Smile, Alice

  He stops walking and steps behind me. His hands guide my head in the direction where Baz is pushing Joel, and a little too fast for my liking.

  Joel is filming them as they go and he’s laughing his head off.

  “I haven’t hard you laugh like that, in fact, I’ve never seen you smile.”

  “I don’t have anything to smile about,” I retort.

  His hands fall to my shoulders and they feel like pads of protection from the world. He’s too close and I’m struggling to focus. His cologne isn’t strong but it’s nice, I also smell cigarette smoke which is weird because I’ve never seen him smoke.

  “One, you’re in a beautiful park. Two, your brother is having a blast. Three, he’s alive and so are you. Four, you’re in the presence of a rock God…”

  “Really? Where?” I snort, knowing it will dent his ego.

  “Shut up,” he huffs and continues, “The rock God is me just to clarify. Five, you get to go to another kick ass show tonight. I could go on if you want?”

  He steps around me and blocks my view of Joel and the rest of the band. This is the closest I’ve been to Damon and I have no choice but to be sucked into his orbit. He really is strikingly handsome.

  “What’s it going to take to make you smile?” he asks, softly.

  I go to speak, but he stops me.

  “Nothing to do with Joel, something I can do here, now, today. Something for you.”

  “I…um…”

  How can I answer him? From the day social services took us from our mum, my life has consisted of looking out for Joel. Looking after him. Making sure he was happy and smiling and laughing. When he was happy, he wasn’t sad and scared. It became a mission of mine to take his fear away and hold it myself. For the most part it worked, but somewhere along the way I forgot how to release both our fears.

  “That’s it, my mission is to hear you laugh and see you smile, a real smile, not one of those of smiles you put on to keep other people satisfied.”

  “You don’t need to do that.”

  And he really doesn’t, he should focus on Joel, that is the reason I’m here.

  “Oh, but I do,” he grins, and I don’t like the look of it. “Come on, we should catch the guys up.”

  He falls back beside me, leaving me to wonder what he’s going to do next. We catch the others up pretty quickly and Joel holds out his camera for me to take.

  “Can you take a picture of me and Damon please, Alice?”

  “Sure.”

  I take the camera and feel better for having something to do, other than thinking and second guessing everyone’s motives around me.

  I must admit, Central Park is beautiful, and a must see on a trip to New York. Damon crouches beside Joel and puts his arm around him. I take their photo and it turns into a shoot. The rest of the band want in and I end up taking a lot of pictures with them messing around making each other laugh. Joel’s smile stretches across his face, he’s in his element with these guys.

  I think they would carry it on for a while longer, but Damon walks towards me and takes the camera from me.

  “I’ll take one of you and Joel,” he tells me, nudging me towards my brother.

  I do as he says and instead of taking Damon’s place at Joel’s side, I lean over the back of the chair and wrap my arms around him, resting my chin on his shoulder.

  “Are you smiling, Alice?” he whispers.

  “Of course, I am.”

  Then I frown, because I don’t know if I was. Smiling is foreign to me these days, unless it’s a fake show of politeness, I can’t remember the last time I smiled for real. However, I give my best smile for the photo and Joel is happy with the result when Damon gives him the camera back and he swipes through the camera roll.

  “We’re starting to get a lot of attention, we should get going,” River says, eyeing fans mulling around us.

  “I need food, let’s grab lunch before we head back to the hotel,” Freddie hollers and my stomach growls in response.

  “What do you fancy, Joel?”

  “Pizza,” he grins.

  We end up at New York’s best pizzeria, according to the sign in the window and I order two slices of cheese and red pepper. I’m busy sorting through the pills Joel needs to take when I hear Freddie ask, “So, has your sister got a man back home?”

  The table goes quiet, all waiting to hear his answer and I sit frozen hoping Joel remembers our conversation this morning about keeping our business to ourselves.

  “Nope.”

  Freddie nods approvingly and then asks, “When was the last time she had a boyfriend?”

  “Can you not talk about me like I’m not here, please.”

  No one acts like they’ve heard me and all look to Joel. I fail to gain his attention, so I can silently tell him to keep his mouth shut.

  Adrian comes to mind, he’ll be the one Joel mentions and the one I wish he’d forget.

  “Last year, she broke up with him because he lost his job.”

  “Joel,” I admonish him, then I look at everyone else, “That wasn’t the reason.”

  He’s making me sound shallow, like I only want to be with men who have money, which isn’t the case. Not that I have to explain myself to these guys. I broke up with Adrian because he kept letting me down, more importantly, he kept letting Joel down during a time when he needed someone other than me to be there for him. Joel needed stability and Adrian wouldn’t give it to him, to us, so he had to go.

  “Leave her alone,” Damon orders.

  “It’s okay,” I say, I don’t need anyone defending me.

  “When was the last time he had a girlfriend?” I ask Baz, jerking my head in Freddie’s direction.

  We’ll see how he likes being spoken about when he’s right here at the table.

  Baz laughs and throws his slice of pizza down.

  “Too long ago.”

  “I don’t do relationships,” Freddie snorts, as if the concept disgusts him.

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t.”

  “That’s not a reason, why don’t you do relationships?” I keep pushing him.

  “Just leave it,” he growls.

  “Gladly, as long as you leave mine alone.”

  “Deal.”

  “Good.”

  The guys burst out laughing but Freddie narrows his eyes at me, defeated and he knows it. Don’t do to others, what you don’t like yourself.

  “I never thought I’d see the day Freddie didn’t get the last word,” River chuckles.

  “I’m starting to think I might make an exception for you,” Freddie smiles and leans back in his chair.

  “Don’t waste your time, Fred, she wants to be an accountant,” River jests.

  “What? Why? You’re too pretty to be something so…so…lame.”

  “Ha! That’s what I said.”

  I shake my head and laugh. These guys are relentless and have no cares in the world. The longer I’m around them, the more my muscles unwind, and I relax. It’s easy with them, there’s always a reason to laugh and they live day to day, enjoying what they have. Just like Joel does, but obviously on a different level.

  I catch Damon slyly nod to Joel and when I look between them, they quickly look away.

  River starts up a conversation with Joel and while he’s distracted, Damon shifts his chair closer to mine and leans in, a little too closely.

  His proximity is over powering.

  “You should smile more often, it transforms your beauty to heavenly.”

  My cheeks burn under his compliment and I don’t know where to look. I don’t want to look around the table in case they’re listening and heard what he said, and I can’t bring myself to look at Damon, in case he’s messing around with me. I settle for keeping my eyes on the food in front of me.

  “I knew I owned your blushes.” His voice drops to barely a whisper, but I hear him clear as bells, “You don’t blush when Freddie tries hitting on you, but you do with me.”
br />   I can’t help myself, turning my head, Damon’s bright green eyes hold me in place and they drop to my cheeks and he smirks.

  “You don’t hit on me,” I remind him, with the only thing I can think of to say.

  “Only out of respect for your brother.”

  He leans back in his chair, leaving a gulf of space between us and me wondering if I just heard him correctly.

  He doesn’t look at me, he doesn’t act like he’s just left me confused and honestly, a little angry. He’s meant to be giving Joel his sole focus.

  Losing my appetite for pizza, I start to count down the minutes until we can get back to the hotel and I can hide in my room.

  They are performing the same songs, in the same order with the same light and smoke sequences, but the atmosphere is a complete contrast to their show in LA. I’ve never seen anything like it. The guys lose themselves in their performances, and when I look down at Joel in his wheelchair, he’s lost in himself soaking in the show. It’s been a long day, and when Damon finishes their song, he uses his t-shirt to wipe the sweat from his face and neck.

  “Before we do the last song, I want a huge favour from you guys. Can you do Four Fallen Souls a favour,” he yells into the mic and the crowd goes wild.

  “We have a good friend with us on tour, I want you all to get your asses on Facebook and like his page, ‘My last days on tour with Four Fallen Souls.’ Show him some love.”

  Damon signals for us to look out at the crowd and all you can see is a sea of glowing screens. I smile at Joel and I’m truly happy for him. This is what he wanted, and I can see now why he wanted to come. This doesn’t happen to many people, yet, it’s happening to my brother. Finally, something good is happening to him.

  “I can’t wait to get back to the hotel and see what’s going on with my page.”

  “It’s crazy,” I yell over the music as they start playing their last song.

  This time, I cheer and clap when the show comes to an end and Joel makes sure to record the guys leaving the stage. Baz and Freddie holler into the camera, and River holds his hand up for me to high five and then fist bumps with Joel. Damon is the last one to leave the stage under the crowd’s protests of wanting more and leans in to kiss me on the cheek. I freeze. His lips were on my skin, and now I’m on fire.

  “We’re going straight to the hotel,” he says, taking hold of Joel’s chair and turning him around.

  He walks briskly, and I struggle to keep up with him. Earlier today, he admitted he’d hit on me if it weren’t for Joel and now he’s pecking me on the cheek.

  He ignores everyone calling his name and he leads us to the waiting car out the back of the stadium and Harry keeps the strays away who get too close.

  I shiver from the chill outside, the stifling, muggy air in the stadium is long gone. Damon helps Joel into the car and then waits for me to climb in before he follows. Harry, as usual, sits up front with the driver.

  Damon keeps his eye over Joel’s shoulder as he replays the show on his camera. Every day that passes, the more Damon’s presence fills my personal space. Resting my head against the window, I avoid making eye contact with him for the remainder of the drive and find the living area is covered in duvets, snacks and bottles of fizzy pop when we return to the hotel. It wasn’t like this before we left, and I look questioningly towards Damon.

  “I’m going for a shower then we’ll put a movie on, there’s loads to choose from,” he says, then grins at Joel, “There’s a gift for you on the table.”

  I follow Joel and when I turn back, Damon is in his room and the door is closed. How many gifts can you get for one person. He’s already given so much.

  “Oh my god.”

  “What is it?” I ask, spying a slick white box now in his hands.

  “It’s the latest iPhone.”

  They cost a fucking fortune! This must be wrong, maybe there’s another box on the table, but on further inspection, there is nothing but food and drinks.

  “Joel, you cannot accept that, it’s too much,” I hiss.

  “It’s rude to give back a gift, remember you told me that when Mrs Godley gave me a puzzle with pieces missing for Christmas last year,” he points out.

  He disappears into his room taking the phone with him and I’m pissed. Damon is giving him everything I can’t.

  I put my bag down on the couch and storm to his door. I rap my knuckles against it three times, loud enough for him to hear and quiet enough for Joel to miss.

  “Yeah?” he calls out.

  “It’s Alice, I need a word, now.”

  I don’t know why I said my name, I’m the only female in the suite.

  When the door opens he’s undressed down to his boxers and he proudly stands there. I force myself to keep my eyes on his, even if they are laughing at me, almost begging me to check him out.

  “Why did you spend so much on a phone for him? He doesn’t need it.”

  “Are you going to question everything I do for him?” he retorts.

  “Being on tour with you is more than he thought he’d ever get, he doesn’t need all the extras.”

  Before I see him moving, he’s pulling me into his room and closing us in. He’s pissed, but so am I and when it comes to Joel, I can hold my ground.

  His deep voice that sounds like honey and fucking gold, his body, neither will deter me from what I want to say to him. It’s hard though.

  “He’s not dead, Alice,” he spits out.

  “Shut your mouth,” I warn him, coldly.

  “You treat him like he’s about to take his last breath all the time. He’s alive and he’s got so much life left to offer and the longer I can distract him with materialistic shit like a phone, I will. I don’t need your permission. Enjoy his happiness.”

  “I am.”

  “You could’ve fooled me.”

  “You don’t know anything about me.”

  “I know more than you think. Now, I’m going for a shower. Unless you want to join me, you can close the door on your way out.”

  He brushes past me and storms into the bathroom, slamming the door after him. I hear the water start up and I get the hell out of his room.

  I walk across to Joel’s room and he’s sitting on his bed, the glow from the phone lighting up his face.

  “Please don’t make me give this back, I can do my videos on here and live stream,” he says, not looking up at me.

  I sit on the end of his bed, and tug at the sheets to get his attention.

  “It’s not my phone to return.”

  Hearing this, he looks up in a state of confusion.

  “I want to make a deal with you, put the phone down for a minute and make sure you say thank you when you next see Damon.”

  “By the way, I like that you call him by his name now. The Rockstar was getting a little boring.”

  I roll my eyes and ignore his comment. I carry on before I lose his focus to the phone.

  “If you promise me that you’ll tell me when you’re tired, when you’re feeling bad, or need more meds, I’ll lay off. I’ll go with the flow and do what you want, without questioning it.”

  “Are you being serious?”

  “Yes, but I need to trust you will tell me and not hide anything because you think I’ll take you home.”

  “I promise, do we have a deal?” he eagerly asks.

  “Have you taken your pills?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then yes, we have a deal.”

  We shake on it and he’s back on the phone before I can stand up and leave him be. I wonder back into the living area and kick my boots off. I grab one of the duvets and get comfortable on the end of the couch.

  It’s nice to just sit and not have to stand all time. My feet haven’t stopped throbbing and aching since we got here.

  I know my protectiveness is a little overboard sometimes, but it’s for a reason. I’d love to know how people think I should be like, how I should deal with every ball of shit that is thrown at us.
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  “Yo, Joel. Are you watching a movie with us?” Damon yells, breaking the peace.

  I don’t move but my eyes gravitate to follow his every movement and he’s now dressed in a pair of black shorts and I struggle to breathe steadily. His legs are solid muscle just like the rest of his body and covered in tattoos.

  He falls into the middle of the couch and slings his feet up onto the table. Joel pokes his head out his door and I can guess what he’s going to say.

  “I’ll pass, I’ll see you both in the morning, and thank you for the phone.”

  I knew it. As quick as he appeared, he’s gone just as quick.

  “Don’t stay up all night on that phone,” I call out and hear him chuckle.

  “Looks like it’s just us,” Damon grins.

  I stare at the tv and not at him. I nod and snuggle into the duvet. Damon grabs the remote and turns the tv on.

  “I’ve already picked a movie, so no arguments.”

  “As long as there are no subtitles, you’ll get no arguments from me.”

  He clicks on a comedy I’ve heard of, but not seen. I eye the tattoos on his legs and I can make out a guitar on his calf, it’s done in black and greys. There’s a portrait of a woman’s face but I don’t know who it is. Maybe an old girlfriend?

  A pang of jealousy hits me and shocks the shit out of me. I am not jealous of anyone where he’s concerned.

  The movie starts and for the next ninety-two minutes I forget everything. Occasionally a bowl of crisps, or chips as they call them here, are passed my way and I grab a handful. By the end of the film my body has finally relaxed, and I sit up and stretch.

  I catch Damon staring and it makes me feel self-conscious. His gaze has the ability to weigh you down and pin you in place.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “I heard you laugh,” he goes to say but it comes out in a whisper.

  “It was a funny film,” I point out the obvious.

  “Her laugh are magical notes sent from heaven,” he sings softly, “It’s a lyric from one of my songs, I didn’t have a clue what I was writing until I heard you tonight.”

  My throat closes in on itself and I, for once, have nothing to say. I do think he’s fucking crazy though.

  “Do it more often,” he grunts, and then clears his throat as he sits up.