The Walnuts

  “Oh, I love bad boys,” Danielle said, giggling naughtily. “They seem to be my downfall.”

  John could see the confusion on Bob’s face and almost felt sorry for him because Danielle was messing with his head.

  Bob was suddenly having trouble keeping the car in the middle of the lane.

  “I have to say, Danielle,” John said, “I am glad I have been able to spend this time with you and your family. It’s interesting to be able to watch how personal relations develop.”

  Danielle turned around so Bob couldn’t see and smiled slyly at John. “I’m glad you’re able to understand.”

  “So, Bob,” Danielle turned back to the front, “what do you think about the house?”

  “I can’t understand how things could have gotten so out of control,” he said, shaking his head.

  “Oh, things are so complicated these days. My father sure appreciates you coming to the rescue, and so do I. I would be so grateful if you could help him out. He’s getting old and shouldn’t have to worry about so many things.” Danielle reached over and patted Bob’s hand. “You’re a kind and honest man, Bob. I can sense that in you.”

  John looked out to the side hoping Bob wouldn’t see the grin on his face.

  *

  The three had traveled many more miles down the road, staying right behind the Nut Mobile.

  “I predict the Nut Mobile will be getting thirsty sometime soon,” Danielle said.

  “What kind of range do they have?” asked John.

  “It should be able to go five or six hundred miles on a tank,” said Bob.

  Both John and Danielle laughed.

  “Did I say something funny?” Bob asked, sounding hurt.

  “No, it’s a Walnut joke,” said Danielle.

  “What kind of joke is that?”

  “You’d have to be a Walnut, Bob,” Danielle said.

  “Is John a Walnut?” Bob asked cynically.

  “He’s in training,” she said quickly.

  “I’d like to be a Walnut,” Bob whined.

  “You don’t have what it takes, Bob. You’d have to forsake responsibility for everyone but yourself,” she said.

  “Oh.”

  “And that is about the extent of its range,” Danielle said as the turn signal flashed on the Nut Mobile.

  *

  “Is that one there?” asked John as they neared a bar and restaurant.

  “One what?” asked Bob.

  Danielle ignored him. “Yes, but notice the lack of pickups. Not hardly enough excitement for a Walnut to consider.”

  “Ah, there are many things to account for,” commented John.

  “If you’re going to do it right, yes, there are,” Danielle confirmed.

  Bob tried to jump in. “What are you talking about?”

  “Just pay attention, Bob. It’ll be clear when it happens,” said Danielle. “There, there on the left, there’s the one the Walnuts will honor,” she said, pointing.

  *

  “You wouldn’t happen to know anyone who has a goat?” Jed shouted at the bartender.

  The establishment the Walnuts had chosen was crowded and lively.

  “We’re not buying a goat,” Martha yelled loudly.

  “What do you want a goat for?” the bartender asked suspiciously.

  Jed gestured to Martha with his head. “Her boyfriend wants one.”

  “Trying to get even, huh?” said the bartender.

  “No, I’m beyond that type of behavior.”

  “Well, I have a goat, but he’s not the most pleasant of creatures.”

  “You do?” said Jed. “Do you want to sell him?”

  “Not if he’s going to end up as a taco platter,” said the bartender. “Not that the idea hasn’t been tossed around now and then. Goats are not the most pleasant of creatures, you know.”

  “I promise, he will not end up as a food group.”

  Jed held his hand up like he was taking an oath.

  “Goddamn it, Jed!” shouted Martha. “I said, we are not buying a goat! You don’t know anything about them.”

  “They stink like hell,” stated Wanda. “I’m not riding with a goat.”

  Jed turned on Wanda and growled, “Oh? Well, you’re between a rock and a hard place then, and they’re both a couple hundred miles from here, and your shoes look worn.”

  “Very funny,” said Wanda. “You know, you guys always do this. Bring us into one of your harebrained schemes and then everything goes to hell!”

  “Oh? And whose dime are you getting drunk on? Let me ask you that,” said Martha.

  “There are plenty of gentlemen in here”—Wanda turned to the hopeful male patrons that had gathered close to the Walnut sisters—“that would be honored to buy a lady a drink.”

  A chorus of men immediately yelled to the other bartender, “Buy that lady a drink, on me!”

  Wanda turned her attention to the many drink offers.

  “Now, is that goat for sale or not?” Jed asked the bartender.

  “How much you willing to pay?”

  “Name your price.”

  “Well now, you have to understand that Billy has been in the family—”

  “Billy?” asked Danielle, who had taken Wanda’s place at the bar with Bob. They were wedged in the crowd, anxiously watching the bargaining.

  “It’s a billy goat,” said the bartender.

  “A boy goat? Aren’t they a lot of trouble?” asked Danielle.

  “They can be,” he said.

  “Christ, it’s not like we’re taking him home with us!” cried Jed. “What’s wrong with you people? He’s only going to Red’s and no farther. It’s not even two hundred miles up the road.”

  “That’s at least two bars up the road, and therein lays the problem,” stated Danielle.

  “They stop at all the bars?” asked Bob.

  “Will you all stop!” shouted Jed. “We are in very delicate negotiations here.”

  “Well, I’m sure I will miss old Billy.”

  “He “will” too!” a patron shouted. “When his wife boots him out, that’s where he ends up. I’m sure Billy and him have a meaningful relationship.”

  The bartender gave the man a wrathful stare as everyone broke out laughing. “You’re cut off, Gus. Get your ass out, now!” He pointed to the door.

  “Okay, mister, let’s get back to this deal before anyone else feels like they have to add their two cents.”

  “Fifty bucks,” stated Jed.

  “A hundred,” responded the bartender.

  “What!” shouted Jed. “For that much, I’m inclined to believe old Gus.”

  The bar broke out in laughter again. Somebody bleated like a goat.

  “What are they talking about?” asked Bob.

  “Animal love, dear heart,” answered Danielle.

  “Oh my gosh!” said Bob.

  The bartender’s face turned red as the laughter and the bleating continued.

  “Well?” said Jed.

  “Seventy-five and he’s yours.”

  “Done!”

  *

  “Do you believe it? The old fool got lucky,” Martha said. She shook her head and pointed her empty bottle at the bartender. “What the hell are we going to do with a goat?”

  “We can put it in the motor home,” said Jed.

  “I don’t want goat shit in there!”

  “Billy is a house pet, and very clean,” said the bartender, obviously insulted.

  “I’ll put him in the camper,” said Jed.

  Jed and the bartender headed out the door.

  *

  Wanda’s new opportunity for free beer didn’t last. After four, she fell off her stool and landed hard on her ass. She propped herself up against the bar.

  John had spotted her going down and was there shooing away a couple of male customers who obviously found her even more beautiful in her defenseless state.

  One of the men gave John a hostile look, not taking the hint that Wanda was
no longer interested in his advances. John put his hand on Wanda’s forehead, and immediately she began to wretch and gag. The man looked disappointed as he pulled back to let John help Wanda to her feet and out of the bar.

  *

  The action in the bar centered once again on Danielle. Her sundress, which accentuated her stunning looks, was something this bar rarely saw. The excitement was understandable. The more sophisticated of the males, the ones with a loftier opinion of themselves, were hovering near Danielle, who wasn’t drinking. Bob was fighting for position as hard as the next guy and was getting frustrated. It seemed that having arrived with the gorgeous woman meant little to the prowling men.

  A tall, solid, good-looking construction worker elbowed his way right next to Danielle. “I know you’re looking for me, so why don’t we cut the crap and get down to business?” he said, his face coming down close to hers.

  “You seem pretty sure of yourself,” she responded.

  “I get what I want, especially when it comes to pretty women,” he puffed with confidence.

  “How come you’re not with one then?” Danielle smiled.

  “I’m making myself available for you because this is your lucky day.”

  Danielle laughed. “Is that the sort of line that works here in Jerk Water Junction?”

  “Got a mouth to go along with those jugs, I see.” The construction worker got more encouragement from the crowd when they cheered his last observation.

  “I’ve got a boyfriend that’s quicker than a rattlesnake,” said Danielle. “You get past him and I might consider your offer, “stud”.”

  “You talking about that little feller there?” The construction worker pointed at Bob, who looked like he had just crapped in his pants.

  “No, I’m talking about that quiet feller there.” Danielle pointed at John, who was standing back, as usual, to watch what was happening and staying out of the action.

  The construction worker eyed him intently. John just smiled.

  “What kind of game you playing, lady?” asked the construction worker.

  “Why, the game you started,” she said sweetly. “You said you had what it takes, and I’m not sure you do.”

  “And you want me to go up against the quiet feller there?”

  “Sure. If you can’t handle “him”, you sure as hell don’t have anything that would interest “me”,” said Danielle, growing bored.

  “What’s the catch, lady? You two the law or something?” He backed slightly away from Danielle.

  “No catch, “stud”. I thought I explained it real simple.” Danielle shook her head, bunched up her shoulders, and gestured with her hands out. “If it’s too complicated for you, then you ain’t the man you’ve been bragging about.”

  The man glared at John, who looked completely at ease.

  “You ain’t worth the game, lady,” he said finally and walked away.

  “It wasn’t your game to play,” Danielle said.

  The man just kept walking. Before leaving the bar, he smiled at Bob and said, “Watch out for those two.”

  “Golly, Danielle,” Bob squeaked, “that wasn’t very nice. What if that big guy had decided to beat up John?”

  “Never happen,” she said confidently.

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “You don’t know John,” she said, getting off the bar stool and walking over to Martha.

  “What’s with you and Space John?” Martha asked.

  “Nothing . . . why?”

  “Oh, come on, stop the BS. I saw what happened.”

  “What do you think you saw?”

  “Well, at first I thought you were testing John, you know, to see what he was made of.”

  “Yeah? And then?”

  “Heather told me he caught a rattlesnake. That true?”

  “He grabbed it when it struck.”

  “And he didn’t get bitten?”

  “Nope, he’s way too fast.”

  “Ah,” Martha said, “you wanted to see just how fast he was, so you figured that big, tough-looking guy would do?”

  “I’ve seen you do the same thing with Dad more than once. Why should you have all the fun?”

  *

  Wanda came running into the bar a little later. “The fuckin goat is eating my dress!” she screamed, getting everyone’s attention.

  “Well, take it away from him,” Jed said calmly.

  “You take it away from him. I already tried.” Wanda was out of breath. “He butted me out the door. Why do you guys do things like this?” She continued screaming, jumping up-and-down and pumping her arms. “That fuckin’ goat has ruined my dress and you won’t do anything about it!”

  Everyone in the bar was laughing.

  “Oh, it’s always so funny when it doesn’t come out of your pocket!” Wanda yelled at the Walnuts, who were standing together at the bar. “I spent a lot of money for that dress, and that goat is gonna pay!” Wanda screamed and ran out the door.

  Everyone in the bar followed her.

  Outside, Wanda was stomping straight for the motor home. She wrenched open the door and went inside. The laughter continued until Wanda came back to the open door with Jed’s pistol. The crowd went silent, anticipation thick in the air.

  “Jed, stop her, she’s got your gun!” yelled Martha.

  “What?” Jed exclaimed, just coming out from the bar.

  Wanda headed to the back of the camper with the pistol in both hands pointed out in front of her.

  “I’m gonna drill that son of a bitch right between the running lights!”

  “What? You can’t shoot him,” said Jed. “He’s Red’s wedding gift! Just pull him out!”

  “I can’t!” blared Wanda. “He ate his rope. I told you not to leave him in the camper.”

  “What? You were supposed to be in there watching him.”

  “I fell asleep.”

  “You passed out?”

  “I told you to tie him outside.” Wanda had calmed down. The pistol, now in one hand, was pointed at the ground.

  “Someone could have stolen him. He’s a very expensive goat. We were just having a couple of beers.”

  “A couple beers?” she said. “There’s no such thing with you guys. You were in there four hours, and he got hungry.”

  Wanda opened the camper door. Jed was standing behind her.

  The goat came busting through the open door right at Wanda, causing her to jump back, knocking into Jed. She lost her balance and fell over backwards, the pistol barrel going for the sky. “Boom”. The pistol discharged and the light over the camper door exploded into a shower of plastic and glass.

  The goat panicked from the noise and ran right over Jed, flattening him against the ground. Wanda got up immediately and aimed the pistol with both hands at the terrified goat.

  “You’re dead, son of a bitch!”

  The goat was bleating loudly, heading around the front of the Nut Mobile.

  Everyone looked for cover as Wanda fired the pistol again.

  There was another terrific “boom” followed by a loud “thump” when the bullet burst through the front tire of the Nut Mobile.

  Wanda stood bewildered. The goat had stopped and was looking around confused. Everyone else was still ducking for cover.

  Jed yelled at Wanda, “That goat cost a lot of money, damn it. If anything happens to him, I’m going to be pissed.” Jed hadn’t noticed the damage to the Nut Mobile yet.

  Bob headed toward the goat, hoping to impress Danielle by capturing it. Instead, the panicked goat headed right for the camper, which was behind him. Terrified, Bob ran like hell in the opposite direction, leaving Danielle no choice but to laugh at him.

  Jed tried to block the goat’s path but was again knocked over.

  It headed right for Wanda, who was standing in front of the camper door. She screamed, threw the pistol at the goat, and backed into the camper. The goat tried to go right in after her. She tried to pull the door shut, but the goat already had
its head jammed in the door. It was bleating wildly. Jed ran up behind the goat and grabbed its tail and the camper door simultaneously. He was trying to pull the door open and push the goat into the camper, but Wanda was still trying to pull the door shut. The goat was stuck.

  The crowd, back on their feet, pressed in toward the action, everyone laughing.

  The goat started kicking wildly, catching Jed in the shin. Holding his leg, he hopped up-and-down, swearing.

  The goat finally got loose from the door and turned away from the camper. Jed was bent over, rubbing his shin, and didn’t see the goat. It ran at Jed and butted him in the rear, knocking him to the ground again.

  Martha ran out of the crowd screaming, “You leave him alone, you son of a bitch!”

  She threw a beer bottle at the goat, miraculously hitting it on the head. The goat charged at her, but Ricky stepped quickly between them. It turned sharply and ran into the camper. Ricky was right behind the goat and slammed the door shut. The crowd roared with laughter and applause.

  “That goat cost a lot of money,” said Jed, still rubbing his shin.

  “Oh, shut up, you old fool!” yelled Martha. “It’s back in the camper, so there’s nothing to worry about now.”

  “Oh yeah?” said Wanda, hunched over. She was breathing hard and flushed red. “He’s finished with my dress, so I have nothing more to worry about. But he’s just getting started on your curtains.”

  “What?” shouted Jed, running toward the camper.

  “Better get something to put all the goat poop in too,” said Wanda.

  “Goddamn that old fool,” said Martha. “I knew that goat was going to be trouble. If it’s ruined my camper, it’s dead meat.”

  “Oh, no you don’t,” protested Wanda. “I get first crack at that miserable S.O.B.”

  “If you hadn’t gotten so damn drunk,” said Martha, “all this would have never happened!”

  “If you two didn’t stop at every fuckin’ bar you see, this wouldn’t have happened.”

  “Don’t blame me. That old fool paid seventy-five bucks for that damn goat. And you know your Dad. He paid good money for it, so he isn’t about to give it up, no matter how much trouble it causes.”

  “Why doesn’t he ever think about things like that?” asked Ricky.

  “Why did he buy a goat in the first place?” Danielle asked Martha.

  “I asked Red what he wanted for a wedding gift, and he said a goat,” she explained. “It’s all your fault. You goddamn kids are never there when we need you.”

  “So you go and immediately buy a goat, put it in the camper, and roam off to get bombed. And it’s our fault? Give me a break,” Danielle said. “And Ricky stepped in front of you. Otherwise, that goat would be wearing your dress right now. He had a bead on you, so don’t give us this crap about never being there for you—”