Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

  He’s all “Do you know who I am?

  I’m Death.

  You showed up at my house

  you ate all my food

  and then you married me to a gross ugly spider chick without my consent

  so I ATE YOUR DAUGHTER

  and now I am also going to eat YOU.”

  And Anansi is like “No no no.

  I like not having consequences for my actions.

  This seems like a consequence. This is terrible.”

  So he starts running.

  He figures Death is probably pretty slow given how old he is

  but no, he’s keeping up

  and Anansi starts getting tired, so he climbs a tree

  and he’s about to jump to another tree

  when he looks down and sees Death just standing there

  because guess what, guys:

  DEATH CANNOT CLIMB TREES.

  I guess this explains why squirrels are immortal?

  So the personification of death itself is just standing at the bottom of this tree

  and he starts chucking everything in arm’s reach at Anansi

  and eventually he runs out of shit to throw

  and goes to find more shit

  at which point Anansi jumps out of the tree and books it for his house, screaming “HEY, HEY

  WIFE AND KIDS:

  CLIMB UP TO THE CEILING

  DEATH IS COMING.

  MY WILD IRRESPONSIBLITY HAS ONCE AGAIN ENDANGERED MY ENTIRE FAMILY

  AM I, PERHAPS

  THE BEST HUSBAND AND FATHER?”

  And his wife is like

  “WHAT’S THAT?

  I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF OUR FOUR STARVING CHILDREN

  STUCK HERE ALL DAY WHILE YOU RAID DEATH’S KITCHEN FOR YOURSELF.”

  And Anansi is like “FINE. I’ll take them up to the ceiling MYSELF.”

  So he runs into the house and drags everybody up to the ceiling

  and Death runs in after him and sees everyone up on the ceiling

  and he can’t do a thing about it except pull up a chair

  grab a burlap sack

  and just sit there

  waiting.

  So it’s not too long before Anansi’s youngest son starts losing his grip on the ceiling.

  Wait. Since when has a spider had ceiling problems?

  Spiders LIVE on my fucking ceiling.

  THEY WON’T LEAVE.

  The only explanation is that these spiders are like . . . reverse Spider-Man

  with all the disadvantages of a spider

  coupled with all the disadvantages of a man.

  So anyway, this kid is like “DADDY, HELP!”

  And Anansi is like “HOLD ON, JUNIOR.

  IF YOU FALL, DEATH WILL EAT YOU.”

  So Junior falls

  and Death catches him and is like “I’m only after your dad, kid.

  But I’m still gonna stick you in this burlap sack.”

  Then Anansi’s youngest daughter falls off

  and the same thing happens

  and again and again

  until it’s just Anansi up there

  and he’s about to lose his grip

  when he goes “WAIT!

  DEATH!

  I am SOOOO FAT

  from eating SOOO MUCH OF YOUR FOOD.

  If I fall to the floor I’m totally going to explode on impact

  and then what are you gonna eat?

  Spider guts?

  Gross.

  What you SHOULD do

  is go get my big barrel of flour from the kitchen and put it under me

  so that when I fall, you get a nice breading on me.”

  So Death is like “Dur, okay.

  Just let me leave you alone in the room real quick.”

  And Anansi is like “YESSSS.

  Man, I am such a genius. Holy shit!

  I can’t believe I have LITERALLY CHEATED DEATH with my sheer genius!”

  But by the time Anansi is done congratulating himself Death has come back in with the barrel

  and Anansi is like “Balls.”

  But all is not lost

  because when Death leans over the barrel to make sure it’s centered

  Anansi drops down on the back of his head

  which freaks him out

  because, you know

  spider on his head

  and in the resulting confusion and flour-induced blindness

  Anansi is able to grab his wife and kids and run out the door

  and he’s been escaping Death ever since.

  Actually, that’s why those spiders won’t leave my ceiling.

  It’s because Death still hasn’t figured out how to use ladders.

  So now you know, guys.

  The secret to immortality

  is to duct tape yourself to the ceiling

  You’re welcome.

  ESHU ELEGBA IS PROBABLY THE LAST DUDE YOU WANT APPROVING YOUR FRIENDSHIP

  Okay, so there’s this dude Eshu Elegba, right?

  He’s one of the main gods in the Yoruba pantheon

  and also a pretty crazy dude.

  Basically, he is what it would be like

  if Loki was pretty much allowed to run his whole pantheon.

  He is associated mainly with roads, trickery, pipe-smoking, and dongs.

  The last two may be interrelated.

  Hell, the last three.

  You know what?

  Everything is related to dongs.

  MOVING ON.

  So there are these two farmers.

  They are best buds, and they live across the street from each other.

  So one day they’re sitting out on their respective porches

  enjoying the sunshine and each others’ companionship

  when Eshu Elegba walks by real fast

  and the farmer on the north side of the road is like “Dude, did you see that guy just now?

  The one with the red hat?”

  and the farmer on the south side of the street is like “Uh, I saw a guy

  but he was wearing a BLUE AND WHITE hat.

  I think maybe you’ve had too much to drink.”

  And the first farmer is like “Guess again, shit eyes.

  That guy’s hat was clearly red.”

  And the second farmer is like “YOU are the one with shit for eyes.”

  And the first farmer is like “I’LL SHIT IN YOUR EYES.”

  And just then, Eshu Elegba walks past in the other direction

  and the first farmer is like “Holy balls, you’re right.

  The dude’s hat IS blue and white.”

  And the second guy is like “What are you talking about?

  YOU are the one who is right.

  That guy’s hat is CLEARLY red.”

  And the first farmer is like “YOU KNOW WHAT’S RED?

  MY FIST

  AFTER I USE IT TO RIP YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART FROM YOUR CHEST.”

  And the other guy is all “NOT AS RED AS HIS HAT, YOU SHANDY-PANCAKE.”

  and the first guy is like “WHAT THE HELL IS A SHANDY-PANCAKE?”

  and the second guy is like “I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS

  TO CUT YOUR FACE OFF WITH IT.”

  And then the neighbors show up like “Okay, guys, enough is enough.

  We’re gonna take you both to the king and let him sort it out.”

  So they go all the way to the king

  and they get into the throne room

  and then Eshu shows up like “POOF KLAZAM, DICKHEADS.”

  And they see his hat from the front

  because I guess they n
ever tried to look at him

  while he was RUNNING TOWARD OR AWAY FROM THEM

  and WHAT DO YOU KNOW:

  IT’S HALF RED AND HALF WHITE/BLUE

  IT IS BASICALLY THE ULTIMATE U.S.A. PARTY FEDORA

  and Elegba is like “Guess what, guys:

  YOU JUST GOT PUNK’D.

  This is what happens when you make a new friend without consulting me first

  BECAUSE I’M ELEGBA

  APPROVER OF FRIENDSHIPS.

  JK, guys, I actually just kinda wanted to see a fight.

  CAUSING STRIFE IS MY GREATEST JOY.”

  And then he runs off and everyone is like “Wow.

  Who put that dude in charge of the universe?”

  Which is a question I think has been asked many times about pretty much every god.

  So the moral of the story

  is make sure to eat your carrots

  because good eyesight may just save your friendship.

  CHINESE

  So considering how the current official religion of China

  seems to be something like “Stand still while we bulldoze your house to build this dam”

  it’s hard to put a finger on the relationship between ancient Chinese tales

  and any specific religion.

  In fact

  the way it really works

  is that wayyy back in the day, some dudes got together and made up some sweet stories

  but they kinda forgot to attach a religion to them

  so then later on, all these other religions came along

  like Taoism and Confucianism and Buddhism

  they were all like “Whoa, these myths are pretty sweet!

  Let’s steal them!”

  So all the tropes of the old myths got repurposed to make the points of all these new religions

  and meanwhile

  a whole bunch of the old myths made it through more or less intact

  so in this section

  I’m gonna try to give you a little taste of all the different religions

  that bastardized Chinese mythology

  just like I’m about to.

  PAN GU IS A PRETTY BIG DUDE

  Okay, so Pan Gu, right?

  Apparently he was a dude living inside an egg back in the day.

  Where was the egg, you ask?

  Probably in China

  because that is where this myth is from.

  BZZ

  WRONG.

  CHINA DOESN’T EXIST YET IN THIS STORY.

  THIS IS A CREATION MYTH

  TRY TO KEEP UP.

  Actually this egg is pretty much all there is anywhere

  and inside the egg is all this cool stuff

  like lava and birds and mountains and boobs

  and also this dude Pan Gu, like I said.

  But even though Pan Gu literally has access to EVERYTHING THERE IS

  he gets pretty bored inside this egg

  and he’s like “OKAY, THAT’S ENOUGH.”

  and he picks up an ax and breaks that egg in half LIKE A BOSS.

  Then he proceeds to have an EIGHTEEN-THOUSAND-YEAR growth spurt

  constantly holding the top of the egg balanced on his head in the process

  which basically turns the top of the egg into the sky

  and the bottom into the earth.

  It is very important that Pan Gu maintain proper posture

  because otherwise we’re all pooched.

  But so yeah then his beard turns into forests and whatnot.

  I think his bone marrow turns into rubies also

  and something about his breath and wind and birds.

  Whatever.

  This dude is literally everything

  so you can kind of assume that if there is a thing

  it probably came about as a result of one of Pan Gu’s bodily processes.

  But the best part is where humans come from

  because apparently

  humans are the lice that come off this dude’s corpse when he dies.

  Yep

  we are all lice, ladies and gentlemen.

  So the moral of the story is

  never bathe

  because it is genocide.

  CHANG’E IS A SUBSTANCE ABUSER

  Okay, so you guys know about the sun, right?

  It’s this big ball of fire and explosions that flies around giving people cancer.

  But did you know there used to be TEN SUNS?

  Yeah

  it SUCKED.

  It sucked so bad that Di Jun (aka Chinese Zeus)

  (aka the father of all these rambunctious suns)

  (Get it? Suns? Sons? It’s brilliant.)

  had no idea what to do

  so here’s what went down:

  There’s this really great archer named Hou Yi

  and he’s chilling in his heavenly crib with his wife Chang’e

  and all of a sudden the phone rings and it’s Di Jun.

  Hou Yi is like “Yo, Di Jun, my man, what’s cookin’?”

  And Di Jun is like “My friend the entire Earth is cooking.

  You could fry an egg on a goddamn glacier right about now

  and it ain’t none of this sous-vide bullshit or nothing.

  This is honest-to-goodness summer backyard barbecue

  except instead of a big plate of watermelon on the back porch

  everyone’s skin is melting off.

  Can you solve this problem for me?”

  And Hou Yi is like “You got it, buddy.”

  So Hou Yi grabs his trusty arrows and goes outside

  and just kills nine out of the ten suns

  and then he stares at the tenth sun real hard and he’s like

  “You best behave, sun.”

  And the sun is like “OKAY DUDE, NO PROBLEM.”

  And promptly dives underground and takes the subway home

  and Hou Yi is like “Well, that was easy.

  You’re welcome, Di Jun.”

  And Di Jun is like “WHAT THE HELL, DUDE

  YOU JUST KILLED 90 PERCENT OF MY SUNS.

  I MEAN SONS.

  I MEAN TECHNICALLY BOTH, BUT WHATEVER.”

  And Hou Yi is like “Dude, do you even know who you called to solve your problem?

  You called Hou Yi the immortal archer.

  And you know what they say:

  When the only tool you have is a hammer

  every problem starts to look like you can solve it by shooting your friend’s sons.

  Ummm, I think I may have mixed my metaphors a little bit.”

  And Di Jun is like “DAMN RIGHT YOU DID.

  I AM HEREBY REVOKING YOUR IMMORTALITY.

  ALSO:

  YOUR WIFE’S IMMORTALITY.”

  And Chang’e is like “Wait, what did I do?”

  So now Hou Yi and Chang’e are both mortal

  and Chang’e will NOT stop bitching about it for good reason.

  So finally Hou Yi is like “GRR, FINE.

  I will go get us some immortality.”

  So he goes all the way to the west

  and he finds Xiwangmu, the good witch of the west

  who gives him a couple pills of immortality

  and she’s like “Careful, dude.

  This is some heavy shit.

  Don’t take too much.”

  And Hou Yi is like “Sure, no problem.”

  And then proceeds to go home and leave all the pills with his wife

  while he goes out to shoot more things with arrows.

  Now, different tellers of this story ascribe different motivations to Chang’e here.

  Some say she was a g
reedy twank who wanted all the immortality for herself.

  Some say that there were some robbers and she took all the pills to spite them.

  Some say she got hungry and confused.

  Whatever the reason, the point is that Hou Yi isn’t gone for fifteen seconds

  before all the pills are in his wife’s mouth

  at which point she proceeds to have THE ULTIMATE OVERDOSE.

  But instead of throwing up and then dying

  which would be SILLY

  Chang’e becomes TOO IMMORTAL

  and apparently immortality = buoyancy

  so she floats to the moon

  and her husband comes home and sees her floating to the moon

  and he’s about to take out his bow and try to shoot her down

  but everyone is all “NO, HOU YI

  SOMETIMES YOU CANNOT SOLVE PROBLEMS BY SHOOTING THEM.”

  And Hou Yi is like “Seriously?

  Why did nobody tell me this before?”

  and then his wife lives on the moon with a rabbit forever

  and later another guy named Wu Gang gets sent there.

  He’s like Sisyphus except with a tree instead of a rock

  and chopping it down instead of pushing it up a hill.

  So the moral of the story

  is don’t do drugs

  unless you wanna wake up on the moon

  with nothing but a rabbit and a deranged lumberjack to keep you company.

  Take it from me, man.

  Take it from me.

  FEI CHANG-FANG AND THE POOP MYSTIC

  Okay, you are about to hear a story about magic and poop

  and I wish I could say that the magic was the most important part.

  So Fei Chang-Fang is a dude who is interested in the Tao from a very early age

  and then at a slightly less early age he becomes a police officer

  but then he quits because fuck the police.

  So then one day he is hanging out at a restaurant

  and he sees this old man come walking into the town square

  and the old man sits down and pulls some medicinal herbs

  (cough cough)

  out of a large gourd

  and proceeds to sell them all day.

  Now Chang-Fang, having just quit his job

  has nothing better to do than sit in the restaurant and watch this dude sell drugs all day

  and at the end of the day

  the old dude puts all his herbs back into the gourd

  and then SHOOP

  jumps into the gourd himself

  and Chang-Fang just sits there like