Earth to Hell: Journey to Wudang Bk 1

  ‘They can’t do this to her,’ Simone said. ‘It’s not fair.’

  ‘The Celestial does as he wills,’ Kwan Yin said. ‘It is traditional.’

  ‘But it isn’t her True Form,’ Bai Hu hissed. ‘They’re doing this deliberately to shame her.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ I said, and they all looked at me. ‘He’s going to make me go in as a snake, isn’t he?’

  Ms Kwan’s voice was full of compassion. ‘Everybody takes True Form in front of the Jade Emperor. Nobody hides anything. But you were born human, Emma. I have already discussed this with the Celestial, and he agreed to see you as a human. He has just, in this last hour, changed his mind.’

  I sighed with feeling. ‘This could cost me everything. I hope he protects me when everybody goes after my head.’

  ‘You have to take Celestial Form too, Simone,’ Bai Hu said.

  Simone’s face closed up tight.

  ‘You have a Celestial Form?’ I said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you could do it?’

  ‘How the hell does he know about that?’ Simone said.

  ‘The Celestial knows all, Simone,’ Kwan Yin said. ‘It appears that Mr Li’s time was wasted.’

  ‘Why’d you keep it a secret, Simone?’ I said.

  ‘When you see it you’ll know.’

  ‘Is it that bad?’

  She didn’t reply. Her face was still closed up tight.

  ‘Well, whatever,’ Bai Hu said. ‘Drop your stuff and we’ll go on. Mr Wong says we have ten minutes to prepare, to change into the forms, and he’ll take us up to the main chamber.’

  ‘I’m still wearing my armour and carrying the sword,’ I said. ‘I’ll change when I’m there.’

  ‘That is unusual but permissible,’ Kwan Yin said.

  ‘Is Mr Wong the Jade Emperor, Bai Hu?’ I asked. ‘“Wong” means “King” in Cantonese.’

  ‘Of course he is. Isn’t it obvious?’

  The Murasame’s scabbard had a strap that telescoped out from the top and clipped to the bottom so that I could carry it over my shoulder with it resting diagonally across my back. I hefted it on and returned to the living room.

  Kwan Yin and Bai Hu were waiting there in True Form. Kwan Yin’s white robes flowed around her, and a glowing aura surrounded her serene face. She stood more than two metres tall. Bai Hu’s tiger form was about four metres long.

  Simone hadn’t taken Celestial Form; she wore the robes Mr Li had made for her, the same as I did. She saw my face. ‘I’ll do it when I’m there, same as you.’

  ‘Is it reptilian?’ I asked.

  ‘No, the problem is entirely in the other direction.’

  Mr Wong returned and we all saluted him again. While he was acting as this minor official, we were expected to treat him as such. Everybody had to pretend that we didn’t know he was the Jade Emperor, and he pretended that he didn’t know we knew. The duplicity made my head ache.

  He led us back into the main part of the hall, then towards the centre of the Palace. We entered a courtyard with a single huge tree in its centre.

  ‘Grand Audience Hall, Main Entrance,’ Mr Wong said, and disappeared.

  Bai Hu stepped forward. ‘I’ll go first.’ He repeated the words and disappeared.

  ‘JK Rowling did something like this in Harry Potter,’ I said.

  ‘Well, she can sue the Jade Emperor,’ Simone said, recited the words and disappeared.

  CHAPTER 6

  The Grand Audience Hall was massive, about a hundred metres to a side and a good fifty metres high. Enormous doors glided open before us. A set of stairs led up to them separated down the middle by a sloping ramp of marble carved with dragons. Whenever the Jade Emperor went up he floated over the marble; everybody else had to take the stairs.

  Mr Wong had vanished.

  ‘Gone off to turn into the Jade Emperor and embarrass the hell out of us,’ Simone growled. ‘I hate that he’s doing this to you, Emma.’

  ‘How about we change once we’re in his presence?’ I said.

  ‘That is not acceptable, Emma,’ Kwan Yin said.

  Simone and I shared a small smile.

  ‘Good. Which stairs are we supposed to use?’

  ‘The left ones.’

  Simone and I shared another small smile and headed straight for the stairs on the right. The Tiger growled something unintelligible and loped after us. Kwan Yin just floated up the stairs.

  A couple of guards appeared on either side of the huge door. Each of them wore a Tang-style red robe and carried a massive halberd, a spear with a broadsword blade on the end. Their True Forms were nearly three metres tall, and the red robes flowed around them. They had goatees, and glared fiercely at us. The one on the left’s face was black; the one on the right, red.

  ‘General Qin. General Wei,’ I said. I raised one hand. ‘Hi, guys, long time no see. How’s the family, Ah Bao?’

  ‘Hi, Emma,’ said the left-hand door god, Qin Shu Bao. ‘Everybody’s good. My Number Five Son has just been engaged to one of the Dragon King’s daughters, gorgeous purple dragon.’ He tapped the bottom of his halberd on the grey stone paving. ‘What business have you here?’

  ‘We’re here to see the Jade Emperor, mate,’ I said. ‘Let us in.’

  ‘That is not the correct formal address, Emma, and you know it,’ the Tiger said.

  ‘Too bad.’ I turned to General Qin. ‘Open up.’

  ‘In you go, pet,’ General Qin said. ‘Don’t start too quickly—we want to come in and see the fireworks.’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry,’ Simone said. ‘There’ll be plenty to see, I can assure you.’

  ‘I have been looking forward to this for a very long time,’ the other door god, General Wei, said. ‘Don’t tell the Jade Emperor to go to Hell, it’s already been done.’

  ‘Don’t worry, we’ll think of something suitably outrageous,’ I said.

  ‘Excellent,’ General Qin said.

  The Tiger stopped next to Simone and looked up at her; he was so big he didn’t need to lift his head far. ‘You sure you want to do this?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ Simone said, and we stepped through the doors into the hall.

  Massive red pillars intricately carved with phoenixes and dragons held up the roof, which towered above us. A smaller roof was set above some clerestory windows that allowed the brilliant Celestial sunshine to light up the interior of the hall. The throne at the end, with its gold silk cushions, must have been nearly ten metres wide, raised on a dais three metres above the floor.

  The way to the throne was marked by a gold carpet on the grey stone, with ornamental lanterns on either side at intervals of about two metres. A large number of Celestials had gathered on either side of the aisle, all watching us.

  Well then, let’s give them a show, Simone said.

  General Qin came in behind us to announce our presence. ‘Holy Bodhisattva Kwan Yin. Lord Bai Hu, White Tiger of the West. Princess Simone, only human daughter of the Dark Lord of the Northern Heavens. Lady Emma Donahoe, Promised of the Dark Lord, Regent in His Absence.’ He added silently, Go get ‘em, girls.

  ‘Don’t encourage them,’ Bai Hu whispered, a throaty rasp.

  Simone and I walked towards the throne, the ranks of silent Celestials watching us from either side. Bai Hu and Kwan Yin followed us, also silent. We both tried to appear as casual and confident as possible, but Simone’s breathing was as ragged as my own.

  Large gold screens carved with five-toed dragons stood behind the throne, and a General guarded it on one side, but I could hardly see the Jade Emperor himself, it was such a long walk.

  As we approached, he came into focus. Yep, our friendly lowly official, Mr Wong. Now he was resplendently decked out in a Tang-style wraparound robe of brilliantly gold Imperial silk embroidered with five-toed dragons, and wore an Imperial hat with a square brim and beads that hung in front of his eyes so nobody could see them.

  The guard at the Jade Emperor’s right hand was the Second Heavenly General, Er Lang. He
was in True Form: a massive three-metre-high young human wearing pale green and gold armour and a war helmet. He had three eyes; his third eye was open and appeared as a lashless eye in the centre of his forehead. He held a halberd as big as those of the door gods. A black dog stood at his side, watching with disdain as we approached.

  We fell to our knees at the base of the dais and touched our foreheads to the floor. ‘Wen sui, wen sui, wen wen sui,’ we said. I nearly grimaced; imagine wishing an Immortal ten thousand times ten thousand years of life.

  We waited for the Jade Emperor to tell us to rise. He didn’t.

  We waited with our foreheads on the floor, not looking at him, but still he didn’t say a word. All I needed: a power game.

  ‘Rise,’ the Jade Emperor finally said after an uncomfortable couple of minutes, and both Simone and I pulled ourselves to our feet.

  ‘You are ordered to take True Form in the presence of the Jade Emperor,’ Er Lang said loudly.

  Neither Simone nor I said anything or moved.

  ‘Take True Form!’ Er Lang shouted.

  ‘These are our True Forms,’ I said.

  ‘Simone—’ Bai Hu began.

  ‘Shut up, Bai Hu,’ Simone said.

  There was the very faintest rustle of movement through the hall. Nobody said a word, but they were restless and their slight movements made the silk of their robes hiss.

  The Jade Emperor’s face didn’t shift from its expressionless mask. ‘Lady Emma Donahoe.’

  I saluted him, bowing slightly. ‘Celestial Majesty.’

  ‘You claim that the form I see here is your True Form?’

  ‘That I do, Celestial Majesty.’

  ‘Princess Simone,’ the Emperor said.

  Simone saluted. ‘Celestial Majesty.’

  ‘You too?’

  She bowed slightly and saluted again. ‘Celestial Majesty.’

  The silk rustle in the hall became slightly louder, then faded again.

  ‘Er Lang,’ the Jade Emperor said.

  ‘Lady Emma Donahoe is ordered to take True Form,’ Er Lang said without looking at me.

  ‘As the Celestial Majesty wishes,’ I said, and didn’t change. I just stood quietly at the base of the dais.

  ‘This is not your True Form!’ Er Lang shouted.

  ‘This is the way I was born. This is the way I wish to be perceived. This is the true me,’ I said. ‘This is my True Form. Any other form I could take would not be me.’

  The rustling became louder and a series of hushed whispers rippled through the hall then quickly settled to silence.

  ‘Er Lang,’ the Jade Emperor said again.

  ‘Princess Simone, daughter of Xuan Tian Shang Di, is ordered to take Celestial Form,’ Er Lang said.

  Simone hesitated.

  ‘Do it, dear,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘You have a Celestial Form. You have been ordered. Do it.’

  Simone made a short, clipped whimpering sound and changed. She gathered all of the darkness in the hall and wrapped it around her, completely hiding herself from view. The darkness grew and became more massive. A spreading, seeping cold emanated from her and the air around her filled with ice. The darkness exploded out from her in a silent eruption and dissipated. Her Celestial Form became visible.

  The voices in the hall erupted to a roar, then quickly faded.

  Her livery was deep blue, almost black, and shining gold. She was nearly four metres tall, and her golden-brown hair swept around her, so long it lay on the floor. Much of it floated in a breeze that wasn’t there. Her skin shone translucent in the light; a delicate honey brown. Her enormous golden eyes glowed with wisdom far beyond her years. She appeared to be about twenty-five years old. Her deep blue robes flowed around her, decorated with a thousand tiny pinpoints of golden light, like stars. She was breathtakingly beautiful, more like a force of nature than a young woman.

  ‘Can you call Seven Stars, Simone?’ the Jade Emperor said.

  Simone held out one slim arm and the sword appeared in her hand. The scabbard was black, the hilt was white, and the sword was nearly two metres long. It fitted her perfectly. She lowered her hand and held the sword in front of her. She truly appeared as a goddess with the sword in her hand and an expression of detached ferocity on her face.

  ‘Good,’ the Jade Emperor said. He rose from the throne and stood before us on the dais with his hands clasped behind his back. ‘What is it you have come to see me about?’

  I bowed slightly. ‘Leo Alexander, Retainer of the Dark Lord, is held in Hell at your pleasure,’ I said. ‘We would like your permission, Celestial Majesty, to go and talk to him about accepting Immortality and returning to us.’

  ‘Why should he do this for you when so many of my staff have been unable to convince him?’

  ‘Because he loves us,’ Simone said in a voice of sharpened honey.

  He smiled slightly. ‘Anything else?’

  ‘I request the freedom of the Golden Boy, child of the Jade Building Block, and the Jade Girl, eighty-second daughter of the Dragon King.’

  Simone glanced at me.

  ‘And that’s all?’ the Emperor said.

  ‘Yep,’ I said. ‘Uh, yes, Celestial Majesty.’

  ‘Return to your normal form, Simone.’

  Simone changed back and we shared a small sigh of relief.

  ‘Meet me in the Imperial Private Offices in one hour, together with your sponsors. Concluded. Dismissed.’ He returned to the throne.

  We fell to our knees again. ‘Wen sui, wen sui, wen wen sui.’

  ‘Supplicants are permitted to depart,’ Er Lang said.

  We backed away for about ten metres, then turned and walked out of the hall with every eye in the place boring into our backs. I could tell from the way Simone walked that she wanted to run out of there as much as I did.

  ‘What in Heaven possessed you two to do something like that?’ the Tiger shouted. He paced in front of us with his hands clasped behind his back.

  Ms Kwan had also returned to human form. She sat at the dining table, as serene as ever. She waved one hand and summoned a pot of tea. ‘Sit. Drink tea. All will be well, Ah Bai.’

  The Tiger stopped and glared at her. ‘Don’t encourage them.’ He turned his attention back to me. ‘What if you’d been ordered to take demon form? What would you have done then?’

  ‘Refused again.’

  The Tiger paced once more. ‘I’m glad you weren’t ordered to then. Defying an order from the Celestial once is bad enough; twice would have got you executed. And you.’ He rounded on Simone. ‘You should have refused. Or at least taken something less impressive. God, Simone, what a stupid thing to do.’

  ‘That is less impressive,’ Simone said. ‘That’s the smallest one I can do. In the full version, I’m more than three metres tall, as big as Daddy’s biggest Celestial Form. The robes appear like space; the gold stars really are stars. My eyes are even bigger and freaking black. And the yin hangs around my hair like some sort of freaking cloak, freezing the air wherever I go. It’s huge.’

  ‘Shit.’ The Tiger began pacing again. ‘You sure your mother was human? Every Immortal in Heaven is going to be after your hand, my girl. If I saw you like that, and I didn’t love your father like a brother, I’d be after you in a second myself.’ He shook his head. ‘What a fucking disaster.’

  Mr Wong tapped on the door and came in. He smiled like a kindly grandfather and we all glowered at him.

  ‘Well done, ladies. But you should have taken the full version, Simone. Maybe later, eh? Come on up and have some nice tea with me, and we’ll talk about it.’

  Bai Hu stood threateningly over Mr Wong. ‘Don’t you dare let anybody grab this little girl, Ah Ting. She’s just a child.’

  ‘Calm down, Ah Bai, don’t get your whiskers in a twist. I’ll protect them, don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.’ He glanced at me, his eyes sparkling. ‘Come on up to my apartment and we’ll have a little chat.’

  ‘It’s about time someone rem
inded that bunch of stiffarsed old farts exactly what it means to pursue the Tao,’ the Jade Emperor said amiably. He poured the tea and we all tapped the table in thanks. ‘See? You show respect in exactly the right amount required, at the time it is required, and not more. And when the order is a stupid one, you make your feelings clear. The most senior Celestials are aware of your serpent form, Emma. They were fully expecting you to take it, even though you made it clear that you regard your human form as your True Form.’ He sighed with feeling. ‘So many blindly follow orders purely to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Lazy. Now.’ He picked up his teacup, brushing his long sleeve out of the way. ‘Leo Alexander. Stupid bastard. Entirely much more trouble than he is worth. I know why you did it, Lady, but he has still been a massive thorn in my side for many years.’

  Kwan Yin nodded silently.

  He sipped his tea. ‘You certainly have my permission to try your best to pull Leo out. Go for it. If you can persuade him out of Hell, I’d be very happy indeed.’

  ‘I wasn’t expecting this to be so easy after all the bureaucracy we’ve had to go through,’ I said.

  The Emperor smiled slightly. ‘We thought we would be able to fix this without the intervention of a mortal such as yourself. It makes us look very, very bad to have to call you in on this. The Celestial should be able to handle this type of thing.’

  ‘Leo’s very stubborn when he wants to be,’ I said.

  The Emperor raised his teacup to me. ‘That he is. And thoroughly Worthy. I am looking forward to seeing him take his place here among the Immortals.’

  ‘He’s black and gay, Ah Ting,’ Bai Hu said.

  We all stared at Bai Hu with astonishment, even the Jade Emperor.

  ‘I’m just saying,’ Bai Hu said with a shrug. ‘He’d be the first.’

  I turned back to the Jade Emperor. ‘He’d be the first gay Immortal? Is it allowed? I know the tradition…’

  ‘Humankind is very fond of rules,’ the Jade Emperor said. ‘Very fond of putting things into little boxes and sticking labels on them. Yang is masculine; yin is feminine. Therefore all males must be yang and be attracted to females. Despite the fact that the universe is obviously not built that way, humans insist on creating their little boxes and pushing things into them even when it’s quite plain that they don’t fit.’ He poured more tea. ‘The nature of the Tao is the true nature of all. If a man is attracted to other men and that is his nature, then how can he pursue the Tao without pursuing that nature? Ridiculous.’