy to destroy.”

  I become aware of my family crying, screaming and I try to run to them but he holds me back. “Say goodbye Andrea.” He pulls me by my arm and I struggle to get away from him.

  “You wouldn’t worship me. If I could have deceived you perhaps I would have let you live a while longer.” He growls and his voice doesn’t even sound human anymore. “It doesn’t matter. It was all a lie anyway. Every word of it. It was just a story I wove in your mind.” I look back at him and there is a hint of familiarity. My skin crawls. I know him; I’ve heard his voice before.

  Who is he?

  He laughs. “Don’t you know me my love?” He asks at my confused expression. “You don’t? I’ve been with you… since you took your first breath.”

  I pull from him but he holds me and I cannot move. “My name is Deception and I’ve watched over you, guided you. I was there when you took your first breath, your first step…I was there when you ate of the fruit and how sweet it was…”

  “Fruit?” What was he talking about?

  “The fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. You thought we left that in the Garden but every human must eat of it. We are here to ensure that you do.

  “I was there with you when you listened to me instead of Him. When you took the candy from the counter and nobody was looking. You knew it was wrong, and your mother called it stealing. But you wanted it and you took it and that was when you became mine. You became my lover, I lied to you, told you stories, fed your desires and you loved me more than Him…He gave you free will, and He will wait for you, woo you, pursue you, love you. He is foolish. We are wise. We know that the human heart is selfish and all we have to do is deceive. So, my little one, I led you, whispered in your ear, tempted you and you listened to me. I was the one who told you to gossip about your friend in high school. She never forgave you. I convinced you that you hated your mother and your relationship was never the same. I told you to give in to your passion for a complete stranger on the Metro and I laughed when Matt found out.”

  I looked down at Matt, shaking and crying on the floor. My heart squeezed painfully at the knowledge of how I’d hurt him.

  “It hurt him so badly. Poor, stupid oaf, but that was nothing compared to when he found out you were unfaithful again… and you left him there at that church parking lot… You want to change it but you can’t.” He smiles in triumph, savoring my pain as though he can taste it. “He’ll never know you’re sorry now; you’re dying.” He points at the three on the floor and I want to run to them, to apologize, to beg forgiveness. “Oh, no you don’t!” Doyle shakes his finger at me like a naughty child. “You chose this. You chose me. You’ve caused enough problems. I could lie to you like Matt, but I don’t have to. The truth is so much more satisfying! No matter what he just told you -Matt will never really recover. The children, poor children will have to live with the fact that their mother died on her way to meet her lover. They’re too young to understand now of course, but you know how ‘good Christian’ people love to talk. They’ll be haunted for the rest of their lives by your abandonment. You’ll be tormented by what you’ve done and therefore I will feast on that torment for a thousand generations!”

  His fingers grip my arm. I look down at his hand. It resembles a reptile’s claw more than a human hand. I look back up at Doyle and the handsome man that I walked in with has been replaced by somethi
ng I can’t even describe. He looks more reptilian than human; there are horns all over his face, poking out through a tattered black robe. His eyes glow like they did last night; his teeth are pointed like a wolf’s.

  “Don’t be dismayed, my beloved. This is my true form. Do you find it pleasing?” He laughs as he pulls me close to him and I gag and fight to get away. He smells like death, sulfur, and more foul things than I can describe. “Don’t worry, little one, you will have an eternity to become accustomed to my true form. “No!” I hiss but he only laughs.

  “You have chosen me. I will find great pleasure in your pain! ”

  Amazingly, I’m not afraid. I know it’s not true. I look up and in the hall I see a familiar figure step into my line of sight.

  Josue! My heart leaps in my chest. He has come for me! I pull away and try to reach for him. Doyle… the thing that I thought was Doyle howls and claws at me. “What are you doing? You’re mine!”

  “No!” I breathe. “I choose God. I still have a choice.”

  “Not anymore. You’re dead. ”

  But that’s not exactly true. There are still sporadic bleeps on the screen. I’m alive. Maybe for only seconds but I am alive.

  I choose God. I asked him to forgive me last night. No. Wait. I remember. I chose God when I was ten years old. At Bethany Baptist Church.

  But I slipped away.

  Why did I ever slip away?

  “I chose God!” I tell him, this time with force.

  “That’s not true!” Doyle howls behind me. “You left that behind! It didn’t take!” His claws cut my arm but at that moment another hand holds on to mine. Things seem to swirl around me, like things going down a bathtub drain. I hear screams, cries and howls that words are powerless to describe.

  “Don’t let me go!” I cry out to Josue.

  He laughs. “No one can pull you from my hand.” He says calmly, like he does this every day. Like he does this every day and I’m not about to be pulled into the depths of hell itself.

  I struggle to look up at him but can see nothing but my whipping curls and some sort of strange mist. My other arm feels like it is going to be torn away but Josue’s hand holds me like it is made of rock.

  The combined forces of death and destruction heave and strain but they cannot pull me down. I hold to his hand as the world swirls away behind me like I am caught in a whirlpool but I am not swayed. His hand is steady; I am not dropped and it is then that I begin to realize that the thing that holds me there is more powerful than evil. It is older than death, more terrifying than the grave. It is fearsome and beautiful, the single most powerful force in the universe. I know that it is the same force that holds the planets in place; the same force that kept the incorruptible on a cross; the very same force that is holding my hand. It is the very power of creation that holds me in place.

  It is Love.

  Before this I thought love was a feeling. It was butterflies in my stomach, sweet words whispered in the dark and night-night kisses before bed. Love was fluffy and warm and sweet and wonderful.

  I never thought it was strong.

  Love. I know now that it is the strongest force in the universe- it is God. It was, it is and it always will be the very essence of God himself. It is more powerful than a hurricane, more consuming than a raging fire. It sweeps over me with the ferocity of a deluge but I am neither harmed nor afraid. It washes everything away and nothing I have ever experienced compares with this.

  Love.

  I realize for the first time that the stories I’ve always heard were true. The times they said the Christians sang praises as lions tore at them or flames consumed their bodies. They did not feel it because they were holding to the same hand that holds mine.

  Death and Hell pass beneath me with a fury that I cannot feel- I am held steadfastly in this cocoon of love until with one final horrific cry I feel myself released. I reach up with my other hand, not fully expecting to have an arm at all. Instead I see three deep red cuts where the monster’s nails cut me.

  I feel that hand lift me up as things around me dissipate and everything fades except for brightness. There is nothing around me but whiteness, like a blank sheet of paper. It reminds me of the cartoons where the characters are alone on an un-illustrated page.

  I look up and I see the strong brown hand and my eyes rest on the ugly red and white puckered scar that identifies Him as who He is. I fall to my feet and I bow before love personified; God in the form of a man. I cannot move, I cannot speak, and I cannot lift my head because I realize how unworthy I am. I cover my face and I am filled with sadness and fear. That scar is there because of me.

  I put it there.

  And then I ran from him.

  All along I thought that the man in white was my husband. I know He is the One I left behind. Now I know that the man in white; the one who has been reaching for me isn’t a man at all. I know that He has been pursuing me, reaching out for me and I have run from Him at every turn. He has been holding out His Hand to me this whole time, and finally, finally I have reached for Him. His Hand now holds mine and I know how much my rebellion cost Him: His very life. I want to weep, my soul is filled with more sorrow than I ever thought possible. I could flood the world with my tears but a gentle voice speaks my name and causes my heart to soar.

  “Come child.” The voice that spoke the worlds into existence calms me and His Hand gently pulls mine away from my face. I look down because I know what I am and I fear Him. I am astonished to see that I am wearing all white. It is reminiscent of that lacy Sunday dress I wore as a girl. He gently helps me to my feet and wipes my cheeks with his fingers. “Come now, my beloved. There are no tears here.”

  I am almost afraid to lift my eyes to his. I know I am not worthy ever to look upon Him, but he knows my every thought and he leans close to me and whispers: “My love has made you worthy.” He bids me look into His Face and at last I smile. It is the face I have longed to see my whole life. I know this face, but then I forgot it. He is the same, but different. It is a face I have been longing to see my whole life and He is so different from what I had imagined. He is so much better, so much more than what I thought He was. He had told me he had many names. I had called him Josue, my friend. He was also the Firstborn of Creation, the Bright and Morning Star. He is the One who saw me and reached out for me. The one who Saved me.

  The Man in White.

  He is everything good. Everything pure. Everything right. He is my heart, my very existence in this place. He is my very breath, my every thought. Everything I hold dear to my soul.

  He is love.

  And He loves me. I cannot explain it nor does it make any sense; I cannot fathom the love of One who would die for someone as worthless as I.

  He smiles at me. “Well done. I knew you would make the right choice.” He laughs again and that laughter makes me want to soar, to dance, to run free like a little child. It is the sound of a million children laughing, the sound of sunlight and wind and a tender touch. He shakes his head like he did that day at the coffee shop and his curls bob gently. “But you certainly took your time.”

  He guides me by my hand. He is leading me. Somewhere. I can’t tell where, nor do I care. I’ll go with Him anywhere. Anywhere He is- will be my home. I want to go with Him. I want to stay with Him. I never want to leave Him. All of my self-absorption has been shucked away like an old coat, and for once I can feel his love for me.

  He looks at me with such love. After everything I have done, I would have never have believed it was possible. I never want to stop looking at him. He is beautiful and just like the day at the coffee shop, I can’t stop smiling.

  Why couldn’t I see who He was? How was I that blind? I laugh at my stupidity, now that everything has been revealed it was so easy… why didn’t I realize it before?

  I lo
ok around. We’re in a garden, it is familiar, but I know I’ve never been here before. It’s more beautiful here than any artist could paint, or the most skilled storyteller could imagine. Things here seem to glow with their own light. Then I realize that it’s His light. It’s the place I’ve always longed for but could never imagine. I smile and I know that I am home.

  “Do you understand now?” He asks me gently and I know he meant the accident. “Why I had to do it?”

  “Yes.” I tell him. If he had not stood in my way that night I might have never come back to Him. “To bring me back to you.”

  “Yes, my love.” He says and my heart thrills at His words.

  “I have to ask.” I say and I feel foolish. “Why a Janitor? Why not a doctor?”

  He laughs at me. “You didn’t need a doctor. You needed someone to help you clean up your mess.”

  In my memory I hear the anguished cries of my family and I am reminded of what I have done to them. It is too difficult for words.

  I swallow and I am ashamed again. I remember it all now. There was a Doyle Connelly- though this one had been more fantasy than reality. I had met him in Paris and I was unfaithful to my fiancé with him. I left him and never told anyone what I had done until it came to light on our wedding night. It broke my husband’s heart but he forgave me. I lied and said he gave me a drug and then took advantage of me. I didn’t tell him it was all my idea. I wanted to have a fling with a handsome stranger. I promised I’d never be unfaithful again; but that wasn’t completely true. For a long time I buried it away and pretended it didn’t exist but I never dealt with it. I never asked forgiveness from God. That one act was my secret passion- the one I indulged in with every lewd romance novel or dirty movie. I never told Matt because I wasn’t really being unfaithful. It spiced up our love live- pretending he was someone else…. He never knew and we were happy.

  Then came real life with two children we planned for and another we didn’t. He was born too early and he went on to the other life and I felt like I was being punished for my secret sins. I stopped believing in God and I stopped loving my husband because he had faith and I didn’t. I wanted to hurt him for being so faithful, so forgiving. I wanted to hurt God because He could have saved the baby but he didn’t. I wanted to hurt everyone, so I got on the internet and I looked up Doyle Connelly.

  It started with a fantasy and progressed to emails and calls until I had decided I had enough of my old life and I wanted a new one. With Doyle. I was going to meet him that night but I never made it. The car went into the river. I know the apparition I saw in the road that night was meant to stop me. I know He loved me and did what it took to save my soul. I was going to leave my husband, my children. I was going to leave them all broken hearted and alone.

  For what?

  For excitement? For the thrill of something new? For sex? For money? For the sake of rebellion? Because I was unhappy but too lazy to try to work things out? Because I was angry with God? I have no idea. What was I thinking?

  It was like I was someone else.

  I suppose, I was. I am different now.

  I know the past few weeks were not real at all, only a lie made up by the king of liars. I recalled the house I passed on my way to work each morning; wishing I had some other life. I remember the vampire books Matt scolded me for reading, the fashion model I yearned to look like. The man I held in my secret fantasies all these years. It was all a trick; the sad thing was that it didn’t take a very creative lie to suck me in.

  I teetered on the edge of giving up my very soul because I was angry at God that night I ran away and left my other life in that parking lot. My family was more faithful than I deserved. I know it was their prayers that pulled me out of the jaws of hell.

  Their prayers and a God who loved me enough to stand in the middle of a mountain road that night. A God who loved me enough to continue reaching out even when I turn my back on Him.

  “Tell them I’m sorry.” I choke out.

  He smiles at me sadly.

  I’ve messed up so many things. I want to cry but I know there are no more tears. “I made a very big mess, didn’t I?”

  “Very big indeed. However, you have someone who can help you clean up.”

  I laugh, “Josue, the Janitor? But what can we do now? It’s all over.”

  “Not yet. Do you not know that I delight in second chances? It’s time to go. But you know where to find me.” He kisses my cheek.

  Oh, He wants me to leave? But I don’t want to go! I love my family, and I want to make things right but… to leave this? No, I do not want to leave Him, the shelter of His Love. This is worse than death, leaving Him. I want to beg Him to stay, but I know I have to make things right.

  “Don’t worry.” He tells me as he holds my hand. “Once you took it, no one can pull you from my hand.”

  “I know.” I tell him as I float away. I still feel the presence of His strong Hand in mine.

  I hear someone far away.

  “Andrea!”

  Not the same voice but familiar just the same.

  “Andrea.”

  That’s when I remember my name. I had a different one just a minute ago. Josue called me something… else… oh, I can’t remember…

  “Andrea! Wake up!”

  Where am I?

  I open my eyes.

  People are crowded around me. For a second, I don’t know where I am, or who is talking to me. Where am I? I was just with Josue in a garden…but that was a lifetime ago… no… only seconds… Where am I?

  I feel like I’ve been lost for a very long time and have finally found my way home. I look up and see Matt. Dear sweet Matthew! It seems like a million years since I looked at him last! I want to run my hand through his dark hair, to rub his handsome face and feel the days’ worth of stubble on my fingers but he’s holding to my hand too tightly. I feel like I’ve just come home, but I don’t know where I’ve been. I gaze into his brown eyes and I think he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. The last thing I remember is leaving him at the church. I struggle to sit, but I’m held down by something.

  “Matt.” I croak. My throat feels like I’ve swallowed a porcupine. “What happened?”

  He laughs aloud. “She’s okay!” He screams out. Other people gather around. An old bald Doctor leans over me and screams at me like I’m deaf.

  “Mrs. Smith! Do you know where you are?”

  “Hospital.” I croak.

  “Do you know how you got here?” They ask me.

  “I went in the water.” I say.

  They are all looking at me in amazement. I’m on center stage. I wonder if this is how a baby feels being born.

  “Good Lord have mercy!” Matt wipes his hand over his face in relief. For the first time I realize that he is trembling. “I thought I lost you!” He grips my hand until I think he will break it.

  “We did.” I hear a Doctor say somewhere in the room. “For a whole two minutes she was gone before we got her back.” He chuckles. “Must not have been her time.”

  The doctor leans over me. “If it hadn’t been for your husband, you’d be dead for sure.” He gives me a lecturing stare. “If he hadn’t gone in after you, you’d have drowned in your car.”

  I wonder why he thinks now is an appropriate time for a safe driving lecture.

  “How?” I whisper. I remember leaving him in the parking lot.

  “I followed you.” He whispered. “I wasn’t about to let you go without a fight.”

  He followed me after I’d just told him I’d been cheating on him? He pulled me out of the water after that? Oh God, how I love this man!

  “But it’s been weeks…” I start.

  He shakes his head. “No baby. It was two days ago. You’ve been unconscious but all of a sudden- a few minutes ago…” His voice cracks
and he can’t talk.

  “Your heart stopped. For two minutes.” The bald doctor says flatly. Talk about a bedside manner. I will never get used to the way some doctors talk about their patients like they’re changing the oil on someone’s car.

  “Why?” I croak. What had Doyle said in my dream? We lost you for two whole minutes?

  “No idea.” The doctor says. “We’ll be running some tests so you might as well get used to the idea of being here for a few days.”

  “Where are the kids?” I try to sit up suddenly aware that I have children and I have no idea where they are.

  “In the waiting room. They’ve been here the whole time.” He laughs. “Nana and papa too.”

  “For two days?” I repeat. The two of them in the waiting room for two days? Nana must be a basket case by now. “What have they been doing?”

  “No.” He waves his hands. “They were good. Really worried about you is all. They’d come see you every chance they got. Um… Nana’s been singing to you.”

  I don’t have to be told which song.

  “Lucy has been trying to wake you. Jesse… we’ll he’s been playing his D.S.”

  Super Mario Brothers. I don’t have to be told that either.

  “And you’ve been praying for me.” I say.

  He grins sheepishly. “I never stopped.”

  “I know.” I whisper and my eyes rest on the teddy bear holding a rose. It looks vaguely familiar; like I’ve seen it a long time ago. “I heard you. Matt. I want to start over.”

  “With your doctor friend.” He looks dejected and his voice trembles when he speaks.

  I shake my head. “No. With you.” I whisper and his eyes meet mine. For a second he seems unable to believe me. “If you’ll have me. I never loved him. I was just angry… about the baby.” I try to wipe the tears that spill down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I never meant the things I said. I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to hurt God. I was so angry with Him.”

  “I know.” He says.

  “But I’m not anymore. He saved me, Matt. You saved me. I’m different now.”

  “I know.” He says again and he kisses me.

  I hear the words to the song again- the third verse. I never much cared for it until now, but at this moment it has a new meaning. The words give me a joy I cannot contain. It wells up within me until I want to soar.

  Through many dangers, toils and snares

  I have already come;

  'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far

  and Grace will lead me home.