Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

  AND IT’S ’BOUT TO DELIVER ONE WHOPPER OF A BALLSACK TO THE BRAINPAN.

  I think you may find it comforting to know

  that Japan was no less strange two thousand years ago than it is today

  they did not have the technology to build flying boobs and hand-job robots

  but weird shit has always been Japan’s prime natural resource

  as the thousand-plus deities in the Shinto pantheon can proudly attest

  so have a seat

  get comfortable

  but I cannot assure you

  that what you are sitting on

  is not a raccoon’s nuts.

  IZANAMI GETS REAL SORE

  So where do we begin?

  Oh, I know

  HOW ABOUT THE BEGINNING?

  DURRRR.

  Okay, so apparently there’s like a hojillion generations of gods in Japan.

  In fact, there are so many generations

  that it takes seven of them JUST TO GET US TO THE DUDES WHO CREATE THE EARTH.

  What the hell were those other generations of gods doing?

  Just havin’ orgies not messing with ANY MORTALS AT ALL?

  That . . . sounds pretty ideal, actually.

  Anyway, after seven generations we finally get our two main characters:

  Izanagi (meaning “he who invites”)

  and Izanami (meaning “SHE who invites”)

  (that has nothing to do with how they behave or who they are or anything.

  It’s not like the entirety of creation is a fancy dinner party.

  Just thought it would be a nice detail to include.)

  Izanagi and Izanami are probably siblings based on how similar their names are.

  (See also: Tweedledee and Tweedledum)

  And seeing as this is mythology

  their first act is to be like “HEY:

  I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER.

  LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE!”

  But since all the gods have just been chilling out having nothing but orgies for millennia

  no one even knows how marriage WORKS

  so Izanagi and Izanami have to make it up from scratch

  and what they come up with actually makes a lot of sense:

  Izanagi’s like “All right

  what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see you and get REEEEALLY EXCITED

  and then you are also gonna get REALLY EXCITED

  and then we’ll be married!”

  And Izanami is like “Sounds great!

  I mean, normally women are supposed to be super passive and not speak unless spoken to

  but I guess I will make an exception in this case

  because, bro

  I am dying to get my bone on with you, bro.”

  So they do their crazy marriage thing

  and then immediately get down to business

  and then suddenly Izanami gives birth to a hideous mutant leech baby.

  BIG SURPRISE, ASSHOLES.

  Y’ALL ARE SIBLINGS.

  Actually, I want to go ahead and applaud the Japanese

  for having the first mythos that accurately portrays the outcome of incest.

  Oh wait

  I spoke too soon.

  Turns out they had a leechbaby because Izanami TALKED DURING THE WEDDING.

  WOMEN AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK, GUYS.

  IT’S UNLADYLIKE, AND THEY WILL BE PUNISHED WITH LEECHES.

  So they take a mulligan on the marriage

  and this time Izanami keeps her fat mouth shut

  and then they get bizzay

  and give birth to

  THE ISLAND OF JAPAN.

  OW.

  Not only is that not a living thing

  thus making it even more mutant status than the leechbaby

  but just imagine trying to push Japan out your ladyhole.

  Izanami just gets all kinds of screwed over in this story.

  Oh, I forgot to say

  they bone so hard in the water that they create bubbles

  and the bubbles turn into all the other landmasses on Earth

  which is good

  because it means Izanami doesn’t have to individually birth EVERY SINGLE OTHER PLACE

  but even so

  Japan is not the last-level hazard Izanami has to scooch out her cooch.

  Enter (or rather exit) KAGUTSUCHI

  GOD OF FIRE.

  OWWWW.

  This is disgusting, guys.

  I am disgusted.

  Oh, and that’s finally what kills Izanami

  so now she’s dead

  but it’s okay

  (kind of)

  because when Izanami dies a whole bunch of other gods fly out of her corpse

  like the god of earth and stuff

  and then Izanagi starts crying about it and his tears turn into MORE GODS

  and then he gets pissed off and cuts Kagutsuchi into pieces

  and guess what the pieces turn into

  DING DING DING

  MORE GODS.

  Is there anything anyone can do in ancient Japan that does not result in more gods?

  Answer: no.

  So then Izanami calms down a little bit

  (he is cycling through the stages of grief mighty fast)

  and he decides to go down to Yomi

  which is Japanese hell

  and try and get her back.

  So he goes down there and finds Izanami and he’s like “’Sup, gurl

  wanna come be alive with me again or something?”

  And Izanami is like “Aw shit, bro

  I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave.

  Here, let me introduce you to my friend Persephone.

  I understand she has had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY.”

  So Izanagi is pretty disappointed

  but he decides to chill out in Yomi for a while anyway

  except here’s the problem

  at some point he lights a torch

  and he sees his wife

  and she appears to have traded in her hotness for a lifetime supply of MAGGOTS

  and he’s like “AW HELL NO, GIRL

  I was gonna ask about conjugal visits in hell

  but I think I need to change my mind

  BECAUSE IT JUST SHAT ITSELF WITH HORROR.”

  And Izanami is like “Come back, bro, don’t be a pussy.”

  And Izanagi is like “HIGGITY-HELL NO.”

  And Izanami is like “Fine, dick.

  How about I kill a thousand people a day for the rest of eternity?”

  And Izanagi is like “Okay, you do that.

  I will create ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE HUNDRED people every day.

  Suck it, uggo.

  Or actually, don’t suck it.

  I don’t want to come down with a case of maggot dong.”

  So I guess they probably have a bidding war for a while

  where Izanami ups the number of dudes she kills

  and Izanagi ups the number of dudes he makes

  and they keep doing that basically forever, as far as I can tell

  and that’s where overpopulation comes from!

  So the moral of the story

  is that access to safe and effective birth control should be a human right

  because no woman

  should ever have to give birth

  to Japan.

  SUSANOO HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE’S DOING

  So I don’t know whose bright idea it was to have storm gods

  but these guys are nothing but problems.

  We’ve got Zeus for
starters

  (I don’t even wanna open that can of philandering worms right now)

  and then there’s Thor

  world-champion ruckus causer

  but as if those two problem machines weren’t enough

  we also have one of the ultimate prodigies of irrational sex and violence.

  Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you:

  SUSANOO

  Now I know what you’re thinking

  you’re thinking that SUSANOO sounds like an overacted exclamation from a bad soap opera.

  My friends, I assure you that it is not.

  It is actually the name of the Japanese god of storms

  birthed by Izanagi one day when he was washing his nose.

  So one day Susanoo gets kicked out of heaven for being too rowdy

  and on his way out he goes to say good-bye to his sister Amaterasu.

  Now, Susanoo and Amaterasu are not on the best of terms

  so Amaterasu thinks her bro might be trying to play one last prank on her on his way out

  but Susanoo is like “No, sis, I just wanna say good-bye.

  Here, let me prove my sincerity to you

  by engaging you in a VERY WEIRD CONTEST.”

  So what they do

  is they each pick an inanimate object

  and see how many gods they can make the object give birth to

  because in ancient Japan

  causing unlikely things to give birth

  is a time-honored tradition.

  In fact, having babies the normal way is considered kinda gauche.

  So Amaterasu picks Susanoo’s sword

  and she makes it give birth to three chicks

  and meanwhile Susanoo is using his sister’s necklace to make five dudes

  and then Susanoo is like “Well, I guess I win

  because my sword was what gave birth to chicks

  and chicks are worth double points.”

  And for some reason they don’t argue over this at all

  and everything is great.

  BUT NOT FOR LONG

  because seeing as he is the god of storms

  it takes all of six seconds for Susanoo to start making bad decisions.

  Everyone is basically just going around minding their own business

  when WHAM WHAM WIMMY WOZZLE

  here comes Susanoo, shitting on everybody’s rice fields

  then he cuts up a pony and throws it at his sister’s loom

  and then kills one of her attendants for no good reason.

  Basically you can tell he didn’t spend very long planning this rampage

  but even so, it ends up being so horrible that his sister crawls into a cave and refuses to come out.

  So of course now he gets exiled for REAL

  and on the way out he figures he should get some groceries

  so he hits up the food goddess for some food

  and she hooks him up with all kinds of stuff

  but apparently she is taking all of this stuff out of really gross places on her body

  and Susanoo is not okay with that

  so he kills her.

  GREAT JOB, DICK.

  WHERE IS ALL THE FOOD GONNA COME FROM NOW?

  But it’s okay

  because since she is the food goddess

  her whole dead body immediately turns into food

  so like

  silkworms come out of her head

  and rice comes out of her eyes

  and small beans come out of her nose

  and millet comes out of her ears

  and barley shoots out of her junk

  and then large beans come out of her fundament

  which is what my sourcebook seems to think a butt is called.

  So that all turns out okay

  but now Susanoo is FOR REAL TRIPLE EXILED

  So he’s wandering around down on Earth

  when he sees this man and woman crying all over their daughter

  and he’s like “Whoa, whoa, stop that.

  What’s going on?”

  And they’re like “Well, see we used to have eight daughters

  but every year for the last seven years

  one of our daughters has been eaten by the YAMATA NO OROCHI.”

  And Susanoo is like “Uhh, what is that?”

  And they’re like “WELL.

  It’s a snake

  but instead of one head, it has eight

  and instead of one tail, it has eight

  and instead of being normal snake size it is as long as eight hills and eight valleys.

  ARE YOU BEGINNING TO NOTICE A THEME?

  Also, moss grows on its back and its eyes are like cherries

  I don’t know how the world turtle and Santa Claus got mixed in here

  but HOLY CANNOLI THIS THING IS SCARY.”

  And Susanoo is like “Pshaw, my friends

  I am your local god of storms

  romping and stomping is what I DO.

  How about you let me have your daughter and I will kill this big snake?”

  And the parents

  (who are names are Foot-Stroker and Hand-Stroker)

  are like “Okay, sure, sweet.”

  So immediately Susanoo goes WAZZAP KAGOW

  and turns the daughter

  (whose name is Beautiful-Rice-Field-Princess)

  into a comb

  which he immediately stuffs in his hair

  presumably to keep her safe

  but more likely because he has no idea how sex actually works.

  We are talking about guy who has made a career out of forcing necklaces to give birth.

  And then he’s like “ALL RIGHT, GUYS

  HERE’S THE PLAN:

  I need you to build eight gates

  and eight pedestals to put behind the eight gates

  and I want you to make eight pots

  full of booze that has been distilled EIGHT TIMES

  because we’re kind of on a roll with the whole eight thing

  and then I want you to set that all up for me

  and we should be good.”

  So they set all that stuff up

  and pretty soon the snake comes along

  and it smells the octuple-distilled booze and it is like “OH DAMN

  LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS HAVING A PARTY.

  TIME TO TRANSFER THE ENTIRE LIQUOR CONTENT OF THAT PARTY INTO MY BODY.”

  Which is basically what I yell every time I show up to a party.

  But yeah, the snake gets absolutely trashed in all eight of its heads

  and then they passes out

  at which point Susanoo just strolls by

  idly decapitating each of the heads in succession

  except he only gets halfway

  when his sword hits something and TOTALLY BREAKS.

  Oh wait, it’s fine.

  It turns out what he broke his sword on is just A BRAND-NEW SWORD

  so it looks like it all worked out in the end.

  Pretty soon after that they let him back into heaven

  because who is going to argue with a guy who just decapitated a snake eight times?

  So the moral of the story

  is that no matter what shape or size

  drunk animals are ALWAYS hilarious.

  AMATERASU AND THE CRIPPLING DEPRESSION

  So, Amaterasu is hiding in a cave.

  She is doing this because this is what you do when your brother is the god of storms

  and he does things like tear up ponies and shit in rice fields for absolutely no reason.

  This is a problem.

  This is a problem b
ecause Amaterasu is the sun

  and the sun is important for things, like

  for example

  organic life.

  But no one can talk Amaterasu out of her sadhole

  no matter how many funny voices they do

  and the gods are all starting to get pretty nervous

  because how are they going to have sweet beach parties without the sun?

  So they have a big meeting of all the gods

  and that is quite a thing

  because there are about EIGHT HUNDRED GODS.

  Yeah

  Shintos don’t mess around.

  And all of these gods sit down and they start brainstorming

  and I don’t think they ever got more than halfway through brainstorming

  because here is what they end up doing:

  They get a mirror

  and a giant necklace

  and some cherry bark

  and they put it on some tree they found

  and then they get this chick named Ama-no-Uzumi

  whose name means “DREAD CELESTIAL FEMALE”

  to do a silly dance on a washtub until everybody is just laughing their holy asses off.

  Okay, so far it sounds like a pretty good party

  but where does the plan come in?

  Well, see, what happens

  is that Amaterasu hears everybody having a good time

  and she comes out of her cave like “Hey wait, why is everybody so happy?

  Last thing I remember

  some dude was chucking dead horses through everything.”

  And all the other gods are like “Oh we are SO over that now.

  Now we are all about this new goddess we found.

  She is SOOOO much prettier than you it is amazing.

  Look, check it out.”

  And then they hold up the mirror

  and Amaterasu thinks that her reflection is a DIFFERENT PERSON.

  You heard it here first, my friends

  the sun is on the same level intellectually

  as that puppy you had when you were five

  you know

  the one that kept beating its head against the hall mirror because it was trying to play with itself.

  So Amaterasu is so into her own radiant glory

  that she can’t stop herself from walking toward the mirror

  and meanwhile some other gods are creeping along behind her

  roping off her escape route so she HAS to go back into the sky

  and then she does

  and everyone is free to get as many sunburns as they can handle.

  So the moral of the story