The Complete Poems and Plays, 1909-1950

  She once referred to him as ‘undistinguished’;

  But with you, as I said, it will be very different.

  She’ll see at once that you’re a man of culture;

  And besides, she’s very musical.

  COLBY. Thank you for the warning!

  EGGERSON. So if you don’t mind, I shall mention at once

  That you are a musician.

  COLBY. I’ll be on my guard.

  EGGERSON. Your music will certainly be a great asset

  With Lady Elizabeth. I envy you that.

  I’ve always sung in our voluntary choir

  And at the carol service. But I wish I was musical.

  COLBY. I still don’t feel very well prepared for meeting her.

  [A loud knock. Enter B. KAGHAN]

  KAGHAN. Enter B. Kaghan. Hello Colby!

  And hello Eggers! I’m glad to find you here.

  It’s lucky for Colby.

  EGGERSON. How so Mr. Kaghan?

  KAGHAN. Because Lucasta’s with me! The usual catastrophe.

  She’s come to pry some cash from the money-box.

  Bankrupt again! So I thought I’d better bring her

  And come upstairs ahead, to ease the shock for Colby.

  But as you’re here, Eggers, I can just relax.

  I’m going to enjoy the game from the sidelines.

  [Enter LUCASTA ANGEL]

  LUCASTA. Eggy, I’ve lost my job!

  EGGERSON. Again, Miss Angel?

  LUCASTA. Yes, again! And serve them right!

  EGGERSON. You have been, I presume, persistently unpunctual.

  LUCASTA. You’re wrong, Eggy. It’s rank injustice.

  Two months I’d gone on filing those papers

  Which no one ever wanted — at least, not till yesterday.

  Then, just by bad luck, the boss did want a letter

  And I couldn’t find it. And then he got suspicious

  And asked for things I’m sure he didn’t want —

  Just to make trouble! And I couldn’t find one of them.

  But they’re all filed somewhere, I’m sure, so why bother?

  But who’s this, Eggy? Is it Colby Simpkins?

  Introduce him, one or the other of you.

  EGGERSON. Mr. Simpkins, Miss Angel. As you know, Miss Angel,

  Mr. Simpkins has taken over my duties.

  LUCASTA. And does he know that I’m one of his duties?

  Have you prepared him for taking me over?

  Did you know that, Colby? I’m Lucasta.

  It’s only Eggy calls me Miss Angel,

  Just to annoy me. Don’t you agree

  That Lucasta suits me better?

  COLBY. I’m sure they both suit you.

  LUCASTA. Snubbed again! I suppose I asked for it.

  That’s what comes of being cursed with a name like Angel.

  I’m thinking of changing it. But, Colby,

  Do you know that I’m one of your responsibilities?

  COLBY. No, I’m afraid I didn’t know that.

  EGGERSON. You mustn’t give way to her, Mr. Simpkins.

  I never do. I always say

  That if you give Miss Angel an inch

  She’ll take an ell.

  LUCASTA. L. for Lucasta.

  Go on, Eggy. Don’t mind him, Colby.

  Colby, are you married?

  COLBY. No, I’m not married.

  LUCASTA. Then I don’t mind being seen with you in public.

  You may take me out to dinner. A working girl like me

  Is often very hungry — living on a pittance —

  Cooking a sausage on a gas ring …

  EGGERSON. You mustn’t believe a word she says.

  LUCASTA. Mr. Simpkins is going to believe all I say,

  Mr. Eggerson. And I know he’ll be nice to me

  When you’re out of the way. Why don’t you let him speak?

  Eggy’s really quite human, Colby.

  It’s only that he’s terrified of Mrs. Eggerson;

  That’s why he’s never asked me out to lunch.

  EGGERSON. We will leave Mrs. Eggerson out of this, Miss Angel.

  LUCASTA. That’s what he always says, Colby,

  When I mention Mrs. Eggerson. He never fails to rise.

  B.! What have you told Colby about me?

  KAGHAN. It’s no use telling anybody about you:

  Nobody’d ever believe in your existence

  Until they met you. Colby’s still reeling.

  It’s going to be my responsibility,

  As your fiancé, to protect Colby from you.

  But first, let’s cope with the financial crisis.

  LUCASTA. Yes, Eggy, will you break the sad news to Claude?

  Meanwhile, you’ll have to raid the till for me. I’m starving.

  KAGHAN. I’ve just given her lunch. The problem with Lucasta

  Is how to keep her fed between meals.

  LUCASTA. B., you’re a beast. I’ve a very small appetite.

  But the point is, that I’m penniless.

  KAGHAN. She’s had a week’s salary in lieu of notice.

  LUCASTA. B., remember you’re only my fiancé on approval.

  Can I have some money, Eggy?

  EGGERSON. I’m no longer in charge

  And that duty has not devolved on Mr. Simpkins:

  Sir Claude intends to deal with these matters himself.

  You will have to ask Sir Claude. But I’ll speak to him

  When I return from Northolt.

  LUCASTA. You’re going to meet Lizzie?

  EGGERSON. I am meeting Lady Elizabeth at Northolt.

  LUCASTA. Well, I don’t propose to be on the scene when she comes.

  KAGHAN. And I don’t propose to leave you with Colby.

  He’s had enough for one day. Take my advice, Colby.

  Never allow Lucasta the slightest advantage

  Or she’ll exploit it. You have to be tough with her;

  She’s hard as nails. Now I’ll take her off your hands.

  I’ll show you how it’s done. Come along, Lucasta,

  I’m going to make a day of it, and take you out to tea.

  LUCASTA. I’m dying for my tea. The strain of this crisis

  Has been too much for me. Another time, Colby.

  I’ll ring you up, and let you take me out to lunch.

  [Exit LUCASTA]

  KAGHAN. Take it easy, Colby. You’ll get used to her.

  [Exit KAGHAN]

  COLBY. Egg … Mr. Eggerson!

  EGGERSON. Yes, Mr. Simpkins?

  COLBY. You seem to me sane. And I think I am.

  EGGERSON. I have no doubt on either point, none at all.

  COLBY. And B. Kaghan has always seemed to me sane.

  EGGERSON. I should call him the very picture of sanity.

  COLBY. But you never warned me about Miss Angel.

  What about her?

  EGGERSON. Oh, Miss Angel.

  She’s rather flighty. But she has a good heart.

  COLBY. But does she address Sir Claude Mulhammer

  As Claude? To his face?

  EGGERSON. She does indeed.

  COLBY. And does she call Lady Elizabeth Lizzie?

  EGGERSON. Well, not in her presence. Not when I’ve been there.

  No, I don’t think she would. But she does call her Lizzie,

  Sometimes, to Sir Claude. And do you know —

  I think it amuses him.

  COLBY. Well, perhaps I’ll be amused.

  But it did make my head spin — all those first names

  The first time I met her. I’m not used to it.

  EGGERSON. You’ll soon get used to it. You’ll be calling me Eggers

  Before you know it!

  COLBY. I shouldn’t wonder.

  I nearly did, a moment ago.

  Then I’d have been certain I’d lost my reason:

  Her influence is perfectly frightening.

  But tell me about Lu … Miss Angel:


  What’s her connection with this household?

  EGGERSON. Well. A kind of fiduciary relationship.

  No, I don’t think that’s quite the right term.

  She’s no money of her own, as you may have gathered;

  But I think her father was a friend of Sir Claude’s,

  And he’s made himself responsible for her.

  In any case, he’s behaved like a father —

  A very generous man, is Sir Claude.

  To tell the truth, she’s something of a thorn in his flesh,

  Always losing her jobs, because she won’t stick to them.

  He gives her an allowance — very adequate indeed,

  Though she’s always in debt. But you needn’t worry

  About her, Mr. Simpkins. She’ll marry Mr. Kaghan

  In the end. He’s a man who gets his own way,

  And I think he can manage her. If anyone can.

  COLBY. But is she likely to be a nuisance?

  EGGERSON. Not unless you give her encouragement.

  I have never encouraged her.

  COLBY. But you have Mrs. Eggerson.

  EGGERSON. Yes, she’s a great protection. And I have my garden

  To protect me against Mrs. E. That’s my joke.

  COLBY. Well, I’ve never met anyone like Miss Angel.

  EGGERSON. You’ll get used to her, Mr. Simpkins.

  Time works wonders, that’s what I always say.

  But I don’t expect you’ll have to see much of her:

  That responsibility’s not on your shoulders.

  Lady Elizabeth, now, that’s different.

  COLBY. At least, I don’t suppose Lady Elizabeth

  Can be quite so unusual as Miss Angel.

  EGGERSON. O yes, Mr. Simpkins, much more unusual.

  COLBY. Oh!

  EGGERSON. Well, as I told you, she really is a lady,

  Rather a grande dame, as the French say.

  That’s what Sir Claude admires about her.

  He said to me once, in a moment of confidence —

  He’d just come back from a public luncheon —

  ‘Eggerson’, he said, ‘I wanted a lady,

  And I’m perfectly satisfied with the bargain.’

  Of course it’s true that her family connections

  Have sometimes been useful. But he didn’t think of that:

  He’s not petty-minded — though nothing escapes him.

  And such a generous heart! He’s rather a Socialist.

  I’m a staunch Conservative, myself.

  COLBY. But is Lady Elizabeth very unusual

  In any other way, besides being a lady?

  EGGERSON. Why, yes, indeed, I must admit she is.

  Most of her oddities are perfectly harmless.

  You’ll soon get used to them. That’s what Sir Claude said:

  ‘Humour her, Eggerson,’ he said, ‘humour her.’

  But she has one trait that I think I did touch on:

  She’s very absent-minded.

  COLBY. I hope you don’t mean,

  She has lapses of memory?

  EGGERSON. I didn’t mean that.

  No. She hasn’t very much memory to lose,

  Though she sometimes remembers when you least expect it.

  But she does forget things. And she likes to travel,

  Mostly for her health. And when she’s abroad

  She is apt to buy a house. And then goes away

  And forgets all about it. That can be complicated

  And very costly. I’ve had some rare adventures!

  I remember long ago, saying to Mrs. E.,

  When we’d bought our house in Joshua Park

  (On a mortgage, of course) ‘now we’ve settled down

  All the travel I want is up to the City

  And back to Joshua Park in the evening,

  And once a year our holiday at Dawlish’.

  And to think that was only the beginning of my travels!

  It’s been a very unusual privilege

  To see as much of Europe as I have,

  Getting Lady Elizabeth out of her difficulties.

  COLBY. Perhaps she won’t even arrive by this plane.

  EGGERSON. Oh, that could happen. She sometimes gets lost,

  Or loses her ticket, or even her passport.

  But let’s not be crossing any bridges

  Until we come to them. That’s what I always say.

  And I’m sure you’ll like her. She’s such a lady!

  And what’s more, she has a good heart.

  COLBY. Everybody seems to be kind-hearted.

  But there’s one thing I do believe, Mr. Eggerson:

  That you have a kind heart. And I’m convinced

  That you always contrive to think the best of everyone.

  EGGERSON. You’ll come to find that I’m right, I assure you.

  [Enter SIR CLAUDE]

  SIR CLAUDE. Hello! Still here? It’s time you were off.

  EGGERSON. I’m just going. There’s plenty of time.

  [Looks at his watch]

  I’ll arrive at the airport with minutes to spare,

  And besides, there’s the Customs. That’ll take her a time,

  From my experience.

  LADY ELIZABETH MULHAMMER’S voice off.* Just open that case, I want something out of it.

  Unwrap that — It’s a bottle of medicine.

  Now, Parkman, will you give it to the driver?

  He tells me that he suffers from chronic catarrh.

  SIR CLAUDE. Hello! What’s that?

  [Opens door on to landing and listens]

  She’s here, Eggerson! That’s her voice.

  Where is she? Oh, she’s gone out again.

  [Goes to the window and looks down on the street]

  She’s having a conversation with the cabman.

  What can they be talking about? She’s coming in!

  LADY ELIZABETH MULHAMMER’S voice off.* No, Gertrude, I haven’t had any lunch,

  And I don’t want it now. Just bring me some tea.

  Nothing with it. No, I forgot:

  You haven’t learned yet how to make tea properly.

  A cup of black coffee. Is Sir Claude at home?

  I’ll speak to him first.

  SIR CLAUDE. Good heavens, Eggerson, what can have happened?

  EGGERSON. It’s perfectly amazing. Let me go down to meet her.

  SIR CLAUDE. Where ought we to be? What ought we to be doing?

  EGGERSON [at the open door]. She’s speaking to the parlourmaid. She’s coming up.

  SIR CLAUDE. Colby, sit at the desk, and pick up some papers.

  We must look as if we’d been engaged in business.

  [Enter LADY ELIZABETH MULHAMMER]

  EGGERSON & SIR CLAUDE [simultaneously]. Lady Elizabeth!

  Elizabeth!

  SIR CLAUDE. What on earth has happened?

  EGGERSON. Lady Elizabeth! This is most surprising.

  LADY ELIZABETH. What’s surprising, Eggerson? I’ve arrived, that’s all.

  EGGERSON. I was just starting for Northolt to meet you.

  LADY ELIZABETH. That was very thoughtful of you, Eggerson,

  But quite unnecessary. And besides,

  I didn’t come by air. I arrived at Victoria.

  SIR CLAUDE. Do you mean to say that you changed your ticket?

  EGGERSON. Yes, how did you manage to change your ticket?

  LADY ELIZABETH. I went to the agency and got them to change it.

  I can’t understand why you’re both so surprised.

  You know I’m a very experienced traveller.

  SIR CLAUDE. Oh yes, of course we know that, Elizabeth.

  But why did you change your plans?

  LADY ELIZABETH. Because of Mildred Deverell.

  She’s been having the treatment with me,

  And she can’t go by air — she says it makes her sea-sick;

  So we took the night train, and did the Channel crossing.

/>   But who is this young man? His face is familiar.

  SIR CLAUDE. This young man is Eggerson’s successor.

  You know that Eggerson’s been meaning to retire …

  EGGERSON. Under medical orders, Lady Elizabeth:

  The doctor made it very imperative …