Obryv. English

  CHAPTER XXVII

  Raisky found himself between two fires. On the one hand, TatianaMarkovna looked at him as much as to say that he probably knew what wasthe matter with Vera, while Vera's despairing glance betrayed heranxiety for the moment of her confession. He himself would have liked tohave sunk into the earth. Tushin looked in an extraordinary manner atVera, as both Tatiana Markovna and Raisky, but most of all Vera herself,noticed. She was terrified, and asked herself whether he had heard anyrumour. He esteemed her so highly, thought her the noblest woman in theworld, and, if she were silent, she would be accepting his esteem onfalse premisses. He, too, would have to be told, she thought. Sheexchanged greetings with him without meeting his eyes; and he lookedstrangely at her, timidly and sympathetically. Vera told herself thatshe must know what was in his mind, that if he looked at her again likethat she would collapse. He did look at her again, and she could endureno more and left the company. Before she went she signed secretly toTushin to follow her.

  "I cannot receive you in the old house," she said, "Come into theavenue."

  "Is it not too damp, as you are not well?"

  "That does not matter," she said.

  He looked at his watch and said that he would be going in an hour. Aftergiving orders to have his horses taken out of the stable and broughtinto the yard, he picked up his silver-handled whip and with his cloakon his arm followed Vera into the avenue. "I will not beat about thebush," he said. "What is the matter with you to-day? You have somethingon your mind."

  She wrapped her face in her mantilla as she spoke, and her shouldersshivered as if with cold. She dare not raise her eyes to him as hestrode silently beside her.

  "But you are ill, Vera Vassilievna. I had better talk to you anothertime. You were not wrong in thinking I had something to say to you."

  "No, Ivan Ivanovich, let it be to-day. I want to know what you have tosay to me. I myself wanted to talk to you, but perhaps it is too latefor what I have to say. Do you speak," she said, wondering painfully howand where he could have learnt her secret.

  "I came here to-day...." he said as they sat down on the bench.

  "What have you to say to me? Speak!" she interrupted.

  "How can I say it to you now, Vera Vassilievna?" said Tushin springingto his feet.

  "Do not make me suffer," she murmured.

  "I love you...."

  "Yes, I know it," she interrupted. "But what have you heard?"

  "I have heard nothing," he said, looking round in amazement. He was nowfor the first time aware of her agitation, and his heart stood stillwith delight. She has guessed my secret and shares my feelings, hethought, and what she is asking, is for a frank, brief avowal. "You areso noble, so beautiful, Vera Vassilievna, so pure...." An exclamationwas wrung from her, and she would have risen, but could not.

  "You mock me, you mock me," she said, raising her hands beseechingly.

  "You are ill, Vera Vassilievna," he said, looking at her in terror."Forgive me for having spoken to you at such a time."

  "A day earlier or later makes no difference. Say what you have to say,for I also desire to tell you why I have brought you here."

  "Is it really true?" he cried, hardly knowing how to contain his delight.

  "What is true? You want to say something else, not what I expected," shesaid. "Speak, and do not prolong my sufferings."

  "I love you," he repeated. "If you can grant what I have confessed toyou (and I am not worthy of it), if your love is not given elsewhere,then be my forest queen, my wife, and there will be no happier man onearth than I. That is what I have long wished to say to you and have notdared. I should have done it on your nameday but I could no longerendure the suspense, and have come to-day, on the family festival, onyour sister's birthday."

  "Ivan Ivanovich," she moaned. The thought flashed through his head likelightning that this was no expression of joy, and he felt his hair wasbeginning to stand on end. He sat down beside her and said, "What iswrong with you, Vera Vassilievna? You are either ill, or are bearing agreat sorrow."

  "Yes, Ivan Ivanovich! I feel that I shall die."

  "What is your trouble? For God's sake, tell me. You said that you hadsomething to confide in me, which means that I must be necessary to you;there is nothing I would not do for you. You have only to command me.Forgive me my too hasty speech."

  "You, too, my poor Ivan Ivanovich! I can find neither prayers nor tears,nor is there any guidance or help for me anywhere."

  "What words of despair are these, Vera Vassilievna?"

  "Do you know _whom_ you love?"

  He threw his cloak on the bench, and wiped the sweat from his brow. Herwords told him that his hopes were ruined, that her love was givenelsewhere. He drew a deep breath, and sat motionless, awaiting herfurther explanations.

  "My poor friend," she said, taking his hand. The simple words filled himwith new sorrow; he knew that he was in fact to be pitied.

  "Thank you," he whispered. "Forgive me ... I did not know, VeraVassilievna ... I am a fool.... Please forget my declaration. But Ishould like to help you, since you say yourself you rely on me for aservice. I thank you for holding me worthy of that. You stand so highabove me; I always feel that you stand so high, Vera Vassilievna."

  "My poor Ivan Ivanovich, I have fallen from those heights, and no humanpower can reinstate me," she said, as she led him to the edge of theprecipice.

  "Do you know this place?" she asked.

  "Yes, a suicide is buried there."

  "There, in the depths below the precipice, your 'pure' Vera also liesburied," she said with the decision of despair.

  "What are you saying? I don't understand. Enlighten me, VeraVassilievna."

  Summoning all her strength she bent her head and whispered a few wordsto him, then returned, and sank down on the bench. Tushin turned pale,swayed, lost his balance, and sat down beside her. Even in the dim lightVera noticed his pallor.

  "And I thought," he said, with a strange smile, as if he were ashamed ofhis weakness, rising to his feet with difficulty, "that only a bear wasstrong enough to knock me over." Then he stooped to her and whispered,"Who?"

  The question sent a shudder through her, but she answered quickly:

  "Mark Volokov."

  His face twitched ominously. Then he pressed his whip over his knee sothat it split in pieces, which he hurled away from him.

  "So it will end with him too," he shouted. As he stood trembling beforeher, stooping forward, with wild eyes, he was like an animal ready tospring on the enemy. "Is he there now?" he cried, pointing with aviolent gesture in the direction of the precipice.

  She looked at him as if he were a dangerous animal, as he stood there,breathing heavily; then she rose and took refuge behind the bench.

  "I am afraid, Ivan Ivanovich! Spare me! Go!" she exclaimed, warding himoff with her arms.

  "First I will kill him, and then I will go."

  "Are you going to do this for my sake, for my peace of mind or for yourown sake?"

  He kept silence, his eyes fixed on the ground, and then began to walkabout in great strides. "What should I do?" he said, still tremblingwith agitation. "Tell me, Vera Vassilievna."

  "First of all, calm yourself, and explain to me why you wish to kill himand whether I desire it."

  "He is your enemy, consequently also mine."

  "Does one kill one's enemies?"

  He bent his head and seeing the pieces of the whip lying on the groundhe picked them up as if he were ashamed, and put them in his pocket.

  "I do not accuse him. I alone bear the blame, and he has justification,"she said with such bitter misery that Tushin took her hand.

  "Vera Vassilievna," he said, "you are suffering horribly. I do notunderstand," he went on, looking at her with sympathy and admiration,"what you mean by saying that he has justification, and that you bringno accusation against him. If that's the case, why did you wish to speakto me and call me here into the avenue?"

  "Because I wanted you to know the whole
truth."

  "Don't leave me in the dark, Vera Vassilievna. You must have had somereason for confiding your secret to me."

  "You looked at me so strangely to-day that I could not understand yourmeaning, and thought you must already be informed of all that hadhappened and could not rest until I knew what was in your mind. I wastoo hasty, but it comes to the same thing, for sooner or later I shouldhave told you. Sit down, and hear what I have to say, and then have donewith me." She explained the situation to him in a few words.

  "So you forgive him," he asked, after a moment's thought.

  "Forgive him, of course. I tell you that I alone am guilty."

  "Have you separated from him, or do you hope for his return?"

  "There is nothing whatever in common between us, and we shall never seeone another again."

  "Now, I understand a little, for the first time, but still noteverything," said Tushin, sighing bitterly. "I thought you had beenvulgarly betrayed, and, since you called me to your help, I imaginedthat the time had come for the Bear to do his duty. I was on the pointof rendering you the service of a Bear, and it was for that reason thatI permitted myself to ask boldly for the man's name. Forgive me, and nowtell me why you have revealed the story to me."

  "Because I was not willing that you should think better of me than Ideserve, and esteem me...."

  "But how would you accomplish that? I shall not cease to think of you asI have always thought of you, and I cannot do otherwise than respectyou."

  A gleam of pleasure lighted her eyes, only to be immediatelyextinguished. "You want to restore my self-esteem," she said, "becauseyou are good and generous. You are sorry for a poor unfortunate girl andwant to raise her up again. I understand your generosity, Ivan Ivanovich,but I will have none of it."

  "Vera Vassilievna," he said, kissing her hand. "I could not esteemanybody under compulsion. If I give anyone a greeting in the street, hehas my esteem; if he has not my esteem, I pass him by. I greet you asbefore, and because you are unhappy my love for you is greater thanbefore. You are enduring a great sorrow, as I am. You have lost yourhopes of happiness," he added in a low, melancholy tone. "If you hadkept your secret from me and I had heard it by chance, even so my esteemfor you could not have been diminished. For there is no duty laid on youto reveal a secret which belongs to you alone. No one has the right tojudge you." The last words were spoken in a trembling voice which madeit clear that he also was oppressed by the secret, the weight of whichhe desired to lighten for Vera.

  "I had to tell you to-day when you made your declaration to me. I feltit was impossible to leave you in ignorance."

  "You might very well have answered me with a categorical 'No.' But sinceyou do me the honour, Vera Vassilievna, of bestowing your particularfriendship on me, you might have gilded your 'No' by saying that youloved another. That would have been sufficient for me, for I shouldnever have asked you who, and your secret would, without doubt, haveremained your own." He pointed to the precipice, and collecting hiswhole strength whispered, "A misfortune...." Although he tried with allhis might not to let her see how disturbed he was, he was hardly able tospeak clearly. "A misfortune," he repeated. "You say that he hasjustification, that the guilt is yours; if that is so, where doesjustice lie?"

  "I told you, Ivan Ivanovich, that my confession was not necessary foryour sake, but for mine. You know how I esteem your friendship, and itwould have caused me unspeakable pain to deceive you. Even now, when Ihave hidden nothing from you, I cannot look you in the eyes." Tearsstifled her voice, and it was with difficulty that Tushin held back hisown tears; he stooped and kissed her hand once more.

  "Thanks, a thousand thanks, Vera Vassilievna. I see that an affectionfor another has no power to lessen your friendship for me, and that is awonderful consolation."

  "Ivan Ivanovich, if I could only cut this year out of my life."

  "A speedy forgetfulness," he said, "comes to the same thing."

  "How can I forget, and where can I find the strength to endure itsmemory?"

  "You will find strength in friendship, and I am one of your friends."

  She breathed another air for the moment, conscious that there was besideher a tower of strength, under whose shadow her passion and her painwere alleviated. "I believe in your friendship, Ivan Ivanovich, andthank you for it," she said, drying her tears. "I already feel calmer,and should feel still calmer if Grandmother...."

  "She does not yet know anything of this?" he asked, but broke offimmediately in the consciousness that his question involved a reproach.

  "She has guests to-day and could not possibly be told, but to-morrow sheshall learn all. Farewell, Ivan Ivanovich, my head aches, and I am goingback to the house to lie down." Tushin looked at Vera, asking himselfhow any man could be such a blind fool as Volokov. Or is he merely abeast, he thought to himself in impotent rage. He pulled himselftogether, however, and asked her if she had any instructions for him.

  "Please ask Natasha," she said, "to come over to me to-morrow or thenext day."

  "And may I come one day next week to inquire whether you are better?"

  "Do not be anxious, Ivan Ivanovich. And now good-bye, for I can hardlystand."

  When he left her, he drove his horses so wildly down the steep hill thathe himself was in danger of being hurled to the bottom of the precipice.When he put his hand out as usual for his whip, it was not there, and heremembered that he had broken it, and threw away the useless pieces onthe road. In spite of his mad haste he reached the Volga too late forthe ferry. He had to stay in the town with a friend, and drove nextmorning to his home in the forest.