His Selfish Love

  “Like what? How should I be, just to make sure you’re okay? For once, let me fucking hurt.”

  Slade takes pity on me and ushers her out of the room. He murmurs something to her and closes the door in her face.

  I watch him cross the room and pick the tray up, choosing to set it down on the nightstand instead. From what I can see, there’s a bowl of something and some buttered bread.

  “After everything you’ve been through, I can’t believe she’s put this on you too,” he says weakly. “You’ve spent so long with no answers, I promise you now, I’m going to find them all for you.”

  As disgusting as it would be, I wish Slade was my dad. Or someone like him. He cares. He makes time for you and makes you feel wanted.

  “Is she telling the truth? Is Cas my father?”

  “I think so,” he nods.

  “How did he take it?” I dare to ask.

  His boys are his pride and joy, his family is perfect.

  “He’s in shock, like everyone is, well, apart from your mom.”

  “You’d think I’d be used to her admissions, wouldn’t you?” I crack a smile.

  “This is different, Harps.”

  “I wish I could go back to sleep.”

  He passes me the glass of water and two little white pills.

  “After today, I won’t be giving you any more of these. Tonight, you need them, and I hope when you wake up life is kinder to you.”

  He helps me half sit up so I can swallow down some water to chase the pills, and I lay back down. The food is soon forgotten, and I close my eyes as he leaves the room.

  I slip into another dead sleep and fear what my life will be like the next time I wake up.

  When I was first placed on my bed, the sheets felt like they were scratching against every cut and pore as I writhed in pain. They’re back to being as soft as they were before my attack, and my body isn’t as stiff. I ache and if I move too quickly, pain shoots up and down my body. It’s been two days since JJ picked me up on the side of the road and it’s been forty-eight hours of seeing Ellis’s face contorting in rage. Every time I cough, it reminds me of his fists pounding against my ribs. Every time I cry, the tears sting the open wound on my cheekbone from where he smashed my head against the dresser as I tried to crawl towards the door.

  I open my eyes and Lily is hovering, like she has been since I got back, and I wish could fall back to sleep. Only, Slade said he wouldn’t give me anymore pills after last night. If I can sleep my way through this hell, I will, naturally or with help. I wonder when she came back in after I had Slade throw her lying ass out of my room. Oh god, I can’t even think about Cas right now.

  The smell of tomato soup hits me, and anger rises. It’s the only meal Lily can cook, or heat up, without fucking it up. Actually, I take that back. When I was nine, she burned it to the point, the soup evaporated.

  “Good, you’re awake. You need to eat something.”

  “Get out.”

  I can’t be bothered to be nice to her. I want to be alone and as Lily doesn’t understand the concept of enjoying your own space, she feels the need to fill silence with dribble to fill her emptiness. After her confession, I’m not interested in anything she has to say.

  “What?”

  “You heard me, get out…and take the soup with you.”

  “Harper, please. You need to eat, and Cas has asked to talk to you.”

  Like I give a shit what Cas wants. I’ll speak to him when I’m ready to speak, if I’m ever ready.

  “Get out.”

  My tone can’t reiterate how bad I want her to leave, but she finally listens and huffs as she picks up the tray and walks to the door.

  “Bad things have a habit of following us, I’m sorry this has happened to you, but you are stronger than this.”

  I look at my mother, really look at her, and I wonder why I bother. She’ll always find justifications for the way we’ve lived, for her lies, for everything.

  “It’s you,” I murmur, finally not giving a shit what I say to her or if it hurts her precious, fragile feelings.

  “What’s me?”

  I could laugh at how she’s genuinely confused, but it would hurt and I’m not letting her cause me any more pain.

  “Bad things follow you, and because I’ve always needed to make sure you’re okay, they happen to me.”

  “Don’t forget why we came to this town,” she spits out, turning nasty.

  Oh, I’ll never forget, as much as I try to bury it in the back of my mind, I won’t let her see that.

  “Don’t forget why I did what I did,” I snap back at her.

  I slowly roll over and turn my back to her as I hear the door open and then for the first time in a couple of days, my heart flutters warmly at the sound of JJ’s voice asking after me. He’s still out there?

  “Can I see her now?”

  It’s silent for a beat before she answers him.

  “She’s tired, and not in a good mood.”

  The door closes on their conversation and their voices fade to silence. JJ has to be the most confusing man I’ve ever met, he made me believe he wanted nothing more than sex, and now he’s sitting outside my room, refusing to leave. I struggle to pull myself up and once my back rests against the headboard, the motel room takes over my vision. It’s all I can see, and I can’t breathe. Ellis’s face morphs into Cas’s face and it’s too much.

  My wrists feel shackled and gasping for minuscules of air sets me in a panic. Ellis’s face, his smirk, his fists, the sweat that fell from his forehead as he leant over me, it all comes back to me and makes it worse.

  The pain disappears as he fills my head. Swinging my legs over the edge of the bed, I scramble to the floor as I go for the door. A burst of air fills my lungs as this time I make it to the door and open it to find JJ sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall.

  He’s quick to jump up and I barely register the concern on his face.

  “What’s wrong? What do you need?” he asks rapidly.

  “I…can’t…breathe…he’s all I…see.”

  I feel slightly better getting those few words out and I soak in the warmth when his hands land on my shoulders.

  “Look at me, babe.”

  I listen to his voice. Lifting my eyes, I take in his beard and tussled hair and I want to let my heart melt over the fact he probably hasn’t gone far from me since he picked me up in his arms. I don’t remember much, but I do remember him running towards me.

  I focus on his eyes and it’s hard not to shy away from the anger rimmed iris’s and pity-soaked flecks of gold.

  His eyes have always shined, in some lights they are golden brown, and in other lights, they are greener. I focus on the gold and inhale as he does. I exhale when he does and repeat as many times as he does it. His kindness is surprising, I’m not used to this side of him.

  The ache subsides, and Ellis’s face is replaced with JJ. My breathing evens out again and I realise we’re standing in the middle of my room. I don’t remember walking backwards.

  He surprises me again when he pulls me against him and we stand there as he holds me. I don’t move, he doesn’t move, neither of us say a word. This moment is what I’ve wanted from him for months.

  My eyes grow tired and I feel like I could fall asleep without having help from Slade’s pills. Stepping back, I shiver from the lack of contact with him and he looks lost himself.

  “Will you stay with me till I fall asleep?”

  I don’t know why I asked. He never stays with me to sleep, he never gives me anything I ask for.

  He doesn’t answer me with words, instead, he keeps hold of my hand and backs us up to the bed, he helps me lay down and empties his pockets onto the nightstand, slips off his boots and lays his cut on the armchair.

  Sliding onto the bed beside me, he’s careful not to touch me, but he lays as close as he possibly can.

  He still smells the same as he always does and my heart pangs just how much I’ve
missed having him this close.

  “Even if I have to keep my eyes on you for all days, no one will ever hurt you again.”

  I could cry, but I’m not going to. I knew he could be sweet, but I also know this won’t last long. Once my bruises have faded and the cuts have healed, he’ll move on and be the skirt chasing asshole he was. For tonight, I’m going to use him for my own gain.

  “I can’t fall asleep if you keep making promises we both know you won’t keep.”

  His fingers thread through mine and I keep my mouth shut.

  “Go to sleep, Harps’.”

  I listen to the movie playing on tv and close my eyes. I don’t need to see to know he’s here with me, I can feel him everywhere and I can smell him, he’s keeping Ellis away and I fall asleep.

  I forget the night before for a fraction of time and I forget all the hurt I’ve endured. Until, I stretch out and my body screams out in pain. Breathing through it, I’m distracted by a folded piece of paper on the pillow next to mine.

  ‘I stayed until I knew you were in a deep sleep, if you need my services again, let me know. I’ll be happy to be the sleeping committee. JJ.’

  Despite his promise I still don’t believe him, I smile at his note and tuck it under the pillow that now has his scent all over it.

  I’m feeling the best I have in a long time, and today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m the only one who can make me happy, as long as I take my pills and keep to my routines, I’m not going to let anyone bring me down again. Not JJ, not Cas, and definitely not Lily. Ellis can go fuck himself. I’m not living in fear or hope for anything from anyone, anymore.

  Getting out of bed, showering, and getting dressed in leggings and an oversized jumper to hide all the bruises takes longer than normal, but I feel so much better for being clean. It was worth the effort. I feel like I’m making progress.

  Taking the stairs down to the bar, it’s time to face the music. It’s staggering to see how many people are still here because of the lock down order Cas gave weeks ago. Everyone stares, and I can’t see JJ anywhere. There are so many sets of eyes staring I can’t take it, I turn to go back to my room when Cas calls out my name.

  I freeze.

  “It’s time we talked, come and take a seat.”

  The brothers and the women go back to their conversations, not wanting to look nosy into the president’s business and I walk through the crowds until I reach Cas’s table. It’s awkward between us, I’m thankful Sparky is slouched on the chair to his left and Ricky and Pope are to his right. My uncle isn’t anywhere in sight, I hope he’s keeping Lily away. Zach nods and offers me a small smile from the other side of the bar and the twins look away when I catch them staring. Luca sits with his mom and full out glares at me, while Alannah’s eyes follow my every move. I pull my hair from behind my ear and hide behind the dark strands.

  “How are you feeling?” Cas asks first.

  He can’t meet my eyes, is he nervous?

  “Much better, thanks.”

  “Good. We need you to start talking, darlin’, everything else can wait,” Sparky says, leaning forward to speak to me, cutting straight to the point.

  Cas too, sits forward and for a moment I think he’s going to reach out and hold my hand. He reaches for his smokes and a gush of breath escapes me.

  “You went to town with the prospects after you lied and told them I said you could leave, what happened when you got to town?”

  Conversations are hushed, all wanting to hear what I have to say, and I still can’t see JJ anywhere. Panic starts to rise, and I try to quell it fast.

  “I went into the store and picked up more groceries, when I was done I took the bags back to the truck and put them on the back seat. Tal and Curt weren’t back from the hardware store and I spun around to see if I could make it to the bookstore and back before them, that’s when two men were stood behind me.”

  The book shop is a total lie, but it’s better than telling them I was looking for Ellis.

  “What did they look like?” Sparky asks.

  “I could only see their eyes, they were wearing ski masks. They both had dark eyes, and one was called Lim.”

  “How do you know that? Did they tell you their names, or were they wearing patches like us?” Sparky demands to know.

  “They wore black hoodies and they were plain. They grabbed me and threw me in their van. One drove and one stayed with me in the back. We weren’t driving long and then they took me into a motel room. The driver stayed by the door, he didn’t come near me, it was the other one, he tied me to the headboard and kept…” I pause and inhale deeply, moving my chair closer to Cas so I don’t have to shout to be heard.

  “He kept saying I was pretty and he kept touching my hair, he even sniffed it. It was the driver who told him to leave me alone and called him Lim.”

  Cas flexes his hand into a fist and drops it to his lap under the table when he sees me watching him.

  “What happened next?” he grunts.

  “They left and waited outside, there was a third guy who came in. He wore patches like you.”

  “Did you see what they said? Did you see what rank he was?” This comes from Cas and it’s so awkward.

  “His said, President of the Black Crows.”

  It goes silent for a beat and then Sparky is asking another question.

  “Did he tell you his name?”

  He didn’t have to, I already knew it. However, I lie.

  “No.”

  If I tell them the truth, who knows what they’ll think. The man they want walked straight under their noses on their own territory, because of me.

  “Harper? Is there anything else you can tell us about any of the men who did this to you?” Pope asks.

  His voice is the kindest, but I make no mistake that he’s a kind man. He sits in his wheelchair, not saying much and scaring the hell out of me normally.

  “Can you describe what the president looks like?” Sparky asks. “You didn’t say he was wearing a ski mask.”

  Cas raises his hand and the questions stop flying at me.

  “Carry on from when the third guy walked in.”

  Clenching my fingers into each other, I take a deep breath and carry on. Hopefully once I get it all out, I can move on.

  “He told me I was to deliver a message to you, and it had to be personal and delivered in blood. He’s going to watch you burn after he kills Leo first. He then helped me to my feet and wrapped me in the sheet from the bed and carried me out to the van. I fell in and out of consciousness until they stopped at the turn off for the club and left me to walk the rest of the way.”

  I realise I haven’t given them a description. I jump back in before someone asks again.

  “The president, he, um…stripped out of his cut and tee before he…hurt me. He was covered in tattoos, a huge crow spread across his back. He had short dark hair, slim build, and a lot of tattoos.”

  Vague, but enough to appease Cas for now. He nods and slides a notepad and pen across the table to me.

  “Can you write it down for us, just so we don’t have to keep asking you.”

  I listen to the whispers around me as I write, and Cas is ordering Leo not to leave the clubhouse. He talks to him as a dad not the president of their club. Leo sighs and states he’s already said he wouldn’t. Sparky talks with Pope about the tattoo and Zach squeezes my shoulder as he passes me on his way to the bar.

  When I’m done, I hand Cas the notepad and pull myself up from the chair. No one jumps up to help me and I don’t know if I’m grateful or offended.

  I decide I’m grateful, the less they help me, the less they’ll feel I’ve betrayed them when they do find out who the new president of the Black Crows is.

  I slip into the kitchen and find the table is laden with fresh groceries with a note attached stating my name.

  I instantly recognise JJ’s pointy handwriting and another smile falls across my face.

  “I thought you’d
want your healthy shit when you wanted to eat again.”

  He’s standing in the doorway and I’m struggling not to fall for his kindness. This is new from him and it’s hard not to believe he’s being genuine.

  “You got all this? When?”

  “This morning,” he nods. “The attack and finding out who your dad is has to be messing with you, I wanted you to have some normality.”

  “Why are you being nice to me? You sit outside my room, you’re shopping for me. Why?”

  JJ was a dick, now he’s being nice. Ellis was nice, now he’s someone invading my nightmares. The men in my life are leading double lives and I have no clue what to believe anymore.

  “I can be nice, Harper.”

  “You weren’t nice to me before,” I point out.

  Just like Cas all those years ago, if what she said is true. Perhaps to earn the patch into this club, you have to be a cocky, whoring asshole.

  “Cause I’m a prick and I wanted a good time.”

  At least he’s being honest now. I’ve always been the good time girl, especially to JJ. He could always count on me to open my legs for him whenever he called.

  “How much do I owe you for the food?” I ask, changing the conversation.

  “Nothing.”

  I don’t have the energy to fight with him over groceries. I’ll slip the money under his door later. I don’t need his charity.

  Picking up an apple from the haul, I grab a knife from the rack and a plate from the cupboard. I ignore him as I slice the apple.

  “I’ll give you space for now, but I’m not going anywhere and I’m right here if you need me.”

  “If you keep saying that you’re going to start believing yourself,” I mutter.

  “I’ll keep saying it until you believe me.”

  “And then what?”

  His mouth opens to argue back with me, but he’s mute. Nothing comes out. I snort. “That’s what I thought.”

  I want to believe him so bad, but he makes it so difficult.

  JJ

  PAST

  Guaranteed, Harper is always available when you need her. I send one text and she replies within seconds and it’s always, a yes.