The Stories of the Three Burglars

asleep.He was a bachelor, and lived pretty much by himself. I give him a punchto waken him up, for we'd made up our minds that that was the way towork this job. It wouldn't pay us to go around huntin' for Jerry'smoney. He was such a sharp old fellow, it was six to four we'd neverfind it. He sat up in bed with a jump like a hop-toad, and looked firstat one and then at the other of us. We both had masks on, and it wasn'tpuzzlin' to guess what we was there fur.

  "'Jerry Hammond,' says I, speakin' rather rough and husky, 'we knowsthat you've got a lot o' money in this house, and we've come fur it. Wemean business, and there's no use foolin'. You can give it to us quietand easy, and keep a whole head on your shoulders, or we'll lay you outready fur a wake and help ourselves to the funds; and now you pays yourmoney and you can take your choice how you do it. There's nothin'shabby about us, but we mean business. Don't we, pard?'--'That's so,'says Putty.

  "'Look here,' says Jerry, jest as cool as if he had been sittin' outsideon his own curbstone, 'I know you two men and no mistake. You're TommyRandall, and you're Putty Henderson, so you might as well take off themmasks.'--'Which I am glad to do,' says I, 'for I hate 'em,' and I putmine in my pocket, and Putty he took off his."

  "Excuse me," said Aunt Martha, interrupting at this point, "but when Mr.Hammond mentioned the name of Tommy Randall, to whom did he refer?"

  "I can explain that, madam," said the tall burglar, quickly. "This manby his criminal course of life has got himself into a good many scrapes,and is frequently obliged to change his name. Since I accidentallybecame acquainted with him he has had several aliases, and I think thathe very often forgets that his real name is James Barlow."

  "That's so," said the stout man, "there never was a more correct personthan this industrious and unfortunate man sittin' by me. I am dreadfulforgetful, and sometimes I disremember what belongs to me and whatdon't. Names the same as other things.

  "'Well, now, Jerry,' says I, 'you needn't think you're goin' to makeanythin' by knowin' us. You've got to fork over your cash all the same,and if you think to make anything by peachin' on us after we've clearedout and left you peaceful in your bed, you're mistook so far as I'mconcerned; for I've made the track clear to get out of this town beforedaybreak, and I don't know when I'll come back. This place is gettin' alittle too hot for me, and you're my concludin' exercise.' Jerry he satstill for a minute, considerin.' He wasn't no fool, and he knowed thatthere wasn't no use gettin' scared, nor cussin', nor hollerin'. What'smore, he knowed that we was there to get his money, and if he didn'tfork it over he'd get himself laid out, and that was worse than losin'money any day. 'Now, boys, says he, 'I'll tell you what I'll do. I'llmake you an offer; a fair and square offer. What money I've got I'lldivide even with you, each of us takin' a third, and I'll try to make upwhat I lose out of my next contract. Now nothin' could be no squarerthan that.'--'How much money have you got, Jerry?' says I, 'that's thefirst thing to know.'--'I've got thirty-one hundred dollars even,' sayshe, 'and that will be one thousand and thirty-three dollars andthirty-three cents apiece. I've got bills to pay to-morrow for lumberand bricks, and my third will pay 'em. If I don't I'll go to pieces. Youdon't want to see me break up business, do you?'--'Now, Jerry,' says I,'that won't do. You haven't got enough to divide into three parts. Puttyand me agree to go halves with what we get out of you, and when I layout a piece of business I don't make no changes. Half of that money isfor me, and half is for Putty. So just hand it out, and don't let's haveno more jabberin'.'

  "Jerry he looked at me pretty hard, and then says he: 'You're about theclose-fisted and meanest man I ever met with. Here I offer you a thirdpart of my money, and all you've got to do is to take it and go awaypeaceable. I'd be willin' to bet two to one that it's more than youexpected to get, and yet you are not satisfied; now, I'll be hanged ifI'm going to do business with you.'--'You can be hanged if you like,'says I, 'but you'll do the business all the same.'--'No, I won't,' sayshe, and he turns to Putty Henderson. 'Now, Putty,' says he, 'you've gota pile more sense that this pal of yourn, and I'm goin' to see if Ican't do business with you. Now, you and me together can lick this TommyRandall just as easy as not, and if you'll help me do it I'll not onlydivide the money with you, but I'll give you fifty dollars extra, sothat instead of fifteen hundred and fifty dollars--that's all he'd givenyou, if he didn't cheat you--you'll have sixteen hundred, and I'll havefifteen hundred instead of the thousand and thirty-three dollars which Iwould have had left if my first offer had been took. So, Putty, what doyou say to that?' Now, Putty, he must have been a little sore with me onaccount of the arguments we'd had about dividin', and he was mighty gladbesides to get the chance of makin' fifty dollars extry, and so he saidit was all right, and he'd agree. Then I thought it was about time forme to take in some of my sail, and says I: 'Jerry, that's a pretty goodjoke, and you can take my hat as soon as I get a new one, but of courseI don't mean to be hard on you, and if you really have bills to payto-morrow I'll take a third, and Putty'll take another, and we'll goaway peaceful.'--'No, you won't,' sings out Jerry, and with that hejumps out of bed right at me, and Putty Henderson he comes at me fromthe other side, and, between the two, they gave me the worst lickin' Iever got in my born days, and then they dragged me down stairs andkicked me out the front door, and I had hardly time to pick myself upbefore I saw a policeman about a block off, and if he hadn't been a fatone he'd had me sure. It wouldn't have been pleasant, for I was a gooddeal wanted about that time.

  "So you see, ladies and gents, that it's true what I said,--things don'talways go right in our line of business no more than any other one."

  "I think you were served exactly right," said Aunt Martha; "and I wondersuch an experience did not induce you to reform."

  "It did, ma'am, it did," said the burglar. "I made a vow that night thatif ever again I had to call in any one to help me in business of thatkind I wouldn't go pards with him. I'd pay him so much for the job, andI'd take the risks, and I've stuck to it.

  "But even that don't always work. Luck sometimes goes ag'in' a man,even when he's working by himself. I remember a thing of that kind thatwas beastly hard on me. A gentleman employed me to steal his daughter."

  "What!" exclaimed my wife and Aunt Martha. "Steal his own daughter! Whatdo you mean by that?"

  "That's what it was," said the stout burglar; "no more nor less. I wasrecommended to the gent as a reliable party for that sort of thing, andI met him to talk it over, and then he told me just how the case stood.He and his wife were separated, and the daughter, about eleven yearsold, had been given to her by the court, and she put it into a boardin'school, and the gent he was goin' to Europe, and he wanted to get thelittle gal and take her with him. He tried to get her once, but itslipped up, and so there wasn't no good in his showin' hisself at theschool any more, which was in the country, and he knowed that if heexpected to get the gal he'd have to hire a professional to attend toit.

  "Now, when I heard what he had to say, I put on the strictly pious, and,says I, 'that's a pretty bad thing you're askin' me to do, sir, tocarry away a little gal from its lovin' mother, and more 'an that, totake it from a school where it's gettin' all the benefits ofeddication.'--'Eddication,' says he; 'that's all stuff. What eddicationthe gal gets at a school like that isn't worth a row of pins, and whenthey go away they don't know nothin' useful, nor even anything tip-topornamental. All they've learned is the pianer and higher mathematics. Asfor anythin' useful, they're nowhere. There isn't one of them couldbound New Jersey or tell you when Washington crossed theDelaware.'--'That may be, sir,' says I, 'but them higher branches comesuseful. If Washington really did cross the Delaware, your little galcould ask somebody when it was, but she couldn't ask 'em how the pianerwas played, nor what the whole multiplication table came to added up.Them things she'd have to learn how to do for herself. I give you myword, sir, I couldn't take a little gal from a school, where she wasgettin' a number one eddication, silver forks and towels