Thoughtful

  Cheers broke out, as well as laughter. I didn’t care about either response from the bar, because I was finally beginning to accept the fact that the Kiera in front of me wasn’t a mirage, hallucination, or figment of my imagination. She really was here.

  The crowd around Kiera started to thin out, but I stayed where I was on the stage. I felt safe up there. Jumping down to Kiera’s level…could kill me. Why is she here?

  Kiera stepped forward, momentarily breaking her hold on me. Now that I was able to move, I looked away from her, out over the thinning crowds. I could turn around and leave the bar right now. But…what was she doing here? And why now, after all this time? I was just starting to…well, I wasn’t sure if I was feeling any better, but at least I wasn’t getting any worse. If I went down there and talked to her…what would happen to me? What would happen if I didn’t though? Nothing. Nothing would happen, and we would both continue on, and I would never really heal, never really let go. I’d just continue…getting by.

  My decision made, I looked down, sniffed in a quick breath, then lowered myself to the floor. I had to at least know why she was here. Leaving without knowing would tear me apart.

  I stepped as close to her as I dared. Our fingers touched and I inhaled a sharp breath; the fire was still there. Being near her was still as electrifying as it had always been. She had tears in her eyes and tears down her cheeks. Unable to resist, I reached up and stroked a bead of moisture away with my knuckle. Her skin was just as soft as I remembered.

  Kiera closed her eyes and a sob escaped her. With her puffy, tired eyes, unruly hair, and worn expression, it was clear that she’d been battling the same depression as me; she was a wreck too. It gave me a small amount of comfort that she was. I wasn’t the only one having a hard time with this. How much of her sadness was for me though, and how much was for Denny? After all, she’d picked him in the end, and he’d left her too.

  Cupping her cheek, I stepped into her until our bodies were touching. I hadn’t meant to, but somehow, my body shifted into autopilot around Kiera; being as close as possible was a subconscious action. Her hand came up to rest upon my chest, and I wondered if she could feel my pounding heart. I have missed you so much.

  The dispersing crowd had started re-forming once I’d dropped down into the mix. Kiera was jostled by a couple of the more eager girls, and I put an arm around her. Thinking we needed to be somewhere a little more private, I started leading her away. One of the drunker fans rushed right up to me and grabbed my face like she was going to plant a big one on me. I didn’t let my fans molest me anymore, so, leaning back, I removed her hands from my skin. Then I shoved her away from me. I generally was a bit more polite when I disengaged from aggressive fans, but I was in the middle of something potentially life-changing here, and I wasn’t in the mood to be subtle.

  Kiera looked up at me with shock clear on her face. I’d never done anything like that around her before. I did that for you, because I still love you, and honestly, I still want to be with you.

  Kiera’s hand snaked out. For a second, I thought she was going to hit me, but her fingers closed around the wrist of the woman I’d just pushed. Kiera had just saved me from being smacked. That was new.

  The fan’s face went from shocked to embarrassed, and she scuttled off without a comment. I laughed as I met eyes with Kiera. “No one gets to smack me but you?” I asked, feeling lighter than I had in a long time.

  “Damn straight,” she said, smiling and blushing at the same time. I had to shake my head at her. She was still so damn adorable. Her expression changed as she watched me, and in a serious voice, she asked, “Can we go somewhere without so many…admirers?”

  My good feelings hardened some as I grabbed her hand. Things weren’t back to normal here. It was still awkward and awful. There were still too many unanswered questions. I pulled her into the hallway leading to the restrooms. For a minute, I considered pulling her into the back room, but…I couldn’t. The memories were too thick in there. And besides, I didn’t want to be completely alone with her. I didn’t want to cave in to lust because she was next to me. I needed to be level-headed right now.

  Kiera looked relieved when I stopped us well before the back room. Closing her eyes, she leaned against the wall. I guess she didn’t want to be alone with me either. Were her reasons the same as mine? Or was she just not interested in me like that anymore? No. I was positive that a part of her still wanted me. But a part of her wasn’t enough anymore. I wanted it all.

  A flash of light around her neck caught my attention. When I recognized the guitar pendant I’d unceremoniously dumped into a box for her to find, my heart almost stopped. I hadn’t even been sure she would keep it, much less wear it. The silver necklace seemed to glow against her skin. The diamond in the center shimmered in the lights. It was stunning on her, and with shaking fingers, I reached out to touch it. The metal was cool, but her skin beneath it was so warm…“You’re wearing it. I didn’t think you would.”

  She opened her eyes and stared up into mine. God, she has beautiful eyes. “Of course, Kellan.” She put her hand over mine; it warmed me from the inside out. “Of course,” she repeated.

  She started to lace our fingers together, but I pulled away and averted my eyes. It was too wonderful, too comfortable. It would be so easy to cave, to give myself over to her. But I didn’t want to fall again. I didn’t want to get hurt again. Distance was good.

  “Why are you here, Kiera?” I asked, returning my eyes to hers.

  She flinched under my words, like she was hurt by them, and she seemed uncertain what to say. “My sister” was what she ended up saying. Right. Anna dragged her to a show. That was the only reason she’d shown up. She wasn’t here for me…

  I turned to leave and she grabbed my arm and yanked me back to her. “You…for you.” Her voice was brimming with panic.

  I searched her face, looking for the truth. “For me? You chose him, Kiera. Push come to shove…you chose him.”

  She pulled me closer to her as she shook her head. “No…I didn’t. Not at the end, I didn’t.”

  Denial? Really? That’s her game plan? “I heard you, Kiera. I was there, I heard you clearly—”

  “No…I was just scared.” She put a hand on my chest, and her ever-changing emerald eyes searched mine. “I was scared, Kellan. You’re…you’re so…”

  “I’m what?” I stepped into her so our hips were touching. Sparks began igniting around us, as they always did.

  Kiera stared into my eyes and began to speak; I could tell from her expression and the tremor in her voice that she was speaking straight from her heart. “I’ve never felt such passion, like I feel when I’m with you. I’ve never felt this heat.” She lifted her hand from my chest to my face. “You were right, I was scared to let go…but I was scared to let go of him to be with you, not the other way around. He was comfortable and safe and you…I got scared that the heat would burn out…and you’d leave me for someone better…and then I’d have nothing. That I’d throw Denny away for a hot romance that would be over before I knew it, and I’d be alone. Flash fire.”

  Understanding crashed over me. She was insecure, and insecurity was certainly something I could understand, but after everything I’d told her about me and my past, with everything that she knew she meant to me…how could she think that I would do anything other than cherish her?

  I lowered my head to hers, and our chests pressed together. “Is that what you think we had? Flash fire? Did you think I’d just throw you away if that fire died?” As if it ever would. Not for me, at any rate. I shifted my leg between hers and her breath sped up. We were so close; she smelled so good. “You’re…the only woman I’ve ever loved…ever. You thought I’d toss that out? Do you really think anyone in the world compares to you in my eyes?”

  “I get that now,” she murmured, “but I panicked. I was scared…” Her chin lifted and our lips brushed together.

  It was too much. I took a step back. She clench
ed my arm to stop me from leaving. I gazed at the floor before looking back up at her. Why did I have to love her so much? Why couldn’t I walk away? “You don’t think this scares me, Kiera? Do you think loving you has ever been easy for me…or even sometimes pleasant?” It was a nightmare and a fantasy all rolled up in one. Kiera looked down, my words stabbing through her like daggers. I didn’t want to hurt her, but now wasn’t the time to hold back. She needed to know just what she’d done to me. What she continued to do to me. “You have put me through hell so many times that I almost think I’m crazy for even talking to you right now.”

  A tear rolled down her cheek, and she started to move away like she was leaving. Grabbing her shoulders, I held her against the wall. I didn’t want her to leave yet. I wasn’t ready. When she looked up at me, another tear rolled down her skin. I brushed it away with my thumb, then I cupped her face and made her look at me.

  “I know what we have is intense. I know it’s terrifying. I feel that too, believe me. But it’s real, Kiera.” My hand drifted from my chest to hers. “This is real and it’s deep, and it wouldn’t have just…burned out. I’m done with meaningless encounters. You’re everything I want. I’d never have strayed from you.”

  Her hands came up to reach me, and I stepped away. I wasn’t ready for that either. Sadness filled me as I gazed at her standing a foot away from me. She’d said goodbye to me in that parking lot because of fear, and now I had to do the same to her. And it broke my heart. Again. “I still can’t be with you, though. How can I ever trust that…?” My gaze fell to the floor, my voice faded to a whisper. “That you won’t leave me one day? As much as I miss you, that thought keeps me away.”

  She was worried about me straying…but she was the one who’d slept with Denny after telling me she loved me. Right after I’d told her I couldn’t stomach the thought of sharing her, she’d lain with him. While I understood how confusing the situation had been, I couldn’t quite get over the fact that she had, in an odd way, cheated on me.

  Kiera took a step toward me, her voice apologetic. “Kellan, I’m so—”

  My eyes snapped to hers. “You left me for him, Kiera, even if it was just some knee-jerk reaction, because the thought of us terrified you…You still were going to leave me for him. How do I know that won’t happen again?”

  Her answer was oddly calm, determined even. “It won’t…I won’t ever leave you. I’m done being apart from you. I’m done denying what we have. I’m done being scared.”

  For the first time ever, I envied her for her courage. “I’m not, Kiera. I still need that minute…”

  Her hand drifted to my stomach; her fingertips burned like fire. “Do you still love me?” she asked, hope in her eyes.

  A sigh escaped me as I looked over her face. “You would never believe how much.”

  She stepped closer and her hand ran up my chest. I closed my eyes as tendrils of electricity excited my flesh. Her fingers reached my heart, and I stopped them. Holding her hand over my tattoo, I whispered, “I never left you…I kept you with me, here.”

  Almost like she knew what I’d done to my body, she pulled my shirt aside. I dropped my hand and let her see. Honesty was all we could do for each other now. The minute she spotted her name upon my skin, her mouth dropped open and her eyes watered. She began to trace the swirling letters with her finger, and my skin pricked with joyous pain wherever she touched me.

  “Kellan…”

  Her voice cracked on my name. I pulled her searing fingers away, but laced them with mine instead of dropping them completely. Holding our hands against my chest, I rested our heads together again. “So…yes, yes I do still love you. I never stopped. But…Kiera…”

  “Have you been with anyone else?” she whispered.

  Surprised, I pulled back to look at her. “No…I haven’t wanted…” There is no one else for me but you. Wondering if she’d been as faithful to a lost cause as I had been, I asked her, “Have you?”

  Even though she was quick to answer, I thought I’d be sick waiting for it. “No. I just…I just want you.” Relief washed through me, cleansing me. “We’re meant to be, Kellan. We need each other,” she added in a whisper.

  I know. I need you so much, Kiera. No one will do…but you.

  Without considering what I was doing, I stepped into her. Her hand slipped around my waist, mine went to her hip. We pulled each other closer, like we couldn’t bear to be apart anymore. And I couldn’t. I felt like I’d been waiting for this my whole life, and I didn’t want to stop it…but…pain and doubt were still waging war within me.

  We kept staring at each other’s mouths, and the tension between us was mounting. I wanted to kiss her so badly. I wet my lip, dragging my teeth over the tender skin, but it was Kiera I wanted to feel touching me.

  I angled my head down to hers; we were just inches apart now, and her fast breath washed over my face. “Kiera, I thought I could leave you. I thought distance would make this go away, and it’d get easier, but it hasn’t.” I paused to shake my head. “Being apart from you is killing me. I feel lost without you.”

  “I do too,” she murmured.

  Our fingers separated. Kiera ran hers up my shoulder, mine trailed down her necklace again. “I’ve thought about you every day.” My fingers kept going, ghosting over her chest, her bra. “I’ve dreamt about you every night.” My fingers trailed along her ribs, hers tangled in my hair. It was intoxicating, and confusing. “But…I don’t know how to let you back in.”

  I pulled back a little to take in her expression; all I saw looking back at me was confident love. I wished I felt the same. I wanted so much to just push all of my fears aside and say yes to whatever this might be, because holding her felt so right. But it had gone so horribly wrong before…I wouldn’t survive another heartbreak like that. She was so hard to resist though. My lips lowered to hover just above hers. “I don’t know how to keep you out either.”

  That’s when I was shoved from behind. Someone laughed, but I couldn’t concentrate on it for long. That small push had closed the distance between Kiera’s lips and mine, and now that we were touching, all thought of walking away fled my mind. I simply…couldn’t.

  We froze in shock for a few seconds, then we melted into a long-desired kiss. It felt different than before, guilt-free, careless, and about ten times as intense. I wasn’t sure if I was going to start letting out tears of joy, curl into a ball of misery, or throw her down on the ground and take her.

  “Oh, God, I’ve missed…” I couldn’t even complete my thought. Our kiss heated, and still my stupid body tried to speak my conflicting emotions. “I can’t…” do this again. “I don’t…” want to be hurt again. “I want…” you. A deep groan escaped me, and Kiera matched the sound. “Oh, God…Kiera.”

  Breath intense, I pulled back to grip her face. Her tears were streaming again, but her breath was just as quick as mine. I wanted her…so much. “You wreck me,” I growled before crashing my lips down to hers.

  I pushed her into the wall as our eager kiss revved up my body. Her hands tangled into my hair. She wanted me, I wanted her, and this was really happening. Just as I was running my fingers along the amazing indentation along her lower back, contemplating how many steps away from the back room we were, Kiera gently pushed me away. Confused, I offered no resistance. Was she saying no again? I shouldn’t be surprised, this happened all the time, but yeah, I was. Hurt immediately started filling my body, freezing my chest with a bone-numbing ache.

  Kiera seemed to understand what I was thinking. Seeing the pain in my eyes, she immediately said, “I want you. I choose you. It will be different this time, everything will be different. I want to make this work with you.”

  The ache started fading as her words lessened my fears. She wasn’t saying no, she was saying, Not like this. I could accept that. Still fighting the desire within me, I gazed at her lips, her eyes, then back to her lips again. “How do we do that? This is what we do…back and forth, back and forth.
You want me, you want him. You love me, you love him. You like me, you hate me, you want me, you don’t want me, you love me…you leave me. There’s so much that went wrong before…”

  The ever-cycling pain of our relationship overwhelmed me. Even if she did want me, I wasn’t sure I could do it again. Being in love was so hard. But not being in love was even worse. I didn’t know what to do anymore. Stay, go, love her, leave her.

  Kiera brought a hand to my cheek, and I looked up to her eyes. “Kellan, I’m naïve and insecure. You’re a…moody artist.” My lip twitched at our inside joke that wasn’t really a joke, but I contained my laugh. Kiera continued with a smile that warmed and relaxed me. “Our history is a mess of twisted emotions, jealousies, and complications, and we’ve both tormented and hurt each other…and others. We’ve both made mistakes…so many mistakes.” Leaning back, her smile widened. “So how about we slow down? How about we just…date…and see how it goes?”

  It seemed so simple, I was momentarily stunned. Everything about us had been so intense for so long, it was hard to picture it being any other way. But maybe…if we took a step back, went a little slower, we could ease into this, and maybe then we wouldn’t both be so scared.

  It was the perfect solution, and I was surprised it hadn’t occurred to me earlier. I thought an all-or-nothing approach was it for us, but that wasn’t necessarily true. I definitely wanted to do this, to see where this could go, but first…I had to tease Kiera a little for her choice of words. I tossed on a devilish smile, and Kiera instantly understood. She’d asked to date me, and in my past, dating had meant sex. Pointless, meaningless sex. I knew that wasn’t what she meant now, but making her blush was fun.

  Embarrassed, she looked down. “I meant…actual dating, Kellan. The old-fashioned kind.”

  I started laughing and she looked up. With a peaceful smile that actually felt genuine for once, I told her, “You really are the most adorable person. You have no idea how much I’ve missed that.”