Mr. Hawkins' Humorous Adventures

  CHAPTER VII.

  Perhaps some of the blame should rest upon the barbaric habit of havingSunday dinner in the middle of the afternoon.

  Had it been evening when Hawkins and his better half sat down todinner with us, it would not, naturally, have been daylight; and muchunpleasantness might have been avoided, for the gas had not yet beenturned on in the modeled Hawkins residence, and an inspection would havebeen impossible.

  Again, I may have started the trouble myself by bringing up the subjectof the renovations.

  "Yes, the work's all done," said Hawkins, with a more genial air than heusually exhibited when that topic was touched. "I tell you, it's a modelhome now."

  "Particularly in containing no new inventions by its owner," added Mrs.Hawkins.

  "Oh, those may come later," said the gifted inventor, casting acomplacent wink in my direction.

  "Not if I have anything to say about it," replied the lady rathertartly. "We escaped with our lives when the house was wrecked, but nexttime----"

  "Madam," flared Hawkins, "if you knew what that house----"

  Just here my wife broke in with a spasmodic remark anent the doings ofthe Russians in Manchuria, and a discussion of the merits of Hawkins'inventions was happily averted.

  But the spunky light didn't die out of Hawkins' eye. He appeared tobe nursing something beside wrath, and when we arose from the table heremarked shortly:

  "Come up to the house, Griggs, and smoke a cigar while we look it over."

  "And note the charm of the inventionless home," supplemented his wife.

  "Inventionless fiddlestick!" snapped Hawkins as he slammed the doorbehind us. "It's a wonder to me that women weren't created either withsense or without tongues."

  I made no comment and we walked in silence to the Hawkins house.

  It had been done over in a style which must have made Hawkins' bankaccount look like an Arabian grain field after a particularly bad locustyear; but beyond noting the general beauty of the decorations, I foundnothing remarkable until we reached the second floor.

  There, as we gazed from the back windows, it struck me that somethingfamiliar had departed, and I asked:

  "What's become of the fire-escape?"

  "Don't you see, eh?" said the inventor, with a prodigiously mysterioussmile.

  "Hardly. Have you made it invisible?"

  "No and yes," chuckled Hawkins. "What would you say, Griggs, to afire-escape that you kept indoors until it was needed?"

  "I should say 'nay, nay,' if any one wanted me to use it."

  "No, I mean--oh, come up-stairs and I'll show it to you at once."

  "Show me what, Hawkins?" I cried, detaining him with a firm hand. "Is itanother contrivance? Has it a motor? Does it use gasolene or gunpowderor dynamite?"

  "No, it does not!" said the inventor gruffly, trudging toward the top ofthe house.

  "There!" he exclaimed when we had reached the upper floor. "That's it.What do you think of it?"

  It was a device of strange appearance. It seemed to be a hugeclothes-basket, such as is used for transportation of the family "wash,"and it was piled with what appeared to be the remains of as many whitesun-umbrellas as could have been collected at half a dozen seasideresorts.

  "What is it?" I said with a blank smile. "Junk?"

  "No, it's not junk. That mass of ribs and white silk which looks likejunk to your unaccustomed eye constitutes a set of aeroplanes or wings."

  "But the other thing is merely the common or domestic variety ofwash-basket, is it not?"

  "Well--er--yes," admitted Hawkins with cold dignity. "That happened tobe the most suitable thing for my purpose in this experimental model.Now, you see, when the wings are spread the basket is suspended beneathjust as the car of a balloon is suspended from a gas-bag, and----"

  "Aha! I see it all now!" I cried. "You fill the basket, point it in theright direction, and it flaps its wings and flies away to the washlady!"

  "That, Griggs," sneered Hawkins, "is about the view a poor little brainlike yours, permeated with cheap humor, would take. Really, I don'tsuppose you could guess the purpose or the name of that thing if youtried a week."

  "Candidly, I don't think I could. What is it?"

  "It's the Hawkins Anti-Fire-Fly!" said the inventor.

  "The Hawkins--what?" I ejaculated.

  "The Anti-Fire-Fly!" repeated Hawkins enthusiastically. "Say, Griggs,how that will sound in an advertisement: 'Fly Away From Fire With TheAnti-Fire-Fly!' Great, isn't it?"

  "So it's a fire escape?"

  "Certainly," chuckled Hawkins, digging around among the ribs andbringing into tangible shape what looked like several sets of hugebird-wings. "No more climbing down red-hot ladders through belchingflames! No more children being thrown from fifth story windows! No,siree! All we have to do now is to place the Anti-Fire-Fly on thewindow-sill, spread the wings, jump into the basket, push her off,and----"

  "And drop to instant death!"

  "And float gently away from the fire and down to the earth!" concludedHawkins, opening the window and shoving out the basket until it fairlyhung over the back yard. "Just watch me."

  "See here!" I cried. "You're not going to get into that thing?"

  "I'm not, eh? You watch me!"

  Hawkins had clambered into the basket before I could lay a hand on him.

  "Now!" he cried, giving a push with his foot.

  My breathing apparatus seemed to go on strike. Hawkins, basket, wings,and all dropped from the window.

  For an instant they went straight toward the earth; then, like aparachute opening, the wings spread gracefully, the descent slackened,and Hawkins floated down, down, down--until he landed in the center ofthe yard without a jar.

  Really, I was amazed. It seemed to be either a special dispensation ofProvidence or an invention of Hawkins' which really worked.

  A minute or two later he had labored back to my side, up the stairs,with the aerial fire-escape on his back.

  "There!" he exclaimed. "What do you think of that?"

  "It certainly seems to be a success."

  "Well, rather! Now come up to the roof and have a drop with me. We'll gointo the street this time, and----"

  "Thank you, Hawkins," I said, positively. "Don't count me in on that.I'll wait for the fire before dabbling with your Anti-Fire-Fly."

  "Oh, well, come with me, anyway. I'm going down once more. You've noidea of the sensation."

  It was a considerable feat of engineering to persuade the Anti-Fire-Flyinto passing through the scuttle, but Hawkins finally accomplished it,and pushed the contrivance to the edge of the roof.

  "Now that thing will carry a small family with ease and safety," he saidproudly. "Just sit down in the basket and feel the roominess. Oh, don'tbe afraid. I'll come, too."

  "Yes, it's very nice," I said somewhat nervously, after crouching besidehim for a moment. "I think I'll get out now."

  "All ri--oh! Here! Wait!" cried Hawkins, grabbing my coat and pulling meback. "Sit down!"

  "What for?"

  "The--the--the wings!" stuttered the inventor. "The--the wind!"

  "Great Scott!" I shouted as a sudden breeze caught the wings and tiltedthe basket far to one side. "Let me out!"

  "No, no!" shrieked Hawkins wildly. "You'll break your neck, man! We'reright on the edge of the roof now, and----"

  And we were over the edge!

  There was the street--miles below! Sickening dread choked me. I closedmy eyes and gripped the basket as the accursed thing swayed from side toside and threatened every instant to precipitate us on the hard stones.

  But it grew steadier presently. I looked about.

  There was Hawkins hanging on for dear life, and white as death, butstill serene. There, also, were numerous graveled roofs--some twentyfeet below.

  We were going up! Also, I was startled to note that the high wind wasdriving us down-town at a rapid pace.

  "See here, Hawkins!" I said. "What does this mean?"

  "M-m-means that a bi
g wind has caught us," replied the inventor with asickly smile.

  "And when do you suppose it's going to let go of us?"

  "Well--we--we may be able to catch one of those high roofs over there,"murmured Hawkins with assurance that did not reassure. "You--you know wecan't go up very far, Griggs. This thing was not built for flying."

  "For anything that wasn't made for the purpose, it's doing wonders," Iretorted. Then a sudden puff sent us up fully ten feet. "Heavens! Theregoes our chance at those roofs!"

  "Dear me! So it does!" muttered the inventor as we sailed gracefullyover the chimney-tops. "How unfortunate!"

  "It'll be a lot more unfortunate when we pitch down into the street!" Isnarled.

  "Now, Griggs," said Hawkins argumentatively as we sped down-town on thesteadily rising wind, "why do you always take this pessimistic view ofthings? Can't you see--is it beyond your little mental scope to realizethat we have fairly fallen over a great discovery, something that menhave been seeking for ages? Don't you comprehend, from the very fact ofour being up here and still rising that these wings accidentally embodythe vital principles of the dirigible----"

  "Oh, dry up!" I growled as we flitted swiftly past a church steeple.

  Hawkins regarded me sadly, and I sadly regarded the street below andtried to assimilate the fact that we were two hundred feet abovethe ground and rising at every puff of wind; that we were in a crazyclothes-basket, suspended from a crazier pair of wings, absolutely atthe mercy of the breeze and likely at any moment to drop to eternalsmash!

  I did realize, without any effort, that my lower limbs were developingexcruciating shooting pains from the cramped position.

  The time passed very slowly. The houses below passed with astoundingrapidity.

  I thought of our wives, sitting calmly in my home, ignorant of ourplight. I wondered what their sentiments would be when some kindlyambulance surgeon had brought home such fragments of Hawkins and me asmight have been collected with a dust-pan and brush.

  I wondered whether the accursed Anti-Fire-Fly would dump us out andflutter away into eternity, to leave our fate unexplained, or whether itwould accompany us to our doom and be found gloating over the respectivegrease-spots that would represent all that was mortal of Hawkins andmyself.

  And at about this point in my meditations, I noted that we were sailingover Union Square.

  "Isn't it fine?" cried Hawkins enthusiastically. "You never camedown-town like this before, Griggs."

  "I never expect to again, Hawkins," I sighed.

  "Why not? Why, Griggs, this thing is only the nucleus of my futureairship, and yet see how it floats! Oh, I've thought it all out in thelast five minutes. It's astonishing that it never occurred to me before.Now, these wings, you see, are so constructed----"

  "See here, Hawkins," I said, "do you mean to say that you expect to getout of this thing alive?"

  "Certainly," replied the inventor in astonishment. "There's no danger. Ican see that now, although I was a trifle startled at first. It's onlya matter of minutes when we shall go near enough to one of those bigoffice buildings to grab it and stop ourselves."

  "And clamber down the side--twenty or thirty stories?"

  "And even if we can't land, we shan't fall. The construction of thesewings is such----"

  "Oh, hang the construction of your wings!" I cried. "We're going righttoward the bay--suppose the wind dies down and lets us into the water?"

  "Well, these wings are water-proof, you know," said Hawkins. "Theymight----"

  "Yes, and the bay might dry up, so that we could walk back if we escapedbeing broken in pieces, Hawkins," I sneered.

  Hawkins subsided. The breeze did not.

  It was one of the most impolitely persistent breezes I have everencountered. It seemed bent on landing us in New York harbor, and beforemany minutes we were suspended high above that expansive, and in somecircumstances, charming body of water.

  "_Before many minutes we were suspended high above thatexpansive, and in some circumstances charming, body of water_."]

  Furthermore, having wafted us something like a quarter of a mile fromshore, it proceeded to die out in a manner which was, to say the least,disheartening.

  Hawkins grew paler by perceptible shades as we progressed, ever nearerthe water and farther from hope; and it was not until I opened my mouthto vent a few last invidious criticisms of him and his methods that theinventor's face brightened.

  "By Jove, Griggs! Look! That ferry-boat! That fellow on the roof! He'sgot a boat-hook! Hey! Hey! Hey! you!"

  The individual gazed aloft and nearly collapsed with astonishment.

  "Catch us!" bawled the inventor frantically. "Catch the basket with thathook! We want to come aboard! Hurry up!"

  The boat was going in our direction and rather faster. The man on theroof seemed to comprehend. He reached up with his hook. He leaped acouple of times in vain.

  And then we felt a shock which told of our capture! I breathed a long,happy sigh.

  In dealing with Hawkins' inventions, long, happy sighs are prematureunless you are positive that your entire anatomical structure iscomplete, and likewise certain that the contrivance lies at your feet ina condition of total wreck.

  The basket was suspended from a thin, steel frame, from which severaldozen stout cords rose to that idiotic pair of wings. When we werefairly caught, Hawkins cried:

  "Now, Griggs, stand up and catch the frame and pull the whole businessdown with us. And you, down there, pull hard! Pull hard, now!"

  I seized the steel frame on one side, Hawkins on the other, and wepulled. And the man with the boat-hook pulled. And at the psychologicalmoment the wind rose afresh and pulled at the wings with a mighty pull!

  Some seconds of dizzy swirling in the air, and the clothes-basketportion of the Anti-Fire-Fly lay on the roof of the ferry-boat, whileHawkins and I hung far above, entangled in the cords and clutching themwildly and rising steadily once more!

  "Great Caesar's ghost!" gurgled the inventor. "This is awful!"

  "Awful!" I gasped when breath had returned. "It's--it's----"

  "Lord! Lord! We're going straight for Staten Island. Don't move,Griggs."

  "I can't," I said. "I'm caught tight here. Good-by, Hawkins."

  "We're--we're not done for yet," quavered that individual. "We may hitland. But isn't--isn't it terrible?"

  "Oh, no," I groaned. "It's all right. No more climbing down red-hotladders through belching flames! No more throwing children from----"

  "Don't joke, Griggs," wailed Hawkins. "I will say I'm sorry I got youinto this."

  "Thank you, Hawkins," I said, nearly strangled by a cord which persistedin twisting itself about my neck. "So am I."

  Conversation lagged after that. For my part, I was too dazed and toofirmly enmeshed in the cords to say much.

  I fancy that the same applied to Hawkins, but he happened to be facingahead, and now and then he called back bulletins of our progress.

  "Getting nearer the island," he announced after some ten minutes of theagony.

  A little later: "Thank Heaven! We're almost over land!"

  And still later, when I had been choked and twisted almost intoinsensibility by the eccentric dives of the affair and the consequenttightening of the cords, he revived me with:

  "By George, Griggs, we're sinking toward land!"

  I managed to look downward. Hawkins had told the truth. The wind wasindeed going down, and with it the remains of the Anti-Fire-Fly.

  Beneath appeared a big factory, its chimney belching forth black smokein disregard of the Sabbath, and we seemed likely to land within itsprecincts.

  "I knew it! I knew it!" Hawkins cried joyfully. "We're safe, after all,just as I said. We'll drop just outside the fence."

  "Thank the Lord," I murmured.

  "No! No! We'll drop right on that heap of dirt!" predicted Hawkinsexcitedly. "Yes, sir, that's where we'll drop. D'ye see that fellowwheeling a wheelbarrow toward the pile? Hey!"

  The man glanced up in
amazement.

  "Farther down every minute!" pursued Hawkins. "I knew we'd be all right!Maybe the Anti-Fire-Fly isn't such a bad thing after all, eh?"

  "Maybe not," I sighed. "But I'll take the red-hot ladder."

  "Go ahead and take it," chattered the inventor. "We're not thirty feetfrom the ground and steering straight for that dirt-pile. Yes, sir, thewind's gone down completely. Hooray!"

  "Hey, youse!" shouted the man with the wheelbarrow, somewhat excitedly.

  "Well?" bawled Hawkins.

  "Steer away from it!" continued the workman, waving his arms at thepile.

  "We can't steer," replied Hawkins cheerfully. "But it's all right."

  "The poile! The poile! Sure, we've just drew the foire, an' thim's thehot coals! Be careful o' the cinder poile!"

  "What did he say?" asked Hawkins superciliously.

  "'Be careful of the cinder pile,' I think."

  "Oh, we won't hurt your old cinder pile!" called the inventor jocosely,as the wreck of the Anti-Fire-Fly swooped down with a rush.

  "But the cinders!" howled the man. "Bedad! They're into it! Mike! Mike!Bring the hose! The hose!"

  And we _were_ into it.

  A final rush of air and we struck the pile with a thud. And for my part,I had no sooner landed than I bounced to my feet with a shriek, forthat cinder pile was about the hottest proposition it has ever been mymisfortune to meet.

  The cords were all about me, and as I pulled wildly in one direction, Icould feel Hawkins pulling as wildly in the opposite.

  "Let go! Let go, Griggs!" he screamed. "Come my way! Lord! I'm allafire! Come, quick!"

  "I'm not going to climb back over that infernal heap!" I shouted. "Youcome this way!"

  "But my feet! They're burning, and----"

  A mighty stream of water knocked me headlong to the ground. Sizzling,steaming on the red-hot cinders, it caught Hawkins and hurled hispanting person to the other side, Anti-Fire-Fly and all. Mike hadarrived with the hose.

  After a period of wallowing in water and mud I regained my feet.

  Hawkins was already standing a little distance away, torn, scorched,drenched, black with cinders and staring wild-eyed about him.

  "Why--why--Griggs," he mumbled, "what--did--we----"

  "Oh, we flew away from fire with the Anti-Fire-Fly!" I said.

  Such was the end of the Anti-Fire-Fly.

  Attired in such of our own raiment as had survived the cinder pile andthe hose, and in other bits of clothing contributed by kindly factoryworkmen, we took the next boat for New York, and a cab thereafter.

  We reached home in time to see the ladies mounting the Hawkins' steps,presumably to investigate the reason for our prolonged inspection.

  For a few moments they seemed quite incapable of speech. Mrs. Hawkinswas the first to regain the use of her tongue.

  "Herbert," she said in an ominously calm tone, "what was it this time?"

  Hawkins smiled foolishly.

  "It was the Hawkins Anti-Fire-Fly," I said spitefully. "Fly awayfrom fire with the Anti-Fire-Fly, you know. Tell your wife about it,Hawkins."

  Then Mrs. Hawkins addressed her husband and said--but let that pass.

  We have all the essential facts of the case as it is. Moreover, asuccessful author told me last week that unhappy endings are in theworst possible taste just now.