The Walnuts

  “What got into your sister?” Martha asked quickly, changing the subject. “I’ve never seen her act like that. You and Ricky have the tempers, not her.”

  “She loved that dress, Mother,” said Danielle. “I’ve never seen her much interested in clothes before. And we spent most of the day picking it out.”

  *

  “I am appalled at your family’s behavior,” said Bob, trying to sound comforting. “You should really think about getting away from this sort of thing, my love. It’s not good for you.”

  “Me? What about you? I’ll bet you haven’t had this much excitement in your entire life. Lighten up, Bob. Because if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a boring man.” Danielle headed toward her father, who was still nursing his shin.

  “Oh, Bob, don’t look so devastated,” said John, putting his arm on Bob’s shoulder. “She’s right, you know. My advice to you, if you want that woman as bad as I think you do, you’d best degrade your social skills somewhat.”

  “Huh, what does that mean?”

  “It means your ass is puckered too tight, Bob,” Heather added as she watched Jed measure up the damage—one motor home tire, blown, one outdoor RV light, shot out, and some serious metal work necessary.

  Chapter 12

  “This is such a beautiful land; I wish we had the time to go back in there.” John pointed, watching the mountains slip by in the distance. They were back in the Cadillac sailing down the highway.

  “Wait until we get to Red’s,” Danielle said. “It’s way back in mountains, and it’s a beautiful place he’s got.”

  For the next half-hour they traveled down a two-lane road that wound its way progressively deeper into the backcountry, gradually climbing into wilder and wilder terrain. They dropped down into a deep gorge, driving under a thick canopy of trees, the sun only shining through intermittently. Then they crossed an old steel bridge spanning a swiftly running river. The bridge was only wide enough for one vehicle at a time. Across the bridge, the road split—one branch went straight ahead to the other side of the canyon, the other turned sharply left, following the river. Danielle instructed Bob to take the river road.

  “Tell me about Red,” said John.

  “Oh, gosh.” Danielle turned in the front seat to face John. “Red must be in his late sixties by now. He’s an old chum of my mother’s. They went to high school together. He’s an ex-boxer, a tough little guy. He adores Mother and is totally devoted to her.”

  “He’s getting married at that age?” asked John.

  “Yeah, to the Tomato, and wait until you see her. She says she’s half Indian, but we think there’s more in there than she admits to. She’s got the biggest tits—”

  “Danielle, my dear,” said Bob, “I wish you wouldn’t talk like that.”

  Danielle gave Bob a solemn look.

  “Big tits, you say? Sounds interesting, really informative,” said John.

  “Anyway, she’s younger than Red by at least twenty years,” Danielle continued. “His first wife, Ruth—she was a dear, sweet lady—died of cancer a few years ago, and Red was devastated. It took him a long time to get over it, and he lived out at the ranch for a couple of years. My mother would get fed up with all his moping around. Then one day he went into town and came back with the Tomato, whose real name is Beverly. Mother and the Tomato didn’t hit it off too well. Anyway, Red changed back into his good-natured, scrappy self and moved back up here. We haven’t heard too much from him until the wedding invitation came, and ‘voilá,’ here we are.”

  When they came around a bend in the road, corresponding to a bend in the river, Danielle cried out, “There it is!”

  Red’s big log cabin was in a small clearing in the bottom land, a hundred feet back from the river. There was a large barn and a corral a hundred feet behind the house. The rest of the bottom land was studded with big trees. Tall bluffs defined the canyon on both sides, the tops of the bluffs also heavily wooded.

  A short, stocky, scrappy-looking man with bright red hair was standing outside the cabin.

  “There’s Red!” said Danielle. “I guess we’re the first to arrive. I don’t see the motor home or camper.”

  “They must have stopped at another bar,” stated Bob.

  “You think?” she said snottily.

  Danielle opened the passenger door before the car even stopped completely and rushed out to greet Red.

  “Red, you old dog, it’s great to see you again!” Danielle said, embracing Red in an affectionate hug. “Geez, I was just a kid the last time I was up here, and it’s even more beautiful than I remember.”

  “Well, thank you, sweetie, you’re the one that always appreciated it the most. I still remember our nature walks, and still think of you when I go hiking. Where are the rest of the road warriors?”

  “Red, where’s your head?” she asked, tousling his hair. “It’s well past three, where do you think?”

  “Damn, my beer’s cold too,” he said, laughing. “But why am I complaining? I got the most beautiful of the Walnuts all to myself, for a while anyway, until the rest of the plague blows into my life. So how have you been, dear?”

  “Good, Red, good. Life goes on, and on, and on, and on.” Danielle laughed.

  “I see you have multiple suitors, like always,” he said, looking toward the car. Bob was looking uncomfortable, not sure what to do, and John had wandered off toward the river.

  “That one guy can’t take his eyes off you, and the other one looks like he’s a nature boy.”

  “The nature boy, that’s Space John. He’s cool.”

  “The other,” she said, lowering her voice, “is one of Father’s projects . . . for a while.”

  “Who made the trip?” asked Red.

  “Ah, Heather is with Mother and Father in the motor home. Ricky’s with Wanda in the camper.”

  “Ricky?” he said, thinking over this latest twist. “He doesn’t have any more hookers with him, does he?” Red looked concerned.

  “Not yet, but who knows?” she said, laughing.

  Red shook his head. “That damn kid,” he said. “I let him stay up here for a while, and I can tell you it was one hell of a mistake.”

  “Red, he’s no kid.”

  “Sure acts like one.”

  “Just what’d he do?” she asked. “I got bits and pieces through the rumor mill, and it did sound just like Ricky’s MO.”

  “It’s mostly a blur, but cultivating pot was the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

  “Ricky, always the farmer.”

  “Farmer, phuu,” spat Red. “He thinks you throw the seeds down, cover them up, and then roll the joint. That is one lazy human being, for sure.”

  “Where’s Beverly?”

  “In the cabin. She’s out to make a real impression. She and Martha are going to get into it, I can sense that.”

  “Nah, don’t worry. Mother is delighted that you’re the old Red again. She was really worried about you. She’ll be on her best behavior.”

  “Somebody will be her target,” he guaranteed.

  “Oh, no doubt.”

  “That Namby Pamby looking guy over at the car looks like a prime candidate. What’s his story?”

  “Wanda’s house down there in Pine Top is in need of extensive work, and this guy is the county inspector.”

  “Ah,” he said, shaking his head, “let me guess—he took a liking to you, and Jed is thinking this could save him a buck or two, huh?”

  “Yeah, you know Dad. So now I’ve got this starry-eyed fool bird-dogging me.”

  “What the hell happened down there anyway? I stopped by last year. What a mess!”

  “Dad gave Steve the money to get it built, and you know Steve.”

  “Christ, Jed would have been better off with Ricky.”

  “Yeah, at least then there wouldn’t even be a house to waste more money on.”

  Red laughed and suddenly looked at the road. “And here comes the Nut Mobile now!”


  They watched the motor home come up the road.

  “I’m sure glad you all could make it, but I’m nervous,” he said. “Having all the Walnuts in one place is bound to be trouble.”

  *

  The Nut Mobile stopped and the door opened.

  The first one out was a goat wearing diapers with a rope around its neck. Next out was Heather, with the other end of the rope in one hand and a baseball bat in the other. The goat seemed to be behaving itself at the moment, but Heather was ready if Billy, the goat, even looked like he was going back to his old ways.

  “It’s your wedding present,” Danielle told Red.

  “I was just kidding! . . . I never thought . . .” said Red, shocked.

  “That, Red, is a gift from hell,” she added. “Enjoy it.”

  “Red, Red, it’s so good to see you,” said Martha, stepping out next. “This place is as beautiful as I remember. Where’s the bride?”

  “The Tomato’s still inside getting ready for our big day,” he said proudly. “I’ve never seen her so excited. She’s never spent so much time and effort on anything, except that silly horse of hers.”

  *

  Everyone was standing and talking in the yard when the cabin door opened and Beverly the Tomato stepped out onto the shaded porch. It was fairly dark back in the shadows, and it was difficult to see her clearly.

  “Here comes my lovely Tomato now,” said Red, running up to the porch to escort her down.

  Heather had tied the goat to the railing at the bottom of the steps.

  The Tomato walked out into the sunlight and stole the day. All eyes turned her way and stayed right there. She was outfitted in a skintight, brass-colored leotard that sharply defined every curve, crease, and her huge breasts. She had long, flowing black hair, gold mascara, and the brightest red lipstick possible.

  The Walnuts stood dumbstruck. The sight of the woman left them speechless, all except Heather, who was standing next to Jed. She leaned up to his ear and said quietly, “If she farts, she’s going to blow her eardrums.”

  The silence was broken by a loud, strangled laugh from Jed. He looked around quickly and saw Martha giving him the dreaded Walnut Glare. He stifled the laugh and elbowed Heather in the side, but it was apparent from the look on his scarlet face that the slightest thing could set him off uncontrollably.

  The Tomato gave no indication that her grand entrance had been marred and continued down the steps. At the bottom she looked over at the goat, realizing for the first time that it was there. She crinkled up her nose and took two steps toward Billy, who didn’t retreat. It looked like he was also stunned by the sight.

  “What’s this?” the Tomato demanded in a deep, rolling voice.

  “This is Jed and Martha’s wedding present, my dear.”

  The Tomato took one more step, hauled her arm back, and punched Billy right between the eyes, knocking him down to his front knees.

  “That’s so he knows who’s boss!” announced the Tomato as Billy shook his head, probably trying to clear his vision. No one had gauged the strength of the Tomato, having been caught off guard by her outfit.

  “That had to hurt,” Heather said rather loudly.

  Jed elbowed her again.

  *

  The inside of the cabin was thoroughly modernized. John was roaming around, taking everything in.

  “You’re always snooping, Space Boy,” said Martha.

  “Why do you always refer to him as ‘Space This and That’?” asked the Tomato, sitting at the kitchen table with Jed, Martha, and Red, shucking corn for dinner.

  “Heather thinks he’s an alien,” said Danielle, who was sitting over on the sofa trying to keep Bob the octopus at bay.

  “It’s because he’s misguided,” said Bob.

  “He’s misguided?” asked Heather, sitting on the floor watching TV. “You’re the fool. You think discussing bobbles and bangles with my mother will keep her attention.”

  “Heather, don’t be so insulting,” said Danielle.

  “Yeah, Heather,” said Martha, “keep your opinion to yourself. If a fool wants to blow all his hard-earned money, that’s his business.”

  “I earn it honestly, and I decide where it is best spent,” Bob announced, looking lovingly at Danielle. She giggled and snuggled up to him. Heather rolled her eyes and went back to the television.

  “So, John, where are you from?” asked the Tomato.

  Danielle had heard the question thrown at John and was listening intently for the answer.

  John was trying to figure out how to dodge the question when he saw a vehicle’s lights coming up to the cabin. “Someone is here,” he said.

  Heather jumped up and ran to the window. “Hide your women and your wallets,” she said. “Uncle Ricky has arrived.”

  “Red, you didn’t tell me Ricky the Rat would be coming,” said the Tomato.

  “I didn’t know until today,” he said, looking at Martha.

  “You know Ricky,” Martha said, shrugging, “he invites himself. Jed, you go out and tell him before he sets foot in here that there are to be none of his shenanigans.”

  Jed slowly got to his feet and headed to the door. He was just at the door when it opened and Ricky stepped in.

  “You don’t know how to knock?” Jed said angrily.

  “I’m here, so why waste the time,” Ricky said as Wanda came in behind him.

  “Wanda, so good to see you,” said Red, heading toward her. “Another of the beautiful Walnut girls graces my home.” He gave her a hug, and then turned to Ricky. “I hope we can get along a little better this time.”

  “It’s up to you,” Ricky said. “The last time I was here I—”

  “Ricky!” shouted Martha. “Can your bullshit, you hear me?” She had that ‘don’t-mess-with-me’ look. Ricky knew the look and didn’t respond.

  “I don’t know how glad you’re going to be that we made it,” Wanda said, gesturing to Ricky.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Jed asked warily.

  “Oh, Ricky stopped off and picked up a couple of old friends,” she said, looking at Danielle and shaking her head.

  Danielle picked up on the subtlety and looked back at Wanda, wondering who from their past was going to invade Red’s happy event.

  *

  “Where the hell did he find that idiot?” shouted Jed, standing next to the camper. “Christ, that Ron guy is nuttier than a fruit cake. That goddamn Ricky, what the hell is wrong with him? Where is that S.O.B. by the way?”

  “He said he was going to get some sleep in the motor home,” said Heather.

  “He brought crazy Ron. Where the hell did he find him?” Danielle asked.

  “I can’t believe that guy is still running free,” said Jed.

  “Another one of your conquests, I might add,” Martha said to Danielle.

  “What do you mean?” she asked. “I’m not the one that made him nuts. He came with that abnormality. It was that ugly broad Suzan that did him in.”

  “Man, she was an ugly one, that’s for sure,” confirmed Martha.

  “What exactly was the story?” asked John.

  “Ron was hopelessly in love with some young girl,” Danielle explained, “and Suzan convinced the girl that Ron was a disgusting pervert. The girl took off, and it broke his heart. He was convinced that the only fair thing to do was kill Suzan. I’m sure he’s gotten over it by now. This was years ago.”

  “No, he is not over it,” said Wanda. “He went into this tirade when Ricky asked him if he had ever seen the girl again. He still wants to kill Suzan.”

  “Does he know where Suzan is?” asked Danielle.

  “No, that’s why, according to him, he hasn’t killed her yet,” said Wanda, laughing.

  “Whooo boy! Who’s going to keep an eye on this one?” asked Martha. “If anything goes wrong with Red’s wedding, somebody’s going to pay.”

  “Maybe we need to call the sheriff,” said Bob.

  “What for?” a
sked Heather. “You haven’t done anything really stupid . . . yet!”

  Danielle laughed.

  “Where is crazy Ron now?” asked Jed.

  “Sleeping it off in the camper,” said Wanda.

  “Sleeping what off?” he asked.

  “He drank all the way up here.”

  “Lock the goddamn door.”

  “What if he has to go?”

  “Then you clean it up!”

  “Me? It’s not my fault!”

  “You brought him here!” shouted Martha.

  “I did not. Ricky’s the one that—”

  “I don’t care, you should have stopped him,” said Jed.

  “Right, stop Ricky,” said Wanda, throwing her hands up and walking away.

  Danielle followed her.

  “Okay,” said Danielle, “you said Ricky stopped and picked up two people. Care to comment on the second one?”

  “Not at this time,” Wanda said. “I need to get out of here for a while. Let’s skip into town.”

  “How? We don’t have anything to drive.”

  *

  Wanda and Danielle talked Red into letting them take his old Oldsmobile, The Boat. A dejected Bob sat on the back bumper of his car and watched them leave. He had insisted on going, but Danielle said this was “sister time”, and was firm about it.

  An hour later the sisters were hopelessly lost.

  “What do we do now?” asked Danielle. “We are seriously screwed.”

  “Hell, I don’t know,” said Wanda. “Look in the glove compartment, maybe there’s a map.”

  “What good is that going to do? We don’t know where the hell we are in the first place,” Danielle said, opening the glove box. “Hey, there is a map in here.”

  “What’s that?” Wanda asked quickly.

  “What?”

  “Something fell on the floor.”

  “Where?”

  “Down by your feet.”

  Danielle felt around by her feet. “Well, looky here,” she said, holding up a bag of pot. “Red’s stash.”

  “Oh, Red, you old dog,” said Wanda, giggling. “What’s it doing in The Boat?”

  “The Tomato probably doesn’t like him smoking, so he hides it here.”

  “Could be. Boy, she’s not afraid of a few beers, though. She’s putting down more than Mom.”

  “Mother is staying below the magic number five, did you notice?” Danielle laughed.

  “Yeah, she’s determined that nothing is going to happen at the wedding.”