The Complete Poems and Plays, 1909-1950

EDWARD. There’s the doorbell.

  LAVINIA. Oh, I’m glad. It’s begun.

  CURTAIN

  The tune of One-eyed Riley (page 137), as scored from the author’s dictation by Miss Mary Trevelyan.

  The Cast of the First Production

  at the

  Edinburgh Festival,

  August 22–27, 1949

  Directed by E. MARTIN BROWNE

  Settings designed by ANTHONY HOLLAND

  Produced by SHEREK PLAYERS LTD.

  in association with THE ARTS COUNCIL

  THE CONFIDENTIAL CLERK

  Characters

  SIR CLAUDE MULHAMMER

  EGGERSON

  COLBY SIMPKINS

  B. KAGHAN

  LUCASTA ANGEL

  LADY ELIZABETH MULHAMMER

  MRS. GUZZARD

  Act One

  The Business Room on the first floor of SIR CLAUDE MULHAMMER’S London house. Early afternoon. SIR CLAUDE writing at desk. Enter EGGERSON.

  SIR CLAUDE. Ah, there you are, Eggerson! Punctual as always.

  I’m sorry to have to bring you up to London

  All the way from Joshua Park, on an errand like this.

  But you know my wife wouldn’t like anyone to meet her

  At Northolt, but you. And I couldn’t send Colby.

  That’s not the way to arrange their first meeting,

  On her return from Switzerland.

  EGGERSON. Impossible, Sir Claude!

  A very delicate situation —

  Her first meeting with Mr. Simpkins.

  But I was glad of the excuse for coming up to London:

  I’ve spent the morning shopping! Gardening tools.

  The number of things one needs for a garden!

  And I thought, now’s the moment to buy some new tools

  So as not to lose a moment at the end of the winter

  And I matched some material for Mrs. E.,

  Which she’s been wanting. So she’ll be pleased.

  Then I lunched at the store — they have a restaurant;

  An excellent lunch, and cheap, for nowadays.

  But where’s Mr. Simpkins? Will he be here?

  SIR CLAUDE. I had to send him to the City this morning,

  But he’ll be back, I hope, before you leave.

  EGGERSON. And how’s he getting on? Swimmingly, I’m sure,

  As I’ve heard nothing since the last time I came.

  SIR CLAUDE. Well, of course, Eggerson, you’re irreplaceable …

  EGGERSON. Oh, Sir Claude, you shouldn’t say that!

  Mr. Simpkins is far better qualified than I was

  To be your confidential clerk.

  He was finding his feet, very quickly,

  During the time we worked together.

  All he needs is confidence.

  SIR CLAUDE. And experience.

  With a young man, some readjustment is necessary.

  But I’m satisfied that he’s getting the hang of things,

  And I think he’s beginning to take a keen interest.

  EGGERSON. And getting over his disappointment?

  Of course, I never mentioned that:

  It’s only what you told me.

  SIR CLAUDE. About his music.

  Yes, I think so. I understand his feelings.

  He’s like me, Eggerson. The same disappointment

  In a different form. He won’t forget

  That his great ambition was to be an organist,

  Just as I can’t forget … no matter.

  The great thing was to find something else

  He could do, and do well. And I think he’s found it,

  Just as I did. I shall tell him about myself.

  But so far, I’ve left him to his own devices:

  I thought he would fall into this way of life more quickly

  If we started on a purely business basis.

  EGGERSON. No doubt that’s best. While he’s still living

  With his aunt in Teddington, and coming up daily

  Just as I used to. And the flat in the mews?

  How soon will that be ready for him?

  SIR CLAUDE. They have still to do the walls. And then it must be furnished.

  I’m trying to find him a really good piano.

  EGGERSON. A piano? Yes, I’m sure he’ll feel at home

  When he has a piano. You think of everything.

  But if I might make a suggestion: window boxes!

  He’s expressed such an interest in my garden

  That I think he ought to have window boxes.

  Some day, he’ll want a garden of his own. And yes, a bird bath!

  SIR CLAUDE. A bird bath? In the mews? What’s the point of that?

  EGGERSON. He told me he was very fond of bird watching.

  SIR CLAUDE. But there won’t be any birds — none worth watching.

  EGGERSON. I don’t know, Sir Claude. Only the other day

  I read a letter in The Times about wild birds seen in London:

  And I’m sure Mr. Simpkins will find them if anybody.

  SIR CLAUDE. Well, we’ll leave that for the present. As we have a little time

  Before you start for Northolt — the car will be ready —

  Let’s think what you’re to say to Lady Elizabeth,

  Coming back from the airport, about Colby.

  I think, you ought to give her warning

  Of whom she is to meet on her arrival.

  EGGERSON. How would you like me to approach the subject?

  SIR CLAUDE. Of course, she knows you were wanting to retire,

  As we had some discussion about replacing you.

  But you know she regards you — well, completely

  As one of the household.

  EGGERSON. That’s a great compliment.

  SIR CLAUDE. And well deserved; but rather inconvenient

  When it comes to appointing a successor.

  Makes it very difficult to replace you.

  She thinks she ought to have a hand in the choosing;

  And besides, she is convinced that she, of all people,

  Is a better judge of character than I am.

  EGGERSON. Oh, I wouldn’t say that, Sir Claude!

  She has too much respect for your business genius.

  But it’s true she believes she has what she calls ‘guidance’.

  SIR CLAUDE. Guidance. That’s worse than believing in her judgment:

  We could argue about that. You can’t argue with guidance.

  But if she appears to be puzzled, or annoyed

  At my making the appointment during her absence,

  You must say you had to leave under medical orders.

  She’s always been concerned about your state of health,

  So she’ll be sympathetic. And as for Colby —

  Say that Mr. Simpkins was highly recommended,

  And say that I had to make a quick decision

  Because he’d had another very tempting offer.

  Something like that. Don’t make too much of it.

  And I rather hope that she will take to him at once:

  If so, she is certain to come to believe

  That she chose him herself. By the way, don’t forget

  To let her know that he’s very musical.

  She can take him to concerts. But don’t overdo it!

  EGGERSON. I’ll remember that. Music.

  SIR CLAUDE. And by the way,

  How much have you actually told him about her?

  You remember,1 asked you to prepare him a little;

  There are some things you could say better than I could,

  And ways in which you could reassure him

  Better than I. He’s more at ease with you

  Than he is with me.

  EGGERSON. Oh, you mustn’t say that!

  Though I’ve done my best to gain his confidence.

  I did mention her interest in Light from the East.

  SIR CLAUDE. And the Book of Revelation? And the
Wisdom of Atlantis?

  EGGERSON. Well, to tell the truth, Sir Claude, I only touched on these matters,

  They’re much too deep for me. And I thought, Mr. Simpkins,

  He’s highly educated. He’ll soon begin to grasp them.

  No, I haven’t told him much about Lady Elizabeth.

  But there’s one thing I should like to know —

  If you don’t mind — before I go to meet her.

  How soon do you propose to … explain Mr. Simpkins?

  Regularize his position in the household?

  You told me that was your eventual intention.

  SIR CLAUDE. When — or indeed whether — I reveal his identity

  Depends on how she takes to him. This afternoon

  She will only learn that you have finally retired

  And that you have a young successor,

  A Mr. Colby Simpkins.

  EGGERSON. Merely Mr. Simpkins.

  SIR CLAUDE. The reasons for starting him during her absence

  Are perfectly clear. But beyond that point

  I haven’t yet explained my plans to you.

  Why I’ve never told her about him,

  The reason for meeting him as merely Mr. Simpkins,

  Is, that she has a strong maternal instinct …

  EGGERSON. I realise that.

  SIR CLAUDE. Which has always been thwarted.

  EGGERSON. I’m sure it’s been a grief to both of you

  That you’ve never had children.

  SIR CLAUDE. No worse, Eggerson,

  Than for you and your wife, to have had a son

  Lost in action, and his grave unknown.

  EGGERSON. And you’re thinking no doubt that Lady Elizabeth

  Would be put in mind of the child she lost.

  SIR CLAUDE. In a very different way, yes. You might say mislaid,

  Since the father is dead, and there’s no way of tracing it.

  Yes, I was thinking of her missing child:

  In the circumstances, that might make her jealous.

  I’ve explained all this to Colby — Mr. Simpkins.

  EGGERSON. I see what you mean.

  SIR CLAUDE. She must get to like him first:

  And then, Eggerson, I am not unhopeful

  That, under the impression that he is an orphan,

  She will want us to adopt him.

  EGGERSON. Adopt him! Yes, indeed,

  That would be the solution. Yes, quite ideal.

  SIR CLAUDE. I’m glad you agree. Your support will be helpful.

  EGGERSON. I’m sure I shall be very happy to commend him.

  SIR CLAUDE. You mustn’t overdo it! But your approval matters.

  You know she thinks the world of your opinion.

  EGGERSON. Well, I believe that once or twice, perhaps …

  But I’m afraid you overrate my influence.

  I have never been able to make her like Miss Angel;

  She becomes abstracted, whenever I mention her.

  SIR CLAUDE. But she knew about Lucasta — Miss Angel, from the start.

  That was one difficulty. And there are others.

  For one, they’re both of them women.

  EGGERSON. True.

  SIR CLAUDE. But I don’t think she takes much notice of Miss Angel.

  She just doesn’t see her. And Miss Angel

  Will soon be getting married, I expect.

  EGGERSON. And so I hope. A most suitable arrangement.

  But will you tell me this: if it comes to the point

  At which Lady Elizabeth wants to adopt him —

  An admirable solution — then what follows?

  Will you let her know, then, that Mr. Simpkins

  Is actually your son?

  SIR CLAUDE. That’s where I’m in the dark.

  I simply can’t guess what her reaction would be.

  There’s a lot I don’t understand about my wife.

  There’s always something one’s ignorant of

  About anyone, however well one knows them;

  And that may be something of the greatest importance.

  It’s when you’re sure you understand a person

  That you’re liable to make the worst mistake about him.

  As a matter of fact, there’s a lot I don’t know

  About you, Eggerson, although we worked together

  For nearly thirty years.

  EGGERSON. Nearly thirty-one.

  But now you put it so convincingly,

  I must admit there’s a lot that I don’t understand

  About my wife.

  SIR CLAUDE. And just as much

  She doesn’t know about you. And just as much

  You don’t know about me — I’m not so sure of that!

  My rule is to remember that I understand nobody,

  But on the other hand never to be sure

  That they don’t understand me — a good deal better

  Than I should care to think, perhaps.

  EGGERSON. And do I infer

  That you’re not sure you understand Mr. Simpkins, either?

  SIR CLAUDE. A timely reminder. You may have to repeat it.

  But he should be back by now. And then I’ll leave you.

  I must telephone to Amsterdam, and possibly to Paris.

  But when you return with Lady Elizabeth

  I’ll be ready waiting to introduce him.

  [Enter COLBY SIMPKINS with briefcase]

  SIR CLAUDE. Ah, Colby, I was just saying to Eggerson

  It was time you were back. Was your morning satisfactory?

  COLBY. I’ve got what you wanted, Sir Claude. Good afternoon,

  Mr. Eggerson. I was afraid I’d miss you.

  EGGERSON. I’m off in half an hour, Mr. Simpkins.

  SIR CLAUDE. I’ll leave you now. But when Eggerson comes back

  With Lady Elizabeth, I will rejoin you.

  [Exit SIR CLAUDE]

  COLBY. I’m glad you don’t have to leave just yet.

  I’m rather nervous about this meeting.

  You’ve told me very little about Lady Elizabeth,

  And Sir Claude himself hasn’t told me very much:

  So I’ve no idea how I ought to behave.

  B. Kaghan has told me something about her,

  But that’s rather alarming.

  EGGERSON. Mr. Kaghan is prejudiced.

  He’s never hit it off with Lady Elizabeth.

  Don’t listen to him. He understands Sir Claude,

  And he’s always been very grateful to Sir Claude,

  As he ought to be. Sir Claude picked him out

  And gave him his start. And he’s made the most of it —

  That I will say. An encouraging example

  For you, Mr. Simpkins. He’ll be a power in the City!

  And he has a heart of gold. But not to beat about the bush,

  He’s rather a rough diamond. Very free and easy ways;

  And Lady Elizabeth has never taken to him.

  But you, Mr. Simpkins, that’s very different.

  COLBY. I don’t know why it should be so different.

  I like B. Kaghan. I’ve found him very helpful

  And very good company apart from business.

  EGGERSON. Oh yes, Mr. Kaghan is very good company.

  He makes me laugh sometimes. I don’t laugh easily.

  Quite a humorist, he is. In fact, Mrs. E.

  Sometimes says to me: ‘Eggerson, why can’t you make me laugh

  The way B. Kaghan did?’ She’s only met him once;

  But do you know, he began addressing her as Muriel —

  Within the first ten minutes! I was horrified.

  But she actually liked it. Muriel is her name.

  He has a way with the ladies, you know.

  But with Lady Elizabeth he wasn’t so successful.