Shift

  The tree in our backyard creaked back and forth as the wind blew in from the bay. Nuts and leaves pinged like rain against the roof. I sat up. Maybe I should go after all. Why not? Sneaking out to a gig with Miranda would definitely be one way of proving I could face my past. I wasn’t stupid enough to think I’d actually get into the Rainbow. But maybe I’d catch a glimpse of Dallas through a window. That wasn’t completely impossible, was it?

  I got up and crept out into the hallway, heart thumping. The house was quiet. I moved down to Mum’s room and peeped in. The bedside light was still on but Mum’s eyes were closed, an open book rising and falling on her chest.

  At the front door I hesitated. This was pretty crazy. But the reasons to go kept appearing in my head. I’d be back in an hour – probably sooner. Mum wouldn’t even know I’d gone. And this might be my only chance to see my music idol, the one guy in the whole world that I knew instinctively would understand me.

  I grabbed some money, pulled on my sneakers. There was no time to change – and anyway, if I went back to my room I might lose my nerve. It wasn’t until I was already on my bike, riding towards the Rainbow, that I realised I’d forgotten to take my meds. Oh well. I could take them when I got home.

  The wind belted behind me, pushing my bike along at top speed. I barely had to pedal. The streets were deserted and it wasn’t until I rounded the corner into the esplanade that I saw any signs of life. And there, shimmering with light up ahead, was the Rainbow Hotel.

  I slowed down, weaving between the people standing around on the road out the front, smoking and chatting. Standing in the Rainbow’s doorway was the bouncer – a boulder of a guy, his jaws working a piece of gum. I chained my bike to a pole and took a few deep breaths.

  Don’t worry. Miranda probably won’t even show up, I told myself. But when I turned again there she was, standing near the chalkboard listing the upcoming events.

  She smiled and came over to me straight away. ‘Hey! You made it!’

  I was surprised by how warm she sounded. Like she was genuinely pleased to see me.

  ‘Now, here’s what we need to do,’ she said, and there was an air of excitement in her voice that made my insides leap. I suddenly felt like this might actually work. Or it might not, but it’d be fun trying. ‘Don’t make eye contact with anyone, but don’t look down either. Just look straight ahead and walk. Not too fast but not too slow either. Got that?’

  My mind turned to Ami again. She wouldn’t have wanted me to do this, especially with Miranda. But Ami doesn’t exist, I reminded myself. And anyway, I had to prove that I wasn’t afraid. I nodded. ‘Sure.’

  Miranda tucked a tendril of hair back into the loose bun she was wearing. It made her look older, that hairstyle. ‘The main thing is that you act like you’ve got every right to be here,’ she said. ‘That’s what they pick up on.’ Miranda had obviously done this before. She walked briskly towards the Rainbow’s entrance. ‘Come on. Let’s do it.’

  I trailed along behind her, legs wobbling, my confidence leaking away. Nobody would ever believe that I – a girl with no make-up on and wearing scruffy trainers – was an adult. I already felt the bouncer’s eyes graze against me and I gritted my teeth, waiting for the inevitable, Try again in a couple of years, sweetheart.

  But the bouncer didn’t speak, even when Miranda and I were right there in front of him. When I braved a peek at him, he had this dazed look on his face – as if he was in a play and had forgotten not only his lines but how he even got on the stage. He silently swung open the door for us and I held my breath as I walked in. I kept waiting for a hand to reach out and a voice to say, Not so fast, young lady. But there was no hand, nothing holding me back and then there I was – in the Rainbow. In the same building where Dallas, at that very moment, was preparing to come on stage.

  I started laughing in a slightly manic way. ‘I can’t believe we got in.’

  ‘I don’t know why you’re so surprised,’ said Miranda, laughing too. ‘I promised, didn’t I?’

  If I’d ever thought about what Miranda might look like standing in a dump like the Rainbow, I would’ve pictured her looking completely out of place and awkward. But she didn’t look like that at all. She seemed comfortable and relaxed – like she belonged there. I remembered an early rumour from before she’d arrived that she had once dated the lead guitarist from The Heads. Looking at her then, I could see how that might be possible. My jeans suddenly felt dirtier and more worn-out than before.

  ‘Come on,’ said Miranda. ‘Let’s squeeze to the front.’

  She reached out a hand towards me and instinctively I recoiled from it. Miranda’s hand fell back heavily to her side. It was hard to read the expression on her face in the dim lighting, but her tone made it clear she was upset.

  ‘I know you don’t like me,’ she said. ‘I – I know you blame me for Katie’s death. But I wish you could understand what it’s been like for me. I wish you’d let me explain.’

  ‘Go ahead,’ I said, folding my arms. This would be interesting.

  Miranda was quiet for a moment. ‘I haven’t exactly had the best role models in my life,’ she said eventually. ‘I’ve moved around a lot and I had to figure out how to fit in wherever I ended up. I made some stupid friendships because of that. Ones that didn’t really suit me.’

  Miranda stopped and turned her head for a moment. When she looked back I saw tears in her eyes. ‘But despite what you think, I loved Katie. I still love her. I thought you might understand that, because you did once too.’

  I felt a lump in my throat. Not because of what Miranda was saying, which was probably rubbish, but because Katie being gone really only sank in right then.

  ‘You probably don’t want to talk about it,’ continued Miranda, ‘but I guess she was kind of my Ami. We got each other, you know?’ I was shocked to see the tears were streaming down her face but she didn’t seem to care. ‘A lot of crap things have happened to me. I’ve lost people. Important people. I don’t know if you know what that’s like.’

  ‘I do, actually,’ I said, with a little flicker of anger. Ami for one. I lost Ami because of you.

  ‘Your dad,’ said Miranda softly. ‘He left, didn’t he? Sometimes parents can’t handle it when their kids have issues, can they? That must be hard to deal with. The guilt of pulling your family apart, I mean.’

  It was a shock – hearing her say my private, inner thoughts out loud like that. Instead of my anger increasing, it was extinguished and all I could do was nod, near tears but determined to keep it together. Because how could I cry about my dad in front of someone whose parents were both dead?

  ‘It’s been pretty tough,’ I managed to say.

  ‘I’d offer to hug you,’ said Miranda awkwardly. ‘But I get the feeling that wouldn’t go down so well.’

  I laughed then. Kind of snottily. But at least I wasn’t crying.

  ‘I’m so glad,’ said Miranda. ‘You know – that you came here tonight. Even though you think I’m a … what’s that word you use? Wonk. You came even though you think I’m a wonk.’

  ‘I don’t think you’re a wonk,’ I said, and without realising it, I’d put my hand on her arm.

  Instantly Miranda put her hand on top of mine. ‘Tell me about them,’ she said suddenly. ‘The band.’

  ‘What do you want to know?’

  ‘Everything you know.’

  ‘Ah … that could take a while.’

  ‘OK then,’ said Miranda. ‘Give me five words or less for each of them.’

  That seemed do-able. ‘OK, let’s start with the bass player – Vincent. Über-talented musician. Painfully shy.’

  ‘Got it,’ said Miranda. ‘What about the drummer?’

  ‘Pearl,’ I replied, starting to enjoy myself. It had been so long since I’d had a conversation with someone just for fun. ‘Dodgy rhythm. Unique style.’

  Miranda raised an eyebrow. ‘And what about the singer? What do you think about him?’

  ‘Dall
as,’ I sighed, ‘is lush, lush, lush.’

  ‘You’re blushing,’ Miranda said, smiling slyly. ‘Even your ears.’

  ‘Yeah, he has that effect.’

  The stage lights bloomed into orange and the crowd began hooting and whistling. Luxe was coming out.

  ‘Have you ever imagined this moment?’ said Miranda, close to my ear. ‘What it would be like when you saw Dallas for the first time?’

  ‘Oh, just once or twice.’

  ‘Right then,’ said Miranda. ‘You need to meet Dallas. After the gig.’

  ‘Sure!’ I chuckled. ‘You set it up for me, OK?’

  I’ve always been the sort of person who leaves the best thing to last. The tastiest thing on my plate. The biggest Christmas present. My dad teased me for ages about the time I’d saved my caramel-filled Easter egg for six months. By the time I unwrapped it the chocolate had turned white.

  So when the music finally started, I stared at everyone else but Dallas. First I examined Pearl, with her thick straight fringe and her deep-red lipstick. Then I concentrated on Vincent for a while, long and gangly and curled like a comma over his guitar. He had the super-pale skin of someone who spent way too much time inside. Exactly the sort of guy I’d be matched up with if I were doing some stupido magazine quiz. But the quiz would be wrong.

  Next I looked out at the crowd, surprised at how many people were there. Clearly I wasn’t the only one in Jubilee Park who’d heard of Luxe after all. There were some Pearl wannabes, mimicking her urban cowgirl look. Then there were the bass-player dudes, there to see Vincent. He was young but he already had a big following online. Pity he seemed like the sort of guy who’d hate that. The bass-player dudes stood on their own, their heads nodding to the bass rhythm, their fingers marking out guitar chords against their legs. And finally there were the girls who were obviously there to see Dallas. Without even looking at the stage I could tell exactly where he was by watching the movement of their faces.

  They’re like a bunch of puppies, I thought in disgust, watching a chop being waved around.

  It was only when the second song started that I forced my eyes over to Dallas. My whole body was buzzing. I’d listened to this person sing every single day for about six months. His songs had been my morning caffeine shot and my evening sleeping tablet. How would I feel when I actually laid eyes on him in the flesh? My head might explode. I braced myself for the wave of emotion that I knew would sweep me up and carry me away, and allowed myself to look at him.

  Nothing. Nothing at all.

  I nearly fell over backwards. I felt like I’d tried to lift something that looked very heavy, but had turned out to be weightless. Dallas was just as beautiful in person as in the photos I’d seen. More so, even. And his voice still made me shiver. But my crush had totally vanished.

  Miranda nudged me, her eyes sparkling. ‘Isn’t he amazing?’

  I nodded, but didn’t reply. I found myself looking around for something to focus on. Something that would give me a chance to regain my balance. And then I spotted someone familiar in the crowd. Someone tall with dark, tousled hair, wearing a hoodie that had been patched at both elbows. Someone with a beautiful broad back. It was a back I knew well because, up until recently, I’d spent a lot of time sitting behind it at school.

  My mind began spinning. He knows you’re a Luxe fan. He came here hoping you’d turn up. I clenched my hands with irritation. Olive, you wonk. Stop it! There was no way Lachlan would still be interested in me.

  Except. Except maybe he didn’t know about Ami, about the clinic, about the whole shapeshifter scheiss. Maybe Miranda had been telling the truth when she said she hadn’t told anyone. I’d made that mistake with Katie, hadn’t I? I’d been too stubborn to believe that sometimes people are better than you give them credit for.

  My mind kept playing this annoying game of ping-pong for the rest of the set, driving me crazy and completely distracting me from the music. During the break I positioned myself with my back to the wall so at least Lachlan couldn’t appear behind me. But during the second set I lost sight of where he was and my agitation built until I could hardly stand it. More than once I looked over at the door, wondering if I could sneak out before Lachlan saw me. But the room was too full by then and anyway, I couldn’t just leave Miranda without explaining what was up.

  When the crowd called for an encore I actually groaned – something I never, ever thought I’d do at a Luxe gig. When the lights finally went up I was a nervous wreck. ‘I’ve got to get going,’ I said hastily to Miranda. ‘Thanks for getting me in.’

  ‘You can’t go!’ protested Miranda. ‘Not yet.’

  ‘It’s late,’ I said. ‘There’s school tomorrow.’

  ‘There’s school tomorrow,’ Miranda repeated, her voice a higher, whinier version of mine. Then she smiled. Took hold of my arm. ‘You can’t go. I won’t let you. You’re going to meet Dallas, remember?’

  ‘That was just a joke.’ My eyes were darting around the room. The crowd had begun to thin but I couldn’t see Lachlan anywhere. Maybe he’s gone, I thought hopefully.

  ‘No, it wasn’t,’ said Miranda, tightening her grip. ‘Come on. It’s time to meet the guy of your dreams.’

  ‘No,’ I said, pulling my arm free. ‘I’m not going to hang around the door like some loser groupie.’

  Miranda gave me a disdainful look. ‘Who said anything about hanging around the door? He’ll come out and find us.’

  I snorted. ‘Somehow, I don’t think that’s going to happen.’

  ‘Let’s just wait and see,’ said Miranda. She marched over to the battered couch near the back of the venue and plonked herself down. Feeling silly – and dangerously exposed – standing there on my own, I went and sat beside her. Miranda nodded approvingly. ‘For a minute there I thought you might be gutless.’

  It was only a couple of minutes later that the door beside the stage opened and Dallas sauntered out, followed by Pearl and Vincent. All the girls in the room – the same ones who’d been busily pretending they weren’t waiting for this moment – simultaneously tousled their hair and it looked like a breeze blowing through a field of wheat. Dallas didn’t seem to notice. His eyes were sweeping the room.

  ‘He’s looking for you,’ whispered Miranda. ‘Quick. Start talking to me. He’ll come over in a minute.’

  But five minutes later, when Dallas hadn’t appeared, Miranda glanced around and saw something that made her face screw up. ‘Why would Dallas want to waste time talking to him?’ she muttered.

  I turned to see Dallas across the other side of the room, deep in conversation. With Lachlan. They were laughing.

  Miranda stood up, smoothed her clothes. ‘Let’s walk past them. Dallas will blow him off once he sees us. It’s you he wants to talk to, not that moron.’

  ‘I’m not going over there,’ I said, feeling a little leap of panic. ‘It’d look so … pathetic.’

  Miranda gave me a pitying look. ‘No,’ she said. ‘It’s only pathetic when ugly people do it. Come on.’

  I suppose I could have told her about my revelation – that I no longer felt about Dallas the way I had before the gig. But I didn’t. Maybe because I knew how stupid it would sound. How fickle and girly. But that wasn’t the only reason. I’d decided – without even realising I’d decided – that I should keep my feelings for Lachlan to myself. And if I wasn’t prepared to tell Miranda about it, then I had no choice but to do what she said.

  So when Miranda strode off confidently towards Dallas, I followed along behind.

  I was expecting Miranda to slow down as we came close to Dallas. But she didn’t. Instead she just said great gig – barely even looking at him – and continued walking. Dallas was mid-sentence but he stopped when he heard her voice and looked around. Lachlan glanced around too and caught my eye. He didn’t seem surprised to see me. But he didn’t look exactly pleased either. It was a guarded kind of expression.

  There was nothing guarded about Dallas though. His face brok
e into a huge grin and it was clear Miranda had been right. Dallas had been waiting for us. Well, for Miranda.

  His finger tickled the air. ‘Hey. Don’t walk away. Come and talk to us.’

  Miranda paused. ‘Do we have time?’ she asked me, like there was something way more important we should be doing.

  ‘I guess,’ I mumbled, feeling stupid. As we joined them, I could feel hate beams emanating from every other female in the room.

  ‘I saw you in the audience,’ said Dallas to Miranda. ‘You liked the gig?’

  ‘It was lush,’ she replied, playing with an escaped frond of hair.

  Pearl was standing nearby with Vincent. She snorted. ‘It’s the same after every show,’ she said loudly. ‘Some hair-twirling girl comes scampering over to flutter her fake eyelashes at Dallas.’ She looked us up and down. ‘How old are you two anyway?’

  Humiliation dripped from every pore of my body.

  ‘We’re old enough to know when someone can’t hold a rhythm,’ Miranda flung back.

  Vincent snickered, very quietly. Pearl seemed to grow – her annoyance making her both taller and broader. ‘What would you know about rhythm? What would you know about anything?’

  ‘I know one of your shirt buttons just fell off,’ said Miranda. ‘And that your eyeliner is crooked.’

  This time Dallas laughed, and even I choked down a snicker.

  Pearl’s jaw clenched. ‘These girls are under-age,’ she said through gritted teeth. ‘I want them chucked out.’

  ‘Calm down, Pearl,’ said Dallas. ‘If you do that Vincent might also get turfed. And my brother.’ He reached out and put a hand on Lachlan’s shoulder. I stared at the hand and then at Lachlan’s face. His eyes darted away, looking uncomfortable.

  Pearl slammed down her glass and stalked off. ‘I’m packing up my kit,’ she called over her shoulder. ‘The rest of you can keep playing at the crèche if you want. But if you want a lift, I’m leaving in twenty, sharp.’