The Space Between Us

  “And we’re making cocoa and popcorn and talking about board games.”

  I loved this gas stove, being able to adjust the heat just so. I bent to eye the flame, but caught sight of her as I straightened. “Yeah? It’s great. Totally relaxing.”

  I needed a night like this, doing nothing. I hadn’t been off on a Sunday in forever. I’d worked the early shift today and come straight home, looking forward to the downtime.

  Meredith didn’t say anything, just watched as I stirred the heating milk. I wanted to make sure it didn’t scald. I used a small wire whisk, which made me think of something.

  “You know, I was thinking about getting Charlie a milk frother for Christmas. What do you think?”

  “Why would Charlie want a milk frother?”

  “For cocoa. And coffee. He likes lattes—”

  “Charlie drinks his coffee black.”

  I looked at her. “Sometimes, sure. But he also likes lattes.”

  “Since when?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Since I started making them for him? But it would be easier with a milk frother. Faster. He could do it for himself in the mornings.”

  “Did he say he wanted a milk frother?”

  I stirred the bubbling milk slowly and eased it off the heat. “No. But I thought he might like one, anyway. Besides,” I offered, “you could use it, too.”

  “I don’t have any interest in making my own lattes.”

  I paused, then looked at her. “Not everyone has the advantage of being able to come in to the coffee shop and have their lattes made for them, you know.”

  Not that she’d been lately.

  “Charlie barely even likes coffee.”

  I turned off the burner and put the pot aside. I faced her. “Well, what are you getting him?”

  “I haven’t decided yet.” She shrugged as if it didn’t matter, though Christmas was only a couple weeks away.

  I grinned. “What are you getting me?”

  Meredith sighed. Shrugged again. “What do you want?”

  “Hey. What’s wrong?” I tried to hug her, but she turned away. “Are you mad about something?”

  “I’m mad because it’s Saturday night and we’re just sitting at home like…like an old married couple!”

  “We are an old married couple,” Charlie said from the doorway. “How’s the cocoa coming?”

  “It’s done. Haven’t made the popcorn yet.” I looked at Meredith. “You want to go out?”

  She stared at both of us. “We haven’t been out together in forever.”

  She’d been out doing home parties three nights the week before. And I’d been at work on the late shift most of those nights, plus some extra. I knew she and Charlie had gone to some holiday party for his work, something I hadn’t attended, of course, and she and I had gone shopping for groceries together. But she was right, the three of us hadn’t gone out for fun in a while.

  “I figured we’d just hang out here at home,” Charlie said.

  I’d been hunting in the cupboard for the popcorn, but now I stopped to glance at them both. “Yeah, what’s wrong with just hanging out? We haven’t done that together in a long time, either.”

  She sighed. “Fine. Whatever.”

  She pushed past Charlie, but he caught her by the arms to stop her. “Meredith, wait. If you want to go out…I guess we could. Right, Tesla? What do you want to do, honey? We already had dinner. I guess we could see what’s playing at the movies.”

  “Never mind.” She didn’t look at either of us. “You two watch a scary movie on Interflix. I’m going upstairs to take a hot bath and read.”

  “We could join you,” Charlie said, his voice trailing off when I shook my head at him.

  Meredith didn’t even answer him, just left the room. Charlie and I stared at each other. He looked confused.

  “Everyone needs some time alone,” I told him. “And she’s in a mood. You should know better by now.”

  “I just wanted—”

  “Charlie.”

  He stopped. I went to him, stood on my toes, kissed his mouth gently. “You can’t fix her. She’s pissy about whatever it is she’s pissy about. Anything you say or do right now is going to make her pissier.”

  He nodded, his hands finding their comfortable resting place on my hips. “Should we go out? She wanted to.”

  I tried to keep myself from making a face, and didn’t quite manage. “Like Mick says, you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.”

  Charlie looked upward at the sound of Meredith’s footsteps overhead. “Well…I wish I knew what she needs.”

  “Me, too, honey,” I said with a sigh, and kissed him again. “Me, too.”

  Chapter 33

  Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.

  We had a tree, of course. It was a fake one, prestrung with lights. I didn’t much like the way it looked, the limbs all perfect. There was no smell. It was pretty yet sort of vacant, not at all like a Christmas tree should be, but I didn’t say so because Meredith obviously preferred it that way. At Vic’s house we always had a real tree, bought when all of us, Cap included, tramped out through the rows and rows at the Christmas tree farm to pick out the very best. We strung popcorn for it every year, eating more than ended up in the garland, but we also had regular ornaments. Every year Elaine bought all of us a new and special ornament, and I missed them. I missed all of them.

  That perfect tree in this perfect house, with Charlie and Meredith the perfect couple…there was only one flawed thing in all of it, and that was me.

  In contrast to Meredith’s recent snappish attitude, she’d spent the past few days in a giddy, bubbly and utterly charming mood. She was the Meredith I’d first met, sexy and spontaneous, and it should’ve been even better, since now, instead of mooning over her with a silly crush, I was actually in a relationship with her. I had not one gorgeous and attentive lover, but two.

  Why, then, did I feel so alone?

  Part of it was the extra hours I’d picked up at the Mocha. Because we were planning to take a trip to Vermont to go skiing during Charlie’s school break, I wanted to get in as many hours as I could. It meant long days and nights away from home that I’d formerly spent with Meredith and Charlie. Now, just like they had before inviting me into their life, they spent those evenings alone, most times even going to bed together before I got home.

  “Where’s your girlfriend?” Carlos asked me from behind his laptop. “Haven’t seen her here in forever.”

  “Oh…” I shrugged. It was funny to hear him call her my girlfriend, even if I knew he was mostly being silly. “She says it’s dumb to pay for the coffee when she gets the coffee girl for free.”

  “Maybe she just heard all the stories she wanted to hear,” Carlos said. “She tapped us dry, moved on.”

  I laughed, though I didn’t understand what he was talking about. “Huh?”

  Carlos pursed his lips. “Our stories. You know how she always came in and got us talking about stories. Maybe when we didn’t have any more, she got tired of us.”

  The whole shop smelled of cinnamon, spice, gingerbread. Holiday smells that suddenly turned my stomach. “I think she’s just been busy.”

  Carlos opened his mouth. Closed it. Shrugged and turned his attention to his computer. I didn’t have time to ask him what he meant, because Sadie came through the door, and I hurried to help him pull out a chair for her. She looked ready to pop.

  “What the heck?” I asked, but gently, seeing the look of strain on her face. “Sadie, wow, should you be out and about?”

  “I’m going crazy at home,” she admitted. “I’m nearly a week overdue. The midwife says she’s not ready to induce me yet, and she encouraged me to be active. She said short walks would be good for me.”

  Sadie managed a smile. “It took me forty-five minutes to heft my bulk over here. I just need some hot cocoa and something sweet, and I’m going to sit here in the corner and read my
book and pray this kid comes soon.”

  I laughed sympathetically. “I’ll pray your water doesn’t break until you get home. You have a midwife?”

  She nodded. “Yep. No home birth, though, that’s too scary for me.”

  “My friend Elaine had a midwife with both her kids. Two home births. She’s having a third the same way. It’s not so bad,” I told her. “Though I’ll admit, it’s not for me. When I have kids, I want the epidural the second I go into labor.”

  Sadie laughed softly. “That’s sounding better and better. Joe says, why do I want to put myself through something I already know is going to be the worst pain of my life? I can’t explain it to him. I guess it’s pride or something. My feminine pride.”

  We both chuckled, and I rubbed her shoulder quickly. “Let me get your cocoa. How about a big fat slice of gingerbread cake with real whipped cream? Fresh this morning.”

  “Yes, yes and another yes. Thank you.” Sadie struggled out of her scarf and coat to lean back against her chair with a sigh. “Hey, Carlos!”

  Leaving them to their greetings, I went back up front. Brandy was working with me today, and as soon as I moved behind the counter, she pounced.

  “That’s Sadie?”

  I pushed past her to make Sadie’s cocoa. “Yeah.”

  “Joe’s wife?”

  I looked at her impatiently. “Yes. Sadie. Why?”

  “No reason. I just wondered what she looked like, that’s all.”

  The phone rang before I could answer her, so I left off the cocoa for the moment to answer, since it was apparent Brandy wasn’t going to reach for it. “Morningstar Mocha.”

  “Tesla, it’s me.” Joy sounded tired.

  I looked at the clock. She was due in to relieve me at two. I was taking off an hour early to do some last-minute shopping. “Hi.”

  “I can’t come in today. You’re going to have to stay.”

  Anger was pointless but unshakable. “What? No. I can’t. I told you, I need to get off early today.”

  “I can’t come in,” Joy repeated. “And we need a manager there. You can’t leave Brandy or Moira alone.”

  I looked over at Brandy, who, wonder of wonders, had finished the cocoa and sliced up some of the gingerbread cake and taken it over to Sadie. “Jesus, Joy. Really? You can’t…I need to…”

  I trailed off, sighing. “What if I called Darek to come in?”

  “What? No! He doesn’t work there anymore!”

  Through his Connex status updates, I happened to know that Darek was working two jobs. One at a deli across town that closed at 1:00 p.m., the other part-time managing a bar at night. He could probably use a few extra hours around the holidays, and though he’d never been a full manager at the Mocha, he knew what he was doing.

  “But he could handle it, Joy. And if you’re not coming in, someone has to. Because I’m out of here at two. I told you that.”

  Silence stretched. I’d turned my back to the shop, keeping my voice down, but now I glanced around to make sure nobody was waiting for service. Nobody was, but Brandy was still talking to Sadie, her body blocking my view of her.

  “Fine,” Joy said in a tight voice. “Fine. Whatever. Call in Darek if you have to. But I’ll remember this.”

  “Of course you will,” I told her in a voice equally tight. “Just like I’ll remember you calling off last-minute after I specifically told you I needed to leave early.”

  Another long silence. Brandy’s hands were gesturing, and I could hear the rise and fall of her voice, punctuated as always by the snap of her gum, but I couldn’t quite make out what she was saying. I heard Joy breathing.

  “I have to go,” I said. “I’m actually working.”

  “Tesla—”

  I paused just before hanging up. “What?”

  “Nothing. Call Darek, that’s fine. And I’ll be in tomorrow.”

  “Fine.” I hung up without another word, just as Brandy came back around the front counter to the tune of the front door jingling.

  She looked entirely too smug. When I glanced out into the shop, Sadie’s still-steaming cocoa and cake were there, but her chair had been pushed back, and she was gone. I looked again at Brandy.

  “What did you do?”

  She seemed startled. “What?”

  I pointed at the front door. “What did you say to her?”

  Brandy donned an expression of such wide-eyed innocence I wanted to smack it off her face. “I didn’t say anything. Well, maybe I just asked her how her husband was doing, that’s all.”

  I strained to see through the front windows, catching a glimpse of Sadie’s red coat. “That’s all, huh?”

  “Hey, she asked how I knew him,” Brandy said defensively. “Was I supposed to lie?”

  More anger burbled up to the surface. “Let me get this straight. You told an enormously pregnant woman you used to fuck her husband?”

  Brandy’s jaw dropped, but guilt sneaked across her face. “I didn’t…I mean, I didn’t say…”

  “Oh, you pustulant bitch.”

  Brandy backed up a couple of steps. “Hey!”

  “You,” I said as I took off my apron and tossed it onto the counter, “are a truly vile piece of trash. You know that? Why would you do it? Never mind. I know why. Because she has a handsome, loving husband and a baby on the way, and you, Brandy, have nothing.”

  “You can’t talk to me like that!” she cried.

  “I just did.” I pushed past her and grabbed my coat. As I passed Carlos, he gave me a thumbs-up I didn’t bother to return. I was out the front door in seconds, moving faster than Sadie could, to catch up to her on the sidewalk. “Hey. Slow down.”

  I took her arm and she looked at me with red-rimmed eyes, though no tears. She swallowed convulsively, her face pale. Her hair had frizzed around her face where it escaped from her knit hat.

  “It’s not like I didn’t know,” she said abruptly. “I mean, I knew about all of it before. But I didn’t think I’d ever meet one of them.”

  I didn’t know what she was talking about, but I nodded sympathetically, anyway. The sidewalks were icy, and I tucked her arm firmly in mine to make sure she didn’t slip. She didn’t protest.

  “Let me walk you home, make sure you get in okay.” I was glad I’d worn my thick-tread boots instead of slippery soles.

  “Thanks.” She coughed out a breath of frosty air. “Oh…Tesla, I’m sorry, I didn’t even pay for my stuff!”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  She drew in a shuddery breath. “I feel so stupid. But I just didn’t want to cry in front of her or anything, and I feel like I cry all the time now at stupid things.”

  “Um…hello,” I said. “Pregnant? Totally allowed. Besides, she was a bitch to even say anything. And honestly, whatever she told you? I’m sure was exaggerated.”

  “Oh…I know that. She made it out like she and Joe were practically engaged.” Sadie’s laugh sounded almost normal. “And I know that’s not true. But still…when you weigh more than your husband and look like you swallowed a whale, and some young, pretty—”

  I scoffed. “Girl, she looks like someone came up and hit her in the face with the ugly shovel.”

  This time her laugh sounded totally normal. “Oh. That’s not nice.”

  “But it’s true. Anyone who takes up shit with a pregnant lady is ugly.” I nodded and steered her around a patch of ice. “Where are we going, by the way?”

  “Just another block. You really don’t have to walk me the whole way.”

  “Sure I do. What kind of friend would I be if I just let you slip and slide your way home?” I shook my head.

  It might’ve taken her a long time to get to the Mocha, but it didn’t take us nearly as long to get back. She tried to get me to come inside, but I declined; Joy would already have my ass if she found out I’d left Brandy there alone. I dropped Sadie at her door and made sure she got inside.

  “I don’t expect to see you again until you have a baby w
ith you,” I told her. “And then you come in with that beautiful kid and your volcanically hot husband, and you don’t let one thing that slitch says upset you. Okay?”

  “Thanks.” Sadie paused in the doorway. “I knew before I married him he’d had a past.”

  “That’s good, isn’t it?” Even with my mittens on, my hands were cold. I rubbed them together, then shoved them in my pockets.

  “I’m not sure if it’s good or bad, it just is. I know I shouldn’t have let her get to me. Thanks for walking me home, Tesla, I appreciate it.” She hesitated again. “You know, if you ever need to talk to someone…”

  I frowned. “About?”

  “Anything. I’ve been slimming down my practice, but that doesn’t mean I’m not available to listen.”

  “Do I…look like I need to talk to someone?”

  Sadie smiled. “Everyone needs to talk to someone sometimes, Tesla. I’m just letting you know I’m here. If you need to.”

  “Okay. Thanks.” I frowned again, uncertain about what had made me seem so much in need of a shoulder to cry on. “You okay now? You good?”

  “Fine. Thanks again.”

  I waited until she’d closed the door before I hopped off her front porch and headed back down the sidewalk. I looked up at the early afternoon sky, turning gray with clouds that promised snow. My cheeks and nose stung from the cold, as did my legs. Today would’ve been a good one to wear jeans. Fortunately, I was able to reach Darek on his cell, so by the time I made it back to the shop I’d arranged for him to come in and cover me.

  The place was empty, something almost unheard of. Brandy looked up with a frown when I came in. She came around the counter to meet me before I was even halfway across the floor.

  “You were right. That was a super shitty thing to do,” she said abruptly.

  Her apology was unexpected and inelegant, and shouldn’t have been made to me, anyway. “Yeah. It was. Sadie’s a regular, Brandy. And pregnant.”

  “I know. I know!” She shook her head. For once she wasn’t smacking away on a piece of gum like it was her cud. “I was stupid. I just felt like… I dunno. You know how shitty it is when you know you didn’t leave an impression on someone who left a really big one on you?”