Becoming Calder

  I stepped back, took her hand, and led her to the smaller rock where we sat down together. "I know. It's part of the reason, and I see how he's different, too, but . . . I see it clearly now. I was never going to get a spot on the council. It was a pipe dream."

  "I'm sorry," she whispered.

  I stared out at the spring for a minute, realizing nothing in me felt surprised. I turned to her and tucked a loose piece of hair behind her ear, letting my gaze roam over her beautiful face. She looked like a goddess sitting there, her hair cascading over her shoulders and her pale skin glowing in the sunlight. For just a second, I wanted to fall to my knees at her feet and worship at her shrine.

  "This changes everything, you know. We can't go back. We can't pretend this didn't happen. I can't pretend this didn't happen."

  She nodded, letting out a breath. "Yes, I know."

  I nodded, furrowing my brow. "I don't know exactly what to do, but I'm going to come up with something. You trust me, right?"

  "With my life."

  My chest tightened and I leaned forward and kissed her again. "Okay. We need to get back now. Hector's meeting will be ending. No more coming to my cabin, all right? If you need to contact me, you leave a note in the bushes for Xander. I'll have him check every day."

  She nodded her head, biting her full bottom lip. I wanted to kiss her again, but there wasn't time. I wanted to kiss her again and again for the rest of forever, and never stop. "Are we going to leave here?" she asked, her eyes pleading for some sort of confirmation.

  I looked back at her for a minute, then pulled her into my chest, holding her tightly against me. She laid her ear over my heart and we just sat like that for long minutes. Could we? Could we leave here? My family? My friends? Our lives? Our destiny? "Only because we have to," I finally said.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Eden

  I was walking on air. Things were going on around me, I supposed, but they all had a distant, dreamy quality. I was lost in my own head, at our spring, Calder's lips on mine, his tongue claiming my mouth, his hard body pressed against me. I shivered just recalling the feel of him—overwhelming, delicious, beautiful—everything I'd ever dreamed of and more.

  A few days after Calder kissed me, I put a handful of butterscotch candies in the bush in front of the lodge for Xander to take to Maya and my hand touched a folded up piece of paper. I grabbed it and stuffed it in the pocket of my skirt, looked around, and quickly returned to my room.

  I sat down on my bed and opened it with shaking fingers. I recognized the thick paper. It was a piece from the pad we left at the spring, torn in half to make it smaller.

  Eden,

  A pebble. That's the answer to the question you asked a while back about what the male penguin uses to propose to the female penguin. He sifts through all the pebbles until he finds the smoothest one he can to give to his chosen female. Then he presents it to her as a token of his love. If she takes the pebble and places it on her nest, that means she accepts him as her mate.

  I asked a girl I took classes with and you were right. That was, of course, the part she remembered.

  I feel your lips on me, Eden. When I close my eyes, when I'm awake. I taste you. You are my first breath, and my last. I feel you, and I hope you still feel me, too. I need to see you. Can you meet me at our spring? Leave a note for Xander and he'll bring it to me. It will seem like a thousand years until then.

  Yours, Calder

  Yours. I sat there holding Calder's note to my chest, a dizzy smile on my face. I was somebody's. I was Calder's. I belonged to him. And he belonged to me. It seemed so simple, but of course for us, it was anything but.

  I turned the note over and laughed out loud when I saw the entire back side of the paper was filled with a sketch of a penguin nosing a small, shiny pebble along the snow-covered ground toward another penguin sitting up straight on a nest, her head turned away from him. In that one quick sketch, he had managed to put a look of pure hopefulness on the boy penguin's face, and a haughty indifference on the girl penguin's face, as she waited to be impressed. I laughed again, quietly.

  I looked around my room for a piece of paper, but realized I didn't have any in my room. There'd be some downstairs. I glanced at Hector's Holy Book on my bedside table and bit my lip. Then I picked it up and opened it slowly, hesitating. I quickly turned to the back and ripped a page out. My eyes widened in disbelief at my own small act of rebellion. But I sat down on my bed and used the cover as a hard surface to write my note.

  I used the empty margins of the page, and I had to keep it short, as the empty space was limited.

  Calder,

  Who could have guessed that penguins are so romantic? This world really is filled with love in the most surprising of places, isn't it?

  I feel your lips on mine, too. I taste you. I breathe you. I long for you like I've never longed for anything in my life.

  Meet me at our spring on Sunday, after Temple? Hector has another council meeting and I'll tell Mother Miriam I'm ill so I don't have to attend the Sunday meal.

  Always yours, Eden

  **********

  I walked as quickly as I could in my sandals and skirt down the trail. My heart beat harshly in my chest, not just from the exertion, but from the excitement of knowing I'd see Calder in a matter of minutes.

  I ducked through the opening and straightened up. There he was, reclining on our rock, his arms behind his head, his wet clothes clinging to him. I stood there for a minute simply looking at him. He sat up and his wet shirt showed his stomach muscles bunching underneath the fabric. He grinned at me and I moved quickly to the edge of the spring.

  I waded through and Calder offered me a hand, pulling me up on the rock. I lay back next to him. We lay there for a minute or two, our breathing and the splashing of the water the only sound around us. Then we both moved at once, turning toward each other, Calder taking my head in his hands and weaving his fingers through my hair. He paused for only a second as he gazed into my eyes, his own dilating and darkening, hungry. A tingling started between my legs and I squeezed them together to relish the sensation. And then his mouth met mine and the taste of him was all I knew. I moaned, a wordless confession of my desire and complete willingness.

  He tilted his head and our kiss went deeper, our tongues dueling gently. The scrape of his rough jaw against my cheek was so perfectly masculine. It inflamed me and I moaned again, pressing my body closer to his.

  When Calder broke away gently to trail his lips down my throat, I sighed, tilting my head back to give him better access to my skin. I gazed up at the blue sky, clouds floating lazily by.

  "The gods created this place for us," I whispered, smiling dreamily.

  Calder paused, brushing his lips once more across my throat before responding. "Yes." I felt him smile against my skin. "Why do you think they did that?"

  "So we'd have a place to fall in love."

  Calder lifted his head, his expression full of intensity. "You're mine, Eden. You always have been, from the very first second I saw you."

  I nodded. It seemed like the simplest truth the world had ever known.

  Our lips met again. Calder kissed me in a way that made me believe I had not only always been his, but I would be his forever. In this life or any other. In his kiss was the promise that wherever he and I existed, we would belong to each other.

  After several minutes, Calder broke away, panting as he looked at me with heavy-lidded eyes.

  He looked strained, but conflicted. "Please don't stop," I said, leaning in and kissing his lips again softly.

  "I'm afraid if I don't now, I won't be able to later," he said, his voice even more gravelly than it normally was.

  I wanted to tell him not to stop now, or later, but the words themselves felt brazen, too bold, even in my mind. My actions would have to speak for me.

  I put my fingers on the top button of my shirt and started slowly unbuttoning each one after that, one by one. Calder's eyes jumped between my
fingers and my face, his eyes seeming to darken as each button popped open. I watched his throat move as he swallowed heavily.

  I opened my shirt to expose the simple white bra beneath and shrugged the wet garment off, letting it fall off my shoulders. I reached behind my back, unhooked my bra, and let it slide down my arms and drop to my lap. A soft moan came from Calder's parted lips, his eyes trained on my breasts. My nipples hardened under his stare and I lowered my eyes. I'd never been naked in front of anyone.

  "Eden," Calder whispered reverently, "you're so beautiful."

  And then in one swift movement, he pulled off his own wet shirt and sat bare-chested before me. My eyes roamed over his bronzed skin and his sleek muscles, goose bumps popping up in the wake of my stare. I reached out to touch him first, and things seemed to slow down. We both moved our bodies closer at once and my hand reached the warm, smooth skin of his chest. A breath escaped him and my eyes darted to his face. I had seen Calder shirtless before, but never dreamed I would one day get to touch him, feel the strong muscles I had admired for so long. He felt so firm, so masculine, his skin smooth and warm. I could hardly believe this was real.

  "Please don't stop," he said, repeating my words from a few minutes before.

  I released a breath and let my fingers continue their journey, over one pectoral, and down to one of his nipples where I used my pointer finger to trace around it gently.

  "Eden," Calder choked out. "You're killing me. I'm dying."

  I smiled, my eyes still watching my fingers as they trailed even farther down his stomach. "No. You're living. We're living. Right here, together. It's been suggested dying would separate us forever, and I refuse to let you go." My eyes met his then and something seemed to spark between us right before he leaned forward and took my mouth again, his tongue thrusting slowly and leisurely. I moved even closer so I could feel his bare skin against my own. Bliss.

  I was being bold now, but this moment was ours, no one else's. Never in my whole life had I been given what I wanted, or even asked what that might be, so I was going to take it. Right here under the gods, at our spring, I was going to take what I wanted for myself. And I wanted Calder. And he wanted me. And that couldn't be wrong, could it?

  I rubbed my achy nipples against his hard chest and moaned into his mouth at the delicious sensation. Nothing had ever felt so good and I wanted more. I wove my fingers through the short, soft hair at the back of his neck and tangled my tongue with his, exalting at the taste of him, the smell of him: clean water and male skin.

  We lay down together, our mouths never breaking contact. It felt like my heart was beating furiously and there was an intense tingly feeling between my legs. I didn't know what I needed, but I was desperate to get whatever it was. I broke away from his mouth. "Are you . . .? Do you . . .?" I asked, breathlessly, not knowing how to verbalize what my body was asking for.

  "Yes," he said, seeming to know. "Yes."

  I let my eyes move boldly downward and took in the bulge at the front of his loose pants. Keeping my eyes trained there, I said, "I learn things here. Teach me, Calder." My cheeks heated and I waited for him to say something.

  Calder was quiet for a few seconds and I glanced up at his face. He was looking at me, a look that seemed to be a mixture of surprise and desire.

  Calder groaned and fell backward on the rock, covering his face with his hands. "How am I going to survive you?" he asked.

  I smiled, laying my body on top of his and kissing his throat. "I'm the least of your concerns."

  He laughed a humorless sounding laugh. "No, you're by far the biggest of my concerns." But he looked at me with so much tenderness my heart squeezed.

  I smiled again and laid my cheek on his chest and after a minute, I let my hand move down the muscles of his stomach, taking a moment to trace the indents and ridges. He sucked in a breath and my hand halted, but when he didn't object, I let it continue on. I got to the waistband of his linen pants where a small trail of hair disappeared and he seemed to freeze, the bulge right beneath my hand jumping.

  I dipped my fingers below the loose waistband and moved my hand lower, through a thatch of coarse hair, seeking that part of him that was a mystery to me. Calder's chest rose and fell in pants that grew increasingly shallower. A heady feeling of power surged through my blood, emboldening me even further.

  My hand reached what I was seeking. I wrapped my fingers around the hard, silky length of him. He moaned deeply, pressing toward my hand in a wordless plea to continue.

  I let go for a second and a groan escaped him, but I needed to get his waistband lower so that I could see what I was doing. He lifted his backside so I could accomplish my goal and when I pulled his pants lower, he sprang free. I wrapped my hand around him again, my eyes widening as I took in the dusky organ, the head deep red, a shiny drop of fluid right at the tip. I knew what boys looked like—I'd helped Hailey bathe her children. But I'd never seen a man before. It was so . . . large and it jutted toward me so stiffly. For a minute, I simply stared at it.

  I sat up and put my other hand on the rock next to me. I looked back at Calder, but his arm was thrown up over his eyes, and so I couldn't see his expression well, just that his lips were parted and his jaw tense.

  "Eden, Eden . . ." he breathed, sounding desperate.

  I looked at my hand encircling him and I used my thumb to rub the drop of fluid in a circle, fascinated by him, by how different his body was from my own. He groaned as if I was torturing him.

  "Show me," I whispered.

  He hesitated for a brief second, but then took his own hand and put it on top of mine, using it to slide it up and down his length.

  After a minute, he let go and let me do it on my own. I continued to stroke him as he'd shown me. His moans and breathing told me I was doing something right and so I continued, mesmerized by the way the skin moved beneath my fingers, and the way he swelled even larger in my hand.

  After a few minutes, his breathing grew even more ragged and he began thrusting his hips upward into my hand. As I listened to his moans and soft panting, the pressure between my legs intensified, and I felt moisture trickling down my inner thigh.

  His body tensed and then froze as white liquid came bursting out of him. I sucked in a breath, my eyes widening as he moaned, gasped, and then relaxed, his body softening beneath my hand.

  I looked back at him, and he had brought his arm down and was looking at me with heavy-lidded eyes, his expression one of sleepy bliss. It made my own body speed up at the beauty of that look. I leaned down and kissed him, and he brought both hands up and cupped my jaw as he kissed me back deeply. We kissed for long minutes, slowly, experts on each other's mouths now. Calder rolled me over onto my back as his tongue continued to dance with mine.

  "That was . . . I can't even put into words what that was," Calder said, gazing down at me.

  I didn't know if what we were doing was wrong or right. I had been told all my life sexual impurity was a sin. But this felt the furthest from a sin any person could get. How could this be a sin when my heart was bursting with love for this strong, kind, incredible boy—the one who had taught me all things brave and beautiful? How could this be a sin when it was the most joyful moment of my whole life?

  Could it be wrong to be so happy? I just couldn't bring myself to believe it was.

  I whimpered into his mouth when his bare chest again rubbed over my hardened nipples. My body was suddenly enflamed again and my fingers dug into his biceps where I was gripping him, rubbing up and down the hard muscles of his arms. I loved the feeling of his big, hard body hovering over mine, his masculine scent surrounding me, the knowledge he was as helpless to resist me, as I was to resist him.

  He pulled away from my mouth and bent his head and suddenly, his lips were at my breast and he was kissing my nipple. My eyes blinked open and a sound of surprised delight escaped my mouth. Oh, that felt so blessedly good. He nuzzled his face against my breasts and licked around the sensitive buds for severa
l minutes until I was panting and dizzy with desire.

  I pressed the aching part of me upward, into his manhood, and he groaned and lifted his head. Our eyes met and he gazed at me with that same tenderness, right before he leaned in and trailed his lips up my throat. Before I realized it, I felt his hand under my skirt, trailing up my inner thigh. I froze, only able to concentrate on that rough hand moving upward, toward my most secret, private part. I swallowed heavily and tilted my head back, opening my eyes to stare unashamedly up toward the gods and the heavens. You were wrong, I told them in my head. This is my destiny.

  Calder's fingers feathered over my skin and then reached the waistband of my underwear. Just as he'd done for me, I lifted my backside to allow him room to pull my underwear down. His hand moved tentatively over the soft curls covering my sex and one of his fingers slipped through and touched a spot beneath that made me cry out in pleasure. His hand paused, but then he continued to use one finger to touch me there, exploring. I moaned and pressed up into his hand, overcome with the bliss he was giving me. "Calder," I breathed, "please don't stop."

  His finger continued to circle for a few minutes, as the pleasure rose higher and higher. He stopped momentarily. I made a sound of loss and pressed unabashedly up into his hand again. He moved his hand lower and dipped one finger into my opening and it felt so good I cried out again, begging him for more. He moaned, too, and pressed his finger deeper, filling me.

  Calder kissed and sucked at my neck, sending goose bumps across my torso. It felt so good. His voice was thick as he said, "I want you so much."

  "Yes, yes," I answered.