If Only

  Chapter Six

  The meal took hours, forever. Kathy was watching his every move wondering with each passing moment what he was thinking and why he was there. Things had obviously changed for him as well as her. Apparently, he was no longer with his wife, and his son must be in his late twenties and on his own. Not the least bit hungry, she dawdled over the food, hesitating to appear anxious. She glanced up at him, hoping he had completed the meal and they could leave.

  “Ready?” he pulled out his wallet and placed some bills in the folder that held both of their checks together. She could do little more than nod as she rose to accept his hand. No more words spoken, Charles guided his willing companion to the parking lot. There he led her to a silver gray Oldsmobile Riviera. Her vehicle was sporty, but this was impressive. Kathy didn’t know anything about year, but noted this one was a “Silver Edition”. The rooftop slid back to allow the sunlight in through a filtered glass while the dashboard was fascinating. The computer flashed the time of day, inside and outside temperature, ran a scan on the car and all but talked to them. He was obviously pleased with this vehicle, very much unlike the old serviceable one he had driven when they had dated. As he started the car, she wondered briefly if he was aware of the kind of car that she was driving or if he cared.

  As they got on the freeway headed south, he began talking to her”, Kathy, I’ve never stopped thinking about you. When you left, I knew why, but it still didn’t stop the pain and there was nothing I could do, not then.”

  “You understood why, didn’t you? Leaving my abusive husband at the time was the easy part. In fact, it was the most sensible thing I could have done, but I couldn’t let you make the decision about your son and me. We both know that your wife meant what she said about getting custody. You couldn’t bear that. You know that.”

  “I know that, but losing you was devastating. She was right. I had no right to carry on an affair with you. I did deserve to have her divorce me and lose my son, but she let me stay with my promise to stay faithful. But losing you was so difficult to bear. I didn’t have the right to ruin your life or theirs any longer. It was quite a while before I dared look for you and then you had re-married. By that time, she and I had agreed that we were only together for the sake of our son and we would stick it out amiably until he graduated from school.

  Ah, she thought, he doesn’t know about our daughter. That’s good. She knew she should probably tell him in time, but in her own time and even that wasn‘t certain. How could she know what would or could happen between them? If anything. “How long did it take to find me? It couldn’t have been too easy.”

  “It took about two years. You’re right. You weren’t that easy to find. But I had all the information I needed about you. I knew your name; birthday and I even obtained your social security from the coffee shop you worked at. I know they shouldn‘t have given it to me, but I begged nicely. You remember the cook; she was most helpful.” They were near the beach where she had first stopped when driving in the area a few days earlier. “This is a good spot”, he turned off the freeway and on to Shell Beach Road that paralleled the beach. There was less than half a mile of houses between the main road and the beaches. “This is the place”, he turned right, and the only way he could go and drove past the few homes to park near a stairway that led to the beach. So much like the first time, except this was in broad daylight. He reached into the back seat and brought out a folded plaid blanket.

  Kathy looked up into those startling blue eyes trying to read what might be in his mind. Surely, he wouldn’t, not now. So soon. And not in broad daylight.

  As if reading her mind, he grinned. “No, princess, I have not planned to take advantage of you here and now. I just thought this would be the perfect place for us to talk. The memories will help both of us get through this. Believe it or not, I am just as nervous as I believe you are.” Charles took her hand and led her down the rambling five short flights of steps that led down to the deserted beach.

  Neither one said a word as he placed the blanket on the warm sand and each sat down, a proper distance between them, as if afraid the merest touch would spark uncontrollable desires. “I”, they both began and laughed.

  “Apparently, you know a great deal about my life”, Kathy started, so you tell me what this is all about first. Then I’ll ask my questions or answer yours.”

  “Okay”, he leaned toward her. She backed away just a bit. “You know, you are still every bit as beautiful as I remembered.” Kathy blushed. Twenty years had made a big difference in their appearances, his far less than hers. She automatically began inventorying her flaws, hoping that he would not see any of them. Did he have any flaws? Kathy looked him over, trying to be casual. His dark wavy hair did have those streaks of gray, but that only added to his good looks. Eyes? They were never so blue, so exciting. Body? She glanced at the muscles in his arms trying to see the contours under his loose light blue shirt. Nothing wrong there. And….Kathy, how could you even think of that now…again?”

  “Come on, Charles,” Katherine attempted to re-organize her thoughts. “Tell me about little Charles. How is he doing?”

  He laughed that perfect laugh. “Little Charles? He would be very upset at being called “little”. I would venture to guess that little Charles is a little over 6 feet, 3 inches tall, just an inch taller than I am. He is married and the father of twin boys, my grandsons.” There was that same pride in his voice as when he had first described his son to her.

  “I am so glad he has grown up well. With things the way they are…”

  “There were times”, he had a faraway look leaving her to her imagination. “At least he is all right now. In fact, he is doing very well. I am very proud of him.”

  “As if I didn’t know that.” Kathy felt it would be better to wait until he was ready to discuss whatever happened. It apparently was rectified. “And..?”

  “We finally divorced after he graduated from high school. It was time. We both had enough of the pretense of marriage.

  Katherine relaxed. She was a widow and he was free. Whatever they did wouldn’t matter to anyone except themselves. “When did you find me? How?”

  “Actually, a friend of mine is a private investigator and helped me. Missing you, wondering about you, I thought it would help if I at least knew where you were. I needed to know you were safe, happy. It did take some time, but we finally discovered you through your social security number and finding out when you started working part time. After that, it was easy to find out about your marriage, where you lived, etc. As often as he would, I had him verify that you were still there and happily married. I learned you participated a lot in the school, so I assumed you had a child or perhaps two. The papers from your home- town were delivered to me weekly at my office, but there was never anything of note about either of you until his death. Then I waited and waited. I did ascertain that you had booked these two weeks at the Madonna Inn and guessed that you might be getting over…well, everything. In short, I was sure it could be the right time to approach you. Like you, I really fell in love with the place. I knew that when I saw how you had made your reservations. I couldn’t believe my good fortune in you coming so close, or was it fate? Is there something so strong between us that we are drawn to this place?”

  Kathy sat upright. “How on earth did you find out about the reservations? Is nothing private?”

  “Not really, not anymore with the technology we have today. Some time, I will show you some of my…friends…mmm, toys. You won’t believe what is out there.”

  “Be that as it may. Why did you decide to find me?” Kathy longed to hear what she hoped was true. After all her dreams, after all the longing could she possibly find happiness or would things have changed? After all, twenty years? Would she dare trust him after all this time? Could she possibly be so foolish as to risk her remaining years to a man who had broken her heart so many years back, even if it wasn‘t all his fault?

  “Katherine”, he hesitat
ed. “I know it’s been a long time, too long, but I have not been able to forget you. I didn’t want to forget you. There was a lot of love, a lot of passion between us at one time. Your husband, I don’t know how you felt about him or if you are still grieving. This year in particular, has been torture for me waiting to come see you. I only know that we need to talk, get together, see if we can begin, as we should have done years ago, each alone. We were both wrong in that relationship and believe me; I have endured all these years waiting until the time was right. I can only hope that this time, it is the right time for us.”

  Kathy clasped her hands around her knees staring out at the cerulean ocean, silent and calm as if it too were awaiting her answer. In the distance, she could see the long pier at Pismo Beach jutting out into the water and beyond that the sand dunes. Her heart and body knew what she wanted to say, but her mind, that was another story. If she rushed into this, she would be giving up the longed-for peace in her life. She could be risking her relationship with her daughters. If she did go on with this, Beth would find out about him being her father. How would she take that? Would she understand her mother? The youthful passion, would it still be there? Could they adjust to each other, be happy together? She might have to give up the art that she had waited for so many years. Frank had objected to his wife wasting time on a foolish and expensive hobby. Finally she had the freedom to do what and when she desired. She didn’t want another man having any right to make her decisions. Katherine accepted the final fact that she really didn’t know Charles at all; just a memory of his body. Then there was Beth. How would he feel once he knew he had lost all of the years with a daughter? Would he understand or condemn? There were too many unanswered questions for her to make any kind of decision at that moment.

  “Charles”, Kathy sighed. “More than anything, I want to jump into your arms, forget the years and begin as if it were that first night right now, but...”

  “But?” he queried forcing himself to hold back from grabbing her into his anxious arms.

  “But”, she continued. “I can’t. No” she caught his un-asked question. “It is not my being a widow. I will have to explain that later, but for now, it’s been so long. I’m not sure we are still right for each other. The changes. There are things we don’t know about each other.”

  “Kathy, there isn’t anything that I could find out about you that would change my mind.”

  “Perhaps, but we need time to renew our relationship, time to learn about each other. I will be here for two weeks. Well, I guess you already know that. How long had you planned to stay?”

  “Until I have you where you belong. Two weeks, two months, two years, whatever it takes.”

  “What about your job?”

  “I own my own business and I can leave when I want for as long as I want and it wouldn’t matter anyway. Even if I didn’t, nothing else matters except you. You are my only priority. So what do we do now? Shall I ask you for a date, our first date?” His boyish grin brought back the sensual memory of that first night with him.

  “Yes,” she also smiled. She was sure she knew exactly what he was thinking. “But a date. This time, let’s take it slow.”

  “Whatever you wish, my princess. In that case, let us get out of here before the sun sets and I forget myself. This is going to be one of the most difficult things I have ever done. At least this will help show you how much I really do care for you.”

  For a brief moment, Kathy was struck by the lack of certain words. She knew she had asked him to take it slow, but not once had he told her he still loved her. Every word beat around that commitment. Did he love her still? Did he ever? Or was she just a convenience to a man who wanted as sexual encounter back then? What was his purpose now? Katherine would soon find out. They headed back toward the Madonna Inn and their first date. Would he be able to keep his passions in check while they re-discovered themselves? Could she?