Thoughtful

  Her smile seemed equally untroubled. Stroking the rough stubble on my unshaven face, she asked me, “So…will you date me?”

  She said it suggestively, and my grin grew. “I’d love to…date you.” The playfulness of the moment died down, and seriousness blanketed my voice. “We’ll try…we’ll try to stop hurting each other. We’ll take this easy. We’ll go slowly.”

  It was the only way we could truly recover from what we’d done to each other.

  Chapter 35

  Dating

  For the first time in my life, I was dating. Real, old-school dating. And Kiera had said she wanted it traditional, so that was exactly what I did. I opened doors for her when I took her out to dinner, I only held her hand, and I gave her a brief kiss on the cheek at the end of the night. And, surprisingly, I was happy that the evening hadn’t ended with sex. It made me feel like we were building something, or rebuilding something. We were forming connections that went deeper than physical intimacy, and as frightening as that was, it was also ten times as euphoric.

  When we were together, I couldn’t stop looking at her. The fact that she was with me, and only me, was something that blew my mind. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much, and my band constantly asked me if everything was okay. Yes, it is. Finally. Or at least, it was getting that way. There were a lot of scars between Kiera and me, and scars took time to heal.

  Wanting to prove to myself that I could touch Kiera without it getting overly sexual, I took her dancing next. Everyone came with us, and it turned into a group date. My hands, while desperately wanting to run over every inch of her seductive skin, stayed on her hips. We would have made seventh graders proud. Well, maybe fifth graders.

  When we were all gathering together for our date night, Anna greeted me in her typical fashion. With a smack across the head, she muttered, “Ass.” I only smiled at her in response. Someday she would get over the fact that I’d pretended that we’d slept together. And even if she didn’t, Kiera’s smile whenever Anna reprimanded me was glorious. I’d let Anna hit me every day to see Kiera’s face light up like that.

  Anna wrapped her arms around Griffin, and we didn’t see much more of them for the remainder of the evening. Let me rephrase that. During the night, they disappeared for long stretches at a time, but when they were around us, we all saw way too much of them. Kiera turned green on several occasions.

  Jenny came out with us too, and she brought along her roommate, Rachel. Rachel and Kiera worked together at Kiera’s new job. I’d met her a time or two before. She was a cute blend of Latin and Asian, and she was quiet as a mouse. Jenny said that made her the best roommate in the world, but it was Matt who looked captivated. The two of them found a corner of the club that wasn’t too noisy and spent most of the night talking instead of dancing. I’d never seen Matt really date anyone before—the band took up way too much of his time—but I thought he might actually give it a go with the laid-back girl. Assuming she was into music, of course. If she was ambivalent or uninterested, they’d never work out. I wished them the best.

  With all the rest of us paired off, that just left Evan and Jenny. I cornered him in the club hallway. “Are you gonna man up and make a move?” I asked.

  He actually had the gall to act clueless. “What are you talking about?”

  I smacked his shoulder. “Jenny. You guys are here, dancing together, half-drunk and making moony eyes at each other. Kiss her already.”

  Evan pursed his lips. “You need to get off that kick.”

  This time I poked his shoulder. “And you need to get on that. Kiss her. That’s an order.”

  He crossed his arms over his chest. “You can’t order me.”

  I matched his posture. “Yes, I can. You said it was my band, remember? So if you want to stay in it, I’m commanding you to lay one on that little fireball. Got it?”

  Not intimidated, he raised an eyebrow. “Really? You’re gonna kick me out of the band if I don’t kiss a girl?”

  I shook my head. “No, not ‘a girl.’ Jenny. The person who you’re supposed to be with, but you’re too damn stubborn to see it.” When he still didn’t look impressed, I added, “And no, I won’t kick you out…” Smiling, I leaned in and said, “I’ll make you wear Griffin’s bike shorts. After he’s done using them. In the sauna.”

  Kiera and Jenny emerged from the bathrooms then, so I grabbed my girl and left Evan to chew on that. As we were walking away, I heard him shout, “You are one sick individual, Kyle!”

  I raised my fist into the air in response. Kiera peeked up at me with curious eyes. “Do I want to know what that was about?”

  “No, probably not.” I gave her a wink, which made her bite her lip in such a sensual way that I instantly forgot all about Evan and Jenny. Squeezing Kiera’s hand, I leaned down and whispered in her ear, “Come dance with me, beautiful.”

  Her cheeks turned a gorgeous shade of rose as she nodded. Leading the way, I pushed us back out to the dance floor and wrapped my arms around her waist again. The song was quicker paced than how we were dancing, but I didn’t care. I wanted to slow dance with my girl. The DJ could kiss my ass.

  I watched Kiera while she watched the crowd. She was so attractive with her hair pulled up into a ponytail, and a tight tank top on under a cream-colored see-through shirt. I wanted to be doing much more than dancing, but the restraint only added to the anticipation. This was technically only our second date, so I wasn’t even going to kiss her tonight. A proper gentleman waited for the third date. Or at least, that sounded good in my head.

  A look of surprise crossed over Kiera’s emerald eyes, and I scanned the crowd to try to see what she’d seen. When she nudged my shoulder and flicked her head toward Evan and Jenny, I looked over at them. Was he finally kissing her? No, but they had their foreheads resting together, and Evan was playing with her hair while she gazed at him like he was the only person left on earth. He might still be resisting, but it wouldn’t be much longer now. Good. I shouldn’t be the only one feeling this amazing.

  I was nervous for Kiera’s and my next date. This was the one…lucky number three. I was going to kiss her, but I didn’t want it to go too far. Just a kiss. That was it. I didn’t want to get swept away—and at the same time, I really did want to get swept away. Not yet though. We still needed to keep this slow and steady.

  After I walked her to her door, I asked if I could kiss her. With a smile bright enough to light the whole city, she murmured, “Yes.”

  My heart was racing as we leaned into each other, and all I kept thinking was Keep it short, keep it simple. Our lips briefly pressed together, and I instantly pulled away. There. Gentlemanly. Kiera wasn’t as gentlemanly though. Reaching out, she grabbed my neck and pulled me into her again. As our mouths moved together, my thoughts shifted to Yes…God, yes. It took a lot of willpower, but we left it as a long, passionate kiss, and I was breathless when I walked away. Damn. Going slow was going to be harder than I thought.

  Once we started kissing again, we both practiced a lot of restraint every time we saw each other, whether we were at her school, at the park, at her place, mine, or eventually, back at Pete’s. Thankfully, it didn’t take long for Kiera to quit her job at a diner in Pioneer Square and come back to the bar.

  When Kiera returned to Pete’s, I made damn sure everyone knew there was nothing hidden about our relationship: I gave her a heart-stopping kiss right in the middle of the bar. She was mine. And if anyone tried to take her from me, I would have their head. Maybe I was a bit too possessive now, but I’d tried sharing once, and I didn’t care for it. Not one tiny little bit.

  Kiera was breathless and red-faced when we pulled apart, but she didn’t chide me for the very public display of affection. I’d wanted this from the beginning, and she knew that. With a nod and a smile, she gave me a brief kiss before walking to the back room. My eyes swept the crowd, looking for a challenge. I didn’t find one.

  Evan clapped me on the shoulder once I joined the band at our tabl
e. “You’ve developed a flair for the dramatic. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”

  I smiled at him as I sat down. “And you’ve become the biggest procrastinator I know.” I leaned forward so I could shout at Griffin at the end of the table. “Hey, you’ve still got those spandex shorts, right?” Griffin gave me a thumbs-up.

  Matt’s expression turned horrified, like I’d just asked Griffin for his jock strap. “What the hell do you want with those things, Kellan?”

  He put his hand on my forehead, like he was taking my temperature. Evan tossed a crumpled napkin in my face. “Jerk. I think I liked you better when you were sprawled across the table, piss-ass drunk.”

  My eyes drifted over to Kiera as she reemerged from the back room in her red Pete’s T-shirt. “Don’t count on that happening again anytime soon,” I told Evan. All is right with the world again.

  But everything being right didn’t mean that everything was perfect. Kiera and I had issues. We had insecurities. We even occasionally had doubts. But we did our best to talk them out, to work through them instead of burying them.

  The universe made that challenging at times. A half-naked woman showing up on my doorstep brought a hefty dose of tension into the relationship. I asked her to leave and never come back, but after shutting the door on the disappointed woman, I turned to Kiera with a knot of dread in my stomach.

  Her eyes were dark with suspicion, and I clearly knew what she was thinking—What would you have done if I hadn’t been here? I answered the question in her eyes before she could even verbalize it. “In case you’re wondering, yes, I would have done exactly what I just did if you weren’t here. I only want you.”

  Impressing the hell out of me, Kiera let it go. If the situation were reversed, I think I would have reacted differently. In fact, sometimes I was the one who lost it. She came across me one day while I was staring at the closed door leading into the bedroom she’d once shared with Denny and thinking dark thoughts that I shouldn’t have been thinking.

  Maybe seeing my troubled expression, Kiera wrapped her arms around me and asked, “Everything okay?”

  Not wanting to fight about things that didn’t matter anymore, I turned from the door and started heading downstairs. “Yeah, fine.”

  She followed me, and at the bottom of the stairs, she grabbed my elbow. Searching my face, she said, “You’re not okay. What’s wrong?”

  With a harsh swallow, I considered telling her that nothing was wrong, but swallowing my pain wouldn’t help it go away, so I instead said, “It’s just…I have to look at that damn door every day, and remember…that’s where you had sex with another man. And sometimes, it’s just too much.”

  I pulled away from her, but she held on tight. “I know. Trust me, when I look at that door—”

  I didn’t want to be angry with her, but her words stung. “It’s not the same for you as it is for me!”

  She bristled at my tone of voice. “Maybe that room isn’t the same for me as it is for you…but I have to deal with the ghosts of all of your women every time I go in your room. Do you think that’s easy for me?”

  I understood where she was coming from, but I was in a dark place, and in no mood to be understanding. “I didn’t take a woman to my bed after I told you I loved you. I stayed faithful to you…but you…you fucked him. You fucked him right after our perfect afternoon together. Well, it was perfect for me, but it must not have meant shit to you, because you fucked him, Kiera!”

  Every time I swore, my voice got angrier and more intense. Kiera’s cheeks flushed and her eyes watered. “Don’t do this, Kellan. Don’t open that door. I’ve already apologized, and you said you understood. I was…confused.”

  “I do understand! That’s what makes it so fucked up. I understand, but that doesn’t make it any easier.” A tear rolled down her cheek and regret washed over me. I hadn’t meant to bring it up…I wanted to let the past go, I really did. Sinking my head into my hands, I muttered, “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a dick, it just…it hurts, Kiera. It really fucking hurts.”

  I felt the darkness and anger shifting into pain. I wished that had gone away the second Kiera and I had become a couple, but every once in a while, agony reared its ugly head. Kiera made multiple quiet apologies in my ear as she tried to put her arms around me. For a second, I didn’t let her, but then I caved, because I knew I had to let this go if we were going to move forward. And I wanted to move forward with her…so much.

  Letting go wasn’t something that happened all at once though. It was a gradual process, with giant steps forward, and then a few steps back. We’d be happy and content, doting on each other, stealing soft kisses at Pete’s, then all of a sudden, something would happen to disturb our peace…like a couple of girls inviting me out right in front of Kiera.

  I knew by the look on Kiera’s face that trouble was brewing, so I turned the girls down and hopped onstage as fast as I could. For the remainder of her shift, Kiera acted like everything was fine, but afterward, in the parking lot, she made a snide comment that I had almost been expecting. “Should we stop by the store on the way home? I think we’re out of whipped cream.”

  Stopping in my tracks, I stared at her watery eyes. I knew she was upset, and I knew exactly what her comment was referencing. “I turned them down, Kiera. I always turn all of them down. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

  She looked back at the bar, and a tear rolled down her cheek. “You didn’t that night…”

  I closed my eyes and a sigh escaped me. I’d known that night would eventually come back to bite me in the ass. “Kiera…”

  Her eyes flashed back to mine. “I had to listen to you have an orgy, Kellan. That…hurt.”

  Guilt made me say something stupid. Stepping closer to her, I snapped out, “And I had to watch you leave the club with Denny. You left to go screw him while pretending he was me! If you want to discuss being hurt…then let’s talk about how much that hurt!”

  And we did. For hours, we discussed the myriad ways we’d tortured each other. And then, when the angry fire between us was doused, we went over to Kiera’s place and cuddled on her couch until we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Kissing her hair before I dozed off, I told her how sorry I was, and how much I loved her, and she repeated the feelings back to me. And that was how we healed, how we found balance. We allowed ourselves to get angry, to bring up things that had hurt us, over and over again if we needed to. We talked them out instead of brushing them aside, until eventually, the painful conversations became fewer and farther between, and the good parts of our new relationship became larger and more important.

  Kiera and I still weren’t having sex, but we weren’t exactly keeping our hands off each other either. We were frequently in some stage of undress—my shirt, her shirt, something always seemed to be missing when we were alone. And while I loved bringing Kiera to the breaking point, then playfully pulling back and telling her we needed to slow down, I was ready to be with her again, and the painful need of wanting her was only growing every time we touched.

  A part of me wanted to push us both past the point of no return, but a larger part wanted it to be something we talked about and were ready for, both emotionally and physically. And I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up. It might seem like coercion if it came from me. I wanted Kiera to approach me. I wanted her to be bold enough, and confident enough, to tell me that she was ready to make love to me.

  Evan thought it was odd we were waiting, but seeing as he hadn’t even kissed Jenny yet, he didn’t have room to talk. I was just about to put that intervention together when Kiera approached me at Pete’s one night with red cheeks and a stunned expression. “You are not going to believe who I just walked in on in the back room.”

  I had a pretty good idea who it might be, since their flirting had ramped up recently, but I played dumb so I could tease Kiera. “Um…Anna and Griffin?” I raised an eyebrow. “Do you need me to scrub your eyes for you?” M
y gaze drifted down her body. “Or I could scrub somewhere else, if you prefer?”

  Her cheeks turned a darker shade as she rapped my shoulder. “No…” Her face brightened again. “Evan and Jenny! They’ve been flirting a lot lately, but they were totally kissing and…stuff…”

  She looked away and I wondered what all they’d been doing back there. Good for them. And about freaking time. With a laugh, I told her, “I’ve been waiting for that one.”

  Evan rejoined the table before it was time to go onstage. I simply smiled as I stared at him. He ignored me for a long time, then with a sigh, he looked my way and asked in a flat voice, “What?”

  Putting my elbows on the table, I leaned forward. “Anything you want to say to me?”

  With a sniff, he looked down at my shirt. “I don’t think brown is your color.” My smile not diminishing, I patiently waited until his eyes returned to mine. He sighed again. “Kiera told you she saw us, didn’t she?” Grinning wider, I nodded. Evan rolled his eyes, then muttered, “Okay…you were right.”

  Putting a finger against my ear, I tilted my head and said, “What was that?”

  He narrowed his dark eyes at me. “You were right. Fucker.” He broke into a goofy, love-struck smile. “I like her.”

  Laughing, I leaned back in my chair. “Yeah, I know.” As he was shaking his head, I added, “Hey, Evan…Told you so.” He flipped me off.

  I still played the emotional song that I’d written for Kiera at every show. Like always, I tuned out the world and sang it directly to Kiera. She cried every single time, which warmed my heart. A part of me had thought she’d been fine during our breakup, but she’d moped, cried, and thrown herself into schoolwork. She’d been just as torn up inside. It gave me peace that it had been just as hard on her as it had been on me.

  One night, when her song ended, I hopped off the stage and rushed over to her. I had to wade through a sea of wandering fingers and eager mouths to do it, but I eventually reached her more or less unscathed. With a smile, she shook her head at my antics, but then my lips were on hers, and she didn’t have time to do anything other than kiss me back. The crowd erupted into screams and whistles while I held her face against mine. I think a large chunk of the audience thought it was part of the act, and that they might get a shot with me later, but that absolutely wasn’t happening.