What I Didn't Say

  But I don’t really know what to say.

  Not being able to talk sucks. There’s no doubt about that. There’s a lot of times when I almost feel like I’m trapped inside of myself. Like if I don’t talk or yell or scream or laugh I’m going to explode. A lot of the time it almost feels like I’m suffocating.

  And when I think about the fact that I won’t be able to talk for the rest of my life… that feels like too long to even comprehend. I can deal with not being able to talk for the next week, the next month. But forever…?

  Of course I regret that night we all got drunk. So many times I just think, well, what was I thinking? Mom was right. All the grown-ups were right. About staying away from drugs and alcohol. And the stupid thing is that I think every teenager knows that. We all know we aren’t supposed to do the things our parents tell us not to do. But that’s why we do them. Cause they tell us not to.

  How stupid is it that my biggest regret about all of this is what I didn’t say to Sam? I just keep thinking about it, over and over, every hour of every day, how I was such a chicken. I’ve wanted to tell Samantha that I loved her for how many years now? And now I’ll never get the chance to tell her.

  My biggest regret is what I didn’t say…

  Guess that should teach me a lesson about procrastination or something, right? About not putting the really important things in life off?

  Life can be pretty cruel sometimes.

  7 months ‘til graduation

  And then what?

  My leg bounced up and down as I sat in Physics. It had been three weeks since I’d gone back to school. Norah had finally backed off, she and Blake getting hot and heavy. Eyes still stared at the hole in my neck, but they didn’t linger like they used to. I wasn’t quite the spectacle I’d been before. I wasn’t picking up on the sign language very quickly, but I wasn’t going to complain, at least I was getting to spend a lot of time with Samantha.

  It seemed weird that she wasn’t in class that day. Samantha never missed classes. Ever. But we were half way through Physics, and she hadn’t shown up. What was I going to do in our independent study class during third hour? I wasn’t exactly great at turning the pictures in our books into actual hand motions.

  I sat with my forehead resting against the palm of my hand, pretending to be working through the worksheet Mr. Roy had given us when someone slid into the seat next to me. My head jerked up to see Samantha settle into her chair.

  She looked tired. Her hair was a mess, her clothes wrinkled.

  You okay? I wrote in the notebook with the red cover, the one I only ever used to write to her in. I stealthily slid it across to her desk.

  Samantha glanced at me once, something like fear or the look of being caught flashing in her eyes. She turned her attention to the notebook and pulled out a pencil.

  I had never noticed until then, how Samantha’s physical appearance had gotten a little rougher every day since the first day of school. Her clothes always looked wrinkled and worn. There were always bags under her eyes these days it seemed. She looked thinner than she did at the end of last year.

  Maybe I had just dismissed it as stress from the school year, or that her mom was gone for work and Sam had to take care of herself. I really hoped that was all it was.

  Samantha pushed the notebook back onto my desk and turned her attention to her work.

  Yeah, she wrote. Just tired. The power went out at our house last night and I didn’t sleep very well. Got kinda cold.

  I glanced over at her, though she didn’t meet my eyes as she worked. Somehow I thought that was a lie. The power didn’t just go out at one house on the island unless there was a serious problem, right at the house. When the power went out, it went out for most of the entire island.

  For the rest of the class period, I couldn’t help but wonder if something serious was going on with Sam. It actually felt kind of nice, worrying about someone else, instead of being the one that was being worried about all the time.

  The bell rang and Sam and I went separate ways to our lockers. Carter and Rain gathered around my locker between classes, griping about being bored since the football season had been canceled. They were actually seriously talking about going hiking that weekend.

  We hadn’t gone hiking since about sixth grade.

  I suggested the lake instead. With Halloween only one week away it was going to be freezing, but at least it was something to do.

  As the warning bell rang, I finally headed to the far end of the building.

  Samantha was already there, reading through one of the books we’d been assigned in AP English. She didn’t even notice me as I walked in and turned my desk towards hers. I watched her as she read, chewing on her lower lip, making it red and slightly swollen. Her face looked totally engaged. She used her thumb on her free hand to twist the ring on her index finger in a slow circle. Her feet were propped up on her desk, making her looked crammed and wedged in her seat.

  Deciding not to bother her, I pulled out the notebook she’d written in earlier and set it and my ASL book on the desk. Opening to the section we were in, I set to studying the pictures, attempting to make my three-dimensional hands look like the flat, two-dimensional ones. A book was a ridiculous way to learn sign language.

  I hadn’t noticed that Sam had taken my notebook until she pushed it in front of me again, more of her handwriting scrawled below what she’d written the period before.

  So I wanted to try something different today, she’d written. I’m not going to talk the entire period either. So it’s either writing or signing. Maybe that will help you to pick up on it faster.

  I looked up at her, giving her a doubtful look. She just smiled at me innocently, resting her chin in her hands, and batted her eyes at me in a teasing way. A small smile spread on my face as I shook my head at her.

  This ought to be interesting, I wrote beneath her neat handwriting.

  She reached for the notebook. I have to admit, I’ve been curious what it’s been like for you, not being able to talk. Maybe someday I’ll try it for a whole day.

  Ooo, a whole day, I taunted her on the page.

  “Hey!” she said defensively. Realizing her mistake, she covered her mouth with her hands, her eyes growing wide. I just silently laughed and shook my head. I scratched “whole day” out on the page and replaced it with minute.

  Okay, she wrote. This might be a little harder than I thought.

  Hey, it’s kind of nice, I wrote. Not to be the only silent one.

  I can’t even imagine. It must feel pretty lonely.

  It could be worse, I wrote. I watched her face closely as she read it. Her eyes lingered there for longer than it would have taken to read them, making me wonder what was going through her head.

  Ready to get started? she wrote, sitting up a little straighter. She looked slightly uncomfortable.

  Nice going, I thought to myself. Way to ruin whatever we had going on.

  4 days to the lake

  Finally, something to count down to…

  The plans for the lake that weekend were getting more elaborate as the week went on. It really helped that the weather was supposed to get to seventy degrees. Considering it didn’t get much hotter than that in the middle of the summer, it was practically a heat wave. From what Carter and Rain said, at least half the school was planning to go Saturday.

  Even Samantha was coming.

  I tried not to imagine too much what Sam looked like in a swimming suit.

  By the end of the week, things were starting to feel… almost normal. Principal Hill had allowed most of the guys that were at the party the night of my accident to get back onto the basketball team. Practices would be starting on Monday. I had met with most of the guys every day after school in the weight room for extra workouts in preparation.

  Kali and I had gotten into a routine over the past few weeks. He’d come over in the evenings on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We’d go for walks, or play basketball, or once we even went on a bike
ride. And he’d teach me signs, always applicable to whatever we were doing that day. I felt pretty stupid for not catching on very fast. But Kali was patient with me, always easy going. Other times he didn’t even really do any sign, he’d just tell stories about when he was a kid in Haiti.

  I didn’t feel as sorry for myself after hearing about Kali’s childhood.

  By the time Saturday came around, I could officially introduce myself in sign, explain that I was mute, and could tell someone what I liked to do in my spare time.

  For some reason I felt bad that I was learning more sign with Kali than I was with Samantha. I could tell she was getting frustrated that we weren’t making very fast progress. I guessed that would be frustrating for the smartest girl in the school.

  When Saturday rolled around Rain hitchhiked his way to my house and the two of us headed toward Moran State Park.

  As we drove in silence, I could feel that something was changing between me and my two best friends. Carter, Rain, and I hadn’t hung out much since the accident. I could tell they were trying hard to act like everything was normal, like nothing had changed between the three of us. But they’d pulled away a bit. And there was always this little bug in the back of my brain, one that reminded me that if it hadn’t been for them, I might still be able to talk.

  I hated that I couldn’t entirely blame them though for pulling away. It had to be awkward for them. It was hard to talk to a person who couldn’t talk.

  With all the tourists gone, I was actually able to find parking at the lake for once. With no public swimming pool on the island, that’s what the lake became. I’d spent more than half my summer there, lounging out in just my swimming trunks on the grass next to the lake, or jumping off the bridge or the cliffs.

  It really did look like half the school was out that day. Already I could tell there wasn’t much area left to claim on the leveled, grass shore.

  Just as I climbed out of the Bronco, I saw a car stop in the middle of the road. From out of the passenger door, climbed Samantha. She thanked the driver, who took off as soon as she shut the door.

  Hitchhiking would seem pretty dangerous anywhere else in the country. But on Orcas it seemed weird if you drove from your house to town without seeing someone looking for a ride.

  “Hey,” she said with a bright smile as she walked up to my side. Rain gave a smug side look, and stealthily snuck away. “That was probably the scariest ride I’ve ever gotten on this island. I think I’m a little high just from riding in that guy’s car for the last five minutes.”

  I gave a silent laugh, offering to carry her bag. She gave me a little smile and handed it over.

  “Such a gentleman,” she teased. I just bumped her with my shoulder, knocking her slightly off balance.

  We walked through the trees to the edge of the lake. There really wasn’t a whole lot of room to lie out. Half naked teenagers were everywhere, spread out on blankets or spread out on each other. Carter sat in the middle of a swarm of girls, shirtless, playing his guitar and singing. He may have been a good guitar player, but he definitely couldn’t sing. The girls didn’t seem to mind though.

  Sam waved to two of her friends, Marina and Summer, but to my surprise she didn’t go sit with them, just stayed at my side, looking for a place to settle.

  A small flicker of hope jumped to life inside of me.

  Pretty crowded, I wrote on my pocket notebook.

  “Yeah, this is crazy,” she said, blocking the sun from her eyes with her hand. “I think the whole school’s here.” She suddenly looked over at me, a mischievous grin on her face. “Follow me.”

  I couldn’t help but smile too as she took off down the trail that went around the entire lake. She bounded in front of me, picking up speed as her sandaled feet jogged down the trail. I shifted Sam’s bag and my towel over my shoulder, sliding my notebook into my pocket as I jogged after her.

  We didn’t run far before she slowed. I knew where she was headed before we even got there.

  There was a bridge that crossed over a section of the lake where it bottled into a small lagoon. I had gone skinny dipping here more than once, as had the rest of the school at one time or another. I was surprised that there was no one else around. It was a popular spot for jumping, or even just hanging out.

  Sam stopped when she got to the middle of the bridge. She kicked her sandals off and scaled the rail of the bridge until she stood on top of it. I could only watch her in wonder as she closed her eyes, raising her arms to her side, and just stood there.

  She looked… free, standing there. Like she always carried the weight of her future on her shoulders, but standing there, above the water and in the sun, she looked different.

  She looked beautiful.

  But I couldn’t tell her that.

  Sam suddenly gave a laugh, her eyes flashing to my face. I jumped, getting caught staring. “You going to jump with me?” she asked with a smile. She suddenly pulled her tank top over her head and shimmied out of her denim shorts, tossing them back on the bridge. She stood there in just her swimming suit.

  I laughed and pulled out my pocket notebook. It’s going to be freezing, I wrote.

  “So,” she taunted. “You afraid of a little cold water?”

  I chuckled again and shook my head. Setting our stuff down, I pulled my shirt over my head. Maybe I just imagined that Sam stared for just a moment too long, the same as I had done with her. Pushing that thought aside, I climbed the railing until I was balanced beside her.

  “You should know I’m not a very good swimmer,” she said very seriously, her eyes glued to the water.

  And before I could react, Sam grabbed my hand and pulled me off the railing with her and into the water.

  The water felt like ice as it enveloped my skin, sucking me into its depths. My head surfaced, and I gasped for air. As Sam’s head popped out of the water, I realized she was still clinging to my hand.

  Her arms flailed, and she gasped as her head started to sink back under the water.

  Crap.

  Sam wasn’t lying when she said she wasn’t a very good swimmer.

  Gripping her hand tighter, I pulled her upwards. Maneuvering her so she was behind me, I pulled her arms around my neck. She coughed violently, squeezing tight around me. Thankfully I was a good swimmer and I slowly made our way to the rocks at the end of the bridge.

  “Wasn’t that fun?” Sam said, coughing violently as we climbed back up to the bridge.

  I just looked at her like seriously…? as we walked back toward our things. I grabbed my notebook and furiously wrote.

  What was that about? Were you trying to kill yourself?!

  She gave me this sheepish look that was so irritatingly cute it virtually washed away my frustration. “I’ve never jumped off the bridge before,” she said as she dried herself off with her towel. “There’s always been too many people around and I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of them all. I just… I just wanted to try it.”

  I just stood there, almost not believing what she had said. Sam was unwilling to try a bridge jump in front of everyone else. Everyone but me.

  A chuckle suddenly shook my chest, a smile breaking free on my lips. I just shook my head at her. Sam laughed too.

  We both spread our towels out on the bridge, each of us lying down on our stomachs.

  “Oh yeah, I brought something for you,” Sam said, shifting so she could reach her bag. She pulled out my red notebook, the one I only used to talk to her. “You left it on my desk after AP English yesterday.”

  I smiled, taking it from her extended hand, and set it to the side.

  Sam folded her arms in front of her and rested her head on them, letting her eyes slide closed. “This is nice,” she said, her voice relaxed. “All warm and quiet.”

  I nodded, letting my head rest in my own arms.

  We didn’t say or write anything for a long time. Normally silence like that was uncomfortable and awkward. Like you needed to say something to fill th
e empty space in the air. But it didn’t feel like that with Samantha. Maybe it was because I couldn’t say anything and fill the quiet, but I thought it was more about two people just being with each other, enjoying the slowdown and the rare sunshine.

  I lifted my head to turn it the other direction when my neck started hurting and realized Sam was lying with her chin resting on her arms, staring at me. I froze there, my eyes locked on hers, just looking at her.

  Even though Sam had lost so much weight lately, she was still beautiful. I had thought so the very first day I saw her, just after she and her mom moved to the island. Sam had been a little different then. She was always the smartest in our class, outshining everyone by a long shot. But back then she used to be more… involved, in everything. She’d been on the girls’ basketball team. She used to go out with friends all the time. She had seemed a little more… alive.

  But Sam was different this year. She wasn’t going out for sports. I didn’t see her interact with anyone very often, besides Summer and Marina occasionally. She seemed so much more reserved. She seemed so much older.

  “I think my back is getting sunburned.” I jumped violently when she spoke, causing her to laugh. Mercifully, she just rolled over onto her back, letting one of her arms fall across her eyes to block out the sun.

  I tried not to overthink the moment we’d just shared, just staring at each other, and rolled over onto my back as well.

  We were quiet again for a while, just soaking up the sun. But I could tell there was something on Samantha’s mind.

  “Will you ever be able to fly again, Jake?” she asked quietly, as if on cue.

  Something sank inside of me as I considered her question. I thought about the powerful feeling of controlling a plane, of the rush I felt knowing I was thousands of feet above the Earth, the only thing keeping me from falling to my death being two aluminum wings.

  I held up my hand and made the sign for no when I faintly heard her slide her arm off of her eyes.