Jaq With a Q

  “Hello, Ollie. Are you home now?”

  I smiled hearing her voice, a warm and strange sensation felt deep in my chest as my eyes met the majestic moon. “No, but if you’ll go look out your window, we’ll both be looking up at the same moon. Go look, Jaq. It’s beautiful, like you could reach out and touch it.”

  “What am I, Fievel Goes West?”

  “Huh?”

  “You know, the song, sleeping underneath the same big sky?”

  “Um, yeah, no idea.”

  “Seriously? You’ve never seen Fievel Goes West?”

  “No, but we’ll talk about that later. I really want you to go look out the window,” I beckoned, my eyes staring out at the moon, smears of deep purples, yellows, and reds just over the lake, the full moon right behind.

  “I’m already in bed and besides, I’m in New York. The moon’s all blurry here.”

  I dropped it when I realized I’d forgotten that it was after dark and she’d already locked herself in her bathroom for the night. “Well, let me tell you about it. It’s a giant, shimmering disk. One way you look at it, it looks silver, and the next pearl white. It’s hanging all alone in the sky, but it’s not lonely. There’s millions of twinkling stars all around, and the colors lingering from the sun and the lake, they’re art worthy, Jaq. I can’t wait until you see it.

  “Why do you keep saying that? I’m not coming there.”

  “Okay, but how about you let me bring supper to you when I get home Sunday. I’ll even stay and watch Fievel Goes East.”

  “It’s West, and no. I don’t want to do that.”

  “Come on, Jaq. Why not? We talk all the time. You told me you trusted me, remember?”

  “I can’t eat with you, Ollie. I can’t.”

  If this was ever going to work, I needed to get closer. I needed her to get closer to me. As long as I did this, kept this up with her, she’d take it. I’d never get her in the car. “Why? Okay, how about this. I’ll bring supper, you let me bring it up, and I’ll eat in the hall, right outside your door, and then maybe the next time, I can come in.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Come on. Don’t you want to see how handsome I am?”

  “You’re not my boyfriend.”

  Well, shit. That’s not what I meant to portray. “No, no. I didn’t mean it that way. I was teasing. I—I never mind.”

  “I’ll just let Wallace bring it. I’m kind of hungry for those eggrolls you got the other day, the ones with the cheese and sausage. We could watch the movie now. I brought my laptop to the bath—to bed with me. You’ll like it, but we need to watch ‘An American Tail’ first. That’s the first one.”

  With a deep sigh, I went into retrieve my laptop, bringing it back to the porch. Already, I knew Jaq well enough to know I wouldn’t win. She wouldn’t let me come into her apartment, but she didn’t have a bit of problem using my money for movies or food. Regardless, I knew without a doubt I would play along for as long as I had to, for as long as it took.

  Jaq and I watched the movie, barely speaking. She watched, and I researched stores in the area, a vison of how I wanted her room to look playing out in my head. As much as I loved Silas and as much as I wanted to spend some time with him, I really wished it wasn’t this weekend. I had things to do. So many things to do. Her room, the porch, I needed to get a contractor there to start on the new garage, the yard needed mowed, the windows and roof replaced, the lane graveled. So much to do, so little time. Deciding to focus on her room, I picked out pretty things I thought she would like, a photographic image implanting in my mind. That would make it easy the following day when I went to the local department store.

  Silas popped into my mind when I thought about shopping for Jaq with him. He would want to tag along, and I would have to hear it all over again.

  “Did you like it?”

  I switched the camera over to Jaq, the remnants of the catchy tune and scrolling credits the only thing left of the movie. “Yes, you were right. I did like it, and we’re both sleeping under the same big sky.”

  “Well, I still don’t like it. You shouldn’t go there anymore. Are you coming home tomorrow?”

  “No. Sunday, I told you already. I have a lot of work to do here.”

  “But why? Your job is here. You should do work here.”

  I thought about how much I should tell her, ready to spit it out, let her in on all of it, and then changed my mind. She didn’t need to know my premeditated ideas, or that I would be giving my two weeks’ notice first thing Monday morning. She didn’t need to know that I planned on coming back to work the following weekend to get ready.

  For her.

  “I’ll be back on Sunday. We talked about this. I have things to do here, remember?”

  Her tone was sad; like she was saying one thing and thinking another. She wanted to come, she just didn’t think she could do it. “You know I’m never going to go there, right? I hope you know that.”

  I stood from the swing, the chains creaking as I lifted my weight, and walked off the porch. Had I been the thirteen-year-old boy who’d left there, I would have walked right down to the dock, but a hint of fear stopped me, and I wondered why. When did I become afraid of what’s out there? When did Jaq become afraid of what’s out there? A plethora of stars twinkled above, the moon had changed positions, and heavy dew had covered everything.

  “Yeah, I know. I’m going to help you with that.”

  “You can’t. Goodnight, Ollie.”

  “Night, Jaq.”

  I walked as far as the cracked sidewalk and stopped. Maybe it was how grown up everything was. Once I had the land cleared off, I’d walk out there in the middle of the night. The thought of Jaq doing that with me crossed my mind, yet it felt foreign, like a dream that would never come true. With that thought, I frowned, checking my intentions with confusion. Silas was absolutely right. Jaq had come into my life from out of nowhere, hitting me with the perfect kind of crazy. Jaq was my kind of crazy. I craved her, she consumed me, and I wanted her. But why? Why her?

  Silas never came home, not that I thought he would or anything. I spent the entire night clearing out Jaq’s room, scrubbing the hardwood floors, cleaning the bathroom, and trying to make it new. That’s what she needed. New, fresh, and clean. Pretty. Jaq didn’t have anything pretty. I wanted her to have pretty things, things nobody had given her before. A pink vase for the flowers I would plant around the cabin was added to my mental note, along with white sheers for the French doors.

  “What the fuck are you doing?”

  “Oh, Jesus Criminy, Silas. What the hell is wrong with you? Announce yourself before you do that.”

  “You can’t kidnap a girl, Oliver. She’s not even right in the head. You’re not right in the head. What the hell? Stop this nonsense.”

  “The mattress is pretty old. I’m going to a mattress store tomorrow. It looks good, huh? I’m going with all white. Pink here and there, but mostly white.”

  Silas wagged a finger my way and walked out of the room. “Whatever, man. You do whatever you want, but leave me out of it. I don’t want any part of this shit. You’re whacked. You’re crazy and nothing good will come of this. You watch and see, little brother. You can have the top bunk.”

  I stayed in Jaq’s room. A quick shower and clean warm sheets from the dryer is about the last thing I remembered. A deep sleep hit me quickly and happily, taking over my hard work; my mental exhaustion finally finding solace and peace.

  The smoke filled my lungs, burning chemicals branded my eyes and I choked, coughing and gagging on thick smoldering air. Silas’s matching scream caught my attention, his face as terrified as I felt. Two police officers held him back just like they had me, and everyone watched. They just watched.

  So much for the clean sheets, not that it mattered. The elastic was all dry rotted and they would have been off the corners by morning anyway. Everything was soaked, the sheets, my shirt, my body, and my hair. I breathed in a deep breath and sat u
p, realizing how long it had been since I’d had that dream. That was only the second time since I had met Jaq. The thought of them dwindling to a couple in the past few weeks to two, was sort of astounding to me. I’d been too busy to even notice, but it was fact. I hadn’t been having the nightmare much at all.

  Fighting the urge to see if Jaq’s laptop was still open, I slipped out of my damp shirt, and laid back. My eyes closed as my hand reached for my phone, doing the opposite of what my brain had instructed. I sat up again when I saw her. She was leaned against the tub, her arms hugging her naked body.

  Jaq was crying, tears streaming down her cheeks, and she was chanting something that made no sense at all. Turning up the volume, I ran for my notebook. “He was bleeding a whole bunch. It wouldn’t stop.”

  I didn’t write that. I froze. Maybe Silas was right. Maybe I needed to get out while I still could. Did she kill someone? Did someone hurt her? Is that why she did it? Is that why she’s so afraid? Question after question filled my mind, but not one answer. Blood. A lot of blood, and it wouldn’t stop. What the fuck did that mean? I jotted the sentence down in a section labeled as bewildered, meaning I had no idea. It was like trying to figure out what came before the big bang. With my pen to the paper, I listened for more, but I didn’t get it. Jaq just cried, her face skewed and full of pain.

  I couldn’t help it, and honestly, I didn’t even try. With everything in me, I wanted to take that away from her. Even after learning that she may be this way because of what she’d done. If Jaq hurt someone, they deserved it. That was a fact. Multitasking, I scrolled for her number and set up my laptop at the same time. Once I saw her there, still sad and crying, I dialed her number.

  Jaq had her phone close to her chest, between her knees and her body. “Hello, why are you calling me? It’s the middle of the night.”

  With the hook in place, I fed her the bait. “I know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t sleep. I’ll let you go.”

  And she nibbled on it. “It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep either. Why couldn’t you sleep?”

  I turned my laptop on the nightstand that I planned on replacing, and laid back, debating on what to talk about. “I had a nightmare.”

  Jaq wiped tears from her face with her fingers, the pain easing from her eyes. “About what?”

  “Something that happened here, thirteen years ago.”

  “See, I told you not to go there. What happened? Tell me.”

  I had never repeated that story to anyone, nor did I talk about it. Not even with Silas. We were both there. We knew what went down, and we didn’t need to relive it, but for confusing reasons, I told Jaq. It wasn’t for me. It was for her. I told it in hopes of getting her mind off her own nightmare. Whatever that was.

  “My dad was a college professor, a philosopher, but his passion was physics and mental illness. He spent a lot of time in the lab there, trying to design a drug for a patient he’d had before Silas and I were born.”

  “Silas is your brother?”

  “Yes, two years older than me.”

  “Okay. Why did he have a patient if he was a professor? I don’t understand?”

  “I don’t understand all of that yet either, but my dad has some journals around here somewhere. I just have to find them.”

  “You think there’s something in them that you can help me with, right?”

  “I know there is. I found them once in his lab when I was twelve. He scolded me and took them from me. My dad was on to something, but I was young. Even though I was intrigued, I was more absorbed in summer break and exploring with Silas. I did sneak back in to read them later, but they were gone. He moved them, and to this day, I don’t know why.”

  Jaq sniffed and interrupted again, not that I cared. She wasn’t crying anymore, that’s all that mattered to me. “Probably because you were too young. Maybe he wanted to wait and see if you grew up smart or dumb like me.”

  “Don’t say that. Why would you say that? You’re not dumb, and I never want to hear that come out of your mouth again. Do you understand me?”

  “Yeah, sure, doctor. Don’t forget, you’re talking to an expert here. I’ve heard all the self-talk crap you think you can give me. I know all about the low self-esteem stuff, the positive affirmations I should practice, and the things I should be grateful for. None of that works for me, so if that’s what you think, you’re wasting your time. You’re not going to save me, Ollie. You’re not. It is what it is, and I’m tired of calling it anything more than that. I’m not like other girls. I’m not.”

  “I don’t care about that, Jaq, but I do care about you being happy, and I honestly think I can help.”

  “With some magic potion from your famous dad?”

  “He was only famous for a minute, and only to a handful of scientists. Why don’t you stop being a defeatist? And I meant what I said. I never want to hear that again. Do you understand me?”

  “Yes, but I don’t know what defeatist means.”

  My serious expression softened with the instant smile. “It means stop being the prophet of despair. Look for the light.”

  Jaq looked around her small bathroom, her sarcastic words, matching the expression on her face. “Yeah, okay. I’ll do that. Tell me about your nightmare. I want to know.”

  She didn’t want to know. She wanted the focus off her. Jaq was what you might call an expert at manipulation. I saw through it, yet I let her do it.

  “It was the last summer I was here. My dad was in the garage where a real live lab had taken over in the past few years. I was young so I didn’t really understand it, but I knew my father had lost his job at the university over a breakthrough drug. One that helped schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety disease, and numerous counts of phobias.”

  “I have all those.”

  I ignored Jaq’s self-diagnosis and continued the story. “My dad was so excited; like nothing I had ever seen before. We didn’t see him a lot that last year, but we understood. He was about to change the way the world viewed mental illness with one simple pill. Taken once a day, and time released throughout the day. He had his panel of investors lined up, his drug study patients, all ready to go to bat. It wasn’t supposed to end like it did. It was supposed to be a good thing, but they made it bad.”

  “Why?”

  “Because one of the main ingredients were LSD. People didn’t take well to it. Not like he had expected. The university destroyed his work there, they fired him, and banned him from campus.”

  “All because of the LSD?”

  “Yes, well that’s the excuse they gave. What it really boiled down to was the effect it would have on the mental health field and that spectrum of the drug industry.”

  “And then what happened?”

  The words stuck in my throat when Jaq stood to check the dampness of her haging attire, her perfect round ass taking over my entire screen. Ignoring the twitch behind my shorts, I continued. “He sold everything we had, including our house there in New York.”

  Jaq squatted back to the floor, covering herself with the same blanket she always used, but not before I saw her breasts. That twitch came with growth and was harder to ignore. “Stop saying it like that.”

  “What?” I questioned, my eyes blinking away lustful visions.

  “There in New York. It makes me anxious. I’ve been pretending like you’re still here, but you mess it up when you say stuff like that. Keep going. Then what happened?”

  A crooked grin took over my face, and I continued. “My dad turned the garage here into a lab, where he continued to work, day and night, trying to recapture all the work they had destroyed. The drug he knew would help so many people. Silas and I didn’t mind. We were at the one place we loved, and we knew that he was in the midst of something great. Something that he believed in with all his heart.”

  “He had to start over? What about the notebooks?”

  “He started those over, too. He had to. The lab demolished everything but his mind. I’m going to find them.” r />
  Jaq’s chest rose and fell, her eyes darting around the room before speaking words I was sure weren’t the same as the ones in her mind. “Are you going to make it? The drug? Are you going to make it in his lab? For me?”

  There it was, the questions she really wanted to ask. Without using the word experiment, I told the truth, sidestepping it with my plans. “Yes, I’m going to talk to a contractor about constructing a new building where the garage was.”

  “What happened to the old one?”

  “It blew up.”

  In a nonchalant tone, Jaq finished the story. “Your dad was in it? Is that the nightmare you had?”

  “Yes, only it starts out with a plane crash. A small plane with my dad, Silas, and a few other people.”

  “Did you crash in a plane?”

  “Sort of, but the pilot was able to land us with nobody getting killed. It was scary as hell for a little kid, but nothing really bad happened. The plane never touches the ground in my dream, but the smoke filled cabin is always there, the sounds of the engine sputtering on, and right back off, are there and then the explosion. I’m back here with Silas, trying to get in to save my dad.”

  “Your dad died there and you still love it there?”

  I smiled and decided that I indeed did. It felt good to be back there. A place where time stood still, when every minute was lived and not timed. Where laughter and fun surrounded the three of us like a sheltered cocoon. Maybe what I had been looking for wasn’t out there after all. Maybe it was right here. With her. With Jaq.

  Chapter Seven

  I woke to the sun pouring in from the streaked glass doors, and to the smell of coffee. Surely Silas hadn’t made coffee with thirteen-year-old beans. The thought of it brought the realization of all that needed to be done in there, as well.

  “Oliver, dude, Pokémon cereal. Do you want a bowl?” Silas greeted as I joined him, happy that he’d hit the reset button.

  I took the white Starbucks cup, inhaling the robust aroma. “Looks like the mice ate most of it. I didn’t even hear you leave. Where did you get this? There’s a Starbucks in town, too? Man have things changed.”