Contradictions

  “Are you scared?” Trent asked, drawing circles on my palm.

  “Only that you’ll confuse me with your lollipop in your sleep and try to lick me to death.” The joke was lame, and he didn’t even crack a smile.

  “I’m sorry to drop it on you without warning, and I know you’re not there yet, but I needed you to know where I stood.”

  I bristled at his words. Why would he assume I wasn’t there yet? I could be in love with him now. I could even tell him if I wanted to. I felt like I was wading into ice-cold water. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath—in and out.

  “I love you too,” I said, opening my eyes. “There, I said it. Are you satisfied?” As soon as the words were out, I felt relieved because I knew they were true. I loved every damn thing about him. Even his superhero collection had grown on me. Openly declaring my feelings for him did odd things to my body. I had a sudden desire to be alone with him, preferably with no clothes on.

  “Do you want to get out of here?” he asked, leaving some money to cover the dinner we’d barely touched.

  I answered by standing up to walk out without looking back. We threw a good-bye at Peewee, and before we could get outside, Trent was pressing me against the wall of the long hallway. He roamed my body with his hands and buried his mouth in my neck. “Say it again,” he moaned.

  “I love you,” I answered, giving him what he wanted. My eyes met his, and I was a goner.

  The ride home was an exercise in frustration. We tormented each other with roaming hands that only fueled our heat, which was already near a boiling point. The entire car seemed to blaze with sexual tension.

  When we arrived at the apartment, Trent practically jerked the steering wheel of the car while trying to park. We all but jumped out and hurried toward the apartment. I fumbled through my purse for the spare key Trent had given me after Thanksgiving, not even considering that he had his keys in his hand. I wrestled with my own fingers, trying to slide the key into the lock. Trent was no help. He stood behind me, kissing the sensitive skin on the back of my neck. My head slumped forward and rested on the door as he ground his body against me. It was the sweetest kind of torture.

  Finally, despite Trent’s distractions, I managed to get the keys to cooperate, and we pushed the door open together. Trent slammed the door behind us and grabbed me in a bear hug, lifting me off the ground.

  We never made it to the bedroom. We sealed our new professed status on the living room couch in a tangled weave of arms and legs. We leaned against each other in a heap of satisfaction.

  “Why was me saying ‘I love you’ so significant?” I asked, trailing my hand over his bare chest.

  He waited a moment to answer. His voice was low, but filled with intensity. “I’m not sure. Let’s be honest. We’ve all known that I’ve been in love with you, well, forever, but that was superficial, right? I mean, I always thought you were pretty amazing, but over the last few months, I’ve gotten to see that even back then I never realized just how special you are. You’re the funniest, most sarcastic person I know, and I love everything about you. When you said you loved me too, it sort of lifted this heavy weight off my shoulders. The words consumed me. Well, obviously, since I practically mauled you when we walked in the door.” He turned his head to look at me. “Did my response scare you?”

  I chuckled at his question. “I’m not sure you could ever do anything to scare me. And what we just shared is probably the furthest thing from scary I’ve ever experienced. The only scary part is how badly I already want you again.” My lips trailed across his chest, moving toward his lips and rekindling our fire.

  22.

  My final exam grades came in three days before we were supposed to head to Woodfalls for Christmas break. The three As in my business classes were a nice surprise, but it was the A in statistics that completely floored me. That test was hard as hell. Considering all the erasing and reworking of problems, I was convinced I had failed miserably.

  I rushed home to share the good news with Trent, but found the apartment empty.

  Hey where u at?

  Had to help Professor N. Did u get your grades?

  Yep

  So?

  So what?

  ????!!!

  I smiled. I could picture his exasperation as he waited for me to tell him.

  All A’s, baby!!! I’ll be ending the term with 2 A’s and 2 B’s.

  I knew u could do it. Will celebrate later.

  By sexting?

  That would be a little hard since I’m not alone.

  Oh, it’ll be hard, all right.

  You’re a bad girl. I’ll call you later.

  Party pooper.

  Don’t pout.

  Fine.

  Love you.

  No, you don’t. If you loved me, you would sext with me.

  Be good.

  Fine. I love you too.

  I was grinning when I tossed the phone on the couch and headed to the kitchen to fix something to eat. Trent refused any sexting. He was convinced that nothing on cell phones was safe from hackers. I tried to make my case by saying I didn’t care if some pimply-faced kid hacked my phone, to which he responded that it would suck if he ended up knowing the pimply-faced kid. You gotta love dating a tech-hard.

  I made myself a sandwich and chips, which was the extent of my culinary talents. I didn’t want to overdo it since I didn’t know what our celebrating would entail. Staying at home so much was starting to get a little old, so I was looking forward to going out. I ate standing at the kitchen counter, debating whether I could talk Trent into going to the new restaurant that had opened on South Street. It was a restaurant/bar that I heard had a small dance floor. It was time to show Trent what real dancing looked like.

  Once I finished my lunch, I straightened up the kitchen before heading to the living room to veg. Now that finals were over, I could do nothing but relax and not feel guilty about it. I had one more shift at Javalotta before we left for Woodfalls; otherwise, I had absolutely nothing hanging over my head.

  Grabbing the remote, I flipped on Trent’s massive TV, which I’d grown quite attached to. If I ever started staying at my apartment more than a few hours at a time, I’d totally miss it. I’d been spending less and less time at my old place with Derek and Cameo. My things were slowly starting to trickle here from my apartment and never finding their way back. I now had a small section in his closet and a drawer in his dresser for my clothes. Trent had been trying to convince me to make it official and just move in with him, but I wasn’t quite ready to give up my apartment and the illusion of freedom it gave me.

  At the moment, though, as I pulled a blanket up over me and snuggled into the corner of the couch, I had no idea why I kept fighting him about it. This apartment felt more like home than my apartment ever had. Superheroes included.

  I dozed the afternoon away, waking when Trent came home with takeout and a couple movies. I had to admit I was disappointed that our celebration would be at home again. Sure, the celebratory sex was good, but I wanted to go out.

  • • •

  The next night I went to a small Christmas party my roommates were throwing at our apartment. Trent stayed at the lab going over his project one last time since he would be turning it in the next day. We both knew it was perfect, but in order to stay sane, he needed to go over his checklist one last time. He felt bad for missing the party, but I lied to him and told him it was no big deal. Truthfully, it was starting to bother me that he always came up with an excuse to avoid social situations.

  By the time I arrived at my apartment, I had gotten over my sour attitude. It had been ages since I’d hung out with my roommates, and I was excited to catch up on things.

  “Tress, you’re here,” Derek greeted me, giving me a bear hug.

  “I told you I’d be here, silly.” I unbuttoned my jacket and pulled it off.

  “Like that matters,” Cameo said under her breath, walking by.

  “What’s that supposed to me
an?” I turned to face her.

  Derek laughed uneasily. “She’s just joking,” he said, handing me a beer.

  “No, I don’t think she is. She’s had a problem with me this whole year, and I’m sick of her shit.” My voice was loud as I took out my frustration from the last few days on her.

  Cameo stomped toward me, not caring that I towered over her and could squish her like a bug. “That’s because you act like your shit doesn’t stink. Somebody dies and suddenly you turn into a fucking nun.”

  “Cameo, come on,” Derek pleaded, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but here.

  “So I’m a nun because I was put on academic probation? How does that make any sense?”

  “Don’t give me that bullshit. Even before your probation, you had thrown our friendship away.”

  “Are you high? I never threw our friendship away. That’s on you.” We were both yelling. Derek had given up trying to intervene and was now sitting on the couch, out of the line of fire.

  Cameo’s face was red from anger. “Nothing is on me. You stopped living the day that David kid died. You didn’t kill him, but you act like you did.”

  Her words hit me like a smack in the face. Talking about David was still a sore subject for me. I never talked about him and very rarely did I allow myself to think about him. Cameo had no idea what she was talking about. Yes, I wasn’t directly connected to his death, but I was involved. We all were. “You fucking whore, you have no idea what you’re talking about!” I said, lunging at her.

  Derek jumped up off the couch to intervene before I could get my hands on her.

  With Derek as a shield, Cameo wasn’t finished. “As if that wasn’t bad enough, you throw yourself at a guy completely wrong for you, obviously trying to remake yourself into someone better. We all see through your act. You’re still the same, Tressa. The sad thing is, you don’t even know who you are anymore. You can try all you want, but you’re no better than me.” Her shrill words were like knives to the heart, but in the end, it was Cameo who was insecure. She couldn’t take it that people can change, and obviously, she was incapable of doing so.

  “Fucking let go of me, Derek,” I said, jerking my arm away. I pushed past Cameo before I pulverized her like she deserved. I slammed my full beer into the sink, feeling somewhat vindicated when it exploded all over the kitchen. Grabbing my jacket off the couch, I stalked out of the apartment. Derek tried to call me back, but I didn’t stop. I jumped into my Jeep and tore out of the parking lot, shaking from rage and hurt to the core.

  I had no idea where to go as I pulled onto the road. I didn’t want to go to Trent’s empty apartment, and in my current state of mind, I was in no mood to see him. I needed to let loose, to prove to myself that I was still me. I turned into a parking lot and pulled out my cell phone. Hitting my Facebook icon, I went to the MSC chat group one of the seniors had set up so we could keep track of when and where the parties were being held. Finding one that seemed appropriate for my current state of mind, I stowed my phone in my purse and left the parking lot.

  It took ten minutes to drive to the other side of town. It was obvious I’d found the right apartment complex by the loud music and the crowd of students hanging around outside. I managed to squeeze my way inside.

  “Tressa? Damn, where you been?” a loud voice boomed seconds before strong arms encircled me. My feet left the ground as I was twirled around.

  “Ted, you lug, set me down.” I laughed, feeling a small part of myself return.

  Ted was a junior defensive tackle for the MSC football team, and he was built like a Mack truck. Word was he even stood a decent chance of being drafted into the NFL.

  “I’ve missed your crazy ass cheering while I’m on the field. Where you been hiding?”

  “I’ve been on academic and extracurricular probation,” I said, giving him a pained look.

  “No shit? That blows big ass.”

  “Tell me about it.” I grabbed a beer out of a cooler.

  “I heard you’ve been shacking up with some tool from the science lab. What’s up with that?” he asked, grabbing three beers for himself. He twisted off the cap of one of the bottles and downed the contents before I could even answer his question.

  I shrugged my shoulders, deciding not to comment. It didn’t take an Einstein to know who had told him about Trent and me. Cameo and Ted had been friends since freshman year. I downed my own beer and reached for another one, contemplating what I would do to Cameo if she were here.

  “Damn, girl, I guess you’re here to party,” he said with admiration, grabbing the cooler. “Why don’t we go hang out on the deck? It feels stuffy in here.” He shouldered the cooler like it weighed nothing. I polished off my second beer before we even hit the deck, along with a couple Jell-O shots I had snagged off the kitchen counter on our way out. A nice buzz filled my head, camouflaging the hateful words Cameo and I had shared earlier. The deck out back was crowded, but Ted and I managed to snag a bench near the fire pit. Ted placed the cooler on the ground in front of us so we could prop our feet on it.

  “I heard you kicked ass during the last game,” I said, accepting another beer. I was well on my way to getting completely toasted, which was exactly what I needed.

  “I slaughtered the other team. Their quarterback spent more time flat on his back than he did on his feet, which is how I like my women,” he said, slinging an arm across my shoulder.

  “You’re a pig,” I said, sliding his arm off my shoulder. I may be a lot of things, like Cameo pointed out, but I wasn’t a cheater.

  “Whoa, what’s up? I thought maybe we could hook up.”

  “Ted, you’ve been trying with me for years. Besides, I’m seeing someone.”

  He looked intrigued. “You serious about this tool? Cam made it sound like it was some kind of guilt fling.”

  “Cameo’s delusional about a few things.”

  “Man, don’t tell me you two are still fighting.”

  “Hey, are we playing Dr. Phil, or are we drinking?” I asked, holding up my beer for emphasis.

  “Girl, we be drinking. Screw Dr. Phil.” He clinked his bottle with mine.

  “Damn straight.”

  • • •

  Several hours later, my mind was fairly numb and I had enough liquor in my belly to float a battleship. Ted had abandoned me after the first hour. I circulated the crowd, catching up with people I hadn’t seen in months. Most of them claimed they’d thought I’d fallen off the face of the earth. They all said how much they missed my Instagram pictures. I think I gave vague answers on why I had given it all up, but honestly, I couldn’t recall everything I’d said. The entire evening was beginning to become fuzzy. I began to feel an odd sense of loneliness I’d never experienced before as I circulated the party. Everyone was nice enough, but after the first few minutes of the same general “Hey, what’s up, where you been?” bullshit was out of the way, I realized I had nothing more to say. Awkward silence followed me around like a dark cloud of gloom. I couldn’t understand why.

  The truth hit me like a kick in the teeth. Cameo had been right. Somewhere along the way, I had lost me. I hardly recognized the person I was pretending to be. I stumbled from the party in a haze of shock. The liquor I had so greedily consumed like I had a thirst that had to be quenched was now threatening mutiny as I left the noisy crowd behind.

  I knew I was in no condition to drive home. I made my way to my Jeep and pulled out my phone and called Trent.

  He answered just as I thought I was about to get his voice mail.

  “Hey,” he said, sounding distracted. Great, I was interrupting him. I should have called someone else, but then I remembered I had no one to call.

  “Hey,” I said, trying to keep my words from slurring. I didn’t feel that smashed.

  “You’re drunk,” he stated. I knew he was a smart guy.

  “Thank you, Captain Obvenous—Obviless. Shit, you know what I mean,” I retorted.

  I could hear him sigh over the phon
e. He was aggravated. I started giggling because the fact that he was the one who was aggravated was hilarious. I was the one who couldn’t remember who I was.

  “I’ll come get you. Are you still at your apartment?”

  “Nope.”

  “You’re not? Where are you?”

  “Um, I’s not sure. Lemme sheck.” I walked to the corner to check the cross streets.

  “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be there soon.”

  I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me, and headed back to my Jeep. I was beginning to feel cold and wanted to lie down. Crawling into the backseat of my Jeep, I curled up in a ball on the small, narrow bench seat that was built for someone with an elf’s stature. I pulled my jacket up over my icy cheeks, trying to warm them.

  • • •

  I woke the next morning feeling like a cement truck had parked on top of my head. Squinting in the sunlight streaming through the window, I cursed the liquor gods for not only tempting me the night before, but for punishing me this morning. My tongue tasted like a goat had taken a shit in my mouth.

  My head felt like it was in a vise as I turned to find that Trent’s side of the bed was empty. I racked my throbbing brain, trying to remember how I’d gotten here. I vaguely remembered calling Trent last night, but for the life of me, I couldn’t recall what the conversation had entailed. The memories of my fight with Cameo were as clear as day. They bounced around in my head like a frog on crack. Along with the desolate feelings I’d had from the party.

  The urge to pull the blanket over my head and slip into a sleep-induced coma was strong. If it wasn’t for my stubborn bladder that was insisting I visit the bathroom, I wouldn’t have moved. I gingerly climbed from the bed, but the room swayed slightly. I couldn’t believe I’d allowed myself to get so wasted. It was a total rookie move.

  After a shower and half a bottle of mouthwash, I felt like death wasn’t as imminent as I first thought when I woke up. I left the bedroom to find Trent sitting in the living room. I figured I probably had a few things to apologize for, besides the fact that he had to lug my stupid ass home.