Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

  is don’t wear reflective clothing

  because the sun will think you are her

  and then she will incinerate you while trying to make your acquaintance.

  TANUKIS HAVE BIG BALLS

  So tanukis:

  First of all, tanukis are a type of animal that is as adorable as a bullet train full of kittens

  (assuming that conveying things at high speed makes them more adorable).

  Second of all they are a cross between raccoons and dogs

  making them utterly terrifying ur-bastards of the highest caliber.

  Third of all, they have the BIGGEST TESTICLES POSSIBLE.

  This is not a metaphor.

  These dudes were rooting through the bargain bin at Balls City

  where they unearthed a whole case of super deluxe triple XL men-tronomes

  and then proceeded to use the ungodly influx of testosterone

  to go EVERYWHERE and cause ALL THE PROBLEMS.

  Seriously, the Japanese cannot stop making statues of these little jerks

  getting wrecked in straw hats then dropping ludicrously ill beats

  drummed out on their DISTENDED MANBULGES.

  Think I’m making this up?

  I dare you to put down this book right now

  and go look up “tanuki testicles” on Google image search.

  Yep

  those guys on the second row are using their balls to bludgeon large fish to death.

  You’re welcome.

  BUT YOU DID NOT BUY THIS BOOK TO HEAR ME WAX POETIC ABOUT RACCOON BALLS

  (or if you did then you have oddly specific taste in literature.)

  So here is a myth about a tanuki:

  Okay, so a tanuki gets married to a fox and they have a baby

  but they are having problems finding food because their forest is WAYYY overhunted.

  And they’re about to starve to death when the tanuki is suddenly like “Oh wait

  we have magical shape-shifting powers.

  Man, it is so great being a mythological creature.”

  So the fox shape-shifts into a dude and the tanuki shape-shifts into a dead tanuki

  and the fox carries the tanuki into town and is like “Hey, guys, who wants to buy a tanuki?”

  And everyone is like “I WILL GIVE YOU A HUNDRED BUCKS FOR THAT TESTICLE DOG.”

  And the fox is like “SOLD.”

  Then she uses the money to go buy a ton of food

  and meanwhile the tanuki escapes from the house of the dude that bought him and goes home.

  But one of the sucky things about food

  is that it gets eaten and then it turns into poop

  and so eventually they need to come up with a plan to get more food.

  So the fox is like “All right, well I should probably be the dead body this time

  because it would be kinda suspicious if I walked into town again and tried to sell the same tanuki.”

  So the tanuki turns into a peasant dude

  and the fox turns into a dead fox

  and the tanuki carries the fox into town.

  But oh no

  it looks like some of those leviathan testicle veins have burrowed into the tanuki’s skull

  because this is the point where his balls seize control of his entire brain

  and start hammering on the button marked “BAD DECISIONS.”

  See, he gets into town and he negotiates a sale

  and then he’s like “You know one of the bad things about a wife

  is you have to share food with her

  so how about I tell the dude I’m selling my wife to that she’s still alive

  and then he’ll kill her and I’ll live happily ever after!”

  So he does that terrible thing and the guy kills the fox with a brick

  and then the tanuki celebrates his newfound bachelorhood by going out and getting TRASHED

  and he stumbles back home to his son at like three a.m.

  and the kid is like “Hey, Dad what happened to mom?”

  And the tanuki is like “Uh, well

  whatever it was, it definitely had nothing to do with me purposefully getting her bricked to death.”

  And the kid is like “Uh, sure.”

  But as the days go by the kid starts to get more and more suspicious

  and also the tanuki is being a huge dick and not sharing any food with him

  so he’s really got no love for this dude whatsoever

  and finally one day he’s like “Yo, Dad

  you know mom taught me all her magical secrets before she died?”

  And the tanuki is like “Bullshit. Prove it.”

  And the kid is like “Okay. How about you go to a bridge in the forest

  and I will shape-shift into something and try to cross the bridge

  and if you can recognize me, you win.”

  and the tanuki is like “YOU’RE ON, SON.”

  So he goes to this bridge in the middle of the woods

  and a few minutes later his son shows up

  but his son doesn’t cross the bridge.

  He just chills out by the far end of the bridge and waits for his dad to screw himself

  and sure enough, here comes the local king on his chariot of jewels and human misery

  and the tanuki is like “HAHAHA, NICE TRY, SON.

  YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU

  AS A PROCESSION OF NOBLEMEN AND ALSO A CHARIOT.

  ALLOW ME TO RUN UP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.”

  And the king is like “Okay, why is a raccoon dog trying to blackjack me with his ballsack?

  Guards, I believe you are trained to handle wild animals and their comically large genitals?”

  And the guards are like “SIR YES SIR.”

  And they throw the tanuki into the river where he proceeds to die like a chump.

  After that, I guess the kid starves to death

  because he just killed his only surviving family member

  and now who is he going to pretend to sell to the villagers?

  So the moral of the story

  is that although the temptation may be great

  you should not assume that everybody you meet is a shape-shifter.

  It is almost as dangerous as not assuming everyone you meet is a shape-shifter.

  AFRICAN

  Okay, so Africa

  it’s a big place

  full of a lot of dudes with a lot of myths

  so it’s not like there is this big established canon of pure uncut AFRICAN MYTHOLOGY

  more like there’s a bunch of little African mythologies scattered all over the place

  but like every single one of my girlfriends has told me with a smile and a pat on the back

  “It’s not the size that matters

  but if you ARE gonna have a tiny penis, you gotta at least be really freaky in bed to make up for it.”

  Uh

  anyway

  what I’m trying to say is that I can’t tell all the myths from all the mythologies here

  so I’m just gonna pick all the sweetest ones

  in order to give you what I hope is a balanced picture of what I think is the main through-line of African mythology:

  ordinary dudes

  making ordinary mistakes

  except those ordinary dudes happen to be gods so then there’s problems.

  OBATALA HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM

  So there’s this dude Obatala.

  He’s one of the orisha

  which are basically a bunch of gods that exploded out of some other god’s corpse

  when one of his slaves dropped a big rock on him.

  So, already this story is shapi
ng up to be pretty sweet

  but then it hits a major roadblock real fast:

  Obatala wants to make a world

  but he has NO IDEA HOW TO DO IT.

  Frankly, I find the realism in this myth to be highly refreshing.

  I mean, can any of us honestly say we know the first thing about creating a world?

  Oh, look at me, I’m Ra

  let me just will myself into being out of nothing

  and then create land with nothing but my left nut and PURE GUMPTION.

  NO.

  THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS.

  You have to SIT YOUR ASS DOWN and you have to BRAINSTORM.

  So that’s what Obatala does.

  He hits up his buddy Olorun, the sky god

  and he’s like “Yo, Olorun I wanna make a world with some people in it.”

  and Olorun, who is the king of the gods

  is like “Oh man, that sounds great

  but it also sounds REALLY HARD.

  Do you have any plans? Like some blueprints or something?”

  And Obatala is like “Uhh . . .

  I’ll get back to you.”

  So at this point Obatala really only has one option

  and that is to go see Orunmila, their resident fortune-teller.

  So Obatala goes over to Orunmila’s house and Orunmila is like “Duuuude!

  I can totally tell you how to make a world.

  Let’s go into my back room and stare at my nuts for a while.”

  (He tells fortunes by throwing palm nuts and reading their patterns

  but I failed to clarify that because I was looking for an excuse to write “stare at my nuts.”)

  So after peering intently into his nuts for a while

  Orunmila is like “All right, dude here’s what you gotta do:

  Step one

  descend down to Earth on a GOLD CHAIN ATTACHED TO THE SKY.

  Oh man

  that would make such a sweet album cover.

  Uh, uh . . . STEP TWO!

  Go down to Earth carrying a hen, a black cat a palm nut, and a snail shell full of sand.”

  And Obatala is like “What?”

  And Orunmila is like “What?

  Sorry, dude, I’m pretty high right now.”

  But it’s not like Obatala has any better ideas

  so he goes about trying to make this ultimate gold chain

  but he doesn’t have NEARLY enough gold

  so he gives the gold he DOES have to the celestial goldsmith

  and then he goes all over the sky, collecting investors.

  He’s like “GUYS

  GUYS.

  Have I got a deal for YOU!

  So I don’t know if you’ve noticed

  but there’s a whole world of untapped real estate down underneath this sky place.

  Why, I ask you

  are we totally underutilizing this prime acreage

  when AS WE SPEAK

  dudes could be down there CAUSING PROBLEMS??

  Think about it

  a whole world full of wretched, fleshy problem machines

  for you to set on fire and put your dicks in.”

  And all the gods are like “SIGN ME UP.”

  So Obatala goes back to the jewel smith with a big sack full of gold

  but it STILL won’t quite reach the Earth

  so Obatala is just like “Screw it, man just make it as long as you can.

  I’ll figure something out.

  There’s gotta be some reason I exploded out of my dad’s corpse, right?”

  And then he takes the chicken, the cat, the palm nut and the snail shell full of sand

  and he starts climbing down to Earth.

  I am kinda curious where he got the chicken and stuff from

  seeing as there is not really any land or animal life or anything

  but I’ll let it slide.

  THIS TIME.

  So he gets down to the bottom of the chain

  and he can’t quite reach the dim, watery morass that is the whole world

  so he’s trying to figure out what to do

  when here comes Orunmila’s voice from the sky like “Duuuude:

  Empty out that snail shell.”

  So he does, and the sand falls down below him and it makes some land

  and then Orunmila is like “Duuuude:

  Drop your chicken on the sand.”

  You know what this feels like?

  This feels like one of those adventure games

  where you spend like seventeen hours wandering around the haunted mansion

  with a backpack full of junk and a heart full of fury

  because you didn’t think to stuff the pigeon in the jukebox or something.

  Like, how was Obatala supposed to figure this shit out?

  But anyway, he drops the chicken

  and the chicken kicks the sand all over the place

  and it turns into all the land

  and then Obatala drops down there with the cat

  but then he’s totally out of ideas

  so he just kinda sits there and waits for something to happen.

  About a week later Olorun sends one of his dudes to see what’s up

  and Obatala is like “Man, I dunno.

  This seemed like a great idea, but it’s really dark down here and I’m starting to lose motivation.”

  So this message gets passed along to Olorun

  who is just like “Oh, no problem. Boom.”

  And he makes the sun.

  Are you telling me this dude knew how to make the sun all along

  but couldn’t figure out how to populate the damn Earth?

  Well, whatever.

  What’s important is that Obatala gets super jazzed by all the sunlight

  and he plants that palm nut

  and it turns into a palm tree

  and then he decides to make a bunch of humans out of clay

  because he forgot that that was why he came down here in the first place.

  So he’s working on the hot sun sculpting all these dudes

  and he gets pretty thirsty

  so he starts drinking some palm wine

  because it’s not like he’s SURROUNDED BY WATER or anything.

  So he’s sculpting all the dudes

  and drinking all the wine

  and by the time he’s sculpted the last dude

  he is so tipsy he is basically like a one-man teeter-totter

  like if he were to breathe into a Breathalyzer

  the BREATHALYZER would get drunk.

  Dude is triggity-trashed, is what I am trying to say.

  So Obatala goes and passes out and sleeps off all that wine

  and when he wakes up he goes to admire all the dudes he made

  but he notices that some of the dudes got a little messed up

  because he was so totally plastered when he was molding them.

  Actually, they’re more than a little messed up

  because this is where shit like POLIO and BLINDNESS comes from.

  Great job, Lushy McDrunkenstein

  you invented birth defects.

  Huzzah!

  But to his credit

  Obatala does feel REALLY bad about all this

  and I don’t know whether it’s his guilt

  or the WICKED hangover he must be dealing with

  but he is like “Ugh

  I am NEVER drinking again.”

  And then he doesn’t

  and he also devotes his life to helping crippled dudes

  so I guess it turns out okay.

  So the moral of the story

 
is that if you die and it turns out reincarnation exists

  try to come back as a cat

  because that little bastard got a free pass to Earth and he didn’t have to do SHIT.

  LOCAL FATHER DISCOVERS IMMORTALITY WITH THIS ONE WEIRD TIP!

  One day Anansi the Ashanti spider-man is dicking around in the wilderness outside his town

  and he gets bored and thirsty

  and he sees this house with an old man sitting on the porch.

  Now, when I say old

  I mean OLLLLD

  this guy makes the Crypt Keeper look like Natalie fucking Portman.

  So Anansi walks up to this old man

  and he’s like “Excuse me, you fugly sonofabitch

  can I get some ice-cold drinking water?”

  And the old man doesn’t say anything.

  So Anansi is like

  “I said: CAN I GET SOME ICY COLD WATER PRODUCT UP IN HERE?”

  And the old man says nothing.

  So Anansi is like “Please continue sitting motionless if you want me to go inside and raid your fridge.”

  And the old man says nothing

  so Anansi goes inside and has a gay old time.

  He has such a gay time that he comes back the next day

  and the next day

  just straight up pillaging this dude’s pantry.

  And I don’t know what this dude has in his pantry

  but whatever it is, it must be pretty good

  ’cause one day Anansi brings his eldest daughter with him to the house

  and he is like “Thank you so much for all this free food, creepy silent old guy.

  To thank you, here is my eldest daughter.

  You guys are married now. Have fun.

  Also, daughter?

  Go inside and make me a sandwich.”

  And then he eats the sandwich and leaves his daughter and goes home.

  So the next day he goes back for more free food

  and maybe to see his daughter, I guess.

  But his daughter isn’t there.

  WHERE DID SHE GO?

  He knows she likes to play hide-and-seek so he starts looking all over the house

  and finally he goes and looks in the last possible place

  THE OVEN

  and what does he find in there?

  THE WEDDING RING HE GAVE HIS DAUGHTER.

  So he runs outside to the old man like “HEY ASSHOLE

  WHY DID YOU TAKE OFF MY DAUGHTER’S WEDDING RING?

  SHIT WAS EXPENSIVE.”

  And the old man FINALLY starts talking.