Smile, Alice

  His movements break the moment and I throw the duvet off my legs. I fold it up and put it back on the couch.

  “I will, when there’s something to laugh about.”

  I expect a comeback from him, but he stands and stares at me. His chest rises and falls in a heavy and slow rhythm.

  His intensity takes over me and I don’t know what to do next. No one’s ever looked at me like he is now and it’s a powerful sensation to receive. It’s too much.

  “It’s late, I’m going to bed,” I blurt out, he doesn’t move and watches me act like a nervous school girl running away.

  “Sleep well, Alice,” I barely hear before I close my door.

  Chapter Six

  It’s a struggle to keep my eyes open this morning. I just need one more hour of sleep, but my hopes are dashed when Joel bursts through my door and his excitement bounces off the walls.

  “What the hell, Joel?” I groan.

  “I have over ten thousand followers, look.”

  He gives me no choice, he thrusts his new phone in my face and I have to lean back to see the screen clearly.

  “Oh my days, Joel, that’s crazy.”

  I sit up and take the phone from him. I scroll down his page and see all the videos he’s uploaded and briefly read over the comments and messages. There’s footage of the last couple of shows, videos of him talking to the screen and photos from our trip to the park yesterday. People aren’t only commenting, they are sharing their own journeys with their illnesses. He’s not alone, he has his own army of well-wishers and offers of support and in return, Joel broadcasts they’re not alone.

  “Everyone will know who I am before I die,” he grins.

  “This is amazing, it really is,” I say, handing him the phone back, “What’s happening today?” I ask.

  He shrugs his shoulders, more interested in what’s happening on his page. It’s just after seven and now I’m awake with no chance of going back to sleep, I feel like getting out of the hotel. I’ve had five hours of sleep and I can feel it’s going to be a long day without knowing what we’re going to do.

  “Hey, do you want to go for a walk, just the two of us? We don’t have to go far.”

  I’d like to see more of New York before we fly off somewhere else and I’d like to share it with Joel.

  It’s all well and good saying we’ve been to New York, but when people ask what it was like, all we’d be able to answer is, yeah, the hotel was really nice.

  “I’ll have to go in the chair, I’m hurting this morning,” he admits.

  I bite down on my tongue, I asked for honesty and he’s giving it to me.

  “That’s fine, we’ll leave when you’re dressed.”

  He takes a little longer to get dressed this morning and refuses my offer to help with his socks. It’s a while before we’re ready and I feel like we’re breaking out of prison as we step outside on our own. Looking left, then right, I head in the same direction many of the pedestrians are walking and take my time to take everything in.

  “It’s so different here, it’s not like home one bit.”

  “It sure isn’t,” I agree.

  “Do you remember dad’s New York t-shirt?” he asks.

  It was an old red faded tee that he’d wear on weekends when he didn’t have work.

  “Yeah, I’m impressed you remember.”

  “Did he wear it because he came here, or because he wanted to come here?”

  “He came here before he met her,” I tell him.

  I hate having to bring our mother up, she ruins everything. When I think back to this day, I don’t want to remember talking about her.

  “It makes being here extra special, to be where he’s been and not her.”

  This makes me smile, “I completely agree.”

  The further we walk, the more I see people with a certain takeaway coffee cup and exhale deeply when I see the café coming up.

  “Shall we stop for a drink?” I ask him, hoping he says yes.

  “I should’ve known you’d need coffee,” he chuckles.

  There is a small seating area outside and I push him around the railings and park him up by a small round table out of the way of others.

  “Will you be alright if I go in and order?”

  “No, the world will end, and I’ll be left wondering why my sister left me,” he sarcastically mutters.

  Rolling my eyes, I head inside, and the queue is scarily long, but in a matter of minutes I’m giving my order and add two chocolate chip muffins. I thought barristers in the UK worked fast, but the workers here are like manic robots. They don’t stop until they’re handing over your order and then they’re moving onto the next customer.

  I manage to make it back outside to our table without being knocked into and release a grateful sigh when I sit and take my first sip off coffee today.

  “Will you stop that?” I groan.

  I know he’s taking pictures of me, I can hear the clicking.

  “I will when you give me a nice picture. Smile, Alice.”

  I give him his smile and stick my tongue out.

  “Happy now?”

  “Extremely.”

  He fiddles with his new phone and I people watch. When I was younger, I’d watch everyone around us and wonder what their lives were like behind closed doors. I used to believe, Joel and I were the only ones who weren’t wanted, that everyone else went home to two parents, their mothers would be waiting for them with a smile on her face and dinner cooking in the kitchen. Their fathers would return from work and put his feet up in front of the television. I stopped when I realised I was projecting what I wanted in a family, what we used to have before my dad died.

  “Hey, man. You’re Joel Butler.”

  We both look at a young guy, leaning on the railings around the seating area and Joel looks a little taken aback.

  “I was at Four Fallen Souls show last night, I followed you on Facebook. I watched all your videos. You’re a strong kid, can I get a selfie with you?”

  “Sure?”

  I hold down a laugh, Joel isn’t sure but he’s going along with it. The guy jumps over the railing and crouches next to Joel, holding his phone up. The whole thing happens in seconds. They hold their hands up like rock stars and grin for the shot.

  “Thanks, man. I’ll tag you,” he says, chuffed with the photo, “I’ll leave you to your breakfast.”

  “It was good to meet you,” Joel tells him, finding his voice.

  They fist bump and the guy jumps over the railings and back onto the pavement.

  “I’ll pray for a miracle for you.”

  We watch him disappear into the crowd and burst out laughing.

  “Did that actually just happen?” he asks.

  I nod and say, “You’re famous now.”

  His phone pings, and shock returns to his face.

  “He’s already posted the photo and tagged my page.”

  He flips the phone around to show me. It’s a nice photo and it’s already getting likes. I quickly lose him to the technology again and I finish my coffee.

  “We should head back,” I murmur, putting my empty mug on the table.

  “Sure, I can’t wait to tell Damon about what just happened.”

  Hearing his name, I think about the way he looked at me last night. It still holds the power to capture my breath and hold it prisoner this morning.

  Harry is sat in reception waiting on us when we return. He jumps to his feet and Joel mutters under his breath, “I think we’re in trouble.”

  I suppress a smile and carry on pushing Joel towards the lifts.

  “Miss Butler, you have to notify me if you want to go out.”

  “We only went for a walk, we’re fine,” I argue.

  “You’re travelling with the band, you’re going to be recognised and Four Fallen Souls fans can be quite invasive. In future, I go everywhere you do under the order of Damon.”

  I don’t like this, but I keep my opinion to myself and keep m
y mouth closed. Harry goes to take over pushing the chair, but I make it clear I am more than capable. He hits the button for the penthouse and remains quiet. Joel places his hand on mine on the handle and I smile down at him.

  “Can we do this again tomorrow? You, me…and Harry?” he adds at the end.

  “Sure, we can.”

  Harry waits for me to wheel Joel out into the corridor before following and briskly walks around us to open the door to our suite for us.

  “Oh yeah, Damon said they’re being interviewed by Royal Rockers magazine this morning,” Joel whispers up to me.

  I can see for myself. The suite furniture has been rearranged to accommodate the magazine’s entourage. Our presence is barely acknowledged, which is good for me, and we keep quiet. Joel remains in his chair and I perch myself on the only available chair left in the room. I busy myself looking for my phone in my bag, all the while I can feel Damon’s stare burning across the room into me.

  Their interview isn’t of any interest to me, yet I forget about social media and listen. Damon looks away when I glance over, and Slate is the one who stares at me now, and he doesn’t look too impressed.

  “You’ve known each other since you were young, four boys from a small town, did you all believe you would grow to hit the top?”

  “Fuck yeah, what a stupid question,” Baz grunts.

  “What Baz means, is you have to believe it, or you won’t make it anywhere,” River adds.

  I supress a smile and look down at my phone. I’m quickly learning, Baz says whatever is on his mind, and River is the one who smooths everything over.

  “This is your fourth tour, you’ve been away from home for a while, are there any women who are waiting for you?”

  He directs the question to all of them and Freddie throws his head back and exhales loudly.

  “If I had a woman, I wouldn’t be leaving her at home for three months,” he snorts and pats his pockets down.

  He pulls out a pack of cigarettes and puts one to his mouth, he seems to think twice as he catches a glance of Joel and he puts it away.

  “What about you, River?” the reporter asks.

  “I’m keeping my mouth shut.”

  That’s all he says, and I hide my smirk from the room, the reporter isn’t happy with his answer, but he moves on and looks to Baz.

  “I have many women,” he chuckles, and leaves it at that.

  Damon is the last to answer and I listen intently.

  “I have someone I’m getting close to, she’s very private, so I’m going to respect that and not tell you anything,” he grins.

  This is news to me. He said he hasn’t hit on me out of respect to my brother, but I think he should have more respect for this woman.

  “So, we’re not looking at wedding bells for any of you just yet?”

  “Fuck no,” Baz grunts.

  They go back to talking about the tour and I scroll through Facebook. I haven’t logged on for a while and there is a lot for me to scroll through to pass the time.

  Joel is crashed out on the sofa when I walk back into the living area after my shower. I busy myself covering him with a blanket hanging on the back of the chair while the band talk quietly amongst themselves around the table.

  I’m not sure what to do with myself next, Joel’s the one who can strike up a conversation with anyone about anything, or find something constructive to do with his time. I spy his camera fallen on the carpet and pick it up.

  I sit down and turn it on. The last show comes up and I push fast-forward until Joel’s face fills the small screen.

  He starts talking about the show and before it goes on, the camera is snatched from my hands and Baz is holding it behind his back.

  “What do you think you’re doing?”

  “I’m worried if you watch our shows too many times, you might fall in love with us all, and since we’re heartbreakers, we wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

  My eyebrows shoot up, nearly hitting my hair line, and I don’t know whether to be pissed off or laugh. He waggles his eyebrows at me and I crack. A small laugh escapes me, and I stand up.

  “Pass me the camera, Mr Big Balls,” I ask, holding my hand out.

  “Big balls? Have you been snooping on me in the shower, Alice?”

  This is quickly turning on me and my face heats up in embarrassment

  “That’s not what I meant, give me the camera.”

  “What did you mean,” he pushes.

  “I meant, you had big balls for assuming I would fall in love with you all,” I clarify for him.

  “I do have big balls, and they need emptying, you wanna help me out?” he smirks, cockily.

  “I’m more likely to rip them off, than help you out if you don’t give me the camera back.”

  “Is that right, so, if I give you the camera back, you’ll help me?”

  He’s relentless.

  “I wouldn’t help you out if we were the last two on earth and it was our job to repopulate the world,” I tell him, even though the huge smile on my face causes the vow to fall flat.

  “You wound me, sweet Alice,” he says, still not handing the camera over, “Come to the club with me and I’ll give you the camera back.”

  Narrowing my eyes, I’m starting to feel like something is going on.

  “You’re not getting this, I’m not doing anything for the damn camera, Baz. Give it back.”

  “Sorry, I can’t do that.”

  With that said, he walks out of the suite with the camera and River is quick to follow him.

  What is going on?

  “Joel is going to want his camera when he wakes up,” I say, turning to face Damon and Freddie still sitting at the table.

  “He’ll have it back before then,” Damon assures me.

  “Why did he take it in the first place?”

  “He’s just winding you up,” Freddie says, rising to his feet. He looks to Damon and asks, “Are you sure you don’t want to join us tonight?”

  “Nah, man. I’m good staying in with Alice.”

  My heart beats a little harder listening to his deep but soft voice say my name.

  “You don’t have to stay in because of me. Joel’s asleep, he’ll probably sleep through once I take him through to his room,” I manage to say over the heavy beating of my heart.

  “And you can carry him through, can you?” he retorts.

  “I didn’t say I’d carry him, but you’d be surprised what you can do when no one else is around.”

  His gaze weighs me down until he turns to Freddie and frees me.

  “I’ll see you all tomorrow,” he says.

  It’s becoming an internal battle with Damon. I’m starting to like being around him, but at the same time, I’m petrified of him.

  Freddie looks between us and then over to Joel.

  “You’re changing my boy, Alice,” he says, and I don’t know if he’s being serious or messing with me. He and Damon fist bump and he offers me a wicked grin before leaving.

  I frown at his retreating back until the door closes behind him and leaves Damon and I alone with a sleeping Joel.

  “What’s he talking about?” I ask.

  I’m not changing anyone. They’re changing Joel’s life, there’s no return from us, or me.

  “Don’t worry about him, he’s just used to me going out with them all the time, that’s all.”

  I nod, understanding now. We’re disrupting their lifestyle.

  Turning my back on the rock star, I walk over to Joel and nudge his shoulder. I hate to wake him when he looks so peaceful, but if he stays here any longer, he’s going to wake with a stiff neck and he doesn’t need anymore discomfort in his life.

  “Come on, Joel. You need to go to bed,” I say, softly.

  He shrugs my hand off his shoulder and groans, keeping his eyes closed. I feel Damon beside me before I see him, and he nudges me out of the way.

  “Let me sleep.”

  “Come on, man. I’ll help you up. You
’ll be more comfortable in your bed.”

  It takes a while to get him on his feet and I watch Damon help him into his room and then into bed. He is in control, so I leave them to it and return to the living area. My nerves begin to build as I sit on the sofa. Damon appears a few minutes later and stands in the doorway, staring at me.

  “Do you want a beer?”

  “Sure.”

  I could do with some false bravado around him. He walks over to the wet bar and grabs two bottles of beer.

  “I thought for a moment, you might’ve fled to hide in your room, so you didn’t have to be alone with me.”

  “You don’t scare me,” I say, defiantly, taking my beer from him.

  “I think I do,” he smirks, falling beside me on the sofa.

  “Anyway, before I do scare you away, I wanted to check in with you and make sure you’re doing okay.”

  “I’m fine,” I say, too quickly.

  “Sure, you are,” he mutters, taking a swig from his beer.

  “Let’s play a game,” he then says.

  “What kind of game?” I ask, suspiciously.

  “You’ll have to use your imagination, or maybe you won’t, I don’t think you will,” he rambles on and nearly loses me, “What our wishes would be, but my wish will be if I made it in the past, and yours would be for the future…”

  “You know what my wish would be for the future,” I snort.

  “Joel’s wish is elaborate, make yours so too.”

  He was right, I don’t need my imagination for this. I’ve played this out for months.

  “I’d wish that someone would find a miracle cure for Joel and he’d recover, and he could go to college and get a real good job that would be for life so he didn’t have to worry about money. He’d fall in love with a sweet girl who adored his sweet ways in return and they’d have little Joel’s running around. On Sunday’s, they’d come over to mine and we’d have Sunday dinner together and catch up on whatever had happened in the week. We’d spend Christmases and birthdays together and be a real family. We’d just be happy and healthy.”

  “Are you in love and have your own children in this wish?” he asks.

  “I am, I have a husband who loves me so much he doesn’t see anyone but me and we have two children who know they are safe and can rely on us day and night. We have this house that is always warm and has something cooking in the oven and all the lights are on because the kids keep running from room to room as they play with their toys.”