Slow to Grow

For senior year of college, Lloyd was going to live in a house with Mike, and one of Mike=s friends, Declan. Lloyd didn=t know him very well, but Mike promised that he was a cool dude and that he was lowkey. God Bless Mike and his earnestness, but he couldn=t have been more wrong. Declan turned out to be a pretentious arthouse , Kierkegaard quoting, philosophy majoring patronizing cockstain. If coffeehouses existed in the late 80's Declan would have been front and center reading his pedantic poetry and strumming Cat Stevens on his acoustic guitar. Suffice it to say, Lloyd and him were not a good match.

  As has been fully established so far, Lloyd thrived on peace and quiet, and in the first week of school, Declan had people over until 5 in the morning, eating shrooms and discussing Proust. It was really sickening. Lloyd would tell them to shut up, and Declan, in the midst of his shroom buzz would call Lloyd a dissenter and an abrogater. It made no sense.

  Declan also seems personally offended at Lloyd=s work ethic. Lloyd didn=t spend much time on schoolwork and that seemed to piss Declan off to no end. He would ask Lloyd if he had done his homework, and Lloyd would glare at him and answer, ANo, Mother, I promise I will get to it.@

  And then Declan would lecture him about getting a proper education, and Lloyd would make up a Voltaire quote just to piss him off.

  Who the hell was he to give a shit if Lloyd had his work done. It was a tense existence for the two of them, and Mike just stayed out of the way. Neither of them ever talked to him again after the year.

  Mike, having never lived with Lloyd, got a first hand and front row seat to his neuroses. The house abutted the local high school and an adjoining park. Every morning at 7:45 the high school band would conduct band practice in the park. Lloyd would wake up in a huff, pull the pillow over his head, and then when he couldn=t take it anymore, he would open his window and scream at them to shut the fuck up. No one ever heard him. Mike thought it was the funniest thing he had ever seen or heard. Lloyd told him that he was going to write a letter to the high school principal to petition them to stop playing. Mike told him he should, just to egg him on. Lloyd knew he was taunting and teasing him, but he agreed and thought it would be funny. So he did. He created stationary from a law firm and pretended to be a lawyer.

  Dear Principal Pettigrew,

  I am writing in regards to the noises emanating from your playing fields on a daily basis. At approximately 7:42 am every morning, my client, Robert Mitnek, is awakened to what appears to be the sounds of farm animals being slaughtered on your school grounds. In reality, that noise is your school Aband@ butchering John Philip Sousa and Richard Marx.

  On behalf of my client, I am writing to let you know I have filed a cease and desist order with the county of Douglas and with the city of Lawrence, Kansas. The incessant noise is causing a serious sleeping disorder in my client, and I ask that the band practice be moved to a time when he is not home. If this is not accomplished I will be forced to proceed to small claims court.

  Sincerely,

  George Mitterwald, Attorney at Law.