Mutant Bunny Island

  “What does your uncle know?”

  “He knows how to dismantle a newton bomb, for starters.”

  “And you believe all of this?”

  “Of course.”

  “You’re not just pulling a prank on me?”

  “No way. Cross my three hearts.”

  “Is that a newt thing?”

  “No, it’s squids that have three hearts,” I explained. “And two ink sacks. Newts just have a single heart and toxic skin. Now, do you know if there is a swamp or cave on this island?”

  “Not that I know of. But there’s a clearing near Whisker Cliffs.”

  “A clearing?” I asked, barely able to contain my excitement.

  “What’s so great about a clearing?”

  I spit and sputtered for a few seconds before I could speak clearly. “What’s so great about a clearing?! In Ocean Blasterzoids Issue #26, Admiral Uli says that clearings are perfect for land battles or holding St. Suction Day celebrations.”

  “St. Suction Day?”

  “It’s kind of like our Christmas.”

  “Cool.”

  “Can you take me there?”

  “So you can celebrate . . . sucking?” Juliet asked.

  “No, St. Suction Day is in March,” I told her. “I need to go because there could be clues. I have a feeling about this. In Issue #23, Admiral Uli uses a clearing to gather his oxygen-breathing troops. It was there he found newt footprints that led him to the plans for their desalinization weapons.”

  “You have issues.”

  “I know, I have tons of them. I’ve been collecting comics for years.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “Well, I’m going to pretend it was,” I replied. “Now lead the way, we don’t have a moment to waste!”

  Juliet smiled. “You’re going to owe me big-time.”

  “If things go well, the whole world will owe both of us.”

  “I like that.”

  Juliet took off running, and I followed right behind.

  CHAPTER NINE

  BLURRY THOUGHTS AT THE CLEARING

  It took too much walking to get to the clearing. It also took a ton of complaining about how much walking I had to do.

  “My calves are burning,” I said, hoping Juliet would slow down a little. “I need to find my uncle, but I also need to breathe.”

  “You don’t get much exercise, do you?”

  “Does vacuuming count? Because my dad always makes me vacuum.”

  “No, vacuuming doesn’t count as exercise.”

  We pushed through thick, bird-filled palm trees, dodged a few Bunny Mooners on Segways, and hopped over hundreds of real rabbits sleeping in the shade. We walked over a couple of sandy dunes as Juliet played tour guide and I tried to pretend that walking uphill wasn’t killing me.

  “These little hills are called the Bunny Bumps,” she explained.

  “I think I can feel my lungs coming up my throat!” I explained back.

  Finally, on the other side of the Bunny Bumps, I spotted the clearing.

  The space was probably about the size of a football field, but to be honest I have no idea how big a football field is. I do know the exact measurements of Admiral Uli’s Blowfish Ball Arena, and this clearing was similarly enormous.

  In the middle of the grass, a man was riding a lawn mower. He had on large headphones, long shorts, and a sports coat. He was way too fancy looking to be mowing, and he vaguely resembled the person I had seen on the banners at the airport.

  “Is that the mayor?” I asked, still attempting to catch my breath.

  “Yes,” Juliet replied, having already caught hers.

  The clearing seemed like the perfect spot for something important to go down. The ground was flat and grassy and surrounded by thick bushes and trees.

  “I forgot the mayor might be here,” Juliet said. “He mows the clearing every other Monday. He might make us get off the grass or lecture us on the evils of junk food.”

  I sighed the kind of heavy sigh Admiral Uli did when he heard that Coral the Kid had escaped from Eelcatraz prison.

  “Adults are always warning me about junk food. I wish they’d worry more about the taste of things like broccoli.”

  “So does this clearing look like your comics?”

  “Yes and no. Mainly no, but for some reason it gives me squid pimples to look at it.”

  “I hope they’re not painful.”

  “They’re not. And this space does look like the right size.”

  “Right for what?” Juliet asked.

  “To dock a newt landship,” I said. “And the way it’s surrounded by trees makes it private. Of course, I can’t see any newts showing up while your mayor’s mowing.”

  I started to walk around the clearing to look for any clues. Juliet followed closely behind. As we were searching, the mayor drove up on the mower and stopped right in front of us. He turned off the engine, and I could hear waves in the distance and seagulls squawking in the air. The freshly cut grass made my nose start to run.

  “Well, hello, Juliet. Who have we here?”

  “Perry,” I answered for her.

  “Hello, Perry. I’m Mayor Lapin. I don’t believe I’ve had the chance to meet you.”

  The mayor climbed down off the mower and walked up to me with a large smile and an outstretched hand. He was more tanned in life than on his banners, and he had a single out-of-place tooth that stuck out and was almost hypnotizing to look at. I shook his hand while gazing at his tooth. He shook back and complimented me on my T-shirt.

  “Ocean Blasterzoids,” he practically sang. “I remember those comics.”

  “You do?” I couldn’t believe it! It made my heart race to know that someone here besides me and my uncle and maybe Juliet’s mom was an Uli fan.

  “It’s been a long time, but I think I remember there was an octopus and a salamander.”

  “A squid and a newt,” I corrected him.

  “Yes, that’s it. How fun to reminisce. And you say your name is Perry?”

  I nodded.

  “What brings you here to Bunny Island, Perry?” the mayor asked.

  “I’m visiting my uncle.”

  “And what’s your uncle’s name?”

  “Zeke Owens.”

  Both Juliet and Mayor Lapin made guffaw noises.

  “Your uncle is Zeke?” Juliet asked.

  I nodded.

  “Zeke’s a terrific person,” the mayor said. “Liked by all. He’s very important to this island. How is he these days?”

  Juliet began to say something, but I elbowed her in the arm to shut her up. I wanted to tell the mayor that my uncle was missing, but it was too early in my investigation. It wasn’t worth speaking up and having some adult try to stop me from finding my uncle. Admiral Uli never gave out more information than he had to.

  “My uncle’s fine,” I lied.

  “Good, good. Give him my best.”

  The mayor was wearing a green T-shirt under his sports coat with some letters written on it. I was trying to figure out what it said while he was talking. Apparently he noticed.

  “Are you interested in my shirt?” he asked. “It says SOS. That stands for Sweets Are Sour.”

  “Wouldn’t that be SAS?”

  “Yes, but in the interest of making it catchy we changed the are to our. It’s wordplay.”

  “It’s wrong,” I pointed out. “But whatever ewe want, it’s not my shirt.”

  “The name doesn’t matter that much. What’s important is that we make others aware of how destructive sweets and junk food can be. I know sweet treats might be tempting, but when you pretend that sweets are sour, you can reprogram your mind.”

  My dad had always said that if you can’t say anything nice, you shouldn’t say anything at all, so I kept quiet.

  “We are junk food–free and loving it here!” the mayor proclaimed.

  “That’s horrible,” I said, ignoring my dad’s advice.

  “Well,
it may be hard to understand, but it’s for the good of the island.”

  “I guess I’m glad I don’t live here. A life without pie and hot pockets and cheese puffs seems pretty SAD. And that stands for Sweets Are Delicious.”

  Juliet slapped her own forehead and checked her watch as if there might be a way for her to turn back time to the point right before I started talking. “Sorry, mayor,” she apologized for me.

  “Me, too,” I offered. “I’m sure SOS is important or something.”

  “No need for either of you to apologize. I think Perry’s clever. He’s also an Ocean Blasterzoids fan, so he must be mostly good. Now, I’d love to chat longer, but I’m expected back at City Hall.” He climbed onto the mower. “If you need anything in the future, just holler.”

  “I am a good hollerer,” I told him.

  Mayor Lapin reached down from the mower and patted me on the head. Then he started the engine and drove off over the Bunny Bumps. The moment he disappeared, Juliet asked, “So, who’s that guy on your shirt, anyway?”

  “Admiral Uli? He’s only the greatest hero ever born.”

  “I’ve never heard of him. Is he the reason you wear that glove on your face?”

  “It’s a mask.”

  “Is that something everyone from Ohio does?” Juliet asked. “Do all ten-year-olds love this Captain Oggly and wear glove masks?”

  “Wait, how’d you know I was ten?”

  “Just a guess.”

  “You don’t think I could pass for eleven?”

  “You look ten. Do all kids your age love Captain Oggly?”

  “He’s Admiral Uli, and no. Most kids aren’t lucky enough to read about him.”

  “Oh,” Juliet said. “Well, I don’t know anything about Ohio. Or Uli.”

  “Admiral Uli lost his mom and dad when he was a baby squid,” I said. “But he’s got some really cool friends, Commander Cod and Stacy Horse. And enemies of course, like Figgy Newton. Plus, he has two steel-tipped tentacles, and he squirts ink to fend off newts. He fights to keep the salt in the ocean to protect the lives of all sea creatures. He can also blend into the scenery and swim as fast as a torpedo, and he’s never afraid to do anything. I want to be just like that.”

  “It sounds like you are,” she said. “I mean, you came out here to Bunny Island all by yourself. That’s pretty brave.”

  Juliet was okay.

  “I might have traveled out here alone,” I said, “but at the moment I’m failing and clueless.”

  “That’s true,” a voice behind us said.

  Juliet and I turned around to find Rain standing right next to us and smiling like he knew something clever.

  “Hi, Rain,” Juliet said coolly.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked hotly. “Don’t you have someone to overcharge?”

  “I followed you two,” he admitted. “But not for creepy reasons. I just need to find out where your uncle is.”

  “That’s private family information.”

  “It’s an island. Not much is private here.”

  “It’s a big world, and not everything’s known,” I argued back.

  Rain stared at me and looked closely at my T-shirt.

  “A squid, huh? There’s one of those painted on your uncle’s front door.”

  “I’m sure Perry knows that,” Juliet said.

  “Whatever, squids are disgusting.” Rain turned to go.

  “Admiral Uli is not disgusting!” I yelled.

  Rain stopped and laughed. “What is he anyway? A dumb cartoon character?”

  My whole life, people have made fun of me for liking Ocean Blasterzoids. It didn’t make sense—Admiral Uli’s world was way better than reality. Now, once again, someone was giving me grief.

  “Admiral Uli is more than a comic book character.”

  “What do you mean?” Rain asked. “Is he a toy?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Is he a stuffed animal?”

  A stuffed animal? Sure, I do have three different Admiral Uli stuffed animals back home, but Rain didn’t know that. He was being a jerk, and I didn’t appreciate it. I breathed in deeply and counted to ten in Cephalopodian.

  “Wel, ub, loo, fran, zelp, ip, op, wuu, zin, plad.”

  “Are you choking?” Juliet asked.

  “No, I’m fine,” I said, cooling down.

  “Listen, I’m not trying to be a hater. I’m just not into kiddie cartoons.”

  Juliet grabbed my shoulder to hold me back. She really didn’t need to because Rain was bigger than me and possibly also a newt. I wasn’t going to try anything without a real ink blaster or an electrified marine net. I balled up my fists and took a deep breath.

  “Listen, Perry, will you just let your uncle know that I need to talk to him?” Rain said.

  “About what?” I asked.

  “If you were him, I’d tell you, but you’re not. So will you tell him?”

  I sort of nodded.

  “Good, now I’ll see you two weirdos later. Oh, and don’t go falling in love. Two people out in the clearing. Seems pretty romantic.”

  Juliet and I both began to blush violently. I felt like a boiled crab.

  Rain laughed as he walked off and left us alone.

  “What the . . .” I tried to start a conversation. “I mean, that’s crazy. Love and everything.”

  “I know,” Juliet said. “He’s the worst.”

  “Well,” I hemmed.

  “Yeah,” she hawed.

  “I think maybe I’ll go back to my uncle’s place or call my dad again.”

  “Will you be okay getting back? I could help you, but my mom has more granola she wants me to deliver.”

  “I think I’ll be fine. Squids have a great sense of direction.”

  Juliet slipped her nonworking headphones over her ears and waved good-bye. I followed her for a little bit and then broke off and made my way back to my temporary home.

  CHAPTER TEN

  THE SNEAKY CARROT THIEF

  By the time I got back to my uncle’s house it was really late. If my dad had known I was out, walking around by myself on a strange island in the dark, he’d probably be proud . . . and then ground me.

  The sky was black, but the air still felt warm and uncomfortable. Which was fitting, because my guts felt warm and uncomfortable as well. I was worried about going back to my uncle’s house alone, but I didn’t want to spend the night outside with the bunnies and the bugs and any rogue newts.

  When I got to the house, I checked every room and closet to make sure I was alone. Then I did what most islanders didn’t and locked the doors.

  I dragged my snack-filled suitcases to the living room, parked them next to the couch, and went for it. I ate an entire bag of Salt & More Salt thick-cut chips, two Shock-Choc bars, a jar of marshmallow spread, and for dessert, a salted-caramel licorice rope.

  The food tasted good, but I was worried about my uncle. I know I’m supposed to be strong, but sometimes even squids get down. In Issue #31, Admiral Uli cried when the Seashell Children were accidentally crushed by the Lump Whales. It took him two whole issues to clean it up and get over that.

  If I didn’t find my uncle soon, it would take me way more than two issues to stop hurting. I wanted Zeke to be back with me more than anything. We would probably be making rice right now and pretending soy sauce was ink. Or we would be reading old Ocean Blasterzoids issues together. Or making dumb promises to each other and swearing to be ink brothers forever. I was probably wrong to have come without my dad. I was in over my head.

  I wanted to keep up the search, but my brain needed a few winks of sleep. The minute I put my head against the cushions, I was out. I would have slept through the night if I hadn’t started dreaming about newts and taking them down with my Crab Maga skills. While I was sleep fighting, I rolled over and fell off the couch. My shoulder collided with my suitcase, and my head bonked the ground.

  “Big beefy reefs,” I muttered as I sat up, rubbing my head.

>   For a minute, I couldn’t remember if I was in Ohio or what day it was or if I was even awake. As I climbed back onto the couch, I looked into the kitchen and out one of the back windows. A long beam of white light swept across the garden.

  I dropped back to the floor.

  “Holy chum chunks,” I whispered.

  The newts had arrived! They had taken my uncle, and now they had come back for me.

  I crawled around the couch and over to the window.

  Something was definitely out back.

  Pulling myself up, I peeked out. It should be noted that I’m an excellent peeker—it’s one of my better skills.

  I thought I’d see an army of newts or a great-white-shark ship, but I just saw the light. It was a single white ray, moving over the garden like the beam from a lighthouse. If it was a newt holding the light, it was only one. And he was probably from the lame part of the ocean, because it looked like he was just using a regular flashlight.

  Whenever Admiral Uli has a good idea, which is often, a glowfish lights up over his head. I looked up, hoping there would be a glowing fish over mine.

  Nothing lit up, but I did remember the baking soda.

  I crawled to the kitchen counter, grabbed a box, and ripped off the top. Then, slowly, I inched to the back door and peered out the small window. The white light was holding steady, and there was no sign of a newt storm. I took hold of the doorknob and pushed.

  A hot wind came in and filled my nose with the stench of dirt and grass.

  I opened both my ears as wide as I could.

  Sliiit, sliiit, rooompph.

  “Newts.” I managed not to shriek.

  I needed to move quickly and surprise them.

  I quietly slipped out the back door and tiptoed to the edge of the garden. The flashlight was now lying on the ground.