April Shadows

sensed that there was little I could do to draw her out

  of it. and I hoped that somehow she would find the

  strength to put it aside and go on. Maybe it was right

  to pressure her to see a therapist, and soon, because

  maybe he could cure her. I realized my hope was

  selfish. I wanted her to go on for me now.

  That night. I tossed and turned and fretted in

  and out of nightmares, worrying about my return to

  school and facing David. Luke. and Jenna. As it

  turned out. Brenda wasn't wrong. They looked my

  way, but except for their smiles and whispers, they

  didn't bother me. Maybe they thought Brenda and

  Celia would be back immediately, or maybe, as

  Brenda said. I was already old news. They had other

  prey to feast upon.

  I didn't tell anyone about my frightening

  experience, and maybe. because Luke had failed to

  seduce me, they didn't brag about it, either.

  Occasionally, Jenna would give me a shake of her head as if I were the one to be pitied. A week later, she was caught smoking marijuana in the school's basement and was expelled, not suspended. She had been suspended too many times, and the school had a no-tolerance attitude about drugs. Her parents didn't

  do anything to fight the suspension, and she was gone. David got into a bad accident with his father's

  car the following month. He wasn't killed, but he was

  injured severely and spent the rest of the school year

  in hospitals and therapy.

  Luke quit school before Christmas, and then I

  heard he had enlisted in the army.

  None of this happened quickly enough for me.

  Time was not my friend, nor was it Mama's friend. I

  got so I hated looking at clocks. They always seemed

  to have stopped, or it seemed the hands were moving

  through glue. Mama resisted going to see a therapist.

  She made promises to Brenda over the phone but

  never followed through, even when Brenda located

  doctors and practically made the appointments herself.

  Mama always had some excuse not to go. I thought it

  might change when Brenda and Celia returned for the

  Christmas holiday, but they could stay only for a few

  days, and any doctor we could find was already on

  vacation. Brenda's team was remaining on campus and training since they were neck-and-neck for the

  league championship already.

  Mama had lost more weight by the time they

  returned. whereas I had gained back most of what I

  had lost. I was eating more out of frustration and

  depression. but Brenda thought I was just being weak

  and unable to show any discipline. She didn't hide her

  disgust, and if it weren't for Celia, she wouldn't have

  said anything kind to me the whole weekend. The only highlight of my life was passing my

  driver's license test. I had taken the driver's education

  course in school, and that helped a great deal. I had no

  other real experience. Other student drivers went out

  on weekends with their fathers or their mothers. but

  Mama was too nervous to do so with me. I was

  determined to get something right, however. The

  examiner gave me a compliment. He said I was very

  careful and mature.

  In late February, the big game was held to

  determine who would be champions of Brenda's

  schools league. Celia and Brenda had been working

  on Mama to get her to attend. They had even arranged

  for us to have a hotel room nearby. Until the last

  minute. Mama had agreed to go. We were all

  suddenly filled with new hope. Perhaps Mama was emerging from her pit of depression on her own after all. She and I were driving to Memphis, and she was going to let me do most of the driving. I was actually excited about something for the first time in a long

  time.

  Most of the new clothing I had gotten when I

  lost weight, however, no longer fit well. I couldn't

  even close up my jeans. I had to return to my closet

  and sift through older things until I found something

  nice enough to wear to what I was sure would be a

  victory celebration after the game. I regretted not

  sticking to my dieting and procrastinating when it

  came to exercise. I was sure Brenda would chastise

  me for it. Despite my promises, I never joined the

  girls' volleyball team. either.

  The morning of the day of Brenda's big game. I

  woke up early. The night before, I had gotten the car

  all gassed up and ready. I had packed my little

  overnight bag. At dinner. I did almost all the talking.

  Mama sat listening. When Brenda called, she perked

  up a bit and once again assured her we were coining.

  She had lost more weight and had not been to the

  beauty parlor for so long they stopped calling to see if

  she wanted an appointment. She missed her regular

  doctor's checkup as well, and the dentist's receptionist called to see why she hadn't kept her appointment there. She told me she simply forgot. and I made a

  new appointment for her.

  This trip to Memphis would mark Mama's first

  real excursion away from home since Daddy's

  passing. Some of her closer friends had fried on a

  number of occasions to get her to do theater trips or

  shopping trips with them. She always found some

  excuse not to go, and finally, they stopped calling

  altogether. In fact, it was rare to hear our phone ring at

  all these days. When it did, it was often Uncle

  Palaver. If he called when I wasn't there. Mama did a

  good job of covering up her depression and loss of

  interest in everything. But if I answered the phone. I

  told him the truth, first in hopes that he would come

  visit, and second because I was really getting

  frightened for her.

  He did plan on a trip to visit, but another cruise

  ship offered him an opportunity that he said would

  result in his and Destiny's most lucrative payday. He

  promised he would look into visiting us as soon as he

  was ashore again. He knew we were going to see

  Brenda's big game, and Mama had made it sound very

  exciting, so he was optimistic things would begin to

  change and work out for the best.

  Did he really feel that they would, or was he

  saying it just so he would feel better himself? When

  people say. "Everything will be all right," are they

  really saying, "Stop bothering me?" Maybe Daddy

  was right about Uncle Palaver after all. I thought. Maybe he lived in his own world of illusion,

  saw everything through rose-colored glasses, and

  never really grew up.

  "That wasn't it," Mama had insisted when

  Daddy said these things about Uncle Palaver. "This is

  just the life he has chosen for himself. It isn't that he is

  too immature to have a so-called stable life. It's hard,

  if not downright impossible, for him to develop a

  family and work on the road the way he does," she'd

  argue.

  Daddy would shake his head. "You're just as

  bad as he is. Your family's last name should have

  been Rationalization,'" he added, but he smiled and

  shrugged and made no more of it back then. Was he right?

>   Had Mama finally come to the same conclusion

  now?

  "It's all right," she told inc. "Everything will be

  all right," she chanted, her voice drifting off into the

  emptiness her own eves saw for herself.

  Little did I realize then just how far she had

  fallen into that big black hole.

  9 Growing Up Fast

  . I was surprised and disappointed to discover that Mama had not returned to her room after breakfast to dress and get her things together for our trip. Instead, she had gone back to bed,

  "Mama! What are you doing? Why aren't you Zetting dressed?'" I asked from her doorway. "We have to get started. We want to settle in and have some lunch with Brenda and Celia before going to the game. Everything is planned."

  She goaned.

  "What is it? What's wrong?"

  "It's my back," she said. "I have a pocket of

  arthritis at the base of my spine, and it kicks up from time to time. I would be so uncomfortable sitting in a car and later in the stands. April. I'm sorry."

  "You never told me you had arthritis." "I didn't want to mention it to anyone. I don't need to have you and your sister worrying about it. There isn't much to do about it but take some painkillers and rest."

  "How do you know? You went to the doctor?"

  "Yes," she said.

  I stood there staring at her. my face fall of skepticism.

  "I did," she insisted. "I had an appointment when you were at school. There are my pills," she added, nodding at a pill container on her nightstand.

  My shoulders drooped. I had been so looking forward to this trip. I needed it almost as much as I believed Mama did.

  "But I want you to go anyway. April," she said, surprising me. "What?"

  "Just go. Instead of staving at a hotel, you'll stay with Brenda and Celia. I've already called and spoken with Celia about it, and she said she would cancel our hotel reservation. They have a room next to theirs that they are permitted to use for their guests. She checked, and no one else on their floor has requested it. It all works out fine."

  "You want me to drive to Memphis myself and stay in the dorm with them?"

  "Yes, of course. You're old enough and responsible enough to do it. April. You have a good head on your shoulders. I trust you. You're not at all like so many of the young girls your age who let others lead them astray. I'm very proud of you,"

  What could I say? If she knew of the trouble I had been in with David. Luke. and Jenna, she wouldn't be so confident of my abilities. I felt like such a phony, and yet it was true that because of all that. I was far more careful and less innocent when it came to making decisions.

  I thought about what she was telling me to do now. Go to Memphis by myself? What an exciting idea. I had driven around Hickory, of course. but I had yet to make a sizable trip of any kind-- and to finally stay at the college dorm. too! But there was just no way I could leave Mama alone for two days. How could I even contemplate it?

  "I can't leave you, Mama, especially if you're not feeling well."

  "It's just some arthritis. I'll be able to get up and go about my business here just fine. April. I don't need you to babysit me. It will only make me feel worse to see you moping about the house. And I would hate knowing I'm keeping you from being part of your sister's success."

  "Does Brenda know about this?"

  "I'm sure Celia has told her by now or will very soon," she said.

  "I don't know," I said, my reluctant resistance starting to crumble.

  "At least one of us should be there for Brenda," Mama said. "If your father were alive, he would take you for sure, and if he couldn't go for same reason, he would surely send you."

  "But you'll be all alone here. and..."

  "I'm alone here most of the time. anyway. April. It's not going to be anything unusual. Of course. I want you to call me the moment you arrive at the dormitory and let me know you're there safely. Go on." she said when I didn't say anything. "You're a biz girl now, honey. You've got to be more independent. Don't be afraid of it."

  "I'm not afraid of being independent. Mama. That's not it. I'm worried about you."

  "I know, but I'll be fine," she said. "It's really only for a day and a half."

  "Are you sure you can't come with me. Mama? We'll drive slowly, stop if we have to and walk about, or have a cup of coffee in a roadside restaurant."

  "No, that wouldn't help. And besides, I'd just make it unpleasant for everyone, and I want it to be wonderful for Brenda."

  "She wants you there more than she wants me."

  "Oh, no. honey. She talked so much about showing you around the campus."

  "Really?"

  "Yes. Please go. It will make me feel more terrible if you don't. and I can't stand feeling responsible for any more unhappiness in this family." She looked away and added. "I know how I've been a drag on both of you."

  "No, you haven't. Mama. You haven't!"

  "Okay." She turned back to me. "Just go, April, Please. If neither of us shows up. Brenda will be so upset."

  "But..."

  "I'm sure the other girls on the team will have their families watching. Brenda pretends to be selfsufficient, but she needs you."

  "Brenda needs me?"

  "Sisters need each other. April, especially two who have gone through everything you two have gone through."

  If what she was saying were only true. I thought.

  I nodded, Maybe I was rationalizing. Maybe I was being selfish, but the prospect of doing all this on my own was too exciting, and if I didn't go. Mama would be more depressed. I should go. "Okay. Mama. I'll do it." I said.

  "Good. April. Just be careful. Don't pick up any hitchhikers. Go directly to the dormitory. You have the directions Brenda sent us?"

  "Yes." I said.

  "Kiss me Good-bye."

  She held up her arms, and I went to her to hug and kiss her. She held me for a long moment and then smiled at me.

  "My purse is on the dresser," she said. "There's a few hundred dollars in it. Take it. You shouldn't travel without money."

  I did what she said.

  "I'll call you as soon as I get there," I promised.

  "Good. Don't forget. I know it will be very exciting for you to take your first big drive and be on a college campus. but I'll be waiting to hear from you."

  "I won't forget." I said.

  "I told you often that you would be a big Girl soon. Well, soon is here," she said. "yes. Soon is here.'"

  I went to my room, got my overnight bag, and stopped by her doorway one more time to say goodbye. She had her eyes closed but opened them and smiled at me. Then I hurried out to the car and just sat there for a moment, still wondering if I should go or not. It wasn't that far, I decided. If I had to come back, I'd come back. I turned the key, started the engine, triggered the garage door open, and backed out. I closed the garage and drove off, feeling like a student pilot doing his or her first solo flight.

  Minutes later, I had the radio on and was cruising on the highway. It was truly as if I had crossed over some boundary and matured overnight. Although I was sure they weren't, it seemed to me every driver who passed by gazed at me with surprise and awe, impressed that I. April Taylor, who had turned sixteen just recently, was alone and heading for Memphis. One man passing me smiled at me the way I remembered my daddy smiling at me. He even looked like him, and for a moment I thought maybe the dead slip into the bodies of strangers just so they could experience briefly something significant their loved ones who were left behind were doing. Maybe that really was Daddy.

  Or maybe it was only wishful thinking. It had been so long since I had done any of that. Life had become too dark and difficult to permit the entrance of fanciful dreams. Besides. Mama was right. Soon had come. I was older now and had to stop

  fantasizing, pretending like a little girl who pulled on wishbones and hoped she got the longer end. Adults don't have time to daydream. I had to deal with co
ld reality just as well as any adult dealt with it. I had to take responsibility for my actions.

  I was so nervous when I reached the city limits that even though Celia and Brenda's directions were precise, I made one wrong turn. However. I was able to correct it quickly and pulled up to the dormitory building just a little before eleven. I saw the parking lot and drove in, stopping in an available space. When I turned off the engine. I let out my breath as if I had been holding it in the whole trip. I was here. It was easy. Proud of myself. I scooped up my overnight bag and got out of the car.

  The dormitory was a three-story red-brick building with a four-column white portico. I entered a lobby that had a few groups of sofas and chairs, tables, and stands. The floor was a dark brown tile, and there were three good-size chandeliers. The walls were a pale pink with large windows facing the front and sheer white curtains framing them. Four girls were talking and laughing to my right when I entered, One was in a bathrobe, and the others were in jeans and long shirts. The girl in the bathrobe wore a baseball cap. They glanced my way but quickly returned to whatever they were discussing.

  To the left was a desk with no one behind it, and directly in front of me was a set of double doors that led into the residence itself. I stood there for a moment, unsure where to go or what to do next. I had Brenda's room number. 207. I had been hoping she and Celia would be waiting for me in the lobby. Imagining it wouldn't be hard to find their room. I continued through the double doors to a pair of elevator doors and pushed the up button.

  I heard a girl scream with laughter and saw a tall redhead coming down the hallway toward me, accompanied by another girl in an oversized pair of jeans and overshirt. She was short and buxom. They looked at me as they approached.

  "Those elevators are so slow, you're better off taking the stairs, unless you're not supposed to arrive until tomorrow." the redhead said, and gestured toward a door that had 'Stairs" written on it. Her companion laughed again.

  Just then, the elevator door opened. I shrugged and stepped into it, pressing the button for the second floor. It did seem to take an unusual amount of time for the doors to close again, and then the elevator jerked and started up in what seemed inches at a time. It stopped. and I was afraid the doors weren't going to open. They finally did, and I stepped into the secondfloor corridor. I was surprised to see a boy standing in a doorway, leaning over a girl in a translucent nightie. She looked at me, but he didn't turn. Instead, he brought his lips closer to hers. When they kissed. I looked away quickly and followed the room numbers down to 207, which was nearly at the end of the corridor.