Hidden Leaves

  I shoved the teddy bear arm into my pocket and approached her. She didn't look at me. Her eyes were so glassy. My biggest fear was she had gone catatonic.

  "Grace," I said and reached for her right hand. It was pressed over her left and both were on her stomach. To lift that hand would take some major effort, prying as if with a crowbar. I have seen patients who are in such a catatonic, stiff state. Willow, that forcing their appendages in any direction resulted in actually breaking the bone.

  I quickly ordered a sedative and Suzanne went out to get it.

  "Grace," I began. "don't do this to yourself. Don't let this happen. We can be strong together. Don't retreat from me. Grace. Stay with me," I pleaded, more like a husband or lover than a doctor. "I need you, Grace. Please."

  There was an ever so slight flicker in her eyes that gave me hope. If I could keep this incident to a single reaction of shack. I could keep her from falling into a chronic condition. The nurse returned with the syringe, and I gave Grace the shot. Shortly afterward her body became more pliable, and I was able to get her to lie back.

  "Talk to the attendants." I told the nurse. "See if you can learn how this terrible thing happened. Who was in the hallways? Who had access to her room? What did you see?"

  "I didn't see anything. Doctor," Suzanne replied. "because I just came an duty a short time ago. Grace must have just pulled the blanket down to prepare for bed when she saw... saw it," she told me.

  "Okay. I want to be sure there isn't anything else in the room."

  I began to search. Nurse Cohen returned with two of our male attendants who joined me, and we examined every inch of the place before determining there was nothing else of any shack value present.

  Meanwhile, the nurse checked Grace's pulse and blood pressure. She was resting comfortably. but I decided I would not leave her bedside. I went out and told Miles I was going to remain at the clinic all night. I sent him back to the house for a change of clothing far me, and then I returned to Grace's room and slept in the chair beside her bed, waking every once in a while to observe her. She groaned and moaned a bit, her lips twitching and her eyelids showing rapid eyeball movement. I could just imagine the horrors she was reliving in her deep sleep. and I wished I could somehow crawl into her mind and drive them away.

  Just before morning, she woke. I was still sleeping. but I heard her call my name and I opened my eyes. She was on her side, staring at me. I leaped up and knelt beside her bed, reaching for her hands.

  "Grace, how are you?"

  "I feel so tired, so tired inside." she said.

  "I imagine you would. You've been through a terribly traumatic time

  She closed her eyes and seemed to drift off again. I waited. The minutes went by, and then she opened her eyes and looked at me in a strangely cold way.

  "I have to leave you, Claude. I have to go away," she said.

  I shook my head. "More than ever, you have to stay here now, Grace. I wouldn't let you out. Your mother can bring an army to the door and I'll fight them back."

  "I'll destroy you if you don't let are go," she said, then closed her eyes and drifted off again.

  This time I let her sleep. I went to my office, got my change of clothing, and went to shower and shave and freshen myself as best I could. I was surprised by Miles's arrival, He came directly to my office to tell me Alberta was very angry.

  "I never saw her in such a rage." he said. "After she saw what I was doing and heard you were staying at the clinic. I think she broke something."

  "I'll take care of it. Miles. Thank you."

  "I thought I'd better let you know." he said and left. There was no doubt in my mind that he would stand beside me on a trip to hell. I was fortunate to have such a dedicated friend and still am. I know he'll always be dedicated to you as well. Willow.

  As soon as Nurse Gordon returned to duty, I told her what had occurred and ordered her to conduct a more vigorous investigation.

  "Either some attendant is having a sick, jolly time here or we have another patient who is smarter than everyone working here. Nadine. One way or another. I want this brought to an end, a conclusion." I said.

  She looked at me and shook her head as if I was the one having delusions. Then she went to carry out my orders.

  I returned to Grace's room and found she was more awake, albeit still quite groggy from the medicine and the trauma. I asked one of our female attendants to help her wash and dress, and then I ordered some breakfast for her and had it brought to her room. where I sat with her to make sure she ate something,

  "I'm sorry about what happened last night. Grace." I told her. "But I'll not rest until I find out who did that and how. I promise you." I said.

  She didn't reply. She ate slowly, her eyes fixed on the floor.

  "You've got to help me help you. Grace. I want you to exercise more, take walks again, get back to work in the arts and crafts room, read again, by. If you don't try, you won't get better," I said.

  "I've got to leave you. Claude." she repeated, shaking her head. "I've go to go."

  "That's silly. Grace. Where will you go? You don't want to return to Florida and to your little boy while you are like this, do you? How will that be for him?"

  She pressed her lips together and began to tremble. I put my arm around her shoulders and held her close to me, kissing her cheek and her temple and her hair.

  "I won't rest until I help you. Grace. I swear."

  "You can't help me," she insisted and then added a cryptic, "I can only help you."

  "You can only help me if you get better," I countered. She didn't respond. It was as though she could hear nothing but the voices within her now.

  In the days and weeks to follow, her depression was deep again. She had no interest in doing anything but sleeping. I tried to lift her spirits with some moodenhancing drugs even though I knew this was only a temporary solution, and when I did get her to do something, she did it mechanically without any passion whatsoever.

  One afternoon Ralston came to see me to discuss Grace's condition,

  "This one is slipping through our fingers, Claude," he began. "Nurse Gordon has been giving me updates on her."

  "Giving you updates?"

  "Now, don't go chastising her, Claude. She claims you're taking this all too personally, that you've become too involved with this patient to be

  objective."

  "Who is she to make such a diagnosis of the situation. Ralston? That woman steps over the boundaries constantly here. I admit she has a lot of experience and she is very efficient and dedicated, but she is not a trained psychiatrist, and I think it's inexcusable for her to have gone to you like this. I am the lead doctor treating Grace Montgomery. and Nadine knows that. I am disappointed that you even received her. Ralston."

  "I'm concerned only for you. Claude." he said.

  You should be concerned only for our patient," I retorted. "I am. That's why I'm here," he fired back at me.

  We were both quiet. It wasn't often that we were at each other like this. and I knew it had a great deal to do with my relationship with Grace,

  "Her condition has become very severe. All I'm saving is this might not be the right place for her. You've had some terrible ups and downs with her. Claude."

  "I don't see it that way. Ralston. I think I still have an opportunity to help her. Now. I want you to support me as to this business with Nadine Gordon. It's inappropriate behavior and you would not like it if the roles were reversed," I said firmly.

  He nodded. "Okay," he said. "You're not wrong about that."

  I called out and asked that Nurse Gordon come to my office immediately. I could see Ralston was uncomfortable, but this was a matter of protocol that I wouldn't permit to be violated.

  "Nadine," I began when she entered. "Dr. Price has told me about your reports to him concerning one of my patients. This is entirely inappropriate of you and I resent it." I began.

  She raised her shoulders and stiffened her spine.

 
"I did what I thought was appropriate," she fired back at me.

  "You did wrong," I said sharply, "and Dr. Price has remained here to tell you that as well."

  Her eyes barely flickered. She didn't as much as glance at Ralston. Her attention was fixed solely on me. I thought she looked disappointed, however, and not angry.

  "I was only trying to protect you. Doctor." she said after another moment. "I'm sorry you don't realize that,"

  "Protect me? From what?"

  "From failure," she said. "From making a mistake."

  For a moment I didn't know what she meant. What did she know ?

  "Your motives are admirable. Nadine." Ralston said. "We both appreciate that, but I'm afraid Dr. De Beers is right to be upset. I should have told you to report to him and not to me. I am somewhat at fault here, too, but in the future, please go through the proper channels," he concluded.

  "Very well. Doctor." she said. "Is that all?"

  "No." I said. Ralston's eyebrows lifted. Nadine's face turned a bit crimson, "How have you been doing with the investigation of the incident in Grace Montgomery's room?"

  The teddy bear's arm?" she asked, as if it was a simple prank someone might pull on Halloween.

  "Yes. I consider it quite serious."

  "I am confident it has nothing to do with any other patient of ours. Doctor. I can't be sure about all the attendants, but the ones on duty that night are very reliable in my view." She glanced at Ralston. There was something that he hadn't told me. I could see the conspiratorial look.

  "And?" I asked.

  "And I think there is a possibility Grace Montgomery did this herself,"

  "That's ridiculous." I snapped back at her.

  "You remember Claudia Boston, the teenage girl we had as a patient two years ago?" she said calmly.

  "She was hiding her own things and accusing everyone of stealing from her."

  "That's no analogy. There are too many differences," I said, but Ralston didn't look as if he agreed.

  "Nevertheless, it's a possibility, Doctor."

  "Well, where did she hide the thing all this time. Nadine?" I asked with exasperation. "We've turned this clinic inside out looking for it, especially in her room."

  "Maybe she found a place to hide it during one of your frequent walks with her," she threw back at me.

  I know I was the one turning a bit crimson now, Willow. Ralston raised his eyebrows again and gave his "Ummm"

  "All right," I said. "I don't want to keep you from your duties. Please keep what Dr. Price and I have said to you in mind."

  She didn't reply. She just turned and left, but at the door she looked back at me. and Willow. I swear it was a young woman's look of pain. It was as if I had somehow betrayed her and not vice versa.

  "Step back a bit, Claude," Ralston told me when he stood up to go. "Take a few deep breaths and look at the situation again. All of it." he added and then left me.

  I sat back and gave what he said deep thought. Reviewing my confrontation with Nadine Gordon, however. I was ever more disturbed and concerned. The look I had seen in her eyes when she had left us troubled me. What I suspected. Willow, was that the attention I had been giving to Grace bothered Nadine far too much. It finally occurred to me that in her bizarre fashion, my head nurse was actually jealous. All sorts of thoughts passed through my mind then, and one horrifying one settled at the top.

  I deliberately remained at the clinic after Nurse Gordon's shift had ended. As soon as she left the clinic. I went to our nurses' quarters. Everyone was busy attending to her duties. Each of our nurses had her own locker for her private things. I had a master key that opened everything in the clinic, including those lockers. You can't imagine how my fingers trembled when I inserted the key into that lock and opened that cabinet. Willow. At first I saw nothing unusual. Then I moved a blouse aside and there it was: Grace's teddy bear with the arm torn off. I think all the blood in my head went to my feet. I was numb with shock. I took out the stuffed animal, quickly closed the locker, and returned to my office. where I sat trying to decide how to handle this obviously vicious act. The more I looked at the torn teddy bear, the more my shock turned to rage.

  I decided not to let another moment go by. I looked at the files, jotted down Nadine's address, and called for Miles.

  "I have to make a stop on the way home tonight," I told him and gave him Nadine Gordon's address.

  Never having been there before. I searched the directory at the front door and found she was on the first floor. I buzzed and waited. It took so long for her to respond. I didn't think she was home, but finally she asked who it was and I identified myself. The front door was buzzed open immediately, and I heard her open her apartment door down toward the end of the corridor. -Wearing a faded pink robe, she was standing in the doorway, obviously quite shocked by my arrival,

  "Dr. De Beers, what brings you here?" she asked.

  "This," I said and took the torn teddy bear out of my briefcase. Her face turned a dark shade of crimson.

  "Where did you find that?" she demanded,

  "Where do you think I found it. Nadine?" I replied and stepped toward her so aggressively, she pulled back. I didn't go any farther into her apartment than her entryway and closed the door behind me, "How could you do such a terrible thing?" I asked.

  "I didn't do any terrible thing. I found that and put in my my personal cabinet. I didn't want to disturb you with it," she quicky added. She wasn't a good liar. Her lips trembled too much, her eyes shifted guiltily away from mine.

  "You know I won't believe that. Nadine. Why did you do it?"

  She looked at me a moment and then shook the fabrications out of her mind and became angry herself.

  "Because you were getting too involved with this one patient and you couldn't see what it was doing to you, that's why. She's a conniving, manipulating... I did it to help you, to bring about an end to your... your..."

  "What?"

  "Fraternizing. You aren't treating her anymore. You're socializing. You're--"

  "How dare you do such a thing, assume such things, take such liberties with a patient of mine? This is one of the cruelest things I've seen. I don't want you there any longer. Nadine. I'll send you your severance pay, and I'll have your things sent to you as well. From this day forward you have nothing to do with the clinic or me," I said, turned and opened the door.

  "You'll regret that!" she shouted after me. "I am the only one who really cares about you. Dr. De Beers!" she yelled as I walked down the corridor. "You'll see."

  I was glad to shut the entrance behind me, take a deep breath, and go on home.

  All the confrontation did was fill me with a more desperate determination to be with Grace and to help her. I couldn't wait to get to her the following day. It was a very bright, warm day with streams of thin, sheer clouds spread randomly over the soft blue sky. She had permitted an attendant to take her out to the gardens, where she sat quietly. For a moment I stood back and watched her. She looked so young and innocent, tally part of the natural beauty in which she had surrounded herself. Willow. The breeze made strands of her hair dance softly over her forehead. Two sparrows toyed with landing beside her, bringing a gentle smile to those lovely lips of hers.

  When I approached her, she looked up at me. The moment she realized it was I. her eyes became a second or so from filling with tears.

  "I'm so happy you've come out here. Grace," I began.

  She shook her head. "Let me go. Claude," she pleaded. "Before it's too late."

  "What are you talking about. Grace? How can keeping you here with me ever be too late?"

  She looked away and took a deep breath.

  "Grace, how do you think I would feel the day after you left? How effective would I be with my other patients? Don't you understand? I love you, Grace. You're not simply one of my patients. You're a new reason for me to be. and I hope that somehow I can be the same to you."

  She looked up at me, her eyes now awash in those tears I saw
pending.

  "That can never be. Claude. You know that." "I don't know anything. I'll find a way. I'll--"

  "Claude," she said. pressing her small clenched fists against her bosom. "I'm pregnant."

  I could hear the hollow, resonating sound of Nadine Gordon shouting after me in the hallway.

  And suddenly it was like all the leaves and blossoms of the flowers around Grace and me came raining down around us like so many tears.

  10

  A Visit from Jackie Lee

  .

  My legs actually went out from under me.

  Willow. I sat beside her quickly. It was as if a clap of thunder had none off right beside my ear and snapped me back to reality. This dream I had been living in was over, probably forever. Of course. I asked the expected questions: Are you sure? When did you realize it? That was when I figured out exactly when you were conceived. I shook my head, wondering what was wrong with me? How could I have not anticipated this possibility?

  "I'm sorry," Grace said.

  "Oh, no. no." I protested. "You have nothing about which to be sorry, Grace. I am the one who should have an apology branded on his forehead. I'm your doctor here. You have been under my care."

  She stared at me a moment. "You're right." she said. "I'm not sorry, but not for that reason. I'm not sorry because I am carrying our love inside me," she added.

  I felt as if my heart would burst with joy and admiration. How could she, the one who was clinically depressed, the one who had suffered so, be the one to see something beautiful and hopeful in this crisis? Was our love truly that strong? Had I been right to believe in it, in its healing- powers?

  "That's nice of you to say. Grace," I told her. but I would be even more remiss if I did not point out the consequences for you as well as for me."

  I thought a moment.

  "There might be a way to keep people from knowing this. I could contact a doctor I trust and--"

  "What are you saying? You can't be serious!" she cried, her eyes wide with shock. "The baby is all we have, can have together."