Smile, Alice

  The next morning, I shower and dress before leaving my room to go and see Joel. I’m not giving anyone the chance to accuse of me wanting sex. His door is slightly ajar, and I hear Joel talking with Damon.

  I shouldn’t, but I stop and listen in. Their new friendship intrigues me.

  “I upset your sister last night, I apologised but I don’t know if she really forgave me,” Damon says quietly.

  “What did you do?” I hear Joel ask.

  Damon better not tell him. It was humiliating I had to live through that conversation, I don’t want Joel thinking of me with the band in that way.

  “I asked her not to…get close to the guys in the band.”

  That’s a clean way of putting it.

  “She doesn’t get close with anyone; your band is safe from Alice.”

  “Is that because of your mother?”

  What? For the briefest moment, everything stops. She doesn’t have anything to do with anything concerning us, Damon shouldn’t even know she exists. What the hell has Joel been telling him?

  After our father died, she couldn’t cope with us. I was ten years old and Joel was six. We had to make our own meals, our clothes wouldn’t be washed for days and most days we had to go to school in dirty clothes and make our own pack-ups for lunch. She completely lost it and then she lost us, or so I thought. I used to blame the school for tipping off the social services and them taking us away, as useless as she was, at least we were all in the same house. It wasn’t until I turned eighteen I found out she was the one who made the call and gave us up.

  “We don’t speak about her often, but I think Alice does everything she can do not to be like her.”

  He’s too young to be making assessments like that, but he’s right. I’m fully aware how present she is in my life as I consciously do everything she wouldn’t and don’t do anything she has. I push the door open and act like I haven’t heard anything.

  “You two are up early,” I say, noting Joel is looking paler than usual.

  Damon has his little black notebook on his lap and he closes it when I sit beside Joel on the bed.

  “Did you sleep okay?” I ask Joel.

  “I slept hard, I always do after a show,” Damon smirks.

  “I was asking my brother.”

  “I slept okay.”

  “Have you…”

  “Yes, I’ve taken my pills and I ate a slice of toast,” he smiles, knowing exactly what I was going to ask.

  I spy him trying to hide his laptop from me and I pull it away from him and onto my lap. He’s on Facebook. It takes a minute to work out what I’m looking at.

  ‘My last days touring with Four Fallen Souls.’

  “What is this?” I ask, as icy chills slither down my spine.

  From what I’m seeing, he is using social media to document the end of his life and I do not like it.

  “I made a Facebook page to show everyone how cool I’ve got it. Damon gave me permission to use videos and photos of our time here with the band.”

  Oh, well, that’s okay. Not.

  He already has over nine hundred followers.

  I could cry, so many people are going to follow him as he flippantly posts about dying.

  “We have a while before we leave for New York, why don’t I take you both out and have a second breakfast?”

  “Sounds good, I’m starving,” I choke out, trying not to lose it.

  I put his laptop back beside him and climb off the bed.

  “Let me know if you need any help getting dressed. I’ll wait outside.”

  I manage to leave the room before a tear can escape. In the hall, I struggle to breathe, I struggle not to let the dam burst and let every tear I’ve ever kept in out, I struggle to keep it together.

  A warm hand squeezes my shoulder and rubs my back before falling away, leaving me with another chill.

  I wipe my eyes, and take a deep breath before I turn around and come face to face with Damon.

  “I could tell you needed out of there,” he murmurs, softly.

  “I don’t know why but he can still catch me off guard when he talks about dying so openly.”

  “I have to admit, it’s strange how together he keeps it. You’d think at his age, he’d be scared out of his mind.”

  “I’m scared enough for the both of us,” I admit, shakily.

  He shoves his hands in his jeans pockets and looks down at the floor, his actions distract me from Joel and he says, “I was a prick to you last night, I don’t want to add to your stresses so if you want to fuck someone in the band, go ahead. I can’t tell you what to do.”

  “Are you fucking serious?” I shriek, trying to be quiet so Joel doesn’t hear.

  I haven’t got the patience for this and it seriously makes me feel awkward.

  “Why do you think you can talk to me about my sex life?”

  He steps towards me and I back away, “You blushed when I said fuck last night, and you blushed just now. I take your mind off Joel when I talk to you like this, so if I have to make you blush to take your mind off other things, I will, and I’ll own your rosy red cheeks by the end of this tour.”

  Having said his piece, he leaves me open mouthed watching him walk away. He is unbelievable. He does make my heart race and I can feel my cheeks flaming from his words, hell, the sound of his voice has the ability to warm certain parts of me. But, and there will always be a but where he is concerned, he is a Rockstar and I’ll never believe a word he says when he’s flirting with me. I will not fall for his charms.

  Breakfast didn’t quite work out to be the distraction Damon hoped for. Joel got sick shortly after our food was brought over to the table and we had to go back to the house.

  He hasn’t had a good day today and the flight to New York didn’t help. I should’ve known today would be a bad day when I saw how pale he was this morning.

  “Say the word and I’ll take you home.”

  He’s tucked up in his bed in the hotel and I’m lying beside him, not wanting to take my eyes off him. I’m pleading with him, but it falls on deaf ears.

  “I’ll be better tomorrow, I may as well be dying here then stuck in the hospital or at home.”

  “Don’t say it like that,” I beg.

  It breaks my heart every time.

  “It’s the truth, Alice.”

  “The truth sucks.”

  His chuckle is taken over by a yawn and I sit up.

  “Get some sleep and rest.”

  He doesn’t need to be told twice and closes his eyes. I quietly leave him and close the door on my way out.

  “Is he okay?” Damon asks, sitting on the couch.

  “Not really, he’s going to sleep.”

  “I’ll sleep out here tonight in case he needs anything.”

  “You don’t need to do that, I’m going to make a bed up on his floor.”

  His head does that tilting thing he does sometimes and it’s like he sees straight through me when he stares.

  “I know it’s only been the two of you for a real long time and you’ve practically raised him yourself, but you can trust me to help him too.”

  I’m going to have a word with Joel in the morning, it’s all good him making friends with the rock stars, but they don’t need to know our business. It’s too personal and has nothing to do with this tour.

  “It upsets him to see you tired all the time, it makes him feel guilty,” he says, causing me to lose the feeling in my legs.

  I sit on the closest chair and a lone tear falls, I don’t try to stop it. I can’t stop it, I can’t move.

  “You two seem to talk a lot when I’m not around,” I mutter.

  Joel hasn’t had a male figure in his life that has taken time to talk to him on a guy to guy level. I like that he has this with Damon, but to me, it feels too much like an invasion of privacy. Plus, no one’s ever been interested in our life or what happens to us, why would Damon give a shit when no one else has?

  “When he wants to talk,
I’ll be there for him. I like him, he’s going through the shittiest time of his life and his realism and courage shines bright. I could see it in his letter he wrote to me and I could see it when I met him. I’ll be there for him as long as he needs me, granting him his wish is a fucking honour.”

  He’s being genuine, and it hurts.

  “He might not make it to the end of the tour and fulfil his wish.”

  I can’t believe I just said that.

  I choke on the words I want to say to cover up my blunder, but nothing comes out. He comes over and kneels before me, he grabs my hands and holds on tight.

  “He will, Alice. Believe he will. He’s stronger than you let him be, he wants to be here for his eighteenth which falls on the same day as our last show and we have plans. He’ll be here, I know it and he knows it. It’s what he fights for every day.”

  More tears fall, and I can’t bear the rock star to witness them, so I keep my eyes on his hands covering mine. Tattoos of skulls and crosses ink his skin and his fingers are covered in smaller tattoos that I can’t make out.

  “What plans?” I ask.

  “There not mine to tell,” he says.

  “Great, more secrets,” I sob, trying to make light of it.

  “One day, this will all make sense, I swear it to you. Let him do his thing, it’s making him happy.”

  “It’s too hard.”

  “I feel that, but you’re not alone anymore. I’ll already do anything for that kid, loosen your hold on him a little,” he urges.

  “How? I mean, you only met him a handful of days ago.”

  “Unlike you, I make friends all the time. Some become friends you see every now and then, but some you know are special. Joel is special to me.”

  I believe him, it’s bloody hard not to. Joel is more than special to me, he’s my only family. Alice and Joel, that’s us.

  I look down at our hands and relish in the safety and warmth they offer. I can’t even remember the last time I had someone care enough to hold me when I was upset.

  “It’s okay to cry, Alice. You keep those tears held up any longer and you’re gonna drown in them.”

  And that’s it, everything comes out. Everything I’ve wanted to cry about in the past comes out, tears I’ve held back for Joel so I can be strong for him, they come out. They blind me to everything. He wraps his arms around me and he’s like a cocoon of everything I need but normally would push away.

  My neck is stiff and my back clicks in five different places when I wake to the sun shine pouring through the large windows. My eyes are sore and heavy, and I’m sure when I see my reflection, they will be puffy. Oh god, I cried so much last night, and in front of Damon.

  Taking stock of where I am, I’m on the couch, tucked in under a blanket and cushions are gathered together as a pillow. I don’t remember falling asleep so that means, Damon put me here and tucked me in.

  I’m the only one in the living area and when I go through to Joel’s room, he’s still asleep and Damon is asleep on the floor beside the bed.

  The ice around my heart thaws a little at the sight of him. He knew I planned on sleeping close by and he took my place. A famous rock star, staying in a luxury hotel is sleeping on the floor for my brother.

  I creep across the room and bend down beside him, carefully nudging him until his eyes flutter open.

  He looks up at me, and his mouth curls up into a lazy smile.

  “Prettiest face I’ve ever woke up to,” he whispers, his voice still thick with sleep.

  “Okay,” I whisper back, completely doubting I’m the prettiest he’s seen out of all the women he’s seen first thing in the morning.

  “You should go to your room, you obviously need more sleep,” I grin, “Joel’s okay.”

  He strains to lift his head up to look on the bed, but he can’t see him from down here.

  I hold my hand out and offer to help him up, but we both know his strength far outweighs mine.

  The cover falls to the floor when he stands and he’s only wearing jogging bottoms. I hate when his bare chest captivates me into forgetting everything else exists.

  “Hey, my eyes are up here, darling,” he whispers.

  I roll my eyes and make a point of staring into his ridiculously beautiful green eyes.

  “Huh,” he grunts.

  “What?”

  “You only blush when I catch you.”

  I pick up his pillow and throw it at him, he catches it easily enough and laughs.

  “What are you whispering about?” Joel moans behind me.

  Thank God, he’s awake now, who knows where the rock star would’ve taken this conversation next.

  “I was asking your sister for a massage, my back is knotted to fuck,” Damon tells him, stretching said back out.

  “No, he wasn’t,” I quickly clarify, throwing my best glare at him.

  “Yes, I was,” he smirks, cocking his eyebrow.

  Joel laughs at the both of us and sits up, leaning against the plush headboard.

  “Okay, you can leave now,” I say to Damon and near enough push him out of the room.

  Once I’m alone with Joel, I begin folding Damon’s cover and place it on the end of the bed with the pillow on top.

  “How much have you told Damon about us?”

  “Bits and bobs,” is all he says, and I know he’s lying.

  When he’s telling the truth, he gives me specific details. He turns his laptop on and becomes quickly distracted with whatever is on the screen.

  “No way, come and look at this, Alice.”

  His tone has me moving around the bed and I sit beside him and see he has his Facebook page up.

  He’s pointing to the number of likes he’s woken up to and it’s up to two thousand, six hundred and ninety-seven likes.

  “People are sharing it,” he beams, “Look, the notifications are coming through as we speak. I need to upload a video.”

  “A video of what?” I ask.

  “Quick, pass me the camera,” he says, ignoring me.

  I grab it off the night-stand and pass it over to him, not understanding the urgency. His movements are swift, and he has the thing turned on and ready to go in seconds.

  “Wow,” he says, filming himself, “I’ve just opened my eyes to another day on planet earth with you guys and found over two thousand of you are following my page. We’re in New York today, ready for the show tonight. I had a bad day yesterday, so I hope I don’t flake out today and miss it.”

  He stops when Maggie walks in holding a tray of his breakfast and his medication. She puts it on his lap and he flips the screen to record it all.

  “Enjoy your breakfasts, mine is porridge and pills. Look at them all, I’m surprised I don’t rattle when I walk,” he laughs, and I roll my eyes.

  “Okay, so I’ve got to go take this lot and I struggle to swallow them. It’s not a pretty sight you want to see. I’ll check in later. Joel, over and out and still alive.”

  He salutes the camera and turns it off.

  “I wish you wouldn’t say that.”

  “It’s better than being, over and out and dead.”

  I hand him his first pill and the glass of water. He’s never been good at taking them, sometimes we had to get another prescription because he’d waste them by gagging and bringing them back up.

  When he’s finished taking the lot, he screws his nose up at the porridge.

  “You have to eat, if only a little bit,” I say, knowing I sound more like a mother than a sister.

  He picks up the spoon and while he eats, I go back to our conversation about Damon.

  “What exactly have you told Damon about us?”

  “Not much, mainly the basics.”

  “Maybe you can keep our business to ourselves from now on?”

  He puts the spoon down and tuts.

  “Alice, when I’m gone you won’t talk to anyone about us. I know you, you’re going to shut down even more and no one will know anything about our l
ives. I want the world to know what an amazing sister I have. If I don’t tell anyone, they’ll never know.”

  Here he goes again, taking me off guard.

  I swipe my eyes before anything can escape and sigh.

  “I don’t need anyone to know anything, it’s me and you, that’s all I need.”

  “Soon it will be just you and I hate the thought of you being alone, because I know how much it hurt when we were alone together. You have to come to terms with this, Alice, and let people in.”

  “Is this what the tour is about? Are you hoping I’ll make friends with the rock stars?”

  “Hell no, I want to be here. But, I hoped you’d see that life is meant to be lived and there are people everywhere for you to meet.”

  He sounds so grown up. We both had to grow up a lot faster than every other kid we knew and now it’s being thrown in my face.

  “That’s all well and good of you, but I will never come to terms with you being taken from me and I don’t want to hear any more talk about it. Eat your breakfast before it gets cold. I’m going to get dressed.”

  I’m across the room before he comes out with more insightful crap, but he calls my name and I automatically stop.

  “Just because you don’t want to hear it, doesn’t mean you don’t need to. Accepting me dying doesn’t mean you don’t love me.”

  Using my sleeve, I wipe my eyes and leave. Damon is lingering around by the couch and I hate the look of pity on his face.

  “The kid has a point.”

  “Please, don’t you start.”

  He holds his hands up in surrender and backs off.

  “The guys want to take Joel to Central Park, is he up for it?”

  “I’m sure he will be,” I mutter.

  He’s up for everything apart from resting.

  He raises his eyebrows and mutters, “I’ll ask him myself.”

  “You do that,” I say, heading for my room.

  Before we came on this tour I fought with Joel a lot over how far he pushes himself, now it seems he has backup.

  Chapter Five

  “Can you hear that, Alice?”

  I look around, but I can’t pin point what Damon is going on about. There are people everywhere and noise coming from every direction.

  “Hear what?” I have to ask.