Trusting You and Other Lies

  With Callum gone, the room grew quiet. I swallowed and looked up at Harry. He was sitting on the edge of an exam table, his wrist bandaged, and he was staring at the floor, swinging his legs, waiting.

  I didn’t have a clue what I’d say when I finally got to see him, so I went with what came naturally.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, rushing toward him. I was crying. “I’m so sorry, Harry. I never should have turned onto a trail I wasn’t familiar with. I should have stuck with the plan and not been a stupid, stupid idiot.” I crashed down onto the spot beside him and wrapped both arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder. I was still crying. I didn’t think Harry had ever seen me cry before. “I’m sorry you crashed, and I’m sorry you got hurt, and I’m sorry you’re in this emergency room, and I’m sorry I’m such an irresponsible disaster of a sister.” I paused long enough to sniff and catch my breath. “And I’m sorry I’m getting tears and snot all over your favorite T-shirt.”

  Harry wound his arm around me. He patted it. Gently. Like he was trying to comfort me. “It’s okay, Phoenix. I’m okay,” he said. “You’re not a disaster of a sister, either. You’re, like, the best sister ever.”

  That made my soft cries turn into sobs. Harry’s pats became harder the louder I cried. “Why are you crying? I’m okay. Better than okay because I got a cool bandage out of the deal.” Harry raised his bandaged wrist in front of me, which, of course, made me cry even harder. “Major bragging rights.”

  “I’m supposed to take care of you, not send you crashing down a steep trail you shouldn’t have been on in the first place.”

  “You didn’t know that was going to happen.” Harry’s shoulders lifted.

  “But you trusted me. And I totally crapped all over that.” I wiped my face off with the back of my arm.

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “Yes, I did,” I argued.

  “No. You didn’t.”

  I closed my eyes and held him tight. I knew we’d been lucky today. Things could have ended so much worse than one sprained wrist. The bike and ground had taken most of the damage, but next time Harry might not be so lucky.

  “Yes. I did. You’re never going to trust me again. And I don’t blame you for it, either.”

  Harry stopped patting my back, but he left his arm where it was. “What do you mean? You’re my sister. Of course I still trust you.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course. You’re my big sister. So that’s, like, a get-out-of-jail-free card.”

  I heard the even heel strikes step through the door, but I didn’t pull away from Harry. I wasn’t ready to get a lecture from Mom on responsibility yet. I was just waiting for her to go bad cop on me, but instead, she sighed. The mostly tired, relieved-sounding kind.

  “Mind if I wiggle in there?” She wound her own arms around Harry and me and held us tight.

  “I love you.” Her whisper was kind of broken, but her arms tightened again.

  After shaking off the surprise of hearing those three words come from Mom, I added, “I love you, too, Harry.” I tried to wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt so she wouldn’t see I’d been crying.

  “I was including you in that, you know, Phoenix.” Mom’s hand combed through my ponytail. She hadn’t done that in years. “I love you, too.”

  Harry was grinning, like this was some kind of fun family reunion at an amusement park. He didn’t notice or get that Mom and I were teary. “I love you,” he chimed in, then paused. “Just in case either of you are wondering, I meant that for you both.” His legs started swinging from the exam table. He was getting antsy, ready to get out of there.

  “I love you,” I whispered. When I glanced over at Mom, it was like I was seeing the real person that I’d been missing. Or maybe she’d been there the whole time—she’d just been in hiding. “Both,” I added.

  When she smiled, I did the very un-teenage-daughter thing to do. I smiled back.

  I waited until Harry was asleep before sneaking out. I didn’t notice the small table lamp burning on the kitchen table until my hand was on the front door.

  “Where are you off to at this hour?” Mom twisted around in her chair and lowered her reading glasses down her nose. She quickly gathered the papers on the table and stuffed them into a folder before I could get close enough to see what she was working on.

  “Studying.” I turned around so she could see my backpack. It was full with books and everything…not that I was planning on getting much studying done tonight. I had something else more important to do tonight. Like confront Callum.

  “And this requires you to leave the cabin at”—Mom turned her wrist so she could check her slim silver watch—“ten-thirty at night?”

  “I’m studying with someone. You know, a study session.” I hoped my face matched my voice—innocent.

  “Who’s this ‘study session’ with?”

  I licked my lips, stalling.

  “It’s Callum, isn’t it?” Mom added a second later.

  I looked away and shrugged. “Yeah. So?”

  Mom turned around in her chair until she was almost facing me. “So…I’m wondering if it might be a better idea if he came here to study.”

  My skin started to prickle. “I’m just meeting him over at the staff cabins. Outside at a picnic bench. Not in his cabin doing…whatever you think we might be doing.”

  “If I was worried about that, I’d be locking you in your room instead of having a constructive conversation and thinking about letting you go.”

  I half groaned, half exhaled. “Mom…”

  “I’ve noticed the way you are around him, Phoenix.” Her voice was still in control. “And I’ve noticed the way he is around you.”

  I stopped. “What do you mean? How he is around me?” I was fishing, but I wanted to know if I wasn’t the only one who’d noticed that the way Callum was with me was different from the way he was with others.

  Mom blinked at me like she couldn’t believe I was asking for an explanation. “It’s the way you two can be in opposite corners of the dining hall but seem to know exactly where the other is. Or it’s the way I’ve seen him watching you when you’re talking with another guy, the same way you watch him when another girl approaches him.”

  I was shocked by Mom’s transformation. How could someone who last spring had been too distracted to notice I’d dyed my hair blue with Kool-Aid after our track team won regionals now pick up on the way Callum and I were around each other?

  We hadn’t been obvious; at least I didn’t think we had. I couldn’t believe the queen of oblivious had figured us out.

  “Listen…Mom…,” I started, no clue what to say next.

  “I’m not looking for an explanation or a confirmation or a denial.” She shook her head once. “I just want you to know that I’ve noticed something between you two, and that I’m hoping you’ll think about what you’re doing before getting any deeper. At the end of the summer, you’re parting ways. Remember that when you feel those butterflies.”

  I wanted to mention about the furthest we’d gone were a few innocent nudges and hand brushes. I looked away and put my hand on the door. “Okay” was all I said, but I was thinking a lot more. I was thinking about just how right she was and that maybe before Callum and I took that next step, maybe I or he or both should hit the brakes and barricade ourselves in friend territory. We lived different lives. We lived in different parts of the state. We had different plans for the future….Well, one of us had plans while the other had question marks.

  “Do you mind if I take off? I really need all the time I can get to study.” Right before she was about to answer, I added, “And I promise I’ll give some thought to the deeper-waters thing, okay?”

  Mom started to smile. “You’re a smart girl—I know you will, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I at least didn’t bring it up. Oh, and Phoenix? I’d like to talk with you about some other things.”

  Talk about some things. I knew to most kids, those words
were like the kiss of death. Especially coming from a parent’s mouth. For some reason, instead of feeling like a cornered cat, my whole body relaxed.

  “Harry too?” I asked.

  “I think just you for now.”

  “Harry’s a part of the family. He deserves to know what’s going on.”

  Mom thought about that for a few seconds and sighed. “Harry too.”

  “I’m working late tomorrow night, but how about the night after? My shift ends at five, I think. Maybe after dinner?” I felt weird talking to my mom like this, like we were comparing calendars and trying to pencil each other in.

  “Works for me.” She waved at me before sliding into her seat. “Don’t stay out too late.”

  I hustled across camp with my backpack thumping against me. I figured the quicker I got there, the less time in between I had to change my mind. As expected, Callum was camped at the same picnic table, a stack of study guides spread out around him. Either he was really focused or he was keeping up the Phoenix-doesn’t-exist act. My money was on the latter.

  “Is this really your plan? To ignore me the rest of the summer?” I started, moving a few steps closer.

  I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. He stayed frozen. His shoulders might have tensed up some, but that was it.

  “How’s the studying going?” I glanced down at what he was working on, but he slammed his book closed. “Was that a reaction? To something I just said?”

  His response to that was stacking his books and packing them. He was going to get up and walk away. I didn’t know what I’d been expecting, but not this. Not him bailing before I had a chance to apologize and attempt an explanation.

  “Listen, Callum, I’m sorry,” I said, throwing my backpack onto the table because it suddenly felt too heavy to handle. “I know I screwed up and I know I let you down and I know I probably deserve to be ignored, but I really just need you to know that I’m sorry, okay?”

  I felt like I was talking to a wall for all the reaction I got. It had been easier when he’d been sitting; it was harder to face him at eye level.

  “Just what exactly are you sorry for?” he asked coolly. “That you didn’t do what you were supposed to or because your brother got hurt because of that?”

  I swallowed. “Both.”

  “Yeah, well, sorry if I find that hard to believe. You’ve spent the summer trying to prove you know best.” Callum shrugged out of his flannel shirt and tossed it down on the bench. He was getting fired up, but at least he was talking to me.

  “I am sorry.” I threw my arms in the air. “I don’t have an excuse, and I don’t have a good reason for doing what I did. I’m sorry.”

  He pinched the bridge of his nose like I was giving him a headache. “Why didn’t you follow the route you were supposed to take?”

  How many times had I asked myself that same question in the last six hours?

  “I don’t know. Because I didn’t.” I dropped onto the bench because standing was a chore. “I let stuff get to me I shouldn’t have. I didn’t think it would be that dangerous. I made a mistake. I’m human. It happens.”

  He huffed under his breath. “You make a lot of mistakes.”

  I lifted my shoulders. “I’m really good at the human thing.”

  “How can I ever trust you again after this? First the permission slip lie? Now this? These are big things, Phoenix. I need to know that someone else isn’t going to get hurt because you decide to do your own thing. I need to be able to trust you out there. And you need to be able to trust that Ben and I know what we’re doing when we put together these activities.”

  “The honest answer is that you can’t,” I half shouted. “It’s not like I’m trying to screw up. It just happens. I made a mistake and I’m sorry. I’ll try harder next time.”

  “When Evan told me what trail you took off on”—Callum shook his head—“I couldn’t believe it.”

  “Why not?” I said, blinking.

  “I fractured a couple of ribs going down that trail two summers ago. And I knew what I was doing. Thinking of you on it…” He cut himself short and turned away so his back was facing me.

  I raised my hands up on the picnic table, reeling. “You were worried about me?”

  “Of course I was worried about you. I worry about all the counselors. Just like I worry about all the campers.” He shrugged like it was no big deal, but his face gave him away.

  “Yeah, but you didn’t mention anything about those campers or the other counselors just now. You said when you thought about me”—I stuck my thumb into my chest—“on the trail. You didn’t bring up anybody else.”

  His shoulders tensed. “You’re splitting hairs.” He was trying hard not to make eye contact.

  “Why can’t you look at me?” I asked, stepping around the end of the picnic bench.

  “I can look at you just fine. I’m just choosing not to.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Fine. Why are you choosing not to look at me?”

  His neck cracked when he rolled it around. “Because you’re driving me crazy, Phoenix.” His voice was strained. “One minute you’re teasing me about keeping up during morning runs, and the next you’re leading a bunch of inexperienced riders down Suicide Trail. You’re helping me with these damn study guides and then you’re ignoring me in the hospital like I’m not even there.”

  “Wait.” I lifted my hand “Nice try, but that was you who ignored me in the hospital.”

  “I was only following your lead. You were the one who walked into that room and pretended I didn’t exist.” That was when he slipped and finally looked at me. “I’m so angry at you right now—I’m so not in control of my emotions—I might kiss you….” The skin between his brows was lined deeper than I’d ever seen it. “And that’s the problem. Phoenix. I can’t kiss you.”

  “Why not? I like you, Callum, and now I know you like me, too.” Yeah, because that made everything so much easier. Or not.

  “You shouldn’t.” He shook his head and ground his jaw. “We can’t both like each other or else it’s going to be impossible for me to keep this up.”

  My heart was beating so hard. “Keep what up?”

  “Pretending I don’t feel anything for you. I can’t keep that up if I know you feel the same way.” I moved fast, and before he could lunge out of bounds, my hand found his wrist and wound around it.

  When I moved closer, sliding my hand down his wrist until our fingers were knotting together, he closed his eyes. “Don’t.”

  I was close enough I could smell whatever he’d used to wash his hair, mixed with the outdoors that seemed to cling to him no matter what time of day. Fresh and musky. Clean and earthy. “Why not?” I asked, almost in a whisper. You know, in case any of the trees were eavesdropping.

  “Because you’re going so many places. Fast. And I’m going maybe a couple of places. Real slow.” His eyes were squinted shut, but his fingers were tightening around mine. Why was the thought of us so hard for him to consider?

  “I’m not worried about places right now.” I pressed my other hand to his chest, testing to see if that was okay. He didn’t flinch but instead seemed to melt into me a little.

  “You should be.”

  I sucked in a breath. “If you’re not going to kiss me…” I paused and bit my lower lip, studying his at the same time, wondering what it would feel like moving against mine. “I’m going to kiss you.”

  Under my hand, Callum’s chest started moving faster. I hadn’t seen him breathe this hard even after a strong sprint finish. “Don’t.”

  I smiled, knowing that for once, I’d won an argument between us. I moved closer, until our bodies were almost touching. Close enough, I could feel the warmth coming off him. “Can’t stop me.”

  That was when he finally opened his eyes. The conflict was gone from them. “I know.” He tugged me a little closer with his hand. And now our bodies were totally up against each other.

  My fingers curled into his chest,
gripping a handful of his shirt. I had a seriously strong urge to tug it off, but I beat my hormones back. For now. Kissing first. Shirt maneuvering later.

  He pressed into me a little harder, just enough I fell back a couple of steps until I felt the edge of the picnic table bump against me. This was it. We were going to kiss. Finally. After weeks of flirting and dodging, grinning and glaring, we were taking the leap.

  When he stayed like that for another minute, watching me as if he was waiting for something, I tipped my head. “What?” I asked, because I thought I’d made it pretty damn glaringly obvious that he could kiss me.

  When his gaze dropped to my mouth, his eyes went a little darker. “You made me a promise. I’m just waiting for you to pay up.”

  My stomach fluttered a few times and before I could second-guess myself, I pressed up on my tiptoes, pulled him closer with the grip I had on his shirt, and stared right into his eyes as my mouth moved toward his. He didn’t blink.

  His lips felt hard at first, almost unyielding, but they thawed a whole second after mine touched them. I watched his eyes close before mine followed, and then I kissed him.

  I kissed Callum O’Connor. Soft and sweet, even a little unsure.

  Finally.

  And then he kissed me back. Hard and lingering, like he’d never been so sure of anything before.

  His hand found my waist, and his arm slid around it as his body kept mine pinned against the picnic bench. He tasted like sunshine and a storm, and he kissed as though we had forever and had run out of time.

  He kissed me like I’d wanted to be kissed my whole entire life—like I was everything.

  I spent the rest of the night thinking about the kiss. What night was left after we finished the actual kissing. Which wasn’t much.

  Eventually, we got to studying. For a while. Before getting back to the kissing part. I wasn’t sure how we were going to figure out how to study together now that we’d officially crossed (slash catapulted) over the line, but we’d have to figure it out because I might have liked kissing Callum, but I also needed to score well on my SATs.