Mr. Hawkins' Humorous Adventures

  CHAPTER VIII.

  Hawkins and his wife had been just one month in their new house.

  My memory on that point is particularly clear, for the ExecutiveCommittee of the Ladies' Missionary Society met at Hawkins' home thevery day they moved in officially; and it had been hanging over me, moreor less, that the next assembly of that body was to be held at my ownresidence.

  Not that I am in any way unsympathetic as to church work and benightedsavages and such matters; but when half a dozen women get together anddiscuss a few heathen and a great many hats and similar things, thesolitary man in the house is apt to feel----

  At any rate, when I saw Mrs. Hawkins enter my door that evening, thefirst of the Executive Committee to arrive, I experienced a sinkingsensation for the moment. Then I secured my hat, mumbled a few excuses,and disappeared, to see how Hawkins was spending the evening.

  The inventor himself answered my ring.

  "Ah, Griggs," he remarked. "Committee talk you out of the house?"

  "Something of the sort," I admitted.

  "Glad you came in. There's something I want to--but hang up your hat."

  "Hawkins," I said, closing the door, "why do you pay a large overfedEnglish gentleman to stand around the premises if it's necessary for youto answer the bell? I'm not much on style, you know, but----"

  "William? Oh, it's his night out," laughed Hawkins. "I believe the cookand the girls have gone, too, for that matter."

  "Then we're altogether alone?"

  "Yes," said the inventor comfortably, pushing forward one of the biglibrary chairs for my accommodation, "all alone in the house."

  "And it's a mighty nice house," I mused, gazing into the next apartment,the dining-room. "That's a splendid room, Hawkins."

  "Isn't it?" smiled Hawkins, drawing back the heavy curtains ratherproudly. "Most of the little wrinkles are my own ideas, too."

  "That sideboard?" I asked, indicating a frail-looking but artistic bitof furniture built into the wall.

  "That, too--combination of sideboard and silver-safe."

  "Safe!" I laughed. "You don't keep the silver in there?"

  "Why not?"

  "My dear man, any one could pry that door off with a pen-knife."

  "Admitted. But supposing your 'any one' to be a burglar, he'd have toget to the door before he could pry it off, would he not, Griggs?"

  "Burglars do not, as a rule, find great difficulty in entering theaverage house," I suggested.

  "Aha! That's just it--the average house!" cried the inventor. "Thisisn't the average house, Griggs. The burglar who tries to get into thisparticular house is distinctly up against it!"

  "Indeed?"

  "Yes, sir! The crook that attempts a nocturnal entrance here has mysincere and heartfelt sympathy."

  "Hawkins' Patent Automatic Burglar Alarm?" I suggested.

  "What the deuce are you sneering at?" snapped the inventor. "No, there'sno patent burglar alarm in this house."

  "Hawkins' Steel Dynamite-Proof Shutters?"

  Hawkins ignored the remark and busied himself lighting a cigar.

  "Hawkins' Triple-Expansion Spring-Gun?" I hazarded once more.

  "Oh, drop it! Drop it!" cried Hawkins. "Positively, Griggs, your effortsat humor disgust one. In some ways, you are as bad as a woman. Go backand sit with the Executive Committee."

  "What's the connection?"

  "Why, the thing I expected to show you in a few minutes is the very sameone which my wife fought against for two weeks, before she let me putit into operation peacefully!" Hawkins burst out. "There's where theconnection comes in between your degenerate little wits and those of thegenerality of women."

  "If it was an invention, I don't blame your wife one little bit,Hawkins," I said. "I can see just how she must have felt about----"

  "There's the evening paper, if you want to read," spat forth theinventor, poking the sheet across the library table.

  Therewith he turned his back squarely upon me and settled down to abook.

  It wasn't polite of Hawkins.

  Indeed, after a short space the situation waxed distinctlyuncomfortable; and although I am pretty well accustomed to theinventor's moods, I must admit that in another five minutes I shouldhave cleared out had it not been for a rather unexpected happening.

  Hawkins was sitting near the window--in fact, his chair brushed thehangings. As I sat gazing pensively at the back of his neck, a suddenbreeze swayed the curtains above him.

  There was an undue amount of swishing overhead, it seemed to me.Something near the top of the window, and concealed by the hangings,rattled distinctly; simultaneously a gong struck sharply somewhereup-stairs.

  Hawkins whirled about, a most remarkable expression on his lately sullencountenance. As nearly as I could analyze it, it was a mixture of joy,excitement, and trembling expectancy.

  "One!" he exclaimed.

  The bell struck again.

  "Two!" cried Hawkins. "By Jove! That's----"

  Crash!

  Out of the curtains something dropped heavily on the inventor!

  For an instant it held the appearance of a grain sack, but therewas something distinctly solid about it, too, for it dealt Hawkins aresounding whack upon his cranium before it rolled to the floor.

  "Phew!" he gasped, sinking back into his chair caressing the bump withan unsteady hand. "That--that did startle me, Griggs!"

  "I shouldn't wonder," I smiled. "What on earth did you have concealed upthere?"

  "Aha! You'd never guess," remarked Hawkins, his ill-humor departed.

  "No, I don't believe I should," I mused, staring at the pile of canvason the floor. "Did the painters leave it?"

  "They did not," replied Hawkins coldly. "That, Griggs, is the HawkinsCrook-Trap!"

  "Hawkins--Crook-Trap!" I repeated.

  "That's what I said," pursued the gentleman. "Possibly--now--it maynot be past your understanding to grasp why I feel so secure about thatflimsy little silver-safe."

  "I think I see. The burglar, presumably, comes in at the window, isknocked senseless by your trap, and next morning you find and capturehim as you go down to breakfast?"

  "Nothing of the sort. Look here." Hawkins picked up the affair.

  As he grasped the end, the thing hung downward and showed itself to bea long canvas bag, fully large enough to contain the upper half ofthe average man. It was distended, too, by ribs, and appeared to be ofconsiderable weight.

  "There she is--just a bag, telescoped and hung on a frame above thewindow. The burglar steps in, the bag is released, drops over him, thesecircular steel ribs contract and clutch his arms like a vise--and thereyou are! How's that for an idea, Griggs?"

  "Looks good," I assented.

  "Moreover, the same spring which releases the ribs breaks a bottle ofchloroform," continued the inventor enthusiastically. "It runs into ahood, is pressed against the burglar's nose, and two minutes later theman is stark and stiff on the floor!

  "Meanwhile the annunciator bell tells me what window has been opened.I ring up the police--and it's all over with the man who tried to breakin."

  "It sounds all right," I admitted. "Why didn't it do all that just now?"

  "Just now? Oh--you mean--just now?" stammered the inventor. "Well, itdid do practically all of that, didn't it? The window wasn't opened,anyway--it was the breeze that knocked down the thing. Furthermore, theones on this floor aren't adjusted yet--I only got them from the fellowwho made them to-day.

  "But up-stairs they're all fixed--chloroform and all, ready for theburglar. I tell you, Griggs, when this crook-trap of mine is on everywindow in New York City, there'll be a sensation in criminal circles!"

  "Very likely. How much does it cost?"

  "Um--well--er--well it cost me about--er--one hundred dollars a window,Griggs, but----"

  "About twenty windows to the average house," I murmured. "Two thousanddollars for----"

  "Well, it won't cost a tenth of that when I'm having the parts turnedout in quantities," cried H
awkins, with considerable heat. "Why underthe sun do you always try to throw a wet blanket over everything?Suppose it does cost two thousand dollars to equip a house with mycrook-trap? If a man has ten thousand dollars' worth of silverware,he'll be willing enough to spend----"

  I laughed. It wasn't meant for a nasty laugh at all--it was simplyamusement at the inventor's emotionalism. But it riled Hawkins.

  "Where the devil does the joke come in?" he thundered. "If I----"

  "Hush!" I cried.

  "I won't hush! I----"

  "Two!" I counted. "Be quiet."

  Hawkins calmed down on the instant.

  "Was--was it the bell?" he whispered.

  Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

  The gong up-stairs had chimed six times and stopped.

  I stared at Hawkins, and Hawkins at me, and the inventor's countenancewent white.

  Far above, the evening calm was disturbed by a stamping and threshingnoise, punctuated now and then by a muffled shout.

  "There!" cried the inventor. There was a wealth of satisfaction in thatone word.

  "Well, somebody's caught," I said.

  "You bet he is!" replied Hawkins, with a nervous chuckle. "Sixbells--that's the top story back--one of the servants' rooms. Somebodymust have thought the house deserted and come in from the roof."

  Bang! Bang! Bang! The intruder wasn't submitting to the caresses of thecrook-trap without a struggle. Also, from the volume and vigor ofthe racket, it was painfully clear that the intruder was a robustindividual.

  "Well?" said Hawkins, still staring at me with a rigid smile.

  "Well?"

  "Well, we've got to go up there and capture him," announced theinventor, gathering himself for the task. "Come on."

  "Not just yet, thank you. We'll let the chloroform get in its workfirst."

  "But don't you want to see the thing in actual operation?"

  "Hawkins, if any one could have less curiosity about anything than Ihave about seeing your crook-trap in operation----"

  "All right, stay down here if you like. I'm going up."

  "Suppose your burglar gets loose?" I argued. "Suppose he has a big,wicked revolver, and learns that you're responsible for the way he'sbeen handled?"

  Hawkins walked resolutely and silently toward the stairs. As for me,curiosity as to his fate bested my judgment. I followed.

  As we neared the top of the house, the thumping and hammering grewlouder and more vicious; and when we finally stood outside the door, thedin was actually deafening.

  "That's--that's either William's room or the cook's," said Hawkins, witha slight quaver in his tones. "He's going it, isn't he?"

  "He certainly is. Let's stay here, Hawkins."

  "No, sir. I'm going in to watch it. He's not loose, that's sure."

  Hawkins opened the door very gently.

  Inside, the room was dark--not pitch dark, but that semi-gloom of a cityroom whose only light comes from an arc lamp half a block away.

  The air was heavy and sickening with the fumes of chloroform. Theyfairly sent my head a-reeling, but their effect upon the burglar seemedto have been nil.

  Over by the window a huge form was hurling itself to and fro, from wallto wall and back again, in the frantic endeavor to gain freedom. The bagenveloped his head and shoulders, but a mighty pair of arms within thebag were straining and tearing at the fabric, and a couple of long,muscular legs kicked madly at everything within reach.

  Every few seconds, too, a puffed oath added spice to the excitement, asthe captive wrenched and strained.

  On the whole, the scene was a bit too gruesome to be humorous. As a ruleI can see the funny side of Hawkins' doings; but the fun departedfrom this particular mess at the thought of what would happen when thecolossus finally emerged from the bag and commenced operations uponHawkins and myself--neither of us athletes.

  "He's caught, isn't he, Griggs?" stuttered Hawkins, clutching my arm.

  "For the moment," I replied. "But come--let's get an officer. If thatcanvas gives----"

  "Gives!" sneered the inventor. "Why that canvas----"

  "Gawd! If I gets yer!" screamed the man in the bag.

  "Oh, great Caesar!" gulped Hawkins. "It's--it's getting horrible, isn'tit?"

  "Aha! I heard yer then, ye cur!" roared the captive.

  Hawkins' hand on my arm shook violently.

  "We--we'll have to do something with him," he whispered. "What shall itbe? We've got to subdue him, somehow or other."

  "Why not let the chloroform work while we go out and get a couple ofpolicemen?"

  "Well, you see, it doesn't seem to be working, Griggs. Don't know why,but--phew! Did you hear that rip?"

  I had heard it. I had also seen the silhouette of a long arm appearagainst the dim light of the window.

  "Oh, Lord!" gasped Hawkins. "It's given somewhere! We'll have to squelchhim now inside of ten seconds or--what the deuce shall I do, Griggs?"

  "Take a chair and stun him," I replied. "That's all I can suggest. Andpersonally I don't care for the job."

  "Well--somebody's got to do something," groaned the inventor, seizingone of the bedroom chairs. "If ever he gets loose--say, where are yougoing, Griggs?"

  "Just into the hall," I said. "I'm going to light the gas and watch thebattle from a safe distance."

  Hawkins clutched his chair and stared at me like a man in a nightmare.His expression reminded me of the day when, as a boy on the farm, I tookthe hatchet and started out to kill my first chicken. I felt just asHawkins looked that evening in the dark doorway of the bedroom.

  "D'ye suppose it'll kill him?" he choked. "Griggs, do you think----"

  A long rip resounded from the darkness. A triumphant shout followed.

  Hawkins turned swiftly, raised his chair, and darted toward the man inthe bag.

  There was a crash, a shout, a dull blow, and a heavy fall--and just thenI managed to light the gas.

  Literally, I caught my breath and rubbed my eyes. For a few secondsthe scene dumfounded me past action; but shortly I hurried into theapartment and struck another light.

  Hawkins was stretched upon the floor groaning. His entire face seemed tohave suffered violent impact with some unyielding body, and both handscovered his nose, from which the life-blood flowed freely.

  And across the room, sitting against the wall, his large persondecorated by sundry steel hoops and shreds of canvas, sat--William, theHawkins' butler, staring dazedly into space!

  Between them lay the chair.

  "Oh, Griggs, Griggs, Griggs!" moaned the inventor. "Come quick! Get mywife! I'm done for this time! He's finished me!"

  "Hawkins!" I cried, shaking him. "Did he----"

  "Never mind him--let him escape," replied Hawkins, faintly. "Just get mywife before I go. Good-by, old friend, good-by."

  "Mr.--'Awkins!" gasped the butler, his senses returning.

  "What!" shrilled the inventor, sitting bolt upright, black eyes, swelledface, and all completely forgotten. "Is that you, William?"

  "Yes, sir," stammered the man. "Was--was it you I hit, sir?"

  "Was it!" yelled Hawkins, struggling to his feet. "Look at this face!What the deuce did you mean by it?"

  "Beg--beg pardon, sir, but did you--did you sorter strike me with achair, sir?"

  "I--well, yes, William, I did."

  "Well, I, not knowing of course as it was you, sir, I sorter hit back.But have you got the thief, sir?"

  "The what?"

  "Indeed, yes, sir. There's one in the house. I was attacked here--rightin this here very room. See here, sir, this bag! Just as I opened thewindow, he kem behind me, sir, threw it over my head, and tried tochloroform me, sir--you can smell it, sir."

  "Yes. All right," said Hawkins, briefly, with what must have seemed tothe man a strange lack of interest.

  "You see, sir, whoever the rascal was, he must 'a' known as I intendedgoing out this evening, sir, and that the house would be empty like. Soin he sneaks from the roof, bag and all, and waits. And when I kem u
pthe stairs, instead of going out, sir----"

  "All right. That'll do. I understand," muttered Hawkins. "No one threwa bag over you. It was a new--er--sort of burglar alarm--just had it putup to-day."

  "Burglar alarm!" cried the butler, staring at the remnants from which hewas slowly extricating himself.

  "Yes!" snapped Hawkins. "And don't stand there mumbling over it,William!"

  "Yes, sir."

  "Here," said the inventor, "is a--er--twenty-dollar note. You willimmediately forget everything that has happened within the last halfhour."

  "Yes, sir," responded the butler, with a wide smile.

  Hawkins led the way down-stairs. In the bathroom he paused to lave hismuch abused features; and by the time he had finished, my own featureshad had a chance to regain something like composure.

  Once more in the library, which we had deserted some twenty minutesbefore, Hawkins threw himself rather limply into a chair.

  "Well, well, well!" he muttered. "Now, who under the sun could haveforeseen that?"

  I forebore remarks.

  "William ought to be in the prize-ring," continued the inventor sadly."But he's a bright chap. He'll keep his mouth shut. Lucky--er--nobodyelse was in the house, wasn't it?"

  "How are you going to account to Mrs. Hawkins for those black eyes?"

  "Oh--we can say that we were boxing and you hit me. That's easy."

  "She'll believe that, too, Hawkins," I said, gazing at the batteredcountenance. "You look more as if you'd had a collision with an expresstrain."

  "Oh, she'll believe it, all right," said the inventor cheerily. "Foronce--just for once, Griggs--something has happened which my better halfwon't be on to. You'll see I'm right. There isn't a clue."

  "Well, perhaps," I sighed.

  "And now let's have some of that old Scotch. I feel a little weak."

  We loitered into the next apartment--the dining-room. We turnedour footsteps toward the sideboard. We stopped--both of us--as iftransformed to stone.

  The door was off the silver-safe. The drawers lay about the floor.And the little safe itself was as empty as the day it left thecabinet-maker!

  "D-d-d'you see it, too?" cried Hawkins in a scared, husky voice.

  "Yes," I replied, stooping to look into the safe. "It must have been asneak-thief, Hawkins. Every vestige of your beautiful service is gone!"

  The inventor glared long at the wreck.

  "And now that's got to be explained," he muttered at last, continuinghis journey to the sideboard. "How can I get around it?"

  He poured out a generous dose of the Scotch, imbibed it at a swallow,and shuffled drearily back to the library, where he dropped once moreinto a chair and stared through fast-swelling eyes at the glazed tilefire-place.

  And I? Well, just then I heard Mrs. Hawkins' step on the vestibuleflooring without; she had returned for the minutes of the last meeting.

  The bell rang. I walked quickly upstairs to call up the police andnotify them. It wasn't my place to answer that bell, with William in thehouse.