What I Didn't Say

She was at least kind enough not to smile or laugh at my attempt at talking. She closed the door behind her and walked to the desk next to mine. She dropped her messenger bag on the floor as she sank into her seat.

  “’K, this feels too weird, sitting side by side like this when it’s just us,” she kind of laughed. “Let’s turn these so they’re facing each other.”

  I felt awkward and weird as we both stood, grabbed our desk/chair combo’s and shuffled them until they were touching each other at the front. As we sat back down, our knees accidently bumped. I hoped I wasn’t blushing, or something embarrassing like that.

  “So,” she said with a bright smile, glancing at me as she pulled her books out of her bag. The half dozen rings she wore on her fingers flashed in the light. She produced a book that looked like it weighed about ten pounds. Easily. “You glad to be back in school?”

  I gave a shrug, feeling like my stomach was filled with acid or something. Everything inside of me felt like it was squirming.

  Why did my tutor have to be Sam? I was glad I had more classes with her, but I didn’t want her to be with me, constantly seeing the effects of that stupid drunk night.

  “I’m really glad you’re okay,” she said, her eyes suddenly growing more serious. I thought I saw something flicker behind them, but didn’t know what it was, or if I even really saw it. “The whole school was totally devastated when we found out what happened.”

  And just like that, she put me back in my distant place.

  Guess that will teach me a lesson for drinking, I wrote with shakier hands than I would have liked.

  “It’s a pretty harsh lesson,” she said, her eyes on mine. They reminded me of melted chocolate. “But I guess a lesson none the less.”

  I just shrugged, my eyes dropping from her face. In that moment I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through third period without dying or shriveling up from humiliation.

  “Okay,” Sam said, taking a deep breath and sitting up straighter. “So I’ve been doing ASL for just over a year now. Obviously with how small our school is, we don’t have any teachers who actually teach it, or enough interest for them to get someone.”

  Why’d you decide to take ASL on your own anyway? I wrote, turning the notebook so she could read it.

  “Uh,” she stumbled over her words, her eyes suddenly dropping from mine. “A family member of mine suddenly lost their hearing. I thought it would be a nice thing to do.”

  I didn’t quite believe what she said. Pretty much everyone on the island knew Samantha didn’t have any family besides her single mom, who traveled for business frequently, leaving Samantha at home by herself most of the time.

  “How much sign language have you learned?” she asked, expertly changing the subject. “I know you probably haven’t had much time to pick up on it, with everything that you’ve probably been through since the…” she trailed off, the same way a lot of people did when they referenced what had happened to me.

  Accident? I wrote out for her.

  “Yeah, that,” she said, tucking a long lock of hair behind her ear uncomfortably. “Is it okay if I call it that? I don’t… want to offend you or anything.”

  Don’t know what else you’d call it, I wrote. I could tell I was being a bit of jerk but I wasn’t sure how to stop myself. My idiotic night of self-destruction?

  “Accident it is then,” Sam said, her eyes falling to the book in front of her. From the tone of her voice I could tell I’d offended her.

  I should have apologized, but I felt stupid enough already.

  Instead I started signing my name, followed by the one phrase I knew. I’m mute.

  That’s it, I wrote when I was done.

  “Okay,” she said, her tone even and natural again. “That’s a start. Do you know the whole alphabet?”

  I shook my head and reached for my pen. Not really. Just the letters in my name.

  “We’ll start there then,” Sam said, mercifully giving me a little smile.

  And this was why I had been in love with Samantha Shay since the first day I saw her. Because even though I was being a jerk to her, she was still being nice to me. Sam was one of the nicest people I’d ever known.

  1 year ago

  4 months into junior year

  “Nice game Kelly,” Carter called as a few of the girls from the basketball team walked outside. She waved, flashing him a brief smile. Carter looked a little defeated she didn’t stop to flirt with him or something.

  I stuffed my hands into my pockets, pretending like I wasn’t looking around for Sam. Carter and Rain had been relentless with their jabs and jokes lately. Not seeing her, I watched as three other girls from the team walked out of the locker room and headed for the doors to the parking lot.

  “Man, Karina seriously needs to learn how to use some lotion,” Carter said quietly, raising an eyebrow as she walked by with her friends. “We may have to stick her in the tank with Charlie soon.” Charlie was Carter’s gigantic iguana he’d had since he was twelve.

  “Karina has a skin condition that’s getting worse, you jerk.” Sam had suddenly appeared, her duffle bag slung over her shoulder. She was still sweaty from the game, her jersey clinging to her skin. I might have had a hard time not staring if she hadn’t looked so mad. “She can’t help it.”

  Carter face instantly turned red, unable to meet Samantha’s eyes. He didn’t say anything, just stood there awkwardly.

  “You might think twice next time before judging someone like that,” Sam said, giving Carter a hard look. “Maybe think about what people say about you behind your back.”

  “Oh! Burned!” Rain said, pressing his fist to his lips, laughing.

  Samantha just gave the tiniest of smiles, then turned and walked out of the commons with her mom.

  6 hours since stepping into the spotlight

  10 minutes ‘til it got a whole lot worse

  I felt like I was on Samantha-overload that day. Normally I couldn’t see Sam enough, but with her in my second, third, fourth, and fifth periods, I felt like her eyes would never leave me and my brokenness. Had this happened three weeks ago I would have been beyond thrilled. But I really didn’t want her seeing me like this.

  I had to give it to her though. She wasn’t staring at my throat. She wasn’t really giving me special treatment.

  Really, she was acting like a friend.

  River had been right to warn me about something coming sixth period. As soon as Mr. Donnor took attendance, the Woodshop class was told to head down to the gym for an assembly. My stomach immediately sank into my feet.

  They wouldn’t really have an assembly for me, would they?

  I tried asking Carter and Rain about it as we headed toward the gym, but they weren’t exactly being helpful. I figured they thought they were being funny by not telling me what was going on, but it was just pissing me off.

  I spotted Sam walking in front of me and stepped up my pace.

  Any idea what’s going on? I quickly wrote. I gently grabbed her arm to get her attention and held up my pocket notebook for her to read.

  She looked up at me, with an expression like she wasn’t sure if she should say anything. “It’s not totally about you,” she said. “But yeah, you’re going to be getting a lot of attention.”

  I must have blanched white or something, because her expression was suddenly sympathetic. “Do you want to sit by me?” she asked, bumping her arm against mine.

  I glanced once back at Carter and Rain. They both gave me a wink and encouraging, smug nods, so I figured that I was good to go.

  Thanks, I wrote.

  Everyone bottlenecked into the gym, the volume of everyone’s voices seeming to double as they echoed off the wood floor. I followed Sam through the crowd and we sat on the second row from the floor, right in the middle of the bleachers. I gave her an unsure look.

  “This will make things easier,” she said, giving me an apologetic smile. She twisted one of the rings on her thumb.

  I
just shook my head and turned to watch Principal Hill and a few other teachers walk to the middle of the gym. There was a microphone sitting on a table there, as well as a stack of colorful papers.

  My palms started sweating and I suddenly itched everywhere.

  “Sit down, please,” Principal Hill said into the microphone, standing just in front of the folding table. The one hundred and sixty or so students of Orcas High made their way onto the bleachers. “Let’s get started.”

  I felt like a hundred pairs of eyes were burning into the back of my head. I fought the urge to pull my hood back up.

  “You okay?” Sam whispered, her shoulder brushing mine as she leaned towards me.

  I swallowed hard and nodded.

  “I wanted to welcome you all to this special assembly,” Principal Hill said, walking back and forth on the floor of the basketball court. “And we especially welcome Jake Hayes back. We’ve all missed you.”

  The gym suddenly broke out in clapping, my name being shouted from several of the students. I turned slightly and waved at them, feeling like I might die from the embarrassment.

  “Our school suffered a great tragedy, you all know that,” Principal Hill said, pausing in front of the table and leaning against it. “Some poor choices were made and unfortunately there are some permanent consequences due to those choices.”

  Oh gosh. I thought I was going to die.

  “Jake,” Principal Hill addressed me directly. “This is actually the second assembly we’ve had in two weeks. The whole student body directed the last one. I’d ask our student body president, Norah Hamilton, to come up and fill you in on what the last one was about.”

  Oh no…

  I really was going to die.

  Norah tromped down the stairs, her high heels clanging with each step she took. She flashed a bright smile as she walked passed me and Sam, and took the microphone from Principal Hill.

  “Jake,” she said, looking directly at me. “What happened to you is beyond tragic. And really, we are all to blame for what happened to you. As a student body, we all admitted we have a problem. Living on such a small island with, let’s face it, basically nothing to do this time of year, we too often turn to alcohol to keep us entertained.”

  I heard a lot of people squirming as Norah spoke. I wondered if everyone at Rain’s party had admitted to being there. Practically everyone at the school drank from time to time at parties.

  “But with everything that’s happened to you Jake, we’ve realized we have a problem. And we don’t want to see this escalate until something worse happens. With how horrible your accident was, it could have been so much worse.”

  I glanced over my shoulder to the students behind me. I was surprised to see that several girls had reddened eyes, a bunch of guys were nodding their heads, leaning forward, hanging on every word Norah said.

  “We’ve all talked, and we’re ready to give it up. All the booze, all the alcohol,” Norah continued, her eyes shifting over the whole student body. I was surprised their faces reflected what she said. “We’re ready to make a pledge not to drink again, ever, this whole school year.”

  Norah grabbed one of the colorful papers off of the table and held it up. “I’m asking all of you to sign with me. To not drink again, and to not let another tragedy like this happen ever again at our school. There are pens up here and some tape. We’re going to make them into a mural in the commons as a reminder of our commitment.”

  No one moved for a second, everyone waiting for someone else to take the first step. And then Samantha rose to her feet and walked to the table. She grabbed a bright green pledge and wrote her first name across it in big, bold letters. Grabbing a piece of tape, she turned back and looked at me.

  I climbed to my feet and crossed to the table. Barely glancing at Norah, I grabbed a blue paper, scratched my name across it, and grabbed a piece of tape. I heard a mass of feet behind me and turned to see the entire student body climbing down the bleachers.

  I stood to the side with Samantha and watched as each and every one of them signed their name on the pledge. They all looked up at me when they were done. Many of them said things like, “Sorry this happened,” “Glad to have you back,” and “Thanks for the reality call.” And then as a student body, we all filed out of the gym and into the commons. The US Government teacher, Mr. Crow stood at the top of a ladder. One by one, each of the students handed him their pledges and he taped them to the side of the walkway that overlooked the commons area. With Norah directing where to put them, he taped them up. They would be the first thing everyone would see when they walked through the front doors every day.

  As I looked around at my fellow students, I was surprised to see that each of them meant it when they signed that pledge. I saw it in each of their faces. They really were sorry for what happened to me.

  I knew a lot of them wouldn’t really keep that pledge the entire year. But this was a step. They really were willing to try. At least for a while.

  Out of all the bad that had happened the last few weeks, at least one good thing had come around. Maybe with what had happened to me, I could keep something worse from happening to someone else.

  1 hour since the assembly

  I caught a ride home with Carter after school. How he’d managed to get a new car already I didn’t know. It kind of bugged me if I was being honest. But it felt nice to get back to normal just a little, riding home from school with one of my best friends.

  Carter dropped me off at my house, Mom’s gargantuan van already parked back in the driveway. I noticed a beat up bike with a trailer attached to the back of it parked next to it. I’d seen that bike before.

  I opened the front door and walked in to see Mom talking to a familiar face.

  “Jake,” Mom said, jumping as if she’d been caught doing something bad. “You’re home. You remember Kali?”

  I wouldn’t say I remembered him. Everyone always saw Kali riding around town on his bike with his trailer hooked up. Kali had ink dark skin, and a headful of some serious dreadlocks. Kali was hard to miss.

  I just nodded.

  “Well,” Mom said, looking slightly uncomfortable. “Kali has known sign language since he was a child and when he heard what happened to you, he volunteered to help teach you.”

  A hard knot formed in my stomach.

  “My mother was born deaf, as was my younger sister,” Kali said. He had a Haitian accent that made some of his words difficult to understand. “I was lucky enough to be born hearing but with just the three of us, I knew sign language better than I knew how to speak. I thought maybe I could help.”

  I was already getting so sick of all this attention. I wanted nothing more than for life to just go back to normal, back to the days when I spent afternoons practicing football and procrastinating my homework. Not days of freaking out around Sam and having the town crazy man offering me his help.

  “Is that okay, Jake?” Mom asked.

  How was I supposed to say no? That would have been rude and uncomfortable.

  I gave just the smallest of nods.

  “Great,” Mom said, her shoulders relaxing noticeably. “I’ll leave you two to it then.”

  And just like that, Mom walked out of the room and into the kitchen, leaving just the two of us alone.

  Awkward.

  “You want to shoot some hoops?” Kali said, a small smile on his dark face.

  I furrowed my brow at Kali, not sure I’d heard him right. I thought we were supposed to be going over how to talk with our hands, not using them to throw a ball around.

  “I haven’t played in a long time,” he said, heading for the front door. “I figure you probably haven’t either.”

  I glanced in the direction of the kitchen, catching a glimpse of Mom spying. She just nodded her head and waved me away. So I dropped my backpack on the floor and followed Kali outside.

  Dad had installed a heavy duty basketball hoop over our driveway just after we had moved to the island fourteen years
ago. It was pretty beat up and was in need of a new net, but it had held up pretty good considering how much use it had gotten over the years.

  Kali grabbed a ball that sat at the base of the hoop and started dribbling. He shot and it made a quiet swoosh as it dropped through the net. Kali flashed me a blinding smile and pumped his fists in the air. I couldn’t help but smile back as I chased after the ball.

  I turned back to the hoop, about to shoot when Kali caught my attention. He made a motion with his hands, repeating it three times. “That’s the sign for score,” he said, nodding for me to go ahead and shoot. I tossed it up. It circled around the rim twice before dropping through the net.

  “And this,” Kali said, making another motion. “Means basketball.”

  I made another shot, letting the ball bounce into the side of the van harmlessly as I repeated the motions Kali made.

  “Good,” Kali said, smiling as he nodded. “And this,” he made another motion. “Means to play. You put them together to say ‘to play basketball.’” He put the two signs together. I watched his hands closely, making sure I would get it right when I tried it.

  Much more slowly, I repeated Kali’s hand motions.

  “You got it!” Kali said encouragingly. “Won’t be too long and we’ll be having this entire conversation in sign.”

  I tried to give him a small smile, grabbing the ball again. I threw it up, watching as it fell through the net. Basketball season would be starting again in about a month. Would I be able to play?

  As we continued to play basketball for the next hour, Kali taught me other sports terms in sign, laughing and joking the entire time.

  It wasn’t too long before I was silently laughing along with him.

  Maybe Kali wasn’t as crazy as everyone thought.

  Maybe sometimes I was as guilty as anyone else of placing judgments too quickly.

  The psychologist told me to write, so here I am.

  I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to say. I think she wanted me to write about how I’m so angry with the world, or maybe angry with myself. I think I’m supposed to spill all my feelings out on this page, the one’s I don’t feel like I say to anyone else.