What I Didn't Say

  The elementary, middle school, and high school on Orcas were all located right next to each other. Mom pulled into the parking lot of the middle school, in the center of them all. I sat there for a moment, as my siblings piled out, just watching all the people went their different ways.

  I knew as soon as I stepped out of that van the whole world was going to be looking at me.

  “It’ll be okay, Jake,” Mom said again, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek. “Principle Hill will be waiting for you.”

  I glanced at her, seeing the worried lines creeping out from around her eyes and mouth. It seemed unfair of me to make her look so scared after everything she’d done for me the last few weeks. So I finally nodded, kissed her cheek, and climbed out of the van.

  The sun was blinding as it reflected off of the white high school in the distance. I squinted as I pulled my backpack over my shoulders and took in everything around me.

  One advantage to getting out at the middle school parking lot was that the crowd around me was younger, so they weren’t all looking for me. I managed to get half way to the high school before I started seeing the glances.

  “Hayes!” Blake Shaw bellowed from across the lawn, pounding his fist to his chest before pumping it in the air. I lifted my chin to him, trying to smile.

  Thanks to Blake, I’d been spotted.

  “Jake!” my insides turned cold when I heard Norah Hamilton’s voice from behind me. “Jake, wait up!”

  I barely slowed as I continued toward the front doors.

  “Jake!” she called as she came up to my side. “I’m so glad that you’re back! I was so worried about you.” She twirled her hair around one of her fingers.

  Well, at least the ugly scar wasn’t scaring the girls away. At least not Norah the Whora.

  “So are you all better now? Oh wait, how are you going to answer that question?”

  I tried really, really hard not to roll my eyes at her.

  I pulled the small notebook out of my pocket and flipped to a well-worn page that read I’m fine.

  “Oh, got it,” she laughed. It was seriously annoying. “Well, if you’re doing okay…”

  She was thankfully cut off as Rain wedged himself between her and I. “Thanks for the concern Norah,” Rain interrupted. She gave him the look of death, one of those other looks girls are really good at. “But I’m sure what Jake really needs is his posse.”

  “Whatever,” Norah said as she rolled her eyes and walked back to her own group of friends.

  “Welcome back, bro,” Carter said, suddenly appearing. He clapped his hand on my shoulder. I winced just a little. “You ready for this?”

  No, I simply wrote, flashing it to the both of them.

  “Don’t worry,” Rain said, squeezing my shoulders. “We’ll be with you the whole time. Well, at least until you get to Principle Hill’s office.”

  I just shook my head and gave a silent chuckle.

  “’K, that really is a little weird when you do that,” Carter laughed, eying me. I just swung a fist at him, which he too easily dodged.

  We were finally at the front doors, a whole herd of students following and staring. Pretending like I wasn’t terrified, I stepped through the front doors and into the commons.

  Everyone slowed just a little when they saw the three of us, their eyes jumping to my face. Through the mass of people I spotted Samantha, standing in the hall, her books clutched to her chest. She gave me a small smile, her eyes watching me with an expression that was hard to read.

  “Jake,” Principal Hill drew my eyes from Sam. “Glad to see you.” He stuck out his hand like I was supposed to shake it. It felt awkward as I did. I glanced at Carter who just gave me a quizzical look, his brows furrowed together.

  “We’ve got a lot to go over this morning so why don’t you join me in my office?” he said.

  I took a deep breath. Squeezing my hands into fists, I finally nodded my head. Rain and Carter patted my shoulders and muttered good-byes.

  “We’re really happy to have you back, Jake,” Principal Hill said as he draped an arm across my shoulders. It felt unusually heavy. But then, Principal Hill was a very fit, very muscled man. At least I was going to pretend I wasn’t physically weakened by the accident. “The entire school has really missed you.”

  I nodded again.

  The man’s office was small and crowded with stacks of papers, books, trophies, and more than a few discarded ties. I sank into the only available chair, pushing aside a few books. Principle Hill sat in his seat across the desk from me, unbuttoning his suit jacket and pulling his tie loose. He never looked comfortable in a suit. I had a sinking feeling that I knew why he was wearing it.

  “So, how you feeling?” he asked, his eyes automatically going to my throat. That was just something that I was going to have to get used to. It was the first thing people were going to notice about me for the rest of my life.

  I zipped my backpack open and slid out one of my new notebooks. Rummaging around for a pen, I clicked it open.

  Oh how these slow motion conversations were going to drive me insane.

  Fine, I simply wrote.

  “You ready to get back into regular school life?” Principal Hill asked, shuffling through a few papers on his desk. I saw flashes of my name on a few of them.

  I guess, I wrote. I can’t really sit at home anymore and do nothing.

  “I would guess that would be hard for an active guy like yourself,” he said with a smile. “Well, I’m hoping we can make things as easy as possible for you. I’ve been reviewing your class schedule and there are a few adjustments I’d like to discuss with you if that’s okay?”

  I didn’t want anything to change. I just wanted things to go back to the way they had been, back when my world was boring and made sense, back when the most agonizing part of my life was wondering when Samantha Shay was going to realize how crazy I was about her.

  I nodded.

  “Most of your classes won’t really require any change. But I wanted to see if you were still wanting to stay in your Woods and Weight Training classes? Oh yeah, by the way, you’ve been kicked off the football team if you didn’t guess.” He gave me one of those looks that teachers were good at.

  I figured, I wrote, giving him a sheepish look.

  “I’m not going to lecture you about what a stupid thing you all did, I figure you’ve been punished enough to learn your lesson,” Principal Hill said, resting his elbows on his desk and clasping his fingers together.

  Thank you, I wrote.

  “Anyway, back to my question. Would you still like to stay enrolled in your Woods and Weight Training classes? They’re a little more physically demanding and I don’t know how you’re feeling in that way.”

  I considered for a moment, gauging my physical state, what I felt like I could do. The whole incident had left me physically weaker than I would ever admit. But this was part of that whole decision thing I had to face. I could use this all as an excuse to get lazy. Or I could take control again and get myself back in every way I could.

  I’d like to stay in them, I answered. And I’d like to be back with my team members.

  “I figured you’d say that,” he said, a smile cracking on his face. “Just thought I’d better ask.” He wrote a few things down on a paper, some kind of form. “Now, there’s one class that’s going to have to change. I don’t want to dance around this Jake and make things awkward for both of us so I’m just going to say it. You’re obviously going to have to drop your Spanish three class.”

  I honestly hadn’t thought about that until then. I didn’t realize that I hadn’t been given any of my Spanish homework until then.

  I’d never speak Spanish again.

  Not that I was ever that good at it.

  “One of our students has actually been taking American Sign Language through independent study for just over a year now and I’m highly recommending that you enroll in the class as well. Given your circumstances, I think it makes sense t
hat we just go ahead and replace your Spanish class with that.”

  Independent study. In a school as small as Orcas High, that kind of class wouldn’t be taught, but I’d never thought about that option. I wondered who the student was that was taking it.

  “Does that sound okay?” the principal asked, giving me a cautious look. I hoped people wouldn’t always look at me like that for the rest of my life. Like I might break or have a meltdown at any moment.

  Sounds good, I wrote.

  “Great,” Principal Hill replied, looking a little relieved. He wrote a few more things down. “I’ll be right back.” He walked out and into the other administrative offices.

  I slouched back in the seat when Principal Hill left, feeling like I was finally breathing for the first time since I had woken that morning. Everything was happening so fast, there was so much going on, it felt like I hadn’t had time to actually process everything, to figure out where my life was going to go. But here I was, already thrown back into it all, feeling like I hadn’t even gotten to bob my head above water.

  Reality hadn’t really sunk in yet, I knew that.

  I didn’t want to know what life was going to feel like when it finally did.

  “Here you go, Jake,” Principal Hill said, reentering the room. He handed me a sheet of paper. My new class schedule. “A few of your classes have switched hours, to adjust for that independent study class, but a lot of them are still the same.”

  Well, about half of them were. Physics, AP English and US Government were all different hours. And I no longer had a single class with Rain and Carter besides Weight Training. Great, I thought.

  “So do you think you’re feeling up to your first class today?” he glanced at my schedule. “Calculus?”

  I clicked my pen again. If that’s okay, sir, I think I’ll wait ‘til next period. People are going to be staring enough without me walking in on the middle of a class.

  I watched Principal Hill’s face as he read my sloppy handwriting.

  “Understandable,” he said with a nod. “I’ll let Mr. Sue know you’re excused from first period today.”

  I nodded. Thanks.

  “If you need anything, you’re always welcome to come and see me,” Principal Hill said, standing and walking me out the door.

  I just nodded.

  It felt weird to be talking to Principal Hill like that. Troy had been like another dad to me all my life, Carter and I having been best friends for forever.

  My muteness had changed every relationship in my life in one way or another.

  That was the first time I’d thought that word about myself.

  I tried not to pair the word “mute” with “broken”.

  The halls of the high school were long silent as I worked my way toward my locker. It rattled deafeningly loud when I pulled it open. A single sheet of white lined paper fell onto the ground. It must have been folded up and slid between the vent slats.

  I bent down and picked it up off the cold tile floor and unfolded it.

  See you third period, was all it read.

  It was a girl’s handwriting, that was for sure. Neat and organized looking.

  Third period was my new independent ASL class.

  Wondering who my new classmate was going to be, I stashed my books for my later classes and swung the locker closed. Heading toward the stairs to the upper level, I heard someone call out behind me.

  “Jake, wait up!” I turned to see River jogging up behind me, coming from the direction of the girl’s bathroom. She smiled when she saw me, only briefly glancing at my beautiful scar. “Rain said you might be coming back to school today.”

  I just nodded, trying to manage a smile.

  “Must be kind of awful, huh?” she said, her nose scrunching just a little. “Talk about attention.”

  Seriously, I wrote on my pocket notebook.

  “Hey, look,” she smiled. To my surprise, she started signing, her hands moving slowly and cautiously. “I learned that on the internet a few days ago.”

  I gave a silent chuckle. Sorry, I have no idea what that means.

  She laughed at me, giving me a disbelieving look. “It means you’re a jerk.”

  I gave her a puzzled look and a hard glare. Jerk? Excuse me?

  “For leaving me hanging about the Homecoming dance,” she said in a very girl tone. It only took me a second to realize she was joking. She laughed all the harder. “You really thought I was serious for a minute there, didn’t you?”

  I just shook my head, rolling my eyes at her.

  “Hey, I’ll see you at lunch or something,” she said, turning in the opposite direction. “I’ve got to get back to class. And Jake, just be prepared for sixth period.”

  Before I could ask her to explain, she took off down the hall.

  With nothing else to do, I made my way to the upper floor, toward second period, Physics. Dropping my backpack on the ground, I sank to the floor next to it. I fished my cell phone out of my pocket, barely getting one bar of service on this middle-of-nowhere island. There were two text messages, one from Mom and one from Jordan. Mom was going to kill Jordan for texting during class.

  How’s things going? Mom’s first text read. You doing okay? the second said.

  Jordan’s said practically the same thing.

  I had just finished texting them both that things were fine when the bell rang, signaling the end of first period. I pulled the hood of my jacket up over my head and tried to sink into the floor as much as I could as students came pouring out of class rooms and into the hall. As soon as I was sure the classroom was empty, I slipped into Physics.

  Mr. Roy didn’t even glance up at me as I settled into a seat near the back of the classroom, grateful that he didn’t assign seats. Hopefully I wasn’t stealing anyone’s regular seat. I couldn’t be sure since this was one of my rearranged classes. I pulled my book out and started rummaging through my notes, attempting to look busy and keeping to myself beneath the protective cover of my hood.

  I heard someone slide into the seat next to me as the warning bell rang, other bodies shuffling through the door. I stole a sideways glance. My heart jumped into my throat when I saw Samantha was the one sitting right next to me. She did a little double take, her eyes locking with mine.

  “Jake?” she said, leaning forward. She pushed her bangs out of her eyes in that adorably annoying way of hers. “Hey, I didn’t realize you were switching into this class.”

  I tried to manage a smile and pressed a finger to my lips, glancing around to see if anyone had heard her. Eyes had flashed to my face, including Mr. Roy’s. I glanced back at Sam and saw her mouth “sorry” and give an apologetic smile.

  “Mr. Hayes,” Mr. Roy said as he rose from his seat and started walking toward me as students continued to fill the classroom. “Glad to have you back. Principal Hill called me just a few minutes ago to let me know you were transferring to this hour.”

  I could only nod.

  “If you need any help getting caught up with everything we’ve gone over since you’ve been gone, just let me know. Your homework has all looked fine.”

  Thanks, I scratched on the notebook in front of me.

  Mr. Roy looked at my page contemplatively for a moment, and then glanced at my face. He gave a little grunt that I didn’t quite understand, and then sauntered back toward the front of the classroom as the tardy bell sounded.

  As Mr. Roy started rattling off about stuff that I really didn’t understand, a folded piece of paper was flicked onto my desk from the right. I glanced over at Sam as I reached for it. She stared intently at what the teacher was scrawling on the whiteboard.

  Sorry, it read. I didn’t mean to expose you.

  I read it twice, glancing back over at Samantha once. My chest broke out into a weird little sprint.

  No worries, I replied. They’re all going to see me eventually. I flicked the note back onto her desk. She very stealthily wrapped her fingers around it and opened the page under her desk. br />
  A small, sad smile spread on her face as she turned her attention back to the lecture.

  I had no idea what we were supposed to be learning about that day.

  3 hours since stepping into the spotlight

  The bell finally rang, ending second period. I couldn’t decide if the hour had gone by too fast, or not nearly fast enough. Samantha gave me a little sideways smile as she left the room, her books gathered up into her chest.

  I sighed and shook my head as I slid my things back into my backpack, and pulled my hood over my head again.

  Man, I’m pathetic. What am I? Some love struck girl? I thought to myself.

  Somehow I made it to my next classroom without anyone seeing me, or at least I didn’t see them seeing me. My independent study class was located at the far end of the high school, in a room that was only used to teach ancient world history one period a day.

  Whoever my fellow independent studier was, they weren’t there when I got to the room. I flipped the light on, the fluorescent bulbs buzzing to life above me. Pulling my hood down, I dropped my bag onto one of the dozen desks and sank into it. Rummaging through my backpack, I pulled out a fresh notebook, one with a red cover.

  I remembered then how the psychologist had advised me to write in a journal frequently. Something about how I couldn’t voice what I had to say, and sometimes I would have things to say that I didn’t want anyone else to hear.

  It seemed like the normal mumbo-jumbo crap psychologists always spouted off. But for some reason I wanted to say something about this crazy weird day, and the unexpected benefit that came from my new class schedule.

  The door squeaked as it swung open and my eyes jumped from the notebook to it.

  The last person I expected or wanted to be standing in that doorway was Samantha Shay.

  “Hi Jake,” she said with a small smile, giving a little side wave, even though we were less than ten feet apart.

  Out of pure instinct, I tried to say Hi back, but instead just felt like an idiot when no sound came out. I could only give a little awkward wave back.