April Shadows

  I knocked and waited.

  No one came to the door, so I knocked again.

  "Brenda?" I called, Still, no one came to the door.

  Where was she? I tried the knob, but the door was locked. "Brenda, are you in there?"

  The girl and her boyfriend looked down the hallway at me. Feeling silly standing there. I started back toward the elevator. The boy followed the girl into her room and closed the door. This time. I did take the staircase, and when I reached the first floor. I hurried out to the lobby again, hoping Brenda and Celia had returned from wherever they had gone and were now waiting for me.

  Two other girls had joined the four I had first seen. but Brenda and Celia were not there.

  "Can I help you?' I heard, and turned to the desk to see a slim woman with dull dark brown hair threaded with white standing behind the desk. She wore what looked like a dark blue uniform that included a jacket and skirt with a lighter blue blouse. The jacket had padded shoulders. Her cheeks were quite pockmarked, and she seemed to have no chin because of how sharply it sloped from her lower lips to her neck. Two untrimmed eyebrows hung over her small, dark gray eyes.

  "I'm looking for my sister."

  "And does this sister have a name?" she asked, tucking the corners of her lips into her cheeks.

  I looked back at the girls, who had stopped talking and were now listening to me.

  "Brenda Taylor."

  "Um," she said, her face quickly filling with disapproval. Then her eyes focused on my overnight bag. "I want you to know right from the start that I don't tolerate alcoholic beverages, drugs, smoking of any kind in the rooms, or excessive noise."

  "Neither do I. ma'am." I said, and a girl behind me yelped. I turned and looked back at them. They were all smiling.

  "All visitors must sin in," she told me, and pushed a clipboard toward me. I put down my bag and signed my name on the blank line, noting that I was the first visitor of the day, and yet that boy was upstairs in one of the girl's rooms.

  She turned the clipboard toward her to check that I had written my real name. I guess, and then turned it back. Just then, the front door opened, and Brenda and Celia entered.

  "When did you get here?" Brenda asked without even saying hello. She didn't look at the woman behind the desk. either.

  "A few minutes ago."

  "Come on. honey." Celia said. She put her arm around my shoulders and squeezed me against her. Then she kissed my cheek. Brenda just stood watching,

  "This is our guest, Ms. Gitman," Brenda told the woman who had questioned me. "My sister. April."

  "I already know that. She's signed in. I've told her our rules," she replied.

  "Thank you," Brenda said. "Now. I won't have to."

  Celia giggled, and they marched me though the double doors to the stairway.

  "That's Ms. Gitalong," Celia said. 'Now you know why we want your uncle to make her disappear. We should go up the stairs. The elevator takes..."

  "Forever. I know. I went up on it before."

  "Oh, you went up to our room?"

  "Yes, but before I signed in. She wasn't there when I arrived."

  "She was probably back in her quarters pulling the legs off grasshoppers or something. We didn't expect you would get here this fast, did we. Brenda?"

  I looked at Brenda. She kept her eyes away from me and just walked on ahead. She was making me feel very nervous.

  "Brenda's a little upset," Celia whispered. "Don't worry," she added.

  Brenda didn't talk until we got into their room and I had put down my bag. Then she turned, her arms folded under her breasts, and looked at me.

  "What happened to Mama?" she asked as if whatever had happened was somehow was my fault. "Why didn't she come?"

  "I thought she was going to right up to the last minute. Brenda," I said. "She didn't say anything at breakfast, and then she went to her room. and I went to mine, thinking she was getting dressed, but when I went to get her. I found her in bed complaining about arthritis. She told me she had already called you. She said Celia spoke with her," I added, looking at Celia.

  "How could you leave her?" Brenda snapped at me. Before I could answer. I started to cry.

  "Stop it!" Brenda said sharply.

  She made me leave," I said through my sobs. "She said you would want me here."

  "Of course. I want you here. I'm just concerned, that's all," she added, softening a bit.

  "Everything will be all right. Brenda." Celia said. "April will be with me."

  "I'm not worried about her. I'm worried about my mother."

  "So am I," I said. "but she said she would be very unhappy if I didn't go. She said it was just her arthritis, and she had been to the doctor, who told her to rest and take same painkillers."

  "She never told me that."

  "Me. neither," I said.

  "We'll deal with all that later. Brenda," Celia told her. "Well just take a ride to your house later this week."

  Brenda relaxed a little more and sat on one of the two beds. They were separated by a small night table on which they had a clack and a phone. Except for what looked like a print landscape on the wall behind the beds, the room was stark. There were no posters, no pictures, not even any on the dressers or the desk. The bathroom was half the size of any of ours at home, if that. I could see that it was an older building. I imagined the attraction was simply the excitement of being on your own. To me, it was a little disappointing. I imagined Mama wouldn't have been very impressed, either.

  "I'm supposed to call Mama as soon as I got here," I remembered.

  "Then what are you waiting for? Call her," Brenda said, handing me the phone.

  I tapped out our number quickly and waited. It rang and rang. Brenda raised her eyebrows and stepped closer. Finally, Mama picked up.

  "It's me. Mama. I'm here at the dormitory." "Oh, how nice. You had a good trip. then?"

  "Yes, it was easy. How are you?"

  "I'm fine." she said. "The pain is not so bad now."

  "Let me speak to her," Brenda demanded. and I handed her the phone. "Mama, what's wrong? Why didn't you come?" She listened. "You never told me any of this. No. no. I'm not angry," she said. "I will. She's fine. We'll take good care of her." she added, looking at me. "Okay, Mama. We'll call you right after the game and tell you about it. I hope so. Celia and I will come see you as soon as we can, I know, but we want to." she said. "Okay. Call you later," she concluded, and hung up.

  "I'm sure it's all psychosomatic." Celia said.

  Brenda nodded, Then she looked at me as if she had just realized I had arrived. "Look at you. A bigshot teenager now," she said. and poked me in the shoulder. Celia laughed.

  "Let's get you settled in the guest room, and then we'll show you around," Celia said.

  "Thanks." I looked at Brenda. She had a tight smile on her face.

  "I'm glad vou're here." she finally admitted. "You'll see us whip their asses good."

  Finally. I could smile, too.

  The guest room just had a single bed, a dresser, and a desk and chair in it. It had one curtained window. I put my bag in the closet, and we went off immediately to grab some lunch at one of their favorite places. Brenda ate lightly. I wanted to have one of the big burgers. but I ordered a salad as well. Brenda immediately started in on me about my regained weight.

  Before I could offer any excuses. Celia went into a long explanation about why some people are self-destructive. She concluded by saying, "April's problem isn't hard to see. Brenda. She has low selfesteem at the moment and needs to be reassured about herself. It's a crazy cycle. April," she said, turning to me. "You don't receive compliments, so you don't take care of yourself, and therefore, you don't receive compliments. You reinforce your low self-esteem without realizing you're doing that."

  "Are you sure you don't want to go into psychology?" Brenda asked her. "You haven't met anyone you didn't want to analyze,"

  "Maybe I will, Look, this situation is classic. Your sister grew up in a
house where you were the star. You were getting all the accolades. Brenda."

  "She could have tried harder. She was lazy. She's still lazy," Brenda said. She didn't look at me. The two of them were discussing me as if I weren't even there,

  "It's not laziness. exactly." Celia said. "Oh, what is it then. Doctor?"

  "Well, you told me yourself how your teammates wouldn't try very hard if they fell too far behind. You said you felt all alone out there many times. Well, she's just fallen too far behind."

  Brenda thought a moment and then just shook her head and smiled at Celia. "You're too smart for your own good. You know that?'

  "Of course, I know that. You just said I was too smart."

  The two of them laughed. Celia leaned forward and wiped some salad dressing off Brenda's cheek. They stared at each other for a moment and then. finally. Brenda looked at me.

  "I've got to rest a bit and then go limber up in the vim. Celia will show you around."

  "I don't have to see anything," I said.

  "I'll just take you for a walk around the school," Celia said. "Brenda says you'd like to see the library."

  I shrugged, and Brenda smirked. "You know why you don't have any energy or interest in anything, April'? You're not trying. You're using Mama as an excuse not to join anything."

  "No. I'm not." Tears came to my eyes.

  "Do we have to do this now?" Celia said. "You have a lot on your mind,"

  "You're right. Okay, do what you want. Let's go," Brenda said, and signaled for the check.

  Her mood changes were driving me crazy. I couldn't tell if she hated the sight of me here or was glad I had come despite everything.

  "She pretends she's so cool, but she's really nervous about the game," Celia whispered.

  When we returned to the dormitory, Brenda went directly up to their room. She hadn't said a word all the way back. Celia stood beside me in the parking lot, watching her go into the building. Her eyes narrowed with concern.

  "I'm a little worried about her with all that's on her mind. I mean, your mother and all," she added. "I think I had better spend some time with her. I can tell when she's really uptight. There's a rec room on the first floor, two doors down on the right. Why don't you watch some television or read for a while. and I'll come down as soon as I can?" she said. "Is that all right?"

  "Yes," I said. surprised. Brenda never had shown nervousness before any of the tournaments or big games she had played when she was at home. How was Celia able to tell what was under her skin if I couldn't Or Mama couldn't? And why wouldn't she want me to be there as well to help cheer her up and comfort her? I really felt like an outsider.

  The rec room was bigger than I expected, but there was only one girl in it, watching television. She sat on the settee with her feet up, her shoes off. She didn't look much older than I was. and I wondered if she was a student or a guest like me. Could she have a sister here who was also on the basketball team? I saw she was watching a soap opera, and she was so involved in it she barely gave me a glance.

  I plopped into the chair near the settee.

  "He's lying, you know," she said without taking her eyes off the television set.

  "Excuse me?"

  "Dirk," she said, looking at me quickly. "Amanda is carrying his baby."

  I looked at the set and realized she was speaking about the characters on a soap opera.

  "Oh."

  "Don't you watch Rainbow of Dreams?" The commercial started.

  "No. I'm not familiar with it. I don't really watch much television in the afternoon. My mother used to watch soaps, but she hasn't for some time."

  "I don't see how she could stop. It's like an addiction. I actually scheduled my classes around Rainbow of Dreams."

  "Oh, you're a student?"

  "Of course. What do you think. I just come here to watch television?" She laughed and tilted her head and looked at me. "Now that you mention it, who are you?"

  "I'm Brenda Taylor's sister. I drove to Memphis to watch her play in the championship basketball Zame."

  "Oh, Brenda," she said. "I didn't know she had a sister." she added, glancing at the set. "No one knows much about BC."

  "BC? Why do you call her BC? Her name is Brenda Taylor."

  "Brenda and Celia. BC. Everyone calls them BC around here. They stick to themselves. Literally," she added.

  I felt the blood rush into my face. "What's that supposed to mean?"

  "Nothing," she said. She held up her hand. "I never said a word."

  "Maybe they just don't like the choice of potential friends," I snapped back. and got up.

  She looked at me as if I were from another planet, but the commercials ended, and the building could be on fire and she wouldn't care or turn away again. I was annoyed with her and with being relegated to the rec room while Celia cheered up my sister. I marched out and went to the stairway. Mama had said that two sisters who had gone through as much as we had gone through needed each other. I should be the one up there with Brenda. not Celia.

  I hurried up the stairway and down the hallway to their room. Maybe I should have knocked first. I wasn't thinking. Mama's sudden illness and change of heart, the drive, all the tension between Brenda and me, my feeling so lost, all of it put so much turmoil into my mind that I didn't know whether I was coming or going, and certainly not whether I had made a big error coming here myself.

  Of course. I wondered why they didn't lock their door. When I turned the handle and it opened, the last thing I thought was that would be a problem. I didn't enter. however. I simply stood there stupidly gaping.

  Totally naked. Brenda was on her bed. faceup. Celia was straddling her and rubbing some sort of cream into her shoulders and her arms and then over her breasts. What made it look even stranger to me was that Celia was in her panties and naked from the waist up herself. Neither of them had heard the door open. Brenda gazed to her left and saw me.

  "April!" she cried. "Close the door!"

  Celia shifted and turned to look at me. She looked quickly at Brenda and then back at me.

  "Why didn't you wait downstairs in the rec room?" she asked.

  "There's only one girl down there, and she's watching some stupid soap opera." I swallowed hard and then asked, "What are you doing?"

  "She's giving me a massage,' Brenda said. 'Go take a walk or something."

  The two of them continued to stare at me. I wanted to ask why the person giving the massage had to be almost naked. too. I wanted to ask if women usually had their breasts massaged as well. I wanted to ask if all college roommates were as physically intimate as they seemed to be. I wanted to ask so many things, but instead. I turned and left the room quickly.

  It wasn't until I was standing in the hallway that I realized my face was flushed and my heart was thumping like a flat tire on a car, each beat ripping under and around my breasts.

  Nasty things said to me at school began to submerge from the dark, dank pool of unpleasant memories. Jenna's threat returned. The girl downstairs in the rec room's remark about BC echoed. I actually put my hands over my ears, as though the words were returning from the outside instead of being resurrected from the cemetery of horrid thoughts.

  I shook my head and charged down the hallway to the stairs, practically flying over the steps. Then I hurried out of the building and, without knowing where I was going or even thinking of any direction, just walked down the drive and continued along the street.

  What was I fleeing? My brain reeled with memories and thoughts, images and tantalizing emotions. Was I shocked? Yes. Did it frighten me? A little, Did it excite me? I didn't want to answer, even if I was answering only to myself.

  When Luke touched me in places no one other than my own mother had ever seen. I was shocked and frightened but not tantalized or in any way sexually excited. All I could think of was how to escape.

  For a while up there in Brenda and Celia's room. I was mesmerized. I was filled with the erotic exhilaration of a voyeur, especially during th
ose few moments when neither Brenda nor Celia knew I was in the room watching them. Shouldn't I have been disgusted? Why was I so flushed? Why couldn't I get the sight of them out of my mind?

  Was I going to be like Brenda? Why didn't I have deeper crushes on boys at school? Why didn't I care more about my appearance, my figure? These questions circled me like a swam of mad bees.

  None of us knows who we really art. I thought, My father became a different man. Mama had changed so much I hardly recognized her. Brenda was one sort of big sister and person to me, and now she was another. Who was I? Whom would I be most like?

  I heard laughter behind me and saw a girl and a boy walking together, holding hands and swinging their arms as they walked. Suddenly, they stopped, and there on the sidewalk in broad daylight, they kissed as if they couldn't take another step forward without doing so. What was that sort of passion like? Would I ever find it?

  On and on I walked, until I realized I was getting lost and nearly panicked. If there was one thing I didn't want to do, it was that. I traced my way back, hurrying along. This time. I knocked the door. and Celia opened it. She was in a robe.

  "Oh, we wondered where you had gone. You were away so long."

  "Where's Brenda?" I asked, seeing she wasn't in the room and the bathroom door was open.

  "She's off to the gym. She never eats before a game. Go change into whatever you brought, and we'll walk over to the gym. There's a sandwich shop on the way, and we can have a small bite to eat first, if you want."

  "I don't need to eat before the game, either." I said. "Whatever. That's fine."

  She reached out to brush some hair off my forehead. and I instinctively pulled back. She held her smile and her hand frozen in the air between us.

  "You could do some nice things with your hair. April."

  "I'll change," I said.

  "If you want to shower first..."

  "No, I'm fine," I said.

  She still held her smile. -.Are you all right?"

  No, I wanted to say.I'm not all right. What's going on between you and my sister?